Home Improvement s05e24 Episode Script

- Does everybody know what time it is? - Tool Time! Binford Tools is proud to present Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor! Woo-woo! Thank you! Thank you, Heidi.
Thank you, everybody.
Welcome to Tool Time I'm Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor.
And you know my assistant, Al "Metal Head" Borland.
Welcome to Metal Week right here on Tool Time This week we invited my old high school shop teacher along.
- The maestro of metal.
- The sultan of steel.
Ooh, good.
The earl of er-luminum.
Let's give him a warm welcome out here.
Mr.
Art Leonard, come on! Hey, Timmy.
How're you? - It's exciting to have you here.
- Thank you.
What was your reaction when I said you were coming back on Tool Time? Fear.
Don't worry.
That'll go away once you're unconscious.
- Tell everyone what we'll do this week.
- Oh, sure.
OK.
First I'll show you how to frame with steel.
Then how to install aluminum gutters, and then we'll talk about flashing on your roof.
Which is better than where he usually does it out there in the street.
Do you remember when you used to make cracks like that in class? Yeah.
Yeah.
You used to give me that "shut up and wait in the hall" look.
Is he looking at me right now? - OK, I stand in the hall.
- Oh, come on.
Get back here.
When I was in school, I never spoke until I was called on.
Did I call on you? No.
Let's start with the gutters.
I've cut these pieces with an old-fashioned hack saw.
Right.
Now we can attach the gutters to our fascia board using this bad boy.
The Binford CO2-powered nail gun.
Oh, yeah! This will shoot a thousand eight-penny nails, galvanized, in an hour.
- All right.
Hold your horses! - No, Mr.
Bond.
You hold your horses.
First we have to pop-rivet the joints.
Now, the rivets will not be complete until they're actually Ah! Ah! Oh! Oh-ho! - You shot Mr.
Leonard in the butt? - Yes.
That's exactly why you shouldn't play around with a nail gun! I'm trained in first aid.
I'll need a claw hammer, a vacuum hose, some Band-Aids and a magnet.
Mom, someone's gotta take that perfume away from Grandma.
The upstairs reeks.
She wants to smell pretty for her date with Mr.
Leonard.
Grandma's going out on a date? Isn't she a little old for that? Brad, your social life doesn't end just because you're a senior citizen.
I guess you'll find out in a couple years.
You do know that the oldest son has to feed and bathe his mother.
Gross! The whole upstairs stinks! It's just your mother's perfume.
Why do you women think that we want you to smell like flowers? - What do you want us to smell like? - Cigars.
If you want to attract a man, spray on a little Essence of Stogie.
Hey, Mr.
Leonard.
Come on in.
Have a seat.
I only wish I could.
Still a little tender in that area, huh? I got shot in the butt in Korea, it didn't hurt this much.
So, I hear you've been seeing quite a lot of Lucille lately.
Oh, yeah.
I went up last month and we drove into Gaylord for her birthday.
Oh, I'm so sorry I'm late.
Oh, Art! Hey, beautiful! My gosh! You're as pretty as a peach in a little red wagon.
How come you never say stuff like that to me? I didn't even understand it.
- We'll see you guys later.
- Bye-bye.
- Have a good time.
- Bye.
- They are so adorable.
- Yeah, but didn't that kiss seem a little long to you? - They were just saying hello.
- No, no, no.
That was not hello.
That was hello! Come on, Tim.
You know they're seeing each other.
I thought they were seeing each other like old people see each other.
Eating dinner at 4:30, watchin' Matlock They're old, Tim, they're not dead.
You're not suggesting that they - They might be.
- Oh, no.
Just because they're older doesn't mean they don't have the same urges we have.
This is an area I don't want to discuss, OK? Tim, you are an adult.
You should be able to think of your mother as a sexual being.
Why are you all dressed up? 'Cause I'm taking Mom out to a real nice restaurant.
What'd you do this time? - Nothing! - That bad? You guys have no idea what it takes to make a good marriage.
How could we? You don't take your wife out after you've screwed up.
Sometimes you take her out before you screw up.
That way you build up credit for stupid things you haven't done yet.
So, it's kind of like getting frequent screw-up miles.
I like that.
Hi, Grandma.
You're going out to dinner.
Why are you eating before you go? Jill lets me.
Tim, how many times have I told you not to eat before we go out to dinner? Mom lets me.
Thanks for staying with the boys, Lucille.
- Happy to do it.
- We'll be back around ten.
Take your time.
And be sure and mention Art's name at Sorentino's.
He really made an impression with the owner.
He certainly has made an impression on you.
- Oh, Jill.
- Oh, Lucille.
It's just that Art has such a zest for life.
He makes me happy in a way that I never thought I could be again.
I'm so glad for you.
You know, Mom, whatever you and Art are doing - which I don't want to know - I'm happy.
- I really appreciate that, Tim.
You know, it's just too bad that you couldn't have dated him in high school.
I'd have gotten better grades.
Come to think of it, you should have dated my Math and English teachers.
- Your Math teacher was a woman.
- If you loved me, there's no difference.
We don't usually let our babysitters have boyfriends over - but for Mr.
Leonard we'd make an exception.
Oh, that's OK, honey.
I think he needs to spend some time with his daughter.
Besides, I don't want to monopolize all of Art's time.
- Tim, stop eating the crackers.
- I'm not! All right.
Then whistle.
- Buon giorno - No, Taylor.
Tim Taylor.
It's unbelievable how many guys think I'm this Buongiorno guy.
Amazing coincidence.
Ah, your table is ready.
Antonio will be your waiter.
- Thank you.
- Buon giorno I must be the guy's twin.
- I got to go to the ladies' room.
- All right.
Wash your hands.
- What? - I thought I was with the boys.
You don't need to wash your hands.
Thank you.
- Sir, would you care to see our wine list? - You bet I would.
Perhaps I can interest you in the Brunello di Malticino? Is that the price per bottle or for the vineyard? Perhaps you'd be interested in something a little more modest? Maybe with a twist-off.
In that case, may I offer you a soda? We have a root beer that's quite amusing.
And a waiter who's not.
How about just two nice glasses of your house white? Very good, sir.
Hey, Mr.
Leonard.
- Tim, what are you doing? - Get down! - Why? - Mr.
Leonard's here with another woman.
- Well, it's probably his daughter.
- That would make him 195 years old.
- Maybe it's his sister.
- They were kissing on the lips.
- Lots of families kiss on the lips.
- Yeah.
The families from Deliverance Tim, don't jump to any conclusions.
You know what kind of man Mr.
Leonard is.
A dirty, rotten, two-timing rat! Would you like your wine served in the planter? We were just admiring the greenery.
What are these called? Plants.
Might I tell you about the specials tonight? How can you think of food at a time like this? Perhaps because this is a restaurant? Could you just give us a few moments, please? Very good.
- This is so depressing.
- Tell me about it.
I've looked up to that man.
Said those romantic things to Mom.
- What'd he call her? - A peach in a little red wagon.
Probably calling her a kumquat in a little blue tractor.
- Here they come! Hide! - Where? Under the table! Would you like to hear the specials now? Are you and Mr.
Leonard gonna get married? Oh, I don't know.
I guess it's a possibility someday.
We're not ready yet.
Are you gonna live together first, like Mom and Dad did? Wait a minute.
Are you saying that before they got married your mom and dad lived together? Oh, no, no.
See, what I said is that before they got married they loved good weather.
See? Grandma, maybe you should get your ears checked.
My hearing is just fine.
How's your memory? - We have got to tell her.
- No, we're not gonna tell her.
Tomorrow, I'll talk to Mr.
Leonard tool man to tool man, OK? - We'll pretend nothing happened? - That's how we do it in my family.
She doesn't know that I hitchhiked to Indy or that you and I lived together before we were married.
- Hi, Mom.
- Hi! - How'd you like the restaurant? - Oh, it was great.
You know, I didn't expect you home so early.
Maybe I'll go over to Art's and surprise him.
That would surprise him.
But don't do that.
- Why? Do you think he's in bed? - I'd bet on it.
I'm sure he's still up.
- Mom, you can't go.
- Why not? Because, gosh darn it! I miss you.
- You should go see Art tomorrow.
- OK.
I guess that can be done.
Great.
Let's have coffee.
We'll talk.
OK.
Why not start with how you two lived together before you got married? You handle that.
I'll make the coffee.
It's gonna be great having you on the show, Wilson.
- You know, your sculptures are incredible.
- Well, thank you, Al.
Ever since I was a young lad, it was always a dream of mine to create metal headwear.
Well, ever since I started working with Tim, it's been a dream of mine to wear metal headwear.
I confess I am feeling a wee bit of stage fright.
A little nervous, are you? I'm fearing I'm about to experience reverse peristalsis.
- What do you mean? - I'm about to blow chowder.
- Where's Mr.
Leonard? - He called to say he's running a little late.
Oh, I bet he's running late! Probably picking up babes down at the Social Security Office.
- Mr.
Leonard dates your mother.
- That's what I thought.
Last night I saw him kissing some other woman in a restaurant.
It seems to me that Mr.
Leonard probably has a problem with monogamy.
I don't care what kind of wood he uses.
This guy's a role model, I've looked up to him.
Well, Tim, I'm reminded of what the English essayist, Samuel Johnson, said about teachers of morality.
Oftentimes they discourse like angels.
But more often, they live like men.
The only problem is my mom's never been happier.
- You guys, we're on in three minutes! - Oh, dear! Oh, dear! Oh, dear! - Tim, stand away from Wilson.
- Why? Don't ask.
Now that we've shown you Wilson's metal sculptures I'm Spartacus.
No, I'm Spartacus.
I am Spartacus.
Ask anybody, I'm No, I'm Spartacus.
OK, you're Spartacus.
You go ahead with that Spartacus stuff.
Get whipped.
Spartacus and I will be right back after these messages with Tim's high-school shop teacher, Mr.
Leonard.
He's gonna show us how to customize a mailbox, so stay tuned.
- All right, let's hurry up.
- Be careful with this.
Hey, Timmy.
I'm sorry I'm late.
Yeah.
Thanks for showing up halfway through the show.
I was getting the stitches removed from my butt.
The doctor says hello.
He recognized your handiwork.
We're back with Mr.
Leonard, who's gonna show us his hobby.
At least one of them.
This is a very beautiful mailbox.
How would you make one of these? Take a sheet of 24-gauge half-hard aluminum and bang it against the anvil.
You have a lot of hammers to choose from.
This here is a ballpeen.
This is a bumping hammer.
Which one would you prefer? Well, actually, Al, I like to use both of them.
So, one hammer's not good enough for you? No, it isn't.
Each hammer gives you something different.
There's a lot of good solid folks out there that think you should pick one hammer.
I think they're crazy.
Sometimes I use a rubber mallet.
You'll just hammer with anything, won't you? - What the hell are you talking about? - A guy I thought I knew.
- Not one that picks up tools in restaurants.
- What? All right.
OK.
I think it's time for another break.
We'll be right back after these messages from Binford.
- What's the matter? - What is going on? - I got a bone to pick with Mr.
Leonard.
- Let's hear it.
We have an audience.
Pick your bones backstage.
All right.
What's your problem with me, kid? I saw you at Sorentino's last night with another woman.
- Oh, boy! - Yeah.
I saw everything.
Flowers, the kiss.
I'll be honest with you.
I'm dating another woman.
- Her name is Florence.
- How can you do this to Mom? She told me you made her happy.
- I feel the same about your mother.
- What about Florence? I wanted to break it off with her.
I took her to dinner to say goodbye.
- That's not what it looked like.
- I kept saying goodbye, and she kept saying hello.
My mom is real serious about you.
Tim, I was married for 42 years.
After my wife died, I never thought I'd date again.
And then about three months ago, I met two terrific women.
I really liked the both of them.
I guess I went a little overboard.
Figure out who you're saying hello and goodbye to.
We're on in three seconds.
Are you finished, or should I do it by myself? If you do it by yourself, we're all finished.
Come on! We're back with Mr.
Leonard who's now gonna choose between a ballpeen hammer and a bumping hammer, remembering how close he is to the son of the ballpeen.
- What do you think he's saying to her? - I don't know.
- Will he stop seeing that other woman? - I don't know.
- Will he commit to your mother? - I don't know.
How can you have a conversation with this man and know nothing? I don't know.
That's the difference between you and me.
I don't pry into people's lives.
Well, neither do I.
God, I wish we'd put that intercom switch on downstairs! I did.
Just turn the volume up.
You know, I I've thought a lot about our relationship.
- I have too.
- Oh, OK.
- You want to go steady? - Sounds good to me.
Does that mean you won't be seeing that other woman? - Oh, boy! I wasn't that obvious, was I? - No.
It was Tim and Jill.
They were acting so idiotic last night I knew something was up.
That is all over.
I've also given a great deal of thought about my priorities in life.
You're right at the top.
Right after my arthritis pills.
You're at the top of my list, too.
After my bunion pads.
Boy, are we gonna be a lovely pair, walking hand in hand into the pharmacy.
- So, where do we go from here? - I don't know.
- But at our age we had better go fast.
- Art! You're prettier than a blushing apricot in a little wicker basket.
I love it when you talk fruit to me.
- Isn't that sweet? - He sure knows his produce.
What do you think they're doing now? It's pretty quiet.
Hey.
Mr Leonard! - The food here is actually quite good.
- Yeah.
We finally got to enjoy the food.
- Thank you, honey.
- You're welcome.
- May I interest you in some dessert? - Ooh, we'd love dessert.
- We have a delicious cr‚me brl‚e.
- I don't believe this guy! All right, it's a little bland.
But the chocolate mousse is excellent.
- You can't believe a word the man says.
- All right.
The lemon tart.
I swear by it.
Excuse me.
- Hey, Art.
- Well, hello, Timmy.
What the heck's going on here? - Careful, Tim.
- She's half your age, buddy! - You ought to be ashamed of yourself.
- I'd like you to meet my daughter.
Well, of course it's your daughter.
She's half your age.
It's a pleasure to meet you.
I'll slip back to my table and finish my other foot.
Interesting.
Very interesting.
But stupid.