Rules of Engagement s05e22 Episode Script

- Oh, hello there, Ronald.
- Hey, Timmy.
I bought a new vest for your party.
I'm sorry.
I'm going to need that explained.
It's like a shirt only without the sleeves.
No, the other part.
My party? Yeah.
You know, for you finally becoming a U.
S.
citizen.
Anyway, thanks, I don't get invited to a lot of parties.
Hey, Tim.
How was the weekend in the teepee? You and the squaws grill up some of that multicolored corn? Sir, perhaps you can enlighten me as to why weird Ronald is under the impression we're having a party.
Ha ha ha.
All right.
You're gonna love this.
- Will I? - Yeah.
You know Maya, that chick I've kind of been chasing around? - The party planner.
- Exactamundo! I'm bringing that back.
Dy-no-mite, sir.
Anyway, I can never get any quality time with her to work my magic 'cause she's so focused on her stupid job.
So I'm going to hire her to throw a party.
Celebrate me becoming a citizen, which, by the way, occurred over a decade ago.
Yeah, it was either that or you beating cancer.
But that made you too heroic.
Sir, why involve me at all? Couldn't you have said you're celebrating something like a birthday or six months std free? Six months? I wish.
I'm sorry, sir, but I refuse to trivialize my citizenship, which I happen to take quite seriously, on the altar of duping an unsuspecting woman.
Hey, Timmy.
I'm really looking forward to your citizenship party.
As am I.
Stars and stripes and whathaveyou.
So what's it like to be eating for two? Well, at first, I got to say, I kind of-- - oh, honey, I wasn't talking to you.
Slow down.
You're gonna choke.
If it's my time, it's my time.
It's not your time yet, okay? Friday morning, we get our first look at the baby.
That's right.
Brenda will put on that gown and get on the table and the doctor will get the first glimpse of the life growing within her.
Let me know how that goes.
You'll know 'cause you're going.
Yeah.
It's your baby, you big mount rushmore head.
It'd be all right if it was up in Audrey's regions but you're my softball buddy.
And you're gonna be in that chair all, you know Do you know how we're gonna look at the baby? I'm no doctor, but I assume it has something to do with the camera pointed at Brenda's, uhEntrance.
You say you're not a doctor, but I don't believe you.
The doctor waves an ultrasound wand over Brenda's belly then an image of the baby shows up on a screen.
- Oh, so no? - No, no, no.
Beauty.
Beast.
That hurts to be mocked by someone with the exact hair as the mom from the Brady bunch.
Do you mean tv icon Florence Henderson? America's mom? Hmm.
I'll take it.
Who are you? That's Brenda.
You've met her roughly a dozen times, sir.
All right, Brenda the softball lesbian.
That's what it says on my business cards.
Yes.
And we all know what kind of, uh, business you do.
So what's everyone doing Friday night? Well, knicks/lakers are on tv and then I thought I'd try to get on top of ol' Audrey here.
Jeff's watching a Knicks game and then nothing.
Why? What's going on? Well, I'm hosting a sweet throw down to celebrate ol' timbo here becoming a U.
S.
citizen.
- I thought he was a citizen.
- It's a long story.
Russell's trying to bag some woman? I stand corrected.
- Hello, everyone.
- How's it going, doc? To be honest, it's been a pretty rough morning.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I was so close to breaking 80 and then I chunked a tee shot straight into the water.
- Again.
So sorry.
- Trying to move past it.
All right, who's ready to have a look at the little guy? We're so excited.
This is, uh, conductive gel.
It may be a bit chilly.
Yeah, I could squeeze it slower, but then you don't get that noise.
Okay, there's the amniotic sac.
Everything looks good.
And that tiny spot, that's your baby.
Oh.
Isn't that the most adorable tiny spot you've ever seen? Yes.
And I'm not just saying that.
I can print you a photo off the screen if you'd like to have one.
Oh, yeah.
Of course we would.
Uh, no, we wouldn't.
That's how they get you.
How they get you? It's our baby, Jeff.
We didn't just come off space Mountain.
All right, fine, but just one and we don't need it on a mug or mouse pad.
Hey, look, Jeff.
Its little fist is clenched around a tiny wallet.
- Huh.
What? Is there a problem? No, no.
I'm seeing something behind the amniotic sac.
It could be another one.
What? You mean, like, twins? It's not in a good position to see, but it could be.
We'll know for sure at your next appointment.
Oh, my God.
I know.
- It might be twins.
- It might be.
Just so you know, attendance is mandatory.
So Jeff and, uh I want to say martina You got to be there.
Aw, how could I resist an invite from the star of the Chucky movies? Great.
Now listen.
Maya's a real career-oriented gal.
This is the first party she gets to throw on her own.
So if she does well, there's gonna be an after party.
- Me and Maya.
- Me pants.
Just be there, all right? And bring that chick that's having your baby.
Wow.
Speaking of babies, could be twins, huh? That was a real gut punch for me.
Well, at least it doesn't affect me.
- Mm.
- Anyway You kind of put on a big happy face for Audrey.
Well, I had to 'cause she was so happy.
That's a husband's job: To hide his feelings from his wife.
Push them deep down.
Really, Jeff? I mean, how long can you keep that up? Thanks.
I just need to make it to my goal age of 71.
Why 71? I saw a 72-year-old guy naked at the gym once.
Let's just say gravity wins.
Come on in.
Welcome to Timmy's America.
Hey, Ronald, glad you could make it.
Whoa, Asia-vu.
My brother Donald.
Mr.
dunbar, my boss.
Nice to meet you.
Oh, hey, how you doing? Uh Ooh, Ronald.
O-bigay chippita, dippita.
Hey, hey, hey, your brother's having some sort of seizure.
No.
Like many twins, we sometimes speak a secret language that only we understand.
Sodabe hopitty hippity doo? Yeah.
Yeah.
Great.
Valuable addition to the scene.
- Russell.
Russell.
- Oh, hey.
Hey, hey, hey, uh, is there smoking allowed in here? - No.
Is someone smoking? - Yes, you are.
Let the charm wash over you.
I just hope Timmy's having a good time.
- I'm sure he is.
- Where is he? Who's that? - Timmy! - Oh, I don't know him.
He's the guest of honor.
He needs to be mingling to get things going! No, no, no, I know, I know, and I'll find him and straighten him out.
He's new to America.
He doesn't know.
Psst! Adam.
Get in here! That's what I'm talkin' about.
Okay.
All right.
It's gotta be a quick one.
There's people waiting.
No! I clogged the toilet.
Oh, dude.
Way to kill the mood.
With tissues.
Whatever you say, honey.
Just do something! Well No! It's overflowing! And everyone's gonna think I did it.
Well, you did do it.
With your"Tissues.
" It was tissues.
Okay, calm down.
We'll just Find someone else to pin it on.
No, we can't do that.
Sure, we can.
Uh, I wouldn't go in there if I were you.
The bowl is clogged up something fierce.
Ugh! It wasn't her.
No, it was, uh It was those twins over there.
Eew! I know.
Creepy, huh? All right.
It doesn't seem right.
Do you want people thinking it was you? - No.
- Okay.
Now, what about me? I don't wanna be the guy whose fiancee choked the can.
Let's go.
Timmy! Can I borrow you for a little pow-wow? Pow-wow's funny 'cause he's Indian.
Be right back.
What are you doing? Chatting up Violet with whom, I dare say, I have a lovely connection.
Well, Maya, with him I dare say I have a lovely connection, is freaking out 'cause you're not mingling.
Sir, the only reason I'm here is because of Violet.
Well, if it wasn't for me, you'd be at home going all eight-arm God on your pants puppet! Now, get out there and mingle! Okay.
For ten minutes and not one second more.
- 20.
- 10.
- 15.
- 10.
- 10 and 1 second more.
- Fine.
- Hey! - Hey! So you guys saw the baby? - We sure did.
- Check it out.
- Wow! Amazing! What are we looking at here? That tiny spot right there, that's our baby.
Oh, I'm so happy for you guys.
Well, prepare to double your happiness.
Oh! Are you guys getting a dog too? No.
The doctor said it might be twins.
- So exciting! - I know.
Jeff, I could use a drink.
I could use a scotch if you're gonna go to the bar.
Wow.
That's, uh, still as charming as it was at Nana's funeral.
Wanna come with? Sure.
So it could be twins, huh? That's fantastic.
Yeah.
That's what we're goin' with.
My cousin has twins.
That great baby stroller-- - yes, yes.
Two of everything--I get it! Whoa.
What's going on? Sorry.
I'm just a little freaked out.
You know, I wasn't expecting twins.
But you seemed so excited when you came in.
Yeah.
I was pretending for Jeff.
It's a wife's job.
Fake it for your husband.
When the doctor said it could be twins, he was just so happy.
I mean, look at him.
My life's over, dude.
I mean, how are we gonna handle twins? Hey, speaking of See those freaky dudes over there? They totally wrecked the crapper.
Oh, great.
They're reloading.
So why are you so worried about having twins? I don't know.
It's hard to point at any one reason.
Our place is too small.
We'll have to move.
And let's face it, I'm not getting any younger.
Let's face it.
Jeff's not getting any younger.
And there's also the money.
Twins can be expensive.
No.
That doesn't really enter into it.
Biggest thing is the money.
I always wanted to come to a place where I'd be treated with dignity and respect.
Hey.
Little more slum dog on the accent.
See? Look.
He's workin' the room.
OhhThank you so much.
You know, at first I thought you just threw this party 'cause you were trying to get me in bed.
What? What the what But who would go to this much trouble? Who? I mean, seriously, who? Here, drink all of this.
Hey.
You two know where there's another bathroom? UmI think there's one in the lobby.
Good.
'Cause those twins ruined the one in here.
Oh.
I had not heard that.
Wow! It's really getting around.
I feel so bad for those twins.
Okay, look, Jen, if we didn't pin it on them, someone else would have.
And right there in front of me Was the statue of liberty.
Knowing my long, arduous journey to a new world was finally complete, I broke down and wept with 'Scuse me.
So twins, huh? Yeah! - How great.
- It's the best! The more the merrier, I say.
- Yeah, bring 'em on.
- And the horse they rode in on.
- What? - I don't know! I can't do this anymore! Look, I I've never lied to you before, but I'm really worried about having twins.
Oh, my God! I'm really worried too! And you lie to me all the time.
You're worried too? But you were so excited at the doctor's.
Honey, I was only acting excited 'cause you were so excited.
That's what I was doing! I mean, I was prepared for oneMaybe.
But the thought of two? I mean, God, will I be a good enough parent for two? Will I have enough time and energy and, God, love to give them? I mean, are those the things you're worried about too? Yes.
Those things.
Okay, well We have to be realistic here.
I mean, this is a possibility.
We're gonna have to get onboard with it.
Let's look at the, uh, all the upside.
Twins, uh Positives about twins.
That's not helping.
Oh, they're leaving.
I feel horrible.
I'm gonna go talk to them.
Just tell 'em to cut down on the fiber.
All right.
Fresh meat.
Yes.
A bloated pregnant lesbian.
Line up, fellas.
Why are you guys leaving? Someone blamed us for clogging the toilet.
And it's ridiculous.
It's not like we go to the bathroom together.
Except at home.
Super.
- Hey.
- Hey! Look who's here.
Yeah.
So how's the party? Good.
Yeah.
You don't have to use the crapper, do you? No.
So Since this whole twins thing has come up, I've been a little freaked out about the whole, you know, exit strategy.
- Oh, right.
- Me too.
Anyway, look, I've just been really nervous about the whole thing, and I didn't think I could wait till our next appointment, so I went back on my own to find out for sure.
And? You know what? I happen to like twins, and I think other people do too.
So come on, will you please stay? - Sure.
- Okay, why not? It's not twins! - We are not having twins! - Adam, good news! We're not having twins! Oh, congrats, man! Whoo! All right! Thank God! Mr.
dunbar, I, uh, can't seem to locate Violet.
Any idea where she might be? Oh, yeah.
I told her to scram.
You did what? Look, I'm on the verge of closing it with Maya.
She wants you to say a few words to the crowd.
I need you focused.
Don't be selfish! Can I have everyone's attention? Our newest citizen has a few words he would like to say.
Don't forget to thank me.
And if you can work it in naturally, mention that I'm rocking a monster hog.
If you can.
You're right, Maya.
I do have a few words to say.
First off, I'd like to thank everyone for being here to support me.
But I would especially like to thank my boss and friend, Mr.
Russell dunbar.
In fact, he's such a generous soul, I'd like him to have the first piece of cake.
What? Ooh, the whole top.
Ahh I get what's going on here.
In the region of the country where Timmy comes from Throwing cake at someone is the highest form of praise and honor.
Oh.
Yeah.
So let's hear it for me a little bit.
SoWhy don't you join me in honoring Timmy? Come on, step up.
Don't be shy.
Don't worry.
Oh! There we go! - Aw - Oh, my God! This is so much fun! You threw a great party.
Let's go celebrate.
Come on.
Wait, one second.
Hey! Good news.
I think it's gonna happen.
Welcome to America, buddy.