Roseanne s05e25 Episode Script

I don't know, Roseanne.
This bankbook is like her business.
I just feel dirty invading Darlene's privacy like this.
Jackie, when you're her mother, it is not called invading privacy.
It's just called cleaning.
Whoa, looky here.
Why, I haven't cleaned this lockbox in years.
Do you happen to have a screwdriver on you? You know, it's possible she's given up on the whole writing school idea.
Just 'cause she got a job at the buy-and-bag, doesn't mean she's Saving up money to run away from home.
Roseanne? What, did you find her bankbook? "dear mom, I am leaving home forever.
I do not love you anymore.
Goodbye.
Darlene.
" Oh, she might already be gone.
"P.
S.
I am taking huggy bear and fufu the bunny.
" No, this is from the third grade.
Fufu was killed in a laundry accident eight years ago.
Well, it's more than you found.
I'll put it back.
No no no, I want to put it in the album with all her other ones.
You don't need the letter opener, Roseanne.
The key's taped to the bottom.
Well, I can use it to pry the key off.
Whatever you find in there, don't get mad at Darlene, 'cause you two been snipin' so much at each other lately.
Oh, man, is she in trouble now.
Look at this.
Cigarettes.
Condoms.
And here's her bankbook.
Look at that.
There's even a hair on it So she can tell if somebody tampered with it.
I wonder why she has so much trouble trusting people? It was up to 325 bucks, And she took out Well, that's it, Jackie.
That's her gas and motel money right there.
You okay? Yeah, okay.
Let's just put the room back like we found it.
It'll be all right.
I'm here to help.
You know that.
I know that.
Ow! So, you know, then we moved to Florida And it was kind of hot there, you know, And we had this house.
And then we moved to San Francisco.
You know, it rained a lot.
And we had this house, like, like, on this hill.
So then we moved to, like, um, Detroit? No, it wasn't Detroit.
Let me see, yeah, yeah, no.
Detroit! Let's just say Detroit! Hey! Dad! You got to go home now, George.
My dad gets really mad when I have friends over.
He's very strict! Aren't you, dad? Yes, it's true, son.
You're in for a whoopin'.
Oh, uh, okay, i'll leave now.
And, um, D.
J.
, don't forget to come to my party on Friday, Saturday night, yeah, Saturday, Saturday.
Nice kid.
Why do you hate him? He's new and he's geeky and he's weird looking.
So were you, but your mother made us Bring you home from the hospital anyway.
I can't believe Darlene smokes.
Oh, I think she just stole these from me, You know, back when I was smoking.
Anything else you want me to do? No, just go home and wait for my hysterical phone call.
Roseanne.
Oh, Rosie, there you are.
I've been under darlene's car all day, and I can't find what's wrong with it.
It's missing a squiggly thing.
And this diagnosis is based on The fact that the thing I pulled out of there last night was squiggly.
Oh, god, Roseanne, what's next? You gonna hobble her? She's out of here, Dan.
She withdrew all 300 dollars from her bank account, and she's gone.
You don't know what that money's for.
She could be using it toBuy bullets.
Where have you been? Paris.
Oh, I mean the mall.
Look at what Darlene bought me.
Oh, look, honey.
It's a cd player.
Say, Darlene, what does one of these things go for? Something like that.
Look, honey, our daughter spent all her cash on a cd player.
A present for her boyfriend.
Now, what do you got to say to that, Roseanne? Hey, how do you know how much cash I have? You looked in my bankbook.
Hey, I have every right to look in that bankbook! Your father and I started you a college account When you were born, and I just wanted to see If that $20 was still in there.
It's pretty pathetic that you got nothing better to do Than to snoop around my room.
Hello, David, you're looking well today And is that a new hairdo? Thank you, Mr.
Conner.
I asked him to do it just like yours.
See how easy it is for the men folk to get along? Yeah, you're a real inspiration.
David, come.
I'm gonna go make dinner.
No, look, Roseanne, don't you see what just happened here? She's not going.
She's blowing all her money on teenage crap.
She's not planning for her future at all.
Honey, it's everything we prayed for.
Move.
You're acting like a crazed psychopath.
Huh, well the voices in my head disagree.
If you don't stop coming down on this kid, You're gonna drive her right out of the house.
Now, i'm willing to share the blame on what happened to Becky, But you're flying solo on this one.
Mmm, well, all right.
I guess maybe 'cause i'm so tired I might be willing to admit That there's a slight chance I was wrong.
Thank you, Roseanne.
I know hard it is for you to admit you were tired.
Darlene? I kind of want to apologize to you For the way I been treating you.
You're kidding.
You're apologizing to me? Well, not for your whole life.
Just for the past couple of weeks.
Well, it wasn't all your fault.
I'd like to think that I was pretty mean to you too.
So, I guess we actually approach the end of bitch fest '93.
Oh, what a time we had.
See? Now that you said you're sorry, don't you feel better? No.
Don't feel better at all.
Come on.
Don't you just feel a little bit better? No, I don't feel better at all! Well, you should! Well, i'll tell you what, Dan.
From now on I won't feel anything i'm feeling, okay? I'll just wait for you to tell me what feelings you feel I should be feeling.
Feel this.
Stop, stop.
There's no need for begging.
I'm ready to tell you all about my first day at the garage.
Hey.
Look, I even took pictures.
This is my desk.
This is my pencil cup empty.
Here it is filled with pencils.
And look, a chair.
A job where you get to sit all day.
That's class.
Now, that's class.
Well, they had a special on garbage, what can I say? What, no orange peels? They were on the list.
I was driving around.
The groceries was in the front seat.
You do the math.
You went to buy-and-bag, you saw Darlene, And the two of yous lit the torch for bitch fest '94.
No.
We got along fine.
I just stood there and watched her bag groceries.
Then how do you explain this gutted potato chip bag? Well, I kinda needed that to help me figure out How come i'm being so mean to Darlene lately.
I think i'm screwing up her life.
Well, you have to, honey.
I can't do it by myself.
She's vegetatin' here, Dan.
She hasn't even worked on her comic for two weeks, You know, and that used to be so important to her.
Well, she got tired of doing her comic.
Now she'll do something else.
Two weeks ago she's dreaming of being a writer, you know? Now her big dream is being a cashier at the buy-and-bag.
What are you trying to say? I think we should let her go to that school.
Aw, come on.
No, i'm serious.
We couldn't give Becky a future, right? So Darlene goes out and gets one, And now why are we trying to take it away from her? We ain't trying to take nothin' away from her.
She can wait 'til she's 18 to have a future.
Hell, i'm 40, I just found mine.
Well, that's my whole point, Dan, see? I mean, i'm standing there watching her doing lousy At a crappy job, you know, and being rude to all the customers.
It just reminded me so much of me.
In 10 years, I don't want her to end up where i'm at.
Where? Where are you? No place special.
Stuck in Lanford, Illinois, Kinda wondering about maybe I could have done some stuff.
What kind of stuff? I don't know, like, what if I would have went to college? Or what if I didn't have kids so young? What if you hadn't gotten married? Well, yeah, maybe.
Don't you ever think about that, Dan? No.
I always thought it was the smartest thing I ever did.
You obviously don't agree.
No, I do agree with you.
It was the smartest thing you ever did, but we're talking about me now.
I never told you you had to stay in Lanford.
That was a choice you made.
I am not blaming you, Dan.
I chose this life and I love it.
Except for that no dishwasher thing! But you know, i'm starting to think about some stuff I gave up.
Everybody gives up stuff.
Hell, I gave up a lot of stuff.
Like what? Like being single.
I wanted to write children's books, Dan, remember? Honey, I built you a whole writing room in the basement, But you never used it.
There was nothing stopping you from finishing The adventures of Mancini the elephant or Pee Pee the talkin' mouse.
His name is Pippet, Dan.
And I never had time, what with the bike shop and Becky and bein' broke all the time.
So it's my fault again.
Hey.
Beat it! Mommy's fighting! No, we're not fighting.
Fights over with.
Darlene, come here.
I want you to sit down for a minute.
Dan, we haven't finished talkin' yet.
Roseanne, I don't want 2 women thinking I ruined their lives! I want to do this right.
Darlene.
Your mom and I have been talking, And we're not sure, but maybe we think you ought to go to school.
I do go to school.
It's just sometimes i'm directing A lost freshman to his class and I miss roll call.
You don't want to mess this up, Darlene.
Your dad and I are willing to talk About this Chicago school thing again.
What do you mean, "talk about it"? Uh, talking: it's like yelling only not as loud.
Well, thanks, but I changed my mind.
I'm not going.
Can she do that? [Roseanne.]
hey! You're staying here 'cause of David, aren't you? No.
You know, planning your whole future around some boyfriend Is not really a great idea.
I'm not.
I just decided it wasn't right for me.
Isn't that possible? No.
Look, you didn't want me to go.
I'm not going.
Congratulations, you win.
Staying here against her will is one thing, But stayin' here 'cause she wants to That's sick.
This is a 1967 penny, and this is a 1968, And I don't have a '69, But, uh, here's a '70.
And then if you notice the little letter under the date, This indicates which city the penny was made in.
You see, like d, that's for Denver, And s is for San Francisco.
Here, want to see? We believe you.
I don't have quite as many nickels, but I do have this one.
It's a 1975.
See what I mean? You know, george, we really wish you could stay a lot longer, But D.
J.
and I need to practice our religion now.
Oh, uh, okay.
I'll go now.
And D.
J.
, don't forget to come to my party on Friday night.
See you.
I'm not going.
Ah, come on, Deej, you're missin' a great opportunity.
Odds are you'll be the most interesting person there.
Okay, i'll go.
All right, atta boy.
Now go wrap up one of your toys as a present.
Oh, hey, there you are.
I want to talk to you for a sec.
Sure, what's up? Well, now, we know that you and Darlene are, You know, in love with each other and everything, But lately me and Mr.
Conner have been really concerned About what's going on between the two of you.
Really? You are? Relax, David, i'm not talking about sex.
I know, come on.
Lucky for you i'm still in denial about that.
Thank you.
Me and Mr.
Conner, uh, we want Darlene to go to that art school.
You're kidding.
You just changed your minds? Yeah.
And, uh, you know, she's acting like she doesn't want to go, Although I know that she really does want to go And I think that she's doin' that because she wants to stay here with you.
Yeah.
So I was thinking that maybe you and I could get together And figure out some way to make her go.
But I don't want her to go.
Well, nobody wants her to go, David.
I mean, except for maybe D.
J.
and the school board, But we all know that she should go.
Well, I don't think she should go.
We're happy here.
We're a couple.
Yeah, but you know what they say, David.
They say, uh, when you really love something You should, you know, make it go away Or get rid of it or whatever.
I'm sorry, Mrs.
Conner, but Darlene and I have already talked about this, And I told her if she goes to Chicago i'm breaking up with her.
You what? Wait a minute.
What are you doing? I'm gonna go up there and makes sure she does what's right For Darlene, David, and not for you.
You can't tell Darlene what to do.
She's a big girl.
Compared to who? [Roseanne.]
David, go back downstairs.
[David.]
why are you trying to break us up? David, right now, the only thing I want to see Is the back of your head getting smaller and smaller and smaller.
There are several ways we can accomplish this.
Oh, that's so sweet.
You two are having your first fight, And you rushed all the way up here to show me.
You know, I just don't get it, Darlene.
Doing things 'cause a guy says so, huh? Who raised you? She's doing what she wants to do.
Why can't you just stay out of this? David, I would hate to embarrass you in front of your girlfriend By throwing you out of here physically.
Ah, what the hell.
[David.]
thanks for not embarrassing me.
Mom, this is not a big deal.
David and I are just gonna apply again next year.
Well, what if you apply every year and he never gets in? Why can't you just drop this? 'cause it's too weird.
Ever since you could talk you've been whining About getting out of Lanford and what, Now you got a boyfriend, so you're gonna go change your mind? I thought you wanted something better than this.
Better than what? Better than this! Better than this room.
Better than this whole house! Better than this pillow.
Better than this quilt, okay? Better than this trash can.
Mom, cut it out! I mean, what if I go there and everybody else is, like, way brilliant And I find out I suck, then what happens? So, you mean this whole thing is not even about David? So, you got to tell me, Darlene, Which of the motherly speeches am I supposed to be giving here 'cause i'm totally off track.
Well, we're through talking.
Yeah, we are.
What are you doing? I figure if I wash them all in hot water I can fit 'em in one suitcase.
Mom, why can't I just live at home like a normal kid? Because as I have told you for your entire life, Darlene, You are not normal.
Okay, you dress funny, you're weird, You're too smart for your own damn good.
Let's face it, Darlene, you're special, And I think you could be something great.
Well, I tried to leave last week.
I packed my bags, I got in my car.
I couldn't do it.
You cannot be afraid of failure, okay? So what, you get there, you find out you suck.
Great! You're gonna be the first conner to suck in college.
Then you can come back home.
We ain't goin' nowhere.
Never have for 20 years.
Yeah, but it was different when David was going.
I just don't think I can do it by myself.
Listen to me, little girl.
I'm gonna tell you somethin'.
Sometimes life just gives you one chance, And if you do not grab it-- When? When were you in the car? I been watching you like a hawk.
Well, hawks don't generally pass out on the couch After eating a quart of ice cream.
[sighs.]
Well, let me put it to you this way.
You got to go.
'cause I want you to go.
Because if you don't go, you're gonna regret it.
Maybe not now, okay, but soon, And then for the rest of your life.
I love you, Darlene, and I want you to get the hell out of here.
I can't believe you're letting me go.
I can't either.
[sighs.]
So, now you gotta go down there and talk to David.
Unless of course you want me to.
I'm going.
da-da da da da da da da-da da-da da You made this? [laughing.]
yeah, I added the water myself.
Puddin' was in the mix.
What's the occasion? Well, I just didn't want you to feel bad thinking Like I regret us getting married or somethin'.
I don't.
I know i've made you very happy.
So, you don't feel bad about one little thing that I had to give up for you? No.
Why the hell not? I don't know, I just don't.
Well, all the more cake for me, I guess.
I'm home! Hey, Deej, come here and tell us all about the party.
Thanks for making me go.
It was great.
Yeah, come here and sit down And tell us about all the games And fun things you guys did.
I touched a boob.
Say what? We played this game.
Seven minutes in heaven.
And I had to go in the closet with Sheila Frye, And we just stood there doing nothing for like six minutes.
What happened in that last minute, son? I told you.
I touched a boob.
She's my girlfriend now.
She's coming over for dinner tomorrow night.
She likes corn.
Whoo doggy! Gonna have to have a long talk with that boy.