Home Improvement s05e23 Episode Script

- Does everybody know what time it is? - Tool Time! That's right.
Binford Tools is proud to present Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor! Thank you.
OK, thank you, Heidi, and thank you, everyone.
Welcome to Tool Time I am Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor.
And you all know my assistant, Al "He's a Thorn in My - ow! - Siding" Borland.
What Tim is trying to say is it's Siding Week on Tool Time And today we're gonna be working with aluminum.
Or as I like to call it: "Al-luminum.
" You're the only one that thinks it's funny putting the word "Al" in every sentence.
"Al" be the judge of that.
A few more jokes like that, you'll be working in "Al-toona.
" Sorry.
All right, let's get to our "inst-Al-lation.
" Would you stop it, please? We showed you how to install your foam board over your existing shingles.
- Now it's time to turn to aluminum.
- And our siding comes in 12-foot lengths.
You're often gonna need to cut this around the lighting fixtures and faucets.
Which means you'll have to do some measuring.
Al uses the old carpenter's adage, "Measure twice, cut once.
" Tim's adage is, "Never measure, cut yourself.
" - Overlapping these panels is an art form.
- Right.
And you want to nail these panels right into the stud.
You can help yourself by pre-measuring where the studs are on your old siding.
- Tim already knows - Where the stud is.
Of course I do.
But Al's point is well-taken, 'cause you might inadvertently nail right in through a gas line.
- Or water line.
- Or worse yet, electrical line.
Aah! Well aluminum is a great conductor of electricity.
Al? You all right, buddy? Al? Well, at least we know he's "Al-live.
" Is that Dad? Ow! That's Dad.
Yeah.
He's building the sets for Randy's school play.
What does Dad know about Shakespeare? About as much as Shakespeare knew about tractor pulls.
My leg! Here's the mock-up of the set.
The first Romeo and Juliet production where the castle's made entirely of aluminum siding.
- Aluminum siding? - Yeah.
I had a truckload of it.
We had tons left after Tool Time So you got aluminum siding, storm windows.
Since when did Romeo and Juliet move to the suburbs? They were tired of all the sword-fighting downtown.
How's your paper coming? - Well - Uh.
Say no more.
I had that look on my face all through college.
All eight years.
Hey, Romeo.
There's your set.
How did rehearsal go? Terrible.
You know how my drama teacher was eight months pregnant? She went into labor and had to be rushed to the hospital.
- How is she? - She's fine.
But the play's off.
I've planned for these sets.
She can't do this to me.
Well, what do you want her to do, Tim? Put the baby back in? Just till opening night.
Isn't there some other teacher that can take over? It's the end of the year.
They're all tied up with other projects.
Randy How would you like it if I directed your play? I think my mom directing me in a love scene could seriously screw me up for life.
Honey, honey, honey, he's probably right.
I'll direct.
- Shakespeare's pretty deep stuff, Tim.
- Oh, give me a break.
"To be or not to be" isn't any deeper than "Does everybody know what time it is?" - What about Wilson directing the play? - I don't know.
Wilson can be a bit weird.
You won't find anybody more capable.
Wilson'd be great.
Or you could take a shot and go with me.
Wilson! Oh! Oh, oh! Ah - You called, young Randy? - What are you doing? Well, I'm practicing walking on hot coals.
I'm going to Greece next week for a fire-walking festival.
Sounds like a hot time.
Well, it's a lot more fun than it sounds.
Ow, ow, ow! It's too bad you're busy.
I was gonna ask you if you wanted to direct my school play.
- Romeo and Juliet? - Yeah.
The director had to drop out.
Oh, Randy, I'm so sorry.
Normally I would just jump at that chance.
Oh! Oh, oh! See, it's long been a dream of mine to direct Shakespeare.
Well, Wilson, this could make your dream come true.
Not to mention my dream of kissing Sharon Liebowitz.
Even if I agree to do it, how do you know the school will approve? They'll love the idea.
- You've got the qualities no one else has.
- What? You're available and you're not pregnant.
You're incredible.
Just when we thought the play was dead, you find a new director.
I knew how much you wanted to play Juliet, and I couldn't let you down.
- I might have to hug you.
- I might have to let you.
Everybody, I'd like you to meet your new director, Mr.
Wilson.
Hidy-hoeth, young thespians.
As you can see, I've brought a lot of reference books.
We're very lucky to have Mr.
Wilson.
With his broad knowledge of Shakespeare, I'm confident we can realize our goal.
Oh, I can assure you they'll be riveted to their seats.
Riveted, stapled, hot-glued - whatever works.
All-righty-righty, class.
Let us begin.
Now, Randy Taylor is our young Romeo.
And who, pray tell, is our Juliet? That would be I, Sharon Liebowitz.
Well, Miss Liebowitz, in act one, scene five Juliet falls in love with Romeo.
He takes your hand Randy? And you say "Good pilgrim, you do wrong your hand too much, which " Now, stop right there, Juliet.
Can you tell me the significance of that line? That I actually remembered it.
All right! Can anyone else tell me what it means? This is very troubling.
How can one act Shakespeare if one does not understand him? - We'll have to start at the beginning.
- Beginning of the play or scene? No.
The beginning of Shakespeare's life.
In order to interpret Shakespeare, you have to have a perspective on the time in which he lived.
Now, everybody gather 'round.
Gather, gather.
Gather.
Gather, gather.
- Is this guy for real? - Don't worry.
I'll take care of it.
Now, Shakespeare was born at Stratford-on-Avon in 1564.
He wrote a lot of plays.
Some were funny, some weren't.
Let's start! - Yeah! - No, no, no.
Sit, sit, sit.
I can understand what you're saying.
You're not the analytical types.
- So, we'll get right back to the play.
- Great.
But first I'd like to engage in some very basic acting exercises which will help rid you of your inhibitions.
All right, now, everybody can stand.
Stand.
Stand.
Stand up.
Stand up.
On your toesies.
Tip, tip, tip.
Up on your toes.
Up on your toes.
Put your arms at your side.
Arms at the side.
Now, flail your arms.
Flail your arms.
Flail, flail.
Flail.
Flail in the wind.
Flail in the wind.
Flail, Romeo.
Flail, Romeo.
Flail! Very good.
Very good.
Very good.
Now now I want you to close your eyes, close your eyes.
Close your eyes and pretend you are a vegetable.
You can be any vegetable.
Any vegetable.
You can be a carrot.
You can be a turnip.
You can be very ambitious - you can be a radish.
Thanks a lot, Randy.
I thought I was gonna be in a play, not in a salad.
Now, next I want you to turn to the person next to you and give them a big hug.
Oh, now, come on, come on.
Give 'em a big hug.
Be a good neighbor.
Hey! Very good.
Very good.
I finished my homework.
I'm going to the mall.
Wait, wait, wait, wait! Hold it! I'll get my keys.
I'll drive you over.
Sorry.
You know the rule.
You can't go to the mall until you're done with your homework.
Why are you suddenly remembering everything I've ever told you? 'Cause suddenly it's coming in very handy.
Tim being a responsible parent has come back to bite me in the butt.
Well, I warned you from day one.
- So, did you get the sets up? - Yes.
No thanks to the Biology teacher.
She said all the hammering is making her frogs bounce.
- Hey, Romeo.
How's the new director? - Well, let me put it this way.
Five minutes after he arrived, I became a radish and got hugged by a giant potato.
- What is this? Dinner theater? - What are you talking about? Wilson had us doing all these stupid acting exercises.
Oh! Oh, honey, that's just, you know, to loosen you guys up.
The kids hate it.
And they're blaming me.
If this keeps up, I'll quit.
- You can't quit.
You made a commitment.
- This is Wilson's first day.
He just wants to make sure that you guys understand the fundamentals of acting.
We would've been better off with Dad.
He never bothers to understand anything.
"Good night, good night! Parting is such sweet sorrow " "Sleep dwell upon thine eyes, peace in thy breast.
" Cease, my young players.
Your performances were much better this time.
Sharon, did you do something different? I took out my retainer.
And you, Randy? Did you do something different? I got in touch with my inner radish.
Well, your performance was very, very crisp.
But there's always room for improvement.
So go home.
And tomorrow morning, I want you to bring in a kitchen utensil that best personifies your character.
Dismissed.
A kitchen utensil? - Nice going, Randy.
- Hey! I just tried to get us a new director.
I never thought he'd turn the play into Romeo and Julia Child All right, yeah, yeah, yeah! Set it right down there.
Thank you, Dave.
Well, I'm putting the finishing touches on the aluminum set.
What do you think? Well, I'm thinking I won't be able to use this set.
Huh? Tim, the suburban interpretation - it's all wrong.
Why not just give Juliet a three-car garage? I see it.
If we're gonna go with this, three-car garage.
She's Italian.
Doesn't want to get the Ferraris rained on.
I like it! Tim, the sets have to fit my vision.
Pardonnez-moi I happen to be the set designer.
And I am the director.
I understand.
But I'm not some schlocky subcontractor off the street.
- I'm an artiste.
- Oh, Tim, Tim.
While I respect your opinion, you are primarily a tool show host.
- You have no background in the theater.
- Au contraire.
In high school, I designed the entire Streetcar Named Desire set.
And I used tuck 'n' roll leather.
And I put a big-block in a streetcar.
Ha! It is my job to shape this play as I see fit and protect its integrity.
- I say we have to change the sets.
- You want me to build new sets? I'm afraid so, Tim.
And please, please, please think 14th century.
I have to reprimand the costumer.
She's got Juliet in a bodice from the 15th century.
Oh, horrors! - Do I detect a note of sarcasm? - Maybe.
I've spent three weeks on these.
I won't build new ones! As your director, I insist you do! - Really? - Really.
Well, as your set designer, forget about it.
Because I quit! - Well, fine, fine, fine, fine! - Fine, fine, fine! You'll never work in this town again! Done.
Save.
Freedom! Freedom! Ah! Freedom! Ah! Freedom! Right there is a perfect example of why kids don't want to be seen in public with their parents.
I I just finished my paper, Brad.
I was celebrating! Great.
Now you can help me with my English essay.
- What's the assignment? - Write about two English authors.
- Which ones? - I have to compare Chaucer to Bacon.
Chaucer to Bacon.
Chaucer to Bacon.
No contest.
Chaucer has much less fat.
- Yeah.
I'll be up in a minute.
- Great.
- So, how'd it go at school? - Terrible.
Wilson wants me to build new sets.
Are you serious? After all the work you've done already? They say you can lead a horse to aluminum, but you can't force Italians into a garage.
I'm sorry that you and Randy are having such a bad experience.
- It's worse for Randy because I quit.
- What do you mean you quit? Wilson treated me like I was a nobody.
He doesn't realize I'm an artiste.
It's a well-kept secret.
You can't quit after we told Randy that he couldn't quit! We never told him I couldn't quit.
OK.
You tell him why it's OK for you to quit but not for him.
Gotta admit it's not gonna be easy.
Hey, Dad, I heard you quit.
Easier than I thought! This is totally unfair.
How come you get to quit and I don't? Because I'm an adult.
We can do a lot of things you can't do.
We can drive, we can vote and we can quit.
That's not fair! Yeah, you're right.
You kids should be able to vote.
I knew this play was a tragedy.
I didn't think my life would turn into one.
That was real good, Tim.
Made him feel a lot better.
- What are you gonna do now? - Mm.
Go talk to Wilson.
- You out here, Wilson? - Yes, I am, Tim, but I am kind of busy.
Thanks to you, I'm not only the play's director, I'm also the set designer, along with many other jobs too numerous to mention.
We should talk about what happened with you and me today.
Oh, that's all right, neighbor.
It was just that our visions clashed.
Happens all the time in the theater.
Happened with the costumer.
You know, it's not easy firing an eighth grader.
You fired little Susie Harris? Well, Tim, I had to.
A Montague would never wear this to a Capulet's ball.
Wilson, don't you see what's happening here? You're driving everybody crazy.
- I am? - I can't believe I'm even saying this.
But you're taking all the fun out of Shakespeare.
But my only aim was to put on a quality production.
I know that.
And there might not be a production at all.
A lot of kids are thinking of quitting.
- They are? - Yeah.
Juliet, Romeo Cappuccino, Montezuma, everybody.
Well, I had no idea.
You're obsessed with this.
You gotta lighten up.
- I'm not sure I can do that.
- Well, why not? Because when I take on a task, it's always my nature to strive for authenticity and perfection.
You know, this brings to mind another great 20th-century thinker.
- Einstein? - Me.
When I first started Tool Time.
I was so obsessed with every speck and detail that people got fed up with me.
- So, what did you do? - Well, I hired Al to be the boring one.
Which worked out very well.
I realized I had a higher purpose - to make tool usage more accessible to the common man.
So, you're saying I should make Shakespeare more accessible to the students.
If you blow it with these kids, they might learn to hate the theater.
Then there would be a whole new generation of people like me.
Oh, no.
I don't want that.
Hey, what's going on? We're talking about how we can get rid of Wilson.
- If we get rid of him, who's gonna direct? - My dad.
Your dad's gonna direct? He's a plumber.
Well, greetings, my teenage troupe.
Does everybody have your kitchen utensil? Yeah.
I want you to bring them over here and toss them in this box.
And then I want you to forget about them.
Wilson, you're not making any sense.
Your father told me that my overzealous pedagogy would only extinguish your Elizabethan exuberance.
My dad said that? - Actually, he said I was being a jackass.
- That's Dad.
- Does this mean we're rehearsing today? - Yes.
No analysis, no interpretation.
Just good old wacky Shakespearean fun.
Yeah! Start at the love scene featuring one of the greatest Juliets to grace the stage, Miss Sharon Liebowitz.
Well, this might not be so bad after all.
Well, I told you Romeo would never let you down.
- I might have to hug you again.
- I might have to let you.
I might have to hug you again.
I might have to pass.
Dad! He's a little big.
You think Romeo can take him? Shh! "O, I am slain!" I never thought I'd get such a kick out of Shakespeare.
It's all the aluminum.
- I think Wilson helped a little.
- Shh! - What happened to Juliet? - Just wait, just wait, just wait.
"O my love! My wife! Death hath suck'd the honey of thy breath " Do you get the symbolism of the crypt rising to Romeo? Yeah, yeah.
It's real interesting.
What's the symbolism of the crypt rising to the ceiling? Dad, what do I do now? Uh, um Just hold on.
Don't look down.
You'll throw up! Pardonnez-moi But I am the set designer.
And I am the Let's do it again.
Yeah! Pardonnez-moi I am the set designer.
And I am the director! Oh, that's not close enough.
Pardonnez-moi I am the set designer! And I am the director! Bigger! Bigger! Sell it! "Director!" Maybe I shouldn't get so big.