Seinfeld s05e22 Episode Script

It's hard to justify, at this point in history the existence of men and their handkerchiefs.
I mean, they open it up, blow their nose in it then put it in their pocket with their other valuables.
Wallet, keys, mucous.
Yup, got everything.
Is it because men can't give birth are they just proud of anything that comes out of us? We'll actually have a monogram sewn onto it.
What is the source of pride here? It sticks out of our breast pocket of our jacket.
I have a snot rag.
-To your promotion.
-Oh, thank you.
Thank you, Mr.
Lippman.
I can't tell you how much I appreciate this.
I mean, of course, I deserve it.
Well, you're really on your way now.
You should do something about that cold.
-You got a raise? -I don't fool around, baby.
You said Pendant was in financial trouble.
But they're being absorbed by Matsushimi that big Japanese conglomerate.
-When did that happen? -Papers are signed next week.
Are they publishing Kramer's coffee table book? Yeah.
They'll definitely do it now.
You're on quite a streak.
Job promotion.
-Plus you're back with Jake Jarmel.
-Yeah, it's getting serious.
We're talking about moving in together.
You've got it all.
Helen Gurley Brown would be very proud of you.
Speaking of having it all.
Where were you? I went to the beach.
The beach.
It's not working, Jerry.
-It's just not working.
-What is it that isn't working? Why did it all turn out like this for me? I had so much promise.
I was personable.
I was bright.
Maybe not academically speaking, but.
I was perceptive.
I always know when someone's uncomfortable at a party.
-Got a napkin? -It all became very clear to me sitting out there today that every decision I've ever made in my entire life has been wrong.
My life is the complete opposite of everything I want it to be.
Every instinct I have in every aspect of life be it something to wear, something to eat it's all been wrong.
Every one.
Tuna on toast, coleslaw -cup of coffee.
-Yeah.
No, no, wait a minute.
I always have tuna on toast.
Nothing's ever worked out for me with tuna on toast.
I want the complete opposite of tuna on toast.
Chicken salad on rye untoasted with a side of potato salad and a cup of tea.
Well, there's no telling what can happen from this.
Chicken salad is not the opposite of tuna.
Salmon's the opposite of tuna because salmon swim against the current, and the tuna swim with it.
Good for the tuna.
George, you know that woman just looked at you.
So what? What am I supposed to do? Go talk to her.
Elaine, bald men with no jobs and no money who live with their parents don't approach strange women.
Try the opposite.
Instead of tuna salad and being intimidated by women, chicken salad -and going right up to them.
-Yeah, I should do the opposite.
If every instinct you have is wrong then the opposite would have to be right.
Yes.
I will do the opposite.
I used to sit here and do nothing and regret it for the rest of the day.
So now I will do the opposite, and I will do something.
Excuse me.
I couldn't help but notice that -you were looking in my direction.
-Oh, yes, I was.
You just ordered the same exact lunch as me.
My name is George.
I'm unemployed, and I live with my parents.
I'm Victoria.
Hi.
Are you kidding? They can't cancel that show on me now.
It's too late for me to book anything else for that weekend.
All right, all right.
Okay, bye.
Hey.
Buddy, it's all happening.
-What's happening? -The coffee table book.
It's a go.
-I heard all about it.
-Know what this means? I'm starting the book tour.
First stop, Regis and Kathie Lee.
You're going on Regis and Kathie Lee? Oh, you better believe it.
-I'll loan you my puffy shirt.
-No, no.
That's not-- What are you gonna talk about? Coffee tables.
Hello.
What? Sure.
I'll do it.
I just had something canceled the same weekend.
Okay.
Great.
Bye.
Life is amazing.
I just lost a job, and five minutes later get another job, same weekend, same money.
You know who you are? Even Steven.
Are you growing a beard? Why shave every day? Just grows right back.
I guess.
I'm afraid I'm just not interested in how I present myself.
If those kind of superficialities are important to you this probably isn't gonna work.
Hey, watch it.
They cut you off.
Did you see that? Take it easy.
Take it easy.
It's not the end of the world.
Hey, baby, how about a little tongue action, huh? Stick your tongue down his throat.
What are we gonna do? Should we just move? That won't be necessary.
Shut your traps and stop kicking the seats! We're trying to watch the movie! If I have to tell you again, I'll show you what it's like.
You understand me? Now shut your mouths, or I'll shut them for you.
If you think I'm kidding, just try me.
Try me.
Because I would love it! Are you sure you don't wanna come up? It's only 9:30.
I don't think we should.
We really don't know each other very well.
Who are you, George Costanza? I'm the opposite of every guy you've ever met.
-Excuse me.
Is your name Elaine? -Yes.
Were you supposed to meet a Jake Jarmel here? -Yeah.
-I'm afraid he's been in an accident.
-An accident? What happened? -He got sideswiped by a cab but he's all right.
He's in St.
Vincent Hospital, room 90 7.
Okay, thank you.
Could I have a box of Jujyfruits? Here you go.
So, you know, the light was clearly green.
I started walking, he skidded, and went right into my hip.
That is so terrible.
It's so terrible, Jake.
I mean, how can people be so stupid? It's just sickening.
-Want one? -No, thanks.
So when do you think you're gonna get out of here? -Where did you get those? -At the movies.
Didn't you get the message before you went in? Yeah.
-Then when did you get those? -Right after that.
So you heard that I was in a car accident and then decided to stop off for some Jujyfruit? Well the counter was right there and-- I'd think, under the circumstances, you would've run out of the building.
Apparently, it didn't have any effect on you.
-No, no.
It did.
-lf you got into a car accident I can guarantee you I wouldn't stop for Jujyfruits.
-But, Jake-- -I would like to be alone now, please.
-But, Jake, I didn't-- -Good night.
-What do you say we call it a night? -Good idea.
I'm kind of tired.
-How'd you do? -Won 50.
-Lost 72.
-Won 3 7.
-Lost 1 5.
-Broke even.
-Can I bring out our next guest now? -Please.
Young guy, got a new book coming out, and it's about-- And this is the best part.
It's a coffee table book -about coffee tables.
-Is that clever? I think that is so clever.
I think so too.
-Did you meet him backstage? -I did.
He looks like a fun guy, doesn't he? -I love his hair.
-Oh, I do too.
This guy could be a little bonkos.
Anyway, if you will, would you please welcome Kramer.
-Hey.
-How are you? Look, Kramer's here.
-Hi.
-Hello.
I don't know.
It's the hair or something.
I don't know.
Yes.
Kramer.
So a coffee table book about coffee tables.
-Where'd you get this idea? -Well, I'll tell you, Regis.
Actually, this is a true story.
-I was skiing at the time.
-When I'm skiing, Kramer I'm trying not to kill myself.
You're writing books.
You kids, don't go out and try that.
You stay in school.
Have you always been interested in coffee tables? Really, I love coffee tables, and I thought I was the only one.
See, the beauty of my book is, if you don't have a coffee table it turns into a coffee table.
-Is that fabulous? -Look at this.
Is that fabulous? -Fabulous.
-I want one of those.
Did I tell you this guy was bonkos? This coffee table is full of pictures of celebrities' coffee tables.
-That's right.
-I'm not in there.
Where's mine? It's on file right here.
I'm telling you, this guy's bonkos.
He really is.
-But he's adorable.
-Yes he is.
He's a nice-Iooking guy.
All over my Kathie Lee Casuals.
We'll be right back in a moment.
-So it's over? -Yeah.
-It got pretty nasty.
-What did you go back for, Jujyfruit? It's not like I went across the street.
I bought them and got in a cab.
Why didn't you eat it in the cab? Because I got popcorn too.
I ate that first.
-What is all this? -I played cards last night.
-Yeah? How'd you do? -Broke even.
-You always break even.
-Like yesterday, I lost a job and then I got another one.
Then I missed a TV show, and later on they reran it.
Today I missed a train, went outside and caught a bus.
It never fails.
I always even out.
-Give me 20 bucks.
-What for? Just give me 20 bucks.
What the hell was that? Let's see if you get the 20 bucks back.
You could've thrown a pencil out the window and seen if that comes back.
Things were going so good for me.
I got the job promotion.
We were talking about moving in together.
Maybe next time someone's in a car accident you won't stop off for candy first.
Hey, I just found $20.
I tell you this, something is happening in my life.
I did this opposite thing last night.
Up was down, black was white, good was-- -Bad? -Day was-- -Night.
-Yes.
-So you did the opposite of everything.
-Yes.
And listen to this.
Her uncle works for the Yankees and is getting me a job interview.
A front office kind of thing.
Assistant to the traveling secretary.
A job with the New York Yankees! This has been the dream of my life ever since I was a child.
It's all happening because I'm completely ignoring every urge towards common sense and good judgment I've ever had.
This is no longer just some crazy notion.
Elaine, Jerry this is my religion.
Well, I guess your messiah would be the Antichrist.
That's funny.
Come on.
Let's go.
Elaine.
Look, a 20.
Oh, my God.
-Hey, boss.
-Kramer, come in.
How you doing there, big guy? -Hey.
Yeah.
Have a seat.
-Alrighty.
You got yourself a cold? Well, that's quite a honk.
-Thank you.
-Get yourself some vitamin C with rose hips and bioflavonoids.
The reason I asked you in here is I caught your appearance -on Regis and Kathie Lee.
-It was pretty good.
And anyway the thinking here is that it would be best if you didn't do any more of these shows.
-Because of the coffee thing? -Kramer, I'm sorry.
What about Sonya Live? You're not canceling Sonya Live.
-It's out-- -She's a doctor.
I got a thing for her.
Why don't you tell me about some of your previous work experience.
Alrighty.
My last job was in publishing.
I got fired for having sex in my office with the cleaning woman.
-Go on.
-All right.
Well, before that I was in real estate.
I quit because my boss wouldn't let me use his private bathroom.
That was a-- Do you talk to everybody like this? -Of course.
-My niece told me you were different.
I am different, yeah.
I gotta tell you, you are the complete opposite of every applicant we've seen.
Mr.
Steinbrenner, sir.
There's someone here I'd like you to meet.
This is Mr.
Costanza.
He's one of the applicants.
Nice to meet you.
Well, I wish I could say the same, but I must say, with all due respect I find it hard to see the logic behind some of the moves you have made with this fine organization.
In the past 20 years, you have caused myself and the city of New York a good deal of distress, as we have watched you take our beloved Yankees and reduce them to a laughingstock, all for the glorification of your massive ego.
Hire this man.
-Tina Robbins is here to see you.
-Who's that? My ex-roommate.
She moved out four years ago.
I've been subletting my apartment from her.
-See you.
-Yeah.
-Hey.
-Please.
-Hi, Tina.
-Hi, Elaine.
So I haven't seen you in a while.
Elaine, we have a problem.
-Well, what is it? -You're getting kicked out.
Kicked out? Why? -There's been a number of complaints.
-Yeah? Like what? Well, like last Thanksgiving you buzzed up a jewel thief.
I didn't know who he was.
That's why there's a buzzer.
-What else? -Apparently, the week after that you buzzed up some Jehovah's Witnesses and they couldn't get them out.
-What else you got? -Well, let's see.
I'll tell you what the big advantage of homosexuality is.
If you're going out with someone your size right there, you double your wardrobe.
-I suppose.
-Oh, come on.
That's a huge feature.
When they approach a new recruit I'm sure that's one of the big selling points.
-Jerry.
-Yes.
I've been doing a lot of thinking.
I don't think we should see each other anymore.
That's okay.
-What? -It's fine.
No problem.
-I'll meet somebody else.
-You will? Sure.
See, things always even out for me.
It's fine.
Anyway, it's been really nice dating you for a while -and good luck.
-Yeah, you too.
-The New York Yankees? -The New York Yankees.
Ruth, Gehrig, DiMaggio, Mantle Costanza? I'm the assistant to the traveling secretary.
I'm going on the road trips.
I'll be on the plane.
I'm working in Yankee Stadium.
This is a dream.
I'm busting.
-Jerry, I'm busting.
-I can't believe it.
Yeah.
-Yeah? -It's me.
-Come on up.
-I'm out of my parent's house.
I'm taking that apartment on 86th Street.
-That's a great place.
-I'm back in business, baby.
Don't get too excited about this stuff.
You know, things have a way of evening out.
Hey! -Hey, Elaine.
-Hi.
How are things going? You wanna know how things are going? I'll tell you how things are going.
I am getting kicked -out of my apartment.
-Why are they doing that? I don't know.
They have a list of grievances.
-The jewel thief? -Yeah, the jewel thief.
-What else? -I put Canadian quarters in the washing machine.
I gotta be out by the end of the month.
Well, you could move in with my parents.
Was that the opposite of what you were going to say or was that just your natural instinct? Instinct.
Stick with the opposite.
Elaine, don't get too down.
Everything will even out.
See, I have two friends.
You were up, he was down.
Now he's up, you're down.
See how it all evens out for me? Mr.
Lippman, the people from Matsushimi are here.
All right.
Tell them I'll be right there.
Oh, man.
Well, this is it, Elaine.
You know, without this merger, we'd be out on the street.
Boy, they sure saved us.
Mr.
Lippman, you forgot your handkerchief.
Mr.
Lippman.
You forgot your handkerchief.
It's on my desk.
Lippman-san.
Lippman-san.
Mr.
Lippman, it is with great pride that we undertake this partnership -with your company.
-I'm sorry.
I can't shake your hand right now.
Germs.
No, l-- -Is that the end of it? -It's the last one.
I can't believe you're moving out.
Kramer, is this true? Is it really happening? It's like a dream.
-Oh, it's true.
-All right, let's go.
Don't get in trouble with the Yankees.
You be nice.
I'm not gonna be nice.
That's how I got the job.
-Jerry, did you hear this? -He knows what he's doing.
I just want the both of you to know how much you mean to me and I love you both very, very much.
Opposite.
I must've had eight in my mouth.
I couldn't talk.
I couldn't talk.
Why'd you have to eat so many? Because they're Jujyfruit.
I like them.
I didn't know it would start a chain reaction that would lead to the end of Pendant Publishing.
Not to mention the end of Kramer's book.
You knew he had a cold.
How did you expect him to blow his nose? Do you know what's going on here? Can't you see what's happened? I've become George.
Don't say that.
It's true.
I'm George.
I'm George.
Greetings, people.
Greetings.
Greetings and salutations.
What a beautiful day for a ball game.
Let's play two.
I'll have the chicken salad on rye, my usual.
You know what I get, darling.
So I had a little conversation today with Mr.
Don Mattingly.
He's the first baseman.
We talked about his new batting stance.
I'm not crazy about it.
But I said, "Donnie, go with it till it stops working.
" Donnie Baseball.
He's a hell of a guy.
Wait, wait.
That's too much.
Mine was more than yours.
Let's call it even.
Coffee is a drink that encourages a lot of accessories around it.
Coffee cake, coffee table, coffee table book, klatches of people.
Say what you want about alcohol, but not only aren't there a lot of optional accessories, alcohol actually helps you get rid of things.
Family, home, job, driver's license.
The only thing you have to remember to get is more alcohol.
And maybe a rag for your squeegee.