Roseanne s05e23 Episode Script

[Jackie.]
I am warning you.
Mom, if you don't stop treating me like a child, I am packed up and out of your place by tonight.
That's the coffee talking, Jackie.
Hold on a second.
What's that? Okay, i'll tell her.
The coffee says you're a meddling old bat Who's sapping my will to live.
Well, i'm sorry if I care about you, Jackie, But I watch you every day.
I'm just concerned about this reckless lifestyle of yours.
Reckless lifestyle? I am living with my mother in a retirement community! Now I see why you have so much trouble with people.
Not people, mom! You! I know you think you have a terrible mother, But you should thank your lucky stars.
There are women out there who have to go to psychiatrists Because their mothers were so horrible.
Surprise, mom! Twice a week.
Oh.
Well.
And I suppose you lie there And talk about what a bad mother I am.
I just hope I don't run into this doctor someday.
God knows what he'll think of me.
First of all, mom, my therapist is a woman.
Oh, how modern.
And I suppose this woman teaches you How to blame everything on me.
No, I already know how to blame everything on you.
She just tells me i'm right.
Oh, really? Well, fine.
If that's the way you want it, As of now, you have no mother.
Nope! Nope! No! These sick, sadistic games Aren't gonna work on me anymore, mom.
You no longer have any control over me.
Got it? I do not allow it in my life! What, what is it now? I'm sorry, Jackie.
You're right.
I don't know why I say the things I say.
There must be something wrong with me.
Mom-- No, it's true, Jackie.
I'm just reaching a point in my life Where I have to admit a few things.
I drove your father away.
And now it seems you and Roseanne don't want me around.
Maybe I deserve to spend the rest of my life alone.
Mom, it's not all your fault.
It's just that my problem is I blame my mistakes on other people.
It's just-- it's not you, mom.
It's me.
It's me.
It's all me.
I'm just no good.
You know, Jackie, I think I was wrong.
This therapy is working out very well.
[laughing.]
They paved the whole sidewalk there, And they built the porch, But the doorbell here, that's my idea.
'cause that's only, like, $1.
50 at the store, But it adds $3 value to the house.
Roseanne, roger's got a live one in the back.
Hey, Deej, why don't you ride your bike past the bedroom window? It'll make the neighborhood look quaint.
Yeah, but watch out for all those crackheads on the corner.
Oh, really nice built-ins.
Man, i've been after you for 15 years To build me shelves like this.
They were supposed to go Next to my entertainment center.
What entertainment center? That entertainment center.
God, Dan, it's like you're cheating on our house.
Dan, he really loves what you did to the kitchen.
All those big cabinets, the tiled countertops, spice rack.
Spice rack? You bastard.
It was only a little one, honey.
I'm going in here, and I had better not find Any ironing board coming out of any wall.
[thump.]
Dan! Come with me.
Tell her you did it.
The place really does look great, Roger.
Thank you.
Would you like the grand tour? I could show you around the house.
You could show me around Lanford.
Starting with dinner on Friday night.
Wait a minute.
Aren't you dating Nancy? My business partner Nancy? My friend Nancy? All three of them, yes.
But ours is a completely casual relationship.
I can date other women.
She can date other women.
You know, Roger, Nancy is a casual type of person, But i'm a real uptight, do-it-by-the-rules kind of gal, And one of the rules is never date Your lesbian friend's boyfriend.
Roseanne, you're making too big a deal out of this.
You even painted the names on, Dan.
The pepper place, the oregano place, the salt place.
I promise you'll get one.
When, Dan? When will I get my pepper place? I swear, Dan said he was gonna build you one, Roseanne.
Shut up! Excuse me.
Roger.
I've seen everything.
Can we talk for a minute? Absolutely.
Excuse us, everyone.
Sure.
Hey.
Hi.
Hi.
Man, we're cutting it pretty close.
There's only five days before the mortgage is due.
Oh, well, don't worry about it Because Roger can sell anything to anybody.
Look what he sold Nancy.
Look, chaps, I think we should stay here a while In case some other people come by.
Oh, sure.
He didn't like the backyard, did he? No, he liked the backyard.
Then what? The house is too small? No, he liked the house.
We should stay here so we can tell the other people The house is already sold.
Roger, i'm gonna kiss you! No, Dan, you're not.
[Roseanne.]
ah, kiss me.
Congratulations, you guys! Hey, yeah, well, what about me, you know? I'm the one that forced Dan to get involved in the first place.
Yes, you did, honey.
Men, let's hear it for being whipped.
You did great work here, guys.
Thank you, my friend.
This is it.
This is my future.
Come on, honey.
Let's go home.
I'm building you a spice rack, baby.
Oh, now that we're rich, I don't want one of your crummy jobs.
I want a store-bought one.
Gold digger.
Whoa.
Look at her go, spending all that new money.
Ha ha! Don't try to stop me, Because i'm headed over here for the $4 table.
Do you have this in a husky? Why? I think it fits you real good.
Really? Really.
[mouthing.]
thank you.
Sorry i'm late.
Mom couldn't let me go.
I still had an ounce of self-esteem left.
Oh, Jackie, it's your own fault For telling her about your shrink in the first place.
I was cornered.
I had to hurt her.
Move out, Jackie.
I know you're afraid to get out there and mix, But, you know, the world is a lot less scarier than mom.
Jackie, Roseanne, what do you think? I think it could be a little snug.
It's not for me, it's for my baby.
Oh, Nancy, are you dressing up that cat again? No.
I think i'm going to be pregnant.
What do you mean by "gonna be"? Well, it means I really want to have a baby, And Roger's gonna be the father.
Whoa.
Roger wants to have a baby? I don't know.
I haven't asked him.
I don't really care.
As soon as I get pregnant, I'm gonna end the relationship.
You're not even taking his feelings into consideration.
You're treating him like he's some sperm dispenser.
That's not true.
Roger's a very special person And he has great teeth.
[scoffs.]
I can't even believe she's doing that.
I mean, what is she gonna tell the kid When it comes out with a british accent? Nancy as a mom.
Too weird.
Oh, yeah.
I just can't wait to see that baby In the little stretch pants and high heels.
Well, maybe we're not being fair to Nancy.
People change.
Maybe having a baby is a sign She's becoming less self-involved.
Guys, look at this stroller.
What do you think? You think it makes me look fat? Come on, Darlene.
We're all alone.
No one will be home for hours.
No, we shouldn't do this here.
It's okay.
No.
My parents have probably done it on this couch.
Let's go.
Where you going? I thought you're not allowed upstairs When there's no one here.
That's right, D.
J.
And i'm not allowed in your bedroom at night Holding a pillow over your face.
But i'll be there.
I'm not scared of you.
There's groceries out in the car.
Go get 'em.
I wish I had someone to boss around like that.
Oh, wait, I do.
Go help him.
D.
J.
, where'd you get those jelly beans? From the bin at the store.
D.
J.
, I told you.
You've gotta finish eating them while you're in the store Or else it's stealing.
I'm sorry.
Well, you put those back in your pocket.
When we go shopping again next week, You put 'em back in the bin.
Hey.
Hey, what's the good word? The buyer backed out.
Uh, maybe you didn't hear the question.
He didn't even give a reason.
He just changed his mind.
Now I gotta figure out how the hell I'm gonna pay the bills for all the supplies.
Well, so? You just go to Roger And get him to front you the money until the house sells.
I can't do that.
He's an important business contact.
I don't wanna look like some bum asking for a handout.
Well then, wear a tie.
I'm not gonna do it.
I'll go to the lumber yard and ask for 30 more days on my credit.
The house is bound to sell by then.
And what if you can't get the extension? Well then, i'll finally have the time To build you those shelves you've been wanting.
Of course, they'll be free-standing shelves In the middle of the field we'll be living in.
That's the last time i'm bringing groceries into this house.
Hmmph.
You got that right.
Man, I can't believe that lumber yard Wouldn't give you an extension.
I never thought i'd say this.
I'm too depressed to drink.
You know, i'm really sorry I got you into this, Dan.
You can't blame yourself.
Listen, life's worth nothing if you don't take risks.
Of course, we took the risks, and we're still worth nothing.
You know, anne-marie and I haven't worked in 10 months.
If this thing doesn't sell, I don't know how we're gonna live.
Hey, I owe a ton of money to a lumber yard.
I don't know if i'm gonna live.
I'm in way more trouble than you are.
At least Roseanne has a business.
I wish I had a wife who would carry me.
Roseanne doesn't carry me.
Oh, come on, Dan.
It's not a big deal.
Yeah, it is.
You're saying I can't support myself.
I didn't say "can't.
" I said "don't.
" Hey, Chuck, you know what? Remember a while ago when I said you shouldn't blame yourself for all this? I was wrong.
You go ahead and blame yourself all you want! Hey, look, it's not my fault that you're so stupid You jump into a business deal And don't have the money to back it up.
Hey, nobody calls me stupid in this house that doesn't live here! Well, fine! I'll go outside and yell it through the window! Here's a hint: The window's the square thing with the glass in it.
Oh! Oh, you're trying to say I don't know anything about construction? No! Everybody puts a fuse box in the shower! I thought it was a closet.
The way you build 'em, it's hard to tell the difference.
Hey! We're not done yet.
[low voice.]
hey, that's my shoulder, man.
You sure it's not a closet? Look, i'm warning you.
Don't touch me, Conner.
Who's gonna stop me? Hey! Hey, hey, hey! Hey, you're gonna break my house.
What's the hell's going on? We didn't get the extension.
Thanks to this jerk here, we're out 5 grand! Well, gee, Dan, this is an emergency.
You might have to go out and get a job.
Whoa! You, in the house.
You go home and tell your mom you can't play here no more.
What are you doing fighting with your best friend Over some business deal? And why didn't you get that extension? Oh, you're the one that told me we should get into this in the first place.
No, no, no, no, no! What I told you is that you should not use me As an excuse not to do it, okay? Besides, in my version we become zillionaires And everyone we hate is crushed under our immense wealth.
[knock on door.]
If all is running true to form, That should be the angel of death.
[chuckles.]
close.
Danny, I have wonderful news.
Thank god! You sold the house! Nope.
Better than that.
You know that big old victorian on Pine and Central? My contractor dropped out.
Absolute wimp.
No vision.
So i'm offering you first shot at this.
All we need is an extra Sorry, Roger.
Dan's out of nuts.
Roseanne, this is a sure thing.
We can make twice as much as we're making on the other place.
Well, let's see, two times zero is Not enough.
We gotta make at least four times zero.
Listen, rog, the bill for the lumber yard's due any minute.
I was gonna ask you to float me a loan until the house sells.
Dan.
Daniel.
Danny.
You're a great talker.
You can get more credit.
It's just paper.
Rog.
Roger.
Roggie! It's just food on the table.
I mean, come on, we're not even sure The first place is gonna sell.
What are you saying? I don't know how to sell the place? I can sell anything.
I've even sold hovels worse than this one.
Whoa.
Dan, uh Robin leach here is beginning to lose his charm.
I didn't mean that.
I'm sorry.
I can be such a beast.
I just don't want to lose you as partners.
What can I do to help you? You can buy me out.
You can't pull out now, Dan.
Not after you put in all that hard work.
There must be some way you can put these people off.
Just don't answer the phone.
Oh, yeah, right.
Or when they come up to the door, We'll turn all the lights off, Or we won't sign the check, Or we'll leave the envelope unsealed So they think the check fell out of it.
I'm sorry, roger, but we're not that kind of people.
Well, fair enough.
I'll come by tomorrow With a cashier's check for $5,000.
And i'll tell you what.
For the extra time and sweat that you put into the place, I'll throw in another 2,000.
I don't want to lose our friendship over this one deal.
All right, then.
See you tomorrow.
You don't have to give us the extra two grand, rog.
I'm way too proud to take your money.
[knock on door.]
[groans.]
who the hell is that? Roseanne, roger left me! I can't believe it.
How could he do this? How could he be so insensitive? I didn't even have a chance to ovulate.
I don't understand.
[quietly.]
I don't want to.
It really felt like we were right for each other.
Oh, I know.
You think you're using the right guy.
And he left with the $5,000 I gave him.
What? He left the apartment Or he left town? Both.
What happened to the hugging? Nancy, are you sure he's gone? Yeah.
I went by his place and it's empty.
And I talked to his landlady, and he left the key.
Oh, man! This is unbelievable.
I'm gonna kill him.
It's so sweet of you two to be concerned, But i'll be okay, really.
Nancy, we're not talking about you! He conned us out of five grand.
And now we gotta unload that house.
I can't believe he did this to you.
My friends! I think you should track him down.
And when you do, you tell him i'm really hurt And that i'm just stupid enough To have sex with him one more time! Oh, man, we're screwed.
No, Dan, we are so far beyond screwed That the light from screwed Will take one billion years to reach the earth.
Dan, what are you doing here so early? Roseanne doesn't come in till noon.
I know.
I kinda needed to talk to you alone, Bev.
Listen, Bev, I need to borrow $5,000 until that house sells.
Now, you know i'd rather do anything than beg you for money, But you're the only person I know That can't possibly think any less of me.
Well, Dan, this is uncomfortable.
I don't want to be the one you turn to Every time you have a little financial crisis.
I don't blame you.
This reminds me of the little story Of the grasshopper and the ant.
Oh, yeah.
They walked into the bar with the rabbi and the priest? The grasshopper, if I remember correctly, played all summer While the little ant toiled and toiled saving food.
But when winter came, That silly grasshopper would have starved to death, But the kindly ant took him in.
The grasshopper enjoyed today, But never gave a thought to the cold, cold winter to come.
Do you understand what i'm saying, Dan? Yes, Beverly.
I am a grasshopper.
But someday, I hope to be an ant like you.
Thanks for waking me up, mom! You said you didn't want me to, That I was treating you like a child.
I know what you're doing, mom.
You may not know what you're doing, but I know what you're doing.
You let me sleep in so you can rag on me for showing up late.
You know, Jackie, I don't think you need a psychiatrist.
I think what you need is a good alarm clock.
No, mom! What I need is to get away from you.
I'm an adult.
It's time I had a place of my own.
Dan, i'm gonna buy that old house.
Are you sure about this? I've never been so sure about anything in my life.
I'd like to move in immediately.
Let me get this straight.
This is a deal, right? It's a deal.
Jackie, you have no idea what those words mean to me.
So, Beverly Where in the hell do you get off Talking to me like i'm some piece of dirt? You forgot the last chapter in your little story.
The grasshopper comes back with his old buddy the anteater.
And after he's finished sucking the little ant up his long snout, He spits her out 'cause she's so old and bitter! I wish you hadn't done that, Dan.
Who do you think i'm gonna ask to borrow the down payment from? Listen, Bev? Oh, man, we are screwed.
Oh We should have known something like this was gonna happen.
Yeah, after all, we're involved.
You know where we made our mistake? We should never have throwed out that chain letter.
[southern accent.]
if we'd only sent a hundred dollars to five total strangers, We could have made us a fortune.
[southern accent.]
no, well, i'm thinki'' about that bridge We could have bought over there in New York City.
Oh, she was a dandy big bridge, all right.
You know, Dan, I think if we move fast, We can get right in on that pyramid scheme sweeping Lanford.
We could own our very own damn pyramid.
You mean like the ones up to Egypt, Africa? Hot diggity dog!