Roseanne s05e24 Episode Script

[Addams Family theme.]
Yes, slide, man, slide! So, who's winning, Morticia or Gomez? I'm watching the tv to look for job ideas.
So far i've got it narrowed down to weatherman, spokesmodel, Time life operator, psychic friend, And the one I think I got the best shot at: Castaway.
Yeah, so, do you have any non-fictional possibilities? I have an interview today at the community center To be activities director.
Good pay, great hours, and best of all, I get to wear a whistle.
Yeah, but doesn't an activities director Have to be, you know, active? Au contraire.
That's what the assistant activities director is for.
And they said you weren't management material.
Mom! What happened? I don't know.
I went out for a pass, and when I turned around, He had fallen off the curb.
It's really bad.
I can see right through to the bone.
Look how white it is.
No, that's just your skin, D.
J.
You need to wear shorts more often.
It really, really hurts.
Well, we're gonna send your dad out to find That nasty curb that did this to you.
Here, put your leg up here.
Hurry, it's starting to puff up.
Oh, i'll get the ice.
Oh, my god! Are you all right? [squeals.]
My god, it's your tooth.
Cool, can I have it? [theme.]
What? We did it.
We finally did it.
You're not going to, like, high-five me, are you? Sorry, i'm just excited.
It was incredible, wasn't it? Well, I don't have anything to compare it to, But I think we did pretty good.
Did you hear that? What? My parents are home.
Oh, god, this is bad.
Well, look at it this way.
At least you won't die a virgin.
Where are my pants? What did you do with my pants? I ate them in the throes of passion.
I gotta have pants.
The first clue to sex is no pants.
Here, hurry up.
False alarm.
Oh.
That is the last time we do that without our clothes on.
Hey, Darlene, I have a surprise for you.
Already? No.
I went down to our post office box.
Our letters from the art school came.
New york or chicago? Both.
We'll open them together.
New York first.
"dear Miss Conner, thank you for your interest "in the new york college of creative arts.
Unfortunately" Sorry, Darlene.
Why couldn't they just write, "dear loser, drop dead"? "dear loser" Well, New York thinks we suck.
Chicago agrees with New York.
Well, it's official: We're both talentless hacks Who will spend the rest of our lives in Lanford.
Let's party! I'm so depressed.
Me too.
Do you wanna You know, do it again? Just for future reference, You never have to ask that question.
I think that's him.
Who? The health inspector.
Remember? I heard he's coming by today.
That's gotta be him.
Let me handle this.
Hi there.
Look, we could play a lot of games, We could do a little dance, But we're both adults.
And we both know you're the health inspector.
God, what gave it away? This is my first week.
Is it the suit? You're far too upscale.
And you don't look like you eat loose meat too often.
Not with that hard body.
Man, this job has its perks.
Whoo, it's getting a little hot in here.
Maybe I should take off my 50.
You just passed inspection, and so did your restaurant.
No problem.
Hey, Jim, how's the shoe business treating you? Starting to pick up.
So, any of these slobs the health inspector? Apparently not.
Good, I hate these damn hair nets.
I say if I want to get food into my hair, It's my own damn business.
Let me help you with this.
Oh, Dan, would you please go to your job interview.
You're driving me nuts.
Well, I just want to be here for ya.
Look, Dan, we both wish you hadn't slammed a door Into my face causing me major and unbelievable pain, But you've just got to put it behind you like I have.
You get your new tooth? Uh-huh.
Thank god you got that fixed, 'cause I gotta tell ya, That was starting to gross me out.
So you wanna see it? Yeah.
[laughing.]
Why didn't--why didn't you get it fixed? No insurance.
A new tooth would have set us back $1,500.
Well, you go to a dental college, Have a student work on it.
Yeah, but with my luck i'd get somebody Who's there on a football scholarship.
Fine, put a chiclet in there.
I'm just trying to help.
I'd better go.
All right, now remember, Dan, when you meet the boss, Head high, shoulders back, lips on butt.
That's right.
I was doing lips back, butt on shoulders.
Well, well, well.
Roseanne running a restaurant.
What next? Me in the army? Well, Leon, the boss from hell.
You know, the last time I saw you, You were stealing my tips to pay for that hair weave.
Last time I saw you, you were standing there, Leaning on the counter, doing nothing But sucking up the oxygen.
Ooh, deja vu! Well, I see you've finally saved up enough for a part.
Now, wait a minute, something is different here.
Have you lost weight? No.
You've lost teeth! Ha-ha! Bumpkin works for you.
So, what, Leon, are you here looking for a job? 'cause i'm sorry; we have no openings For useless corporate suck-ups.
That's very funny coming from a jack-o-lantern.
But for your information, Roseanne, i'm already employed [clears throat.]
as a health inspector.
You are jerkin' me, right? Oh, how I have missed that special way you have Of side-stepping the english language.
You know, I asked for this assignment specifically, Roseanne.
But at first I was a little worried That my memory of your slovenly habits And your room-temperature iq might bias me, But then I thought, "cool!" [laughing.]
I'll tell you what, Roseanne, i'll give you 10 seconds To run around and sweep up the roach droppings Into neat and manageable piles.
So, Leon, have we ordered yet? No.
Two loose-meats, please.
This is my supervisor, Jeffrey.
So, Leon, what did you have to do to get this job? Just shut up.
What? What? What? Don't say anything.
You never let me say anything.
Am I smothering you again? Oh, my god! What are you ashamed of? We're in love.
JustStop speaking, Jeffrey.
Well, so listen, junior, you scratch my back And I won't tell who's scratching yours.
You got a deal.
So, how'd you lose the tooth, Roseanne? Darndest thing.
Sittin' here this morning, making up the meat, you know, And it just popped out.
It's gotta be in here somewhere.
Jackie, can I talk to you for a sec? Sure.
You know, sooner or later, they all come to jacks.
That's 'cause you're so young and hip.
You get us kids.
Well, I do speak the language of today's youth.
Never mind.
No, come on! Come back.
I wanna help.
Okay.
David and I both applied to the Chicago Art School For next semester.
I sent a bunch of my short stories, And he sent a bunch of his drawings.
You got accepted! What am I missing? David didn't get in.
Oh, god.
How's he taking it? He doesn't know.
Nobody knows.
Nobody.
Wow.
Well, what are you gonna say to her? I was thinking of something like, "mom, Jackie wants to talk to you.
" No, Darlene, no, no, not me.
Please, Jackie, I was gonna run away, But I don't need rozilla leveling Chicago Trying to find me.
Darlene I wouldn't ask this of you If it wasn't a really big deal to me.
All right, i'll do it.
[sighs.]
But when you're a famous writer, I want you to dedicate Your first novel to your incredibly brave aunt Jackie, Whose brutal death made this book possible.
Hey, Jackie, check out my new mouth.
Got your new tooth? Oh, it looks great, Roseanne! Yeah, I figure white goes with everything.
You think it's too white, though? Well, maybe I won't brush it for a couple of days Till it matches the other ones.
We should celebrate; let's eat some solids.
Ooh, whoo! Yeah, she's back! Maybe some nacho-- No, no, no, right for the potato chips there.
All right, drum roll, please.
Yes! Got any pop bottles you need opened? What's in the bag? No, no, no, no.
Well, I was gonna wait till you moved into your own place, But I stopped off on the way and I got you These really cool wine glasses that you wanted.
Oh, Roseanne! Those weren't even on sale.
Yeah, I must have still been real high From all the gas they gave me.
How high are you? 'cause I Sorta got some news.
What? Put down the bag first.
Why? Roseanne.
Why, Jackie? Why do I have to put down the bag? 'cause there's something that I have to tell you Which, although it may not sound like it, is good news.
It's really, really good.
Uh-huh.
But there is a chance that just for a split second You may not find the news good, so please put down the bag.
Darlene got accepted into this really great writing program At an art school in Chicago and she wants to go.
[glass breaking.]
Take a deep breath and count to 10.
I can't count to 10.
My head's gonna explode at six.
Roseanne, try and be reasonable.
No, i'm not gonna be reasonable.
She brought this up to me two months ago And I told her there's no way she's gettin' out of Lanford.
Well, maybe you should reconsider.
Okay, i'll reconsider.
There's no way she's getti'' out of her room.
Oh, great, Roseanne, don't bother To put any thought behind it.
You just go blow up at her in your own special, psychotic way.
Don't tell me what to do.
You can't go screamin' at Darlene! I sure can! If I don't start screaming at her, Then she won't have no idea why she's getting strangled! [glass breaking.]
Darlene, yeah.
I told her and I think it went pretty well.
You might want to get out of the house.
Now! Roseanne, you up here? Did you talk to Darlene? She wasn't here.
Oh, Roseanne.
Jackie, why do all my kids want to leave me so bad? Oh, no.
Don't cry.
I'm a lousy mother, aren't I, Jackie? No.
You're a great mother.
You're loving and protective.
You're like one of those mother lions In the nature films that carries her babies around By the back of the neck.
'cept sometimes you get a little rough, And you rip their heads off.
Darlene can't leave! I don't even got the suitcases back from Becky yet.
But this isn't like Becky.
Darlene's not running away from you.
She's running towards something.
She wants a better future.
I guess so.
[sniffs.]
I know it's rough, But you know there's a lot worse things Than having your kids leave ya.
You suppose this is what mom felt like when we moved out? I don't know.
I'm still living with her.
I guess there are worse things.
Yeah.
Eww! You're grossing me out! Well, you rubbed your nose on me.
Well, don't try to clean me up.
I'm not even done crying.
Look, you raised a great kid.
She's talented and smart and independent.
One who can make it on her own.
Great.
Tell me what I did wrong so I don't do it again.
Is it safe to come in? Safe as ever.
She has agreed to sit down and talk about it, Which means we've already won half the battle.
'course the second half is the real bloody, dangerous part.
Roseanne? Hey.
Hey.
Darlene, would you like to Begin? I know you don't want me to do this, But it was a whole different thing When we were talking about New York.
Chicago's only, like, two hours away.
Yeah, that would be a much quicker trip To identify the body.
Your mother is now using humor to help us through this, And we thank her for that.
I got a scholarship for tuition, And the school says I could live at the dorm And work at the bookstore to pay for meals and books.
See how she's got everything all figured out, Roseanne? And now, Darlene, your mother will consider it.
I'm sorry, but you're too young.
The answer is no.
I think you have a little more considering time Allotted to you.
Jackie, you've been so very helpful here in the kitchen, But, you know, I think you'd be even more useful Standing out in the front yard Staring directly into the sun.
Your mother is no longer using humor.
Now she's just being mean.
Why did I even bother? Beats the hell out of me.
You know, do you ever think about my future? I don't get this.
I thought parents Wanted their kids to be more successful than them.
Well, of course your father and I Want you to do better than us.
Why do you think we spent our whole lives Setting such a low standard? Look, you know, I was really hoping that you Would understand how important this is to me, but to be honest, it doesn't matter.
I don't care what you say.
I'm going to Chicago whether you like it or not.
Well, good, you try going to Chicago, Darlene, And i'll sic the cops on ya.
That is exactly what I would expect from you.
Hey.
Can we talk about this later? No, let's talk about it right now.
What's going on? Oh, don't pretend like you don't know.
Mark takes Becky and then you take Darlene.
You got another healy brother coming over to take my stereo? What's she talking about? I got into chicago.
You lied to me? Perfect.
Hope you have fun.
David.
I'm sorry I lied to you.
So you sleep with me, and now you're leaving? What, were you just using me for practice? Yeah, that's exactly it.
I think i'm ready for the regionals now.
You didn't even tell me.
Well, I wasn't gonna go without you.
Why don't you come with me and reapply for next semester? Oh, great idea, Darlene.
What happens if I go down there and I don't get in again? Well, at least we'll be together.
I'll be meeting a lot of important people.
I'll be able to introduce you to them.
So what happens if I don't go? What are you gonna do? This is like the most important thing that's ever happened to me.
I can't turn it down.
Fine.
You just remember you're leaving behind The guy who encouraged you to go to art school.
You're leaving behind the guy you lost your virginity to.
And you're leaving him behind with Your two huge, angry parents.
[door opens.]
Hey.
Let me see it.
Let me see that beautiful smile.
Oh, you sure got a purty mouth.
How was dental college? Oh, it wasn't so good.
I don't think I got one of the best students.
He actually asked me which one of my teeth was missing.
Well, next time, you can go to a real dentist.
Remember that kooky scheme I had Where i'd go out every day and perform work in exchange for money? I pulled it off.
[gasps.]
I am so proud of you.
My mom always wanted me to marry an activities director.
Show me your whistle.
Later, if you're good.
I didn't get that job.
Got a job with the government.
Cool.
Our government? Supervising guys fixing trucks for the city.
A job with the city? plus flag day? Good pay, medical insurance.
And the best part is, since it's civil service, No matter how much I screw up, they can't fire me.
Attaboy, Dan.
But what about holding out for your dream job? Honey, when I can't afford to keep my wife in teeth, I know it's time to become an adult.
Now, how's it going? Well, actually No, no.
I don't want to hear anything bad on my happy day.
Well, Darlene got accepted into this writing school Over there in Chicago.
But it's my happy day.
And she said she's gonna go no matter what we say.
Doesn't she know it's my happy day? So I told her if she goes, we're gonna sic the cops on her.
Aw, man.
This parenthood thing doesn't look like it did in the brochures.