Modern Family s05e24 Episode Script

Hey, best man.
Yeah, I think I might go with "Best Person.
" Is this about mom again? I told you, I'm fine.
I was just a little sad for you.
Mom's a no-show, and you and dad are hardly even speaking.
I'm leaving you! Not if I leave you first! What did you do?! Attention! Attention, please! The fire has jumped the freeway.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
If you're evacuating the whole area, can't you just do us last? I don't think you realize how close you are to actual flames.
Hello.
Pepper Saltzman.
Big supporter of yours.
Have all your calendars.
We've waited 10 years.
Can we please have an hour? I can give you 30 minutes.
We can make that work! The wedding will go on just in a slightly pared-down version.
Claire, you're up front.
Flower girl, strewing.
Grooms, come with me.
"Ooh! Ahh! They look so handsome!" Quartet, quartet, quartet! And cue Sal.
Start after your limerick.
Oh, god, no! Ugh! We're all making sacrifices, dear.
I have a Prius full of monarch butterflies who are apparently coming home with me.
- Aah! - No! Her water broke! No! No, it did not! I am barely pregnant! Thank you all for being here on this joyous occasion.
There once was a homo named Tucker Sal, stop.
No, you're going into labor! Also, just stop! But we've only been together four months.
I just love you so much, I can't wait to have your baby.
God! Kids ruin everything! Yeah, they sure do.
Let's get you to the hospital and have our miracle baby.
Okay.
Just so you know, sometimes when babies come this early - Uh-huh.
- they're black.
Okay, this is a disaster! We have no one to marry us! Dearly beloved, that is a problem.
Yep.
Thanks to $35 and the internet, you are looking at the good reverend Phillip Humphrey Dunphy.
Over the last year, I've dropped a few subtle hints to Mitch and Cam that I was available.
Hey, have you guys decided who's gonna officiate your wedding? 'Cause I got ordained online.
Oh, my god.
A wallaby! Oh, my gosh! To be continued! Phil, you're a lifesaver.
Thank you.
No thanks necessary.
Cameron, marrying you would make me the happiest man on earth.
Everyone, attention, please! I've been informed by the fire chief we need to leave immediately! - The winds have shifted! - What? But w-we have 30 minutes! A fellow wedding facilitator has informed me a beautiful space just became available.
To the shuttles! But we don't know a thing about this place.
Oh, my mistake.
Let's go over it.
It's a quaint, rustic spot, though its chief selling point is it's not about to become a kiln! To the shuttles! Cam, where are the shuttles that brought everyone up from the parking lot? Apparently they were double booked.
This is the best Pepper could do.
This is how we're getting everyone to the wedding? Half our guests are gay.
We're finally giving them a good memory on a school bus.
That doesn't look completely sewn on.
You might want to get something to cover that.
Oh, good idea.
Thank you.
What did you say to Merle that make him want to leave Barb? I have no idea! We were just shooting the breeze Wedding day, Dede, how happy I am now that I'm with you.
Why would you say something like that? Now you're breaking somebody's heart.
I didn't mean for her to get hurt.
Not her, him when he realizes that not every second wife looks like this.
Thank you for lending me your jacket, Jay.
It's good to know there are still gentleman in the world.
Oh, it's you, Barb.
I didn't see you there on account of my bright future.
Thank you, Gloria.
Standing up to that old goat was best thing I ever did.
What's all that about? No, no.
The thing is that she told me a story about a goat And it's very old and then the goat Oh, don't give me that.
I told her to express herself.
I believe that in a good marriage, a woman can ex Fine.
Whatever.
I'll undo it.
We can't let Cam know what the situation with his parents is.
He's very delicate.
I can't believe I'm involved in breaking up yet another marriage.
What? Hey, hey.
How you holding up? Uh, I've had better days.
But you and me we're cool, right? We probably have some things that we should talk about, but maybe we save it for a less-stressful day.
This is not your fault, by the way.
The fire was an act of God.
Not that god sent a fireball down to keep a couple guys from getting married, but I didn't say that right.
There's no way that this any of this is part of God's plan.
Save something for the toast, Dad.
Damn it.
Where do you want this? Bus five.
What's wrong with your voice? The three of us just took a road trip.
We sang Broadway tunes all the way to the Texas border.
And then from the other side of Texas to Florida.
Hey, so you're, like, the minister? Kinda.
When they lost Sal, the situation was a no-brainer, which made them think of me.
Isn't there a lot you have to remember to marry people? Not really.
They all follow the same basic pattern.
"We're gathered here today to join these two in holy matrimony.
" "Do you take him to be your lawfully wedded spouse?" And the first person says - I do? - Right.
Then I ask the second person, "Do you take him to be your lawfully wedded spouse?" - You know the drill, right? - I do.
Then I say, "By the powers vested in me by the state of California, I now pronounce you legally wed.
" Bingo, bango, bongo, you're married.
Awesome.
Really awesome.
Look, Barb, I know what you're going through.
You and Merle are at a crossroads in your marriage.
It feels like the end of the world, But in time, you'll see it more as a Right.
A little hiccup that we all go through.
My advice don't do anything.
Just take some time and breathe.
Maybe through your nose.
Did you happen to find anything in one of my pockets? Funny you should "Flask.
" Maybe I'll just take that.
Excuse me.
Well, it's much lighter now, isn't it? Yeah.
Okay, this is weird.
I think this is the same seat I used to nervously scratch at On my way to school.
Oh, poor thing.
Yeah.
Even then I felt such pressure to be perfect.
Andy's flight is delayed again.
Okay.
That was close.
We almost connected on a human level.
He's doing the dumbest thing.
His girlfriend broke up with him, and he's flying out to win her back.
That sounds so romantic.
It's so weak.
This girl throws a fit, he goes running.
If they get back together, she has all the power.
Oh, my god.
You like him.
No, I don't.
What? This is so hilarious.
He's totally not your type.
Shut up.
Please.
You can't stop thinking about him, you're checking on him.
He's not even like a real person.
He's like a muppet.
I don't even get some of Sal's remarks here.
"Marriage is like a freeway messy, but if you communicate, it's so worth it.
" Honey, that does not say "Freeway.
" I can't use any of this, but I don't want the whole ceremony to be generic.
There needs to be some magic in it.
Well, you can read a poem or maybe Hold on.
Back up.
I like your last idea a magic trick.
I did not suggest a magic trick.
After all, what's better than magic to symbolize the wonder of marriage?! Excuse me.
I'm talking to you.
Yeah, yeah.
They looked good on you in the store, but now you're not sure.
That was the topic 10 minutes ago.
Well, maybe if I stapled the sports page to my head, you'd pay attention.
As long as it covered your mouth.
- What? - Nothing.
Ugh, when are we going to be there? Soon, honey.
Very soon.
Come on.
Give us a smile.
Remember, this is the happiest day of your dads' lives.
The butterflies are eating me! Well, who told you to jostle the crate?! Oh, blah.
One got in my mouth.
What a bunch of babies.
Pepper said it was nice.
I hope we like it.
Cam, Cam, listen, whatever's on the other side of this curtain, we cannot be disappointed.
You're right.
Today is not about flowers or superficial things.
Right.
Okay.
- Oh, thank god.
- It's pretty.
I was so scared! - Oh, I love it, I love it.
- I could cry! Oh, don't cry.
You'll streak your bronzer.
Everyone, please take your seats! We'll be starting in cinco minutes, 10 at the most.
Do you ever notice with Ronaldo how his language barrier sort of fluctuates? How is this place even available? Oh, dreadful story.
Runaway bride, suicidal groom, feuding families.
It really puts our mundane problems in perspective.
Oh, we can't dim the lights.
Then break some.
These are not young men! Why don't you two go freshen up? Wait.
Why am I seeing only half a quartet? Ed and Jim are volunteer firemen.
Of course they are.
Try to play in front of a mirror.
- A kiss for luck.
- Oh, okay.
Yes.
A kiss for luck, my little gingersnap! Oh, okay.
Oh, wow, Barb.
Oh, oh, good thing we're out of the fire zone.
Wow.
Well, you know your dad gave me a little wedding helper.
I didn't know the jacket still had a Flask.
Yeah.
Oh, that's nice.
Yeah.
You know, at the end of the ceremony, I kiss a man, so you might want to fill 'er up.
This is how you try to fix things? - You get her drunk? - Don't blame him.
She's been a loose cannon ever since she started going to that church service that starts at 10:30.
They play guitar music.
It's a celebration.
It's gomorrah.
The pastor wears one of them Madonna microphones.
Oh, Madonna microphones.
Where's my little corn silk? Hey, you want to go out and do something fun after this thing? No, I was thinking about staying in tonight and spending some time with Joe.
Ugh, you never want to do anything since that baby came along.
- How are you? - I'm good.
You you have the, um Marriage license, rings, signing pen, toast? Yes, of course.
There's a reason I'm the best person.
You know that's just a title for today, right? Yeah, I'm the best person at this wedding.
I'm still kind of hearing what is that? Oh, my god.
Oh, my god.
Wait.
Oh.
That's pollen.
Oh, no.
Honey.
Don't look at me.
I only had one corsage.
Where's your sister? Haley? Andy! You're still here? Yeah.
My flight keeps getting delayed because of weather.
Oh, so does the wedding.
Wait.
Is fire weather? - There was a fire? - Yeah.
Guess that explains that smoking dress.
Line, Andy.
Well, if you're if you're just killing time, the new wedding venue is nearby.
You could totally come and hang.
I don't think I'm exactly dressed for it.
Of course, if I was with you, no one would even look at me.
Wow, okay.
That is quite enough pie for you, young man.
Ugh.
I've got to get back.
Um, look, I didn't come here for coffee.
Andy, I don't think it's a good idea for you to get on that plane.
I don't think Beth is worth it.
You don't even know Beth.
I think I do.
I think I've been her.
Let me guess.
For every 10 letters you write, she writes one.
She's always the one who ends the phone call.
You happen to mention when your birthday's coming up because you know deep down she's already forgotten it.
Meanwhile, she gives you just enough to keep you on the hook.
Hello? Of course I didn't leave, Mom.
You walked past me two seconds ago.
I'm just saying, you deserve better.
Oh, my god! I'm waving at you! Stay where you are! I'm walking towards you! Lily, here you go.
I'm taking your corsage.
But it's mine.
You're the flower girl.
It's part of your job.
Read the fine print.
Thank you.
Claire! What? I-I need the rings.
- For what? - To practice our trick.
Come on, come on, come on.
Oh, honey, I don't know about the magic trick.
Don't you think people should be focused on Cam and Mitch? I'm hoping so.
It's the perfect misdirect.
Okay, here's how we're gonna do this.
You hold the rings.
Okay.
I say, "They say the best marriages contain just a little bit of magic.
" We hold up our arms.
You let go of the rings.
They slide down the thread as if mysteriously floating All the way half the way to me.
Merle, I know that after talking to Jay, You think that there are better things out there for you.
Who says there isn't? Okay.
Take a trip with me to the future.
It's a regular night at the local honky tonk.
Look, who's that man sitting alone in the bar? It's Merle.
A beautiful woman approaches.
She asks, "Is this seat taken?" He says, "No," and then she grabs the chair and goes sits next to a much younger, much handsomer-looking man.
Then Merle turns around to the bartender and say, "Happy Tuesday, huh?" The bartender replies, "Don't you mean 'Merry Christmas'?" You see, Merle? It was Christmas the whole time! Okay, it's show time.
Cue the processional.
Phil, as they say in my native South Carolina, It's time to marry your brother-in-law.
Flower girl, work those petals.
Wedding party walking.
What's that? I'll be right there.
Okay.
Last looks.
- Very handsome.
- Oh.
This is my second favorite suit of yours.
Second? Right after your birthday suit.
Hey.
Cut it out.
I'm practically a married man.
I know.
You know, you scared me earlier with what your dad said.
W-what? Well, just about the fire, you know being a sign we shouldn't get married.
It was kind of apocalyptic-y.
No.
Then the sky turned dark.
Yeah, because of the fire.
Well, and then we had a flood.
You know, Sal sploosh.
I think you're stretching just a little bit.
Because we paid for this room! Mr.
And Mrs.
Lucas, we just need 20 minutes! Cut the boy soprano.
No, we need these people out of here! I can see you want to run again, don't you? Follow your heart.
On your mark, get set, live, baby! You don't need that! You don't see this as another biblical sign? A swarm of "Lucases.
" Slight change, everyone! Don't worry! There's always a plan "C"! Oh! They're everywhere! What is wrong with you people? Leave the box alone! Oh, if that thing is coming in, We need to put a few more people on the lawn.
Oh! Okay, this place is cozy, right? Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's fine.
It's oh, it's going to be fine.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Although we may need to sit some of the overflow guests upstairs.
Oh, we don't we don't own the upstairs.
Really? I always assumed there was a nicer part you weren't showing me.
Make sure their checks have cleared.
Just get another caterer here or these people will be eating butterfly bisque! Okay, I'm trying to remain calm, but you realize that's another sign of the apocalypse, right? Famine? He sounds as bad as Steven, Stefan, and Longines.
Oh, so what you're saying is we have four hoarse men? Stop with the frowning.
Today, you smile for your son.
Tomorrow, you can do whatever you want.
Tomorrow, I might just move out.
Oh, now I feel a smile coming on.
Oh, my god.
You're texting Andy now? I'm just letting him know he can hang out here if he wants.
Haley, I hope you know what you're doing.
I'm not doing anything.
I mean, it's one thing if you're actually into him, but if you're just playing around with him for the fun of it Here's the thing about nice, quiet dorks like Andy.
You get over us much faster than we get over you.
Hi.
Sorry.
So sorry.
Excuse me.
It's my husband.
"They say the best marriages" I don't mean to rush you, but there's like 80 people waiting to get in here.
No, no, no.
I'm so glad you're here.
- I just worked up a new magic trick.
- Oh.
I start by saying, "They say the best marriages contain just a little bit of magic.
" Then in my sleeves, I've rigged two confetti poppers that I found in Lily's closet.
- Hmm.
- So when I raise my arms Really? You're not gonna say, "Don't do that"? No, I mean, I don't think you need the magic trick, but if you do it, I'm sure you'll be great.
Oh, honey.
Oh, god, let me get that.
Honey! No! Honey, no! Hey! Phil! Oh, no! No, no, water's on! Water's on! No! You Just a minute! - Hey, Andy.
- Hey.
Has the wedding started yet? Oh, yeah, lots of times.
- What's up? - Oh, nothing.
Hey, that thing you said before about me deserving better, you just meant, like, in general, right? You weren't thinking of anyone in particular? Yeah, no, I-I just meant you deserve to be happy.
And if it's this girl, great.
If not, great.
Um, sometimes the hardest part is just figuring out what you want.
Yeah, that's what I thought.
Well, enjoy the wedding.
Thanks.
Have a nice trip.
Yeah.
I'll see you.
I'm so glad we did this.
I know.
Who were we kidding? It was so gonna happen.
I can't get enough of this.
No, Mitch is fine.
Still mad at me, though.
You know how touchy he can be, Dede.
Remember when we tried to cheer him up after his first ice-skating competition? How were we supposed to know third place is a good thing? Remember he tromped off across that muddy field in his skates? He sunk like a woolly mammoth.
Hey, Dede, if you're around the 4th of July, you should come by and watch the wedding video.
No, we're out of town in August.
All right.
Well, soon.
Okay.
Oh, Dede, I don't think I have your new Okay, it's magic time, everyone! Phil, please take your place beneath our majestic arch.
Cue the quartet.
Where's the other one? He rode with the caterer who flipped his truck.
Why do good things happen to everyone but me? Let's send the flower girl before she's a flower teenager.
Oh, so sad.
Sorry.
- What is - Yeah.
Like I'm the problem.
Is your Dad here? Yeah, he should be right Oh oh, my god.
He's out on the sidewalk on the phone.
Do you want me to go get him? No, no, I don't.
Let's just come on.
Let's just do this.
Mitchell.
Is this really how you want to get married? Well, it's not ideal.
No, people don't have any rice to throw because they're chewing it raw out of starvation.
Half of our guests are on the lawn and There go the sprinklers.
Okay, let's just call time of death on this.
All right, yeah.
Hey, everybody, um, thank you so much for, uh, for dealing with all this today.
It means a lot to us.
But unfortunately, this is not gon Stop.
You can't do this.
Ye, I'm way ahead of you, Dad, and thank you for stopping by.
What I mean is, you can't get married like this.
You two deserve the kind of wedding you've been talking about nonstop for the last nine months.
What do you mean? You bring it up every chance that you get.
I know what nonstop means! Trust me, okay? Now, what are we all standing around for? My son's getting married today.
Hey.
All right, Jay.
It's what this golf club needs.
Shake it up a little.
Go on, dear.
How often do your fathers get married? So far, one, two Why am I still seeing you? You can take your seat, dad.
We're about to start.
Actually, I thought you and I would take a little walk.
I remember it like it was yesterday The day that Mitchell came home from the hospital in a very unfashionable white diaper with three strands of scraggly raggedy andy hair.
If he's doing it, I'm doing it.
You coming, Barb? You old sweet talker.
Wait for me! We were inseparable.
I was his big sister, his big brother, his nemesis, his protector, his best friend.
I was his first partner.
And I loved every minute of it.
Thank you all for being here on this happy occasion.
They say the best marriages contain just a little bit of magic.
Believe me.
I know.
We're gathered here today to join two amazing people.
So naturally, I was a little picky when it came to who was going to be replacing me.
And then I met this Cam.
And sure, he was warm and funny and loving.
Cameron, do you take Mitchell to be your husband? I do.
Cameron, would you please place this ring on Mitchell's finger? Mitchell, do you take Cameron to be your husband? I do.
Then by the powers vested in me by the state of California, I am privileged to pronounce you spouses for life.
You may now kiss your husband.
I wondered, "Was he really everything I wanted for my brother? "Was he really the best person?" No, I'm the best person.
And now I am very pleased to raise a glass and introduce for the first time ever On our fourth try great husbands, Mitch and Cam.
Yes! I saw that.
What? The way you look at my sister.
You do it all the time, you know.
I do not.
Just not in front of me, okay? So, have you heard from your dads on their honeymoon? You must really miss them, don't you? Sorry.
I was being dramatic.
No, you were right.
You'll hate yourself.
Right again.
It's like they never left.