The Middle s05e22 Episode Script

Mike tends to define his life in seasons-- football season, baseball season, and for a brief window in May, spelling season.
O-U-S-- parsimonious.
Yes! Hmm.
Looking good, guys.
I can't believe you're really hitting the bee circuit again after what happened last time and the time before.
Hey, those were building years.
Brick is older and stronger now.
Plus, since I made it to regionals, they let me out of gym to study.
We're still working on his killer instinct.
I just got off the phone with Axl.
He's got one final left, and then he's coming home.
He's done, Mike at least until September.
Possibly forever.
Well, I can't go up there and get him.
We're in training here.
Oh.
I'm in training, too.
Ehlert Motors is having a "Hands On A Hard Body" contest this weekend.
The last person with their hand on the car wins it.
Can you possibly think of a more perfect contest for me? I mean, who has more practice standing than me? I mean, I stand off to the side at dances, in gym waiting to be picked.
I stand through half my classes because there aren't enough desks due to budget cuts.
We're supposed to trade off, but nobody does.
I'm gonna win myself a car! All right, I got to get to work.
We'll pick this up tonight, Brick.
Yikes, I should get to school.
Ohh! Shoot.
Rookie mistake.
Glad I got it out of the way now.
I mean, a mistake could happen like that! Oh, shoot.
I did it again.
Okay, see you later.
Bye, dad.
Oh, seriously?! Oh, morning, Mike.
Rusty? What are you doing here? Oh.
I'm using your hose water to brush my teeth.
Yeah, I got that.
Why? Oh, on account I had a cavity on my, uh, last check-up.
So I figured I shouldn't let up on the oral hygiene just 'cause I'm living in my car.
Oh, man, what are you doing that for? You should come in.
Oh, no, I don't want to be a bother.
If you're worried about the neighbors, I don't wash any of the sensitive areas till I know they've all gone to work.
Done! Last final over! Ohh! Br-r-r! My brain hurts so much.
Kenny, wake me in 20 so I can get my party on.
Whoo! Whoa.
How long did I sleep? All right, I'm here for your room check.
Yeah, whatever, Julia.
It's Julian.
Shelves-- check.
Light bulb-- check.
Where's your desk? I don't know.
You're the RA.
Aren't you supposed to know where stuff is? I have many responsibilities, none of which include keeping up with your belongings that have been solely loaned to you for the duration of the rental period.
Either find it, or you're not leaving.
Man, you were so cool at the beginning of year! "Welcome.
Let me show you to your room.
" Whatever happened to that guy?! Rusty, oh, my gosh! Well, don't you look good? Oh, well, thanks.
Feel good.
Trying to take care of myself.
You look older.
Well, three kids.
So, it's been a long time.
Oh, we saw Marlene at Thanksgiving.
She told us about the divorce.
Oh, yeah, well, that's a long story.
She threw me out.
It was longer in my head, but Rusty tells me he's been sleeping in his car.
What? Oh, come on, that's crazy.
Why aren't you staying with your dad? Doesn't he have like 50 couches? Oh, no, I-I don't want to be some divorced loser living with his dad.
I thought I'd just pitch a tent in your backyard and wash off in your pool.
Rusty, we can't let you do that.
You're staying with us.
Oh, I don't want to be a bother.
He was.
Rusty, what's all this? Oh, this? It's my new business.
We make NFL shower curtains.
Really? You're making NFL shower curtains? You actually got permission from the NFL? Oh, yes, yes.
No.
No.
Not officially.
It's okay, though.
I figured a way around it.
Check this out.
Huh? "Cincinnati Begals"? "New York Gants.
" Yeah.
Nobody will notice.
It's a proven scientific fact.
Your brain will just fill in the missing letters.
Maybe your brain.
Hey, you're the one who made me let him stay.
You shot me that look, and you made me feel guilty.
The look that said, "Help, we can't let your brother come and stay with us"? God, you don't know my looks at all.
We're in agreement, okay? It's not a great situation, and I look forward to dissecting it to death when I get back, but I can't get into it now.
I got to get sleep.
Brick and I got to be on the road to Chicago by 7:00.
Seriously? That's tomorrow? Yeah.
Tomorrow's the 12th.
Well, what are you gonna do about your brother? You're gonna take him, right? Why would I take him? Why would you leave him? Why wouldn't I? Because you want to stay married.
Right back at you.
Howdy, folks, and thanks for coming down to Ehlert Motors' "Hands On A Hard Body" contest.
Remember, while the contest is going on, we're still making deals.
No job? No problem.
No credit? No problem.
Miss a payment? Well, then we've got one hell of a problem.
All right, rules-- no taking hands off the car or switching hands.
Bathroom breaks every four hours.
And the last person standing wins.
Okay, good luck, and may the best man or woman win.
Hopefully it's a man.
What? Brad! What are you doing here? You know how much I want this.
There is no way I can beat you and your amazing tap legs.
Sue, if I win the car-- pause to deliver dramatic line-- I'm giving it to you! - What?! Are you serious? - I already have my Miata.
You deserve to know the freedom a great set of wheels can bring.
Sue, I will stand here until they drag my skeleton body away if that's what it takes to win my best friend in the whole world this car.
Ohh! Bee! Bee! Bee! There's one down.
So, uh, Brick, I got a little spelling tip for you.
- Really? - Yeah.
What you want to do is memorize the consonants in your word first-- your B's and your Q's and such.
Then, once you've got them good and memorized, you just insert your vowels.
That sounds like it would be kind of confusing.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
It is.
Cop! You in some kind of trouble, Rusty? Oh, no.
Just habit.
Hey, look, I found a nickel.
Mm-hmm.
Hey, Mike, do you remember the time when we got nailed for throwing rocks at the cop car? He doesn't need to hear about that.
You threw rocks at a cop car? And yet I get in trouble for inviting those well-dressed people in to talk about religion.
Look, it was Uncle Rusty's idea, not mine.
He wanted to have a snowball fight, but since it was July, he decided to use rocks.
Yeah.
And then I accidentally hit the cop car.
Boy, I've never seen this guy run so fast.
And then the cops showed up at our door.
Yeah, and-- and you were so tall, you pretended to be my dad.
You know, he's always been this tall.
That's hilarious.
Uh, did grandpa Big Mike ever find out? Oh, you kidding? We wouldn't be here.
Hmm.
Parents were a lot meaner back then.
How the hell do you lose a desk? Ohh! Mom on the floor! Did anybody see you? Tell me you at least put an old sheet over your head in the elevator.
Hey, this is no picnic for me, either.
I finally had the house to myself.
I was gonna take a bath and maybe light a candle.
La-la-la-la-la-la la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la! Oh.
Excuse me.
Hello? You're the RA, right? I'm Axl's mom.
Do you have to tell everybody? Listen, we're sorry about the desk.
I'm sure it's not lost.
It's just been misplaced.
He has the same problem at home.
So if you could just check us out, we would really appreciate it.
Oh, sure, he can check out whenever he wants.
Thank you.
See? Simple.
That's how you get it done.
Of course, I will be keeping your $200 deposit.
And then your Uncle Rusty climbs out the window during a test and climbs into the window of my class so he can have me take the test for him.
And I got an A, too.
You mean I got an A.
But that is nothing compared to - the Kimberlys! - The Kimberlys! Now, don't tell your mom I'm telling you this story.
Classic Uncle Rusty.
He tells me there's these sisters.
Well, it turns out one of them had been to prison.
Whoo-hoo-hoo! It's a little sunnier than I thought it would be.
Whoo.
Oh, I see you went with a brand-name sunscreen.
My mom bought our sunscreen at a garage sale.
But, you know, I can handle a little sunburn.
I am so focused, I can hardly even feel it.
Ohh! Bee! Oh, Brad's bee! You guys got to stop leaving half-open cans of pop! It is bringing bees! Oh, it is like The Hunger Games out here.
I don't know how much more of this I can handle.
Ohh! Damn! See? Here it is.
We'll just take that deposit and be out of your way.
Uh-huh.
And you wouldn't just drag in a desk from the room across the hall, would you? - No.
- Really? 'Cause there might be a number under each desk that matches the room it belongs to, so I could easily find out.
I think you're bluffing.
I don't think there really is a number.
You don't? Well, maybe I'll go under that desk right now and see.
Nope.
No number.
No need for you to check.
I'm a parent.
Room 306.
Take it back.
Narc.
Sue, how's it Whoa! Oh, does it look bad? I tried to pull the stinger out myself, but it's a little hard with just one hand.
Here.
Let me.
No! You can't touch me.
I will get disqualified.
But it is fine.
I am sure my body is almost done absorbing all the poison, and then I will feel good as new.
Sue, this is crazy.
You can't do this.
No! It's all good! The-- the burning in my face is distracting me from the shooting pain down my arm.
I'm gonna win this thing, Darrin.
Yeah, but what if you don't? I don't know the word "Don't.
" Oh.
It means "Do not.
" They just put that little thingy in place of the "O.
" It's not short for "Donut.
" I learned that the hard way.
Are you saying you don't believe in me? No.
Look, you're red and puffy and all-- Oh, well, I am sorry that I don't look pretty while I am trying to win a car.
You know what? Forget it.
I am done talking to you.
I have to stay here, but in my mind, I am storming away! Well, in my mind, I'm chasing you.
Well, in my mind, I'm too fast, and you can't catch me.
Well, in my mind, I caught up, and I'm holding you in my arms, kissing you.
Well, in my mind, I am enjoying your warm embrace, but I am fighting you off because I don't want to be held right now.
Fine! In my mind, I'm giving up and taking off! You do realize you can actually do that.
I do now.
Prospicience-- P-R-O-S-P-I-C-I-E-N-C-E-- prospicience.
That is correct.
Brick Heck advances to the final round.
How about that? The kid's good.
- Didn't I tell you? - Yeah.
So, how's this thing work? - Uh, there's just one winner at the end, right? - Yeah.
I think it's gonna come down to Brick and that Japanese kid.
She's a machine.
You know, she actually could be.
The Japanese have been making robots that look like people for years.
narcolepsy.
Okay.
But I'm telling you Brick's good, too.
- We got a real shot this year.
- Oh, yeah.
You know, this, uh, whole spelling-bee thing-- - it's way more exciting than I thought.
- Hmm.
I mean, once you've seen a naked showgirl boxing a kangaroo, you think there's no way you're gonna be more entertained than that.
But this is a close second.
Narcolepsy.
Hey, Rusty, I'm glad you tagged along.
Oh, me too.
Me too, Mike.
Good.
- Hey, how much time we got? - Sarcophagus.
I'm gonna grab us a couple beers.
Uh, they don't sell beers at spelling bees, Russ.
Well, they could learn a thing or two from the kangaroo box-o-rama, wouldn't you say? I-A-S-I-S.
Psoriasis.
When you're economically challenged, your time is worth nothing.
So Axl and I split up and spent hours combing the dorm for his crappy desk.
Sorry.
Sorry.
Make good choices.
fresh, but where I come from Axl, are you kidding me?! This is you looking for your desk?! Okay, I was looking, but Scott's throwing the last rager of the year, and I slept through all the other parties.
Well, did you even ask them about your desk? Yeah, sorry to bring the party down, everybody, but we're looking for Axl's desk.
It looks like one of these three.
Wait.
Why are there three in here? where I come from, we don't play around - Oh, yeah, dude.
I borrowed your desk.
- Oh.
Sorry to break up the party, but I need to take this desk.
Oh, no! Whoa! Whoa, whoa! So, I'll make you a deal, mom.
Hit the next shot-- desk is yours.
Otherwise, it's ours for the night.
Yeah? and I get into my zone every time you spit, better watch your tone What do you think I did in college? go, go go, go go, go, go, go everybody, go, go, go, go, go Yeah! everybody, everybody, everybody get up get up, get up, get up get up, get up and get down everybody, get up get up, get up get up, get up, get up E-S-Q-A-L-O-S-E-- esquamulose.
I'm sorry.
That is incorrect.
And we're down to our final two.
I told you.
This is Brick's year.
Look at him up there.
He's got the eye of the tiger.
Your word is succedaneum.
We got this.
He knows this one.
He does? He does? Succedaneum S-U-C-C-E-D A-N-I-U-M-- succedaneum.
Ooh, that is incorrect.
I'm so sorry.
Margaret Arakawa, you're our new champion and will be moving on to nationals in Washington DC.
Hey.
What the hell is going on? How do you do this and my kid misses a word I know he knows? Oh, I ran into Brick in the bathroom, told him maybe it wasn't his night.
Are you kidding? You had my kid throw a spelling bee? Yeah.
We're in cahoots.
Oh, and I went over a few basics of betting with him.
I'm kind of surprised 'cause you're such a great dad, but he didn't seem to know anything about gambling.
I-I can't believe you would do something like this.
What-- y-you're betting on a kids' spelling bee? I thought you were asking all those questions about how it worked because you cared.
Oh, I care.
I had 600 reasons to care.
Slow down there, slim.
You'll get your cut.
I don't want my cut.
I wanted Brick to win.
Do you not get that? You know what? Forget it.
It's like talking to a wall.
All right, we're down to the final two.
Let's get this thing moving.
Up on one foot, girls.
Surprise! I'm a yoga instructor.
Good morning.
Hey.
How'd the desk get here? Two big guys carried it down while you rode on top, screaming, "I'm queen of the world!" I'll understand if you have to transfer out.
Actually and, uh, don't get all in my face about it, but you're kind of less embarrassing than I thought you would be.
Very un-mom-like.
Really? See? I am a person besides a mom, Axl.
- And that just goes to show you-- - Oh, okay.
You ruined it trying to make a lesson out of it or-- or something-- whatever.
Let's just get out of here before anyone sees you.
Hey, Julia.
Notice anything different? Like the desk, maybe? Go ahead.
Check it.
Real mature.
Oh, God.
Dad, we didn't leave Uncle Rusty, did we? 'Cause as someone who's been left behind on more than one occasion, it's not a good feeling.
No, I told him we were leaving.
He's meeting some guy in Chicago about the shower curtains.
I don't know.
It doesn't matter.
I'm fine he's not here.
You know, you didn't have to do what he asked.
But he needed the money.
And don't you always say you're supposed to do for family? No, your mom says that.
Either way.
I was happy to do it.
I didn't really care that much about the spelling bee.
I don't think I'm a super competitive person.
Besides, I thought it was classic Uncle Rusty.
What does that mean? You know, like, when he made you take that test for him or when he sold all your clothes.
This could be one of those really funny Uncle Rusty stories that we tell years from now and laugh.
Hmm.
Maybe.
In 10 years.
Or two.
Okay.
I get to tell your mom when we get home.
How's she doing? Whoa.
What happened to you? College.
How'd it go with Brick? Second place.
Oh, sorry.
I'm sure you tried your best.
He didn't.
It's a long story.
I'll tell you later.
Come on, Sue! You can do it! You got it, baby! Whoo-hoo! Did I mention I once did a yoga retreat where I spent two days in the warrior pose? Might as well give up now, sweetheart.
Really? You think I should give up? Let me tell you something about me.
I never, ever give up.
I have not made a hundred things, but I still try out.
When they tell me that I didn't make the team, I show up and ask to be manager.
When there are no parts in the play for me, I ask to make the programs.
The more I fail, the stronger I get! My whole life has led me to this moment! So I will stand here on my one burning leg for as long as it takes, so, ha! Ha ha ha! Aah! I think I just swallowed a fly.
But I am still not giving up! Oh, you can't beat crazy.
We have a winner! Finally! Whoo! This is the worst idea I ever had.
Oh! Yeah! Sue, listen, I'm so sorry I upset you-- No, Darrin.
It doesn't matter! I won! I won a new car! A car?! I'm not giving away a car! That's worth over $15,000! How dumb do you think I am? What?! You got to read the small print there, missy.
"Win a new car trip.
" - Well, that figures.
It is Ehlert, after all.
- Are you kidding me? "Two days and one night Disney vacation, courtesy of Pioneer Galaxy Travel.
" Whoooooooo! Whooooo! I won a trip to Disney World! That is even better than a car! Whooooo! So it ended up being a great weekend for the Hecks.
Sue won a trip to Disney World.
I earned my son's respect.
And whether I was right or wrong, Rusty ended up making enough money off the spelling-bee to move out of our house and and into the Orson homes.
Hey, I, uh, appreciate you for putting me out, so, I got ya a gift.
It's your favorite team.
Thanks.
- Stay out of trouble.
- Ha.
Oh, sure.
You know me.
Yeah.
I know you.
And who is to say?<7i> Maybe Rusty was getting his life together.
Maybe the shower curtain thing could turn up to really be something.