The King of Queens s05e25 Episode Script
Bed Spread
Douglas, I'm mailing some pictures to my cousin.
Do you think this needs one stamp or 2? I don't know.
2? What? This seems well within the one-ounce limit.
All right.
Then why'd you ask me? I wanted an expert opinion, but no, you had to toe the company line.
You delivery people got your foot on our throats, and you won't step off! I'm just trying to eat my lunch here.
Would you forget about food for just one second? OK.
That's what my sandwich was missing: a finger with a loose Band-Aid.
Damn it, these are Oktoberfest pictures! They have to get to my cousin before June 1! So then put 2 stamps on them! Put 10 on them! What do you care?! It's not like you're paying for them! How dare you? Oh! Oh, yeah!? Hey, guys.
Yeah? Well, how about this, huh? There! My eyes are gettin' weary My back is gettin' tight I'm sittin' here in traffic On the Queensboro Bridge tonight But I don't care, 'cause all I wanna do Is cash my check and drive right home to you 'Cause, baby, all my life I will be drivin' home to you Doug? What happened? The bed broke.
Really? You sure? Well, let's work backwards.
Do I normally sleep with my head in the closet? All right.
Come on, honey.
Let's check out the damage here.
My God, look at this.
The mattress is ripped, and the frame totally caved in.
The bed's not even that old.
How do you think this happened? Eyes off me.
Are you trying to break your hip, or No, just thought I'd spruce up the sunless dungeon where fate has dropped me.
All right.
Which picture do you think would look better here? A shar-pei puppy, or a photo of Elvis Presley shaking hands with Richard Nixon? Well, it's your call, Dad.
Anything's an improvement over that mounted rabbit.
Hello, world! You know, I'm going to miss our old bed.
Lot of good memories in that bed, you know what I'm saying? Huh? Huh? You know what I'm saying? Huh? Yeah, sex.
Got it.
I got to be honest with you though, hon.
I'm not going to miss it that much.
I really didn't sleep that well on it.
Really? Yeah.
And you kind of thrash around when you sleep, and it would come at me like a wave, you know? Couldn't help overhearing you.
I'd like to show you something.
Ma'am, lie down.
Oh, OK.
Sir, shoes off, hop up, start jumping.
You do work here, right? - Come on.
Up, up, up.
- OK.
All right.
Huh? It's called independent coil suspension.
Invented by the Danish.
That's why he's jumping, and you're feeling nothing.
Right? Um does fear count as something? I'm done.
So what do you think? It's actually pretty great.
How much is it? $1,200.
Whoa.
You have anything cheaper? Anything that had to be marked down? Any beds that people got murdered on? Well, this one is under a thousand.
It's the same as that one, just without all the Danish crap.
Mmm.
Kind of like that one.
For what it's worth, I just sold that bed to Derek Jeter.
Oh, let's get it.
OK, you do realize Derek Jeter won't be in the bed with you.
Come on, Doug.
I really liked it, and I feel like I can really get a good night's sleep on this.
All right, we'll take it.
Great.
We're out of stock on this one right now.
I'll have to order it, but it shouldn't take long.
Let me get the forms.
Where we going to sleep until then? Should we see what Jeter's doing with his old bed? Arthur.
Walk time.
Come down here.
Can't you just come up? I've got 2 other dogs in the car-- I've got 2 dogs in the car.
Just come down and prepare to be delighted.
Close your eyes.
Fine--ow! Mind the nail there.
Now, before you open them up what has this basement always been missing? A dustpan? No.
Fly strip? No.
Can't you just tell me? A window! Look! It's facing north, so I don't get any direct light, but at least now I can tell whether it's day or night.
Well, that is a step forward for you, Arthur.
Now can we get going? Nonsense.
We have a beautiful sunroom here.
It's the perfect place to relax and watch the world go by.
I've got 2 dogs up in the car.
Would you forget about your precious career for one second? Come on! Watch the world go by.
Do it.
Fine.
Hey, Ellen, what brings you on this side of the street? Who's that? Oh, that's our neighbor Lou Ferrigno.
Oh, I'm watching Mrs.
Nesbitt's house while she visits her mother.
Right.
She's not visiting her mother.
I heard she's heading into rehab.
Poor thing.
Ohh.
How's her husband taking it? I don't think it's bothering him that much.
He's sleeping with his secretary.
No wonder Nesbitt's always coming home with that stupid look on his face.
This is incredible, isn't it, Holly? Holly? Well, this worked out pretty well, huh? Deacon was getting rid of his kids' beds, and we needed somewhere to sleep.
It's like fate, if fate were you know, kind of boring.
All right.
Let's do it.
All right.
We are back in business.
Oh--Doug OK, we're on casters here, that's why.
You just got to pull and there you go.
Oh! Oh, my God! I'm sorry, honey.
I'm sorry.
What did I land on? Boys in the hood.
This is ridiculous.
Let's just keep the beds apart for tonight, and we'll figure something else out for tomorrow, OK? Doug, are you crying? A little.
What I want to know, if he's really the gardener, why is he spending so much time inside Mrs.
Maynard's house? This guy's got the goods on everybody in the neighborhood.
Did you know Mrs.
Maynard was canoodling with the gardener? Who? Mrs.
Maynard from across the street, with the invisible braces and the jailbird nephew.
I thought we were going to play dominoes.
Sorry, Mickey, but this stuff is just too juicy to pass up.
Ferrigno's gossip has cast a spell over me.
Marlene told you she had a deviated septum? Sounds like an old-fashioned nose job to me.
I knew Marlene didn't have a deviated septum! I'm leaving.
Do me a favor.
Go out the back door.
I don't want that maniac thinking we're a couple.
Hey.
I found this in the garage.
We can use it to tie the beds together.
And--ahem-- with the extra, if I happen to find myself alone with the angry headmistress Yeah, that sounds great.
Um about the beds.
Yeah? Just tossing out ideas here Um, I was just thinking maybe while we have them, maybe we could just keep the beds apart.
Huh? Yeah--I mean--I really-- I had a great night's sleep last night, and I sailed through the day at work.
So I was just thinking, you know But we're married.
Aren't married people supposed to Yes.
Yes, of course, and we will sleep together again once we get our new bed.
But I was just thinking this might be a little fun, you know? Come on.
You have your own bed.
You can do whatever you want.
Watch TV, clip your toenails, fire up the hibachi.
Really? I mean, I can do anything I want over here? Absolutely.
Could I, uh shamalamama? Ain't my bed, ain't my business.
Huh! And if you want some company for a change of pace, you can just come over to my place, or I can go over to your place, badda-bing, badda-boom, then it's just back to our own beds.
You don't even have to phone in the cuddling.
I'm falling in love with you all over again.
So it's a deal then, right? It's a deal.
Good night.
Good night.
Hey.
Want to get a little busy right now? Bring it, butch.
This is great.
I feel like it's lights-out at the orphanage, and you're the new girl.
Uhh! Pleasure doing business with you.
So what are we seeing again? The Pianist.
The Pianist? That couldn't sound longer.
It's supposed to be really good.
And I just read that it got the Palme d'Or at Cannes.
You know what else it gets? The palm to mouth in Queens.
Pffftttt.
Look, can't we just see Silver Squad? Didn't you already see it? Yes, and it was hilarious.
Carrie, they're moon police.
Oh, there's this one scene where Professor Beauchamp accidentally drinks laxative instead of gravity medicine, then he gets locked in the hyper-space chamber, and You know, I'm not doing it justice.
Come on, Doug, let's make a decision.
We're next.
Crazy thought What? I was thinking, you know, since the separate beds thing is working out so well, maybe we could just, uh Interesting.
It's just sitting in the dark, right? Yeah, and let's face it: I'm not going to put my arm around you.
That fell out around '97.
All right.
I'll see you in 2 hours.
You got it! And all we have to see Is that I don't belong to you And you don't belong to me Yeah, yeah Freedom I won't let you down Freedom I will not give you up Freedom You got to give for what you take Freedom I won't let you down Freedom So please don't give me up Freedom You got to give for what you take What you take Rob? Hmm? I can't sleep.
Can you? No.
You want to watch some TV? How you doing, baby? Great.
What you got going on? Ah, just reading my magazine.
There's a whole article in here about San Francisco.
Any interest in taking our next vacation there? Mmm.
I was thinking more Canton, Ohio.
Football Hall of Fame.
Hmm.
Maybe we could just For vacation? Why not? Oh, my God.
This works for anything.
Let the machine get it.
Hey, you've reached the Heffernans.
Leave a message.
Hey, this is Henry from the bed store.
Good news.
Your bed came in early.
Just call us with your credit card info, and we could have it there tomorrow.
I guess our bed's in.
Yeah.
I should probably call him back.
Yeahhhh.
I don't want this to end, Carrie.
Neither do I! So what do we do? All right.
Let's just think this through.
So we're sleeping in separate beds.
Does that necessarily mean that there's something wrong with our relationship? I don't think so.
We're still having sex.
A little bit.
That one time, anyway.
Hey, we were no record-breakers before.
Thank you! I mean now that I have my own space-- I mean, I more rested, I'm more relaxed.
I mean, even the way we say good night-- I was just going to say I love the way we say good night.
Yeah! It's so classy and respectful.
It's like we're British, but in a good way.
So, it sounds like we're doing OK here then, right? Sure! Look, we're a very happy couple that just happens to sleep in separate beds.
That's not weird.
Yeah! in the same bed, now that's weird.
That's disgusting.
We're--we're trailblazers.
We do the things together that we enjoy doing together, and if that doesn't include eating, sleeping, and recreation, then so be it! Hey, Arthur.
Louis.
How you doing? I'm, uh, fine.
I live a very normal life! You think I could use Carrie's fax machine? Go right ahead.
It's upstairs.
Thanks.
Oh, I'm having a barbecue tomorrow.
You could bring your friend Mickey if you want.
We are domino partners and nothing more! What? I believe you have a fax to send.
Oh, my God.
Oh, yeah.
Lou's barbecue is tonight.
Let's not get sucked in.
We have things to do.
Hey, guys.
Hey, Lou.
Hey, what are you grilling up? Some power bars? No, just chicken.
You want some? Oh, no, no, no.
Actually, we're, uh, we're going out to eat.
I mean, I'm going to eat.
She's--she's going to catch a movie.
Oh, boy.
It's none of my business, but Dustin and I went through this a few years ago.
If you ever need to talk Talk about what? Your sleeping arrangements.
How do you know about that? We heard.
And we're here for you.
Look, there are no problems here, OK? We happen to be very happy.
You don't have to defend yourselves to them.
Dad? I'm down here.
How dare you hypocrites judge these young kids.
So they lead completely separate lives.
So they sleep like young boys at summer camp.
It's none of your business.
You're all nothing but a bunch of dirty gossips, led by your queen mother Lou Ferrigno.
You have no right to ask me how I feel You have no right to speak to me so kind I can't go on Just holding on to times Now that we're living Living separate lives You're still awake? Yeah.
You? Well, I just asked you, so, yeah.
I never asked you.
How was your movie tonight? Oh, it was great.
You would have hated it.
You would have been making your stupid jokes and adding your sound effects to the quiet moments.
You would have totally annoyed me.
But you know, hon, I I missed you there.
You know I felt the same way when I went to Eddie's U-Fry.
You went back there? Yeah.
I'm on their frequent-fryer program.
The point is, it was-- it was ladies night, and there were all these couples, and romance was in the air, and I was just sitting there alone.
I looked down at my basket of deep-fried pound cake, and I thought, "Man, something's missing.
" Some kind of syrup? No, you.
This is nice.
Yeah.
Hey crazy idea.
Would you be interested in taking our vacation together? You know, I'd I'd like that.
We're going to the Football Hall of Fame! There we go.
Perfect.
What did you do with the twin beds? Great sleepover, Artie.
Oh, my God.
Do you think this needs one stamp or 2? I don't know.
2? What? This seems well within the one-ounce limit.
All right.
Then why'd you ask me? I wanted an expert opinion, but no, you had to toe the company line.
You delivery people got your foot on our throats, and you won't step off! I'm just trying to eat my lunch here.
Would you forget about food for just one second? OK.
That's what my sandwich was missing: a finger with a loose Band-Aid.
Damn it, these are Oktoberfest pictures! They have to get to my cousin before June 1! So then put 2 stamps on them! Put 10 on them! What do you care?! It's not like you're paying for them! How dare you? Oh! Oh, yeah!? Hey, guys.
Yeah? Well, how about this, huh? There! My eyes are gettin' weary My back is gettin' tight I'm sittin' here in traffic On the Queensboro Bridge tonight But I don't care, 'cause all I wanna do Is cash my check and drive right home to you 'Cause, baby, all my life I will be drivin' home to you Doug? What happened? The bed broke.
Really? You sure? Well, let's work backwards.
Do I normally sleep with my head in the closet? All right.
Come on, honey.
Let's check out the damage here.
My God, look at this.
The mattress is ripped, and the frame totally caved in.
The bed's not even that old.
How do you think this happened? Eyes off me.
Are you trying to break your hip, or No, just thought I'd spruce up the sunless dungeon where fate has dropped me.
All right.
Which picture do you think would look better here? A shar-pei puppy, or a photo of Elvis Presley shaking hands with Richard Nixon? Well, it's your call, Dad.
Anything's an improvement over that mounted rabbit.
Hello, world! You know, I'm going to miss our old bed.
Lot of good memories in that bed, you know what I'm saying? Huh? Huh? You know what I'm saying? Huh? Yeah, sex.
Got it.
I got to be honest with you though, hon.
I'm not going to miss it that much.
I really didn't sleep that well on it.
Really? Yeah.
And you kind of thrash around when you sleep, and it would come at me like a wave, you know? Couldn't help overhearing you.
I'd like to show you something.
Ma'am, lie down.
Oh, OK.
Sir, shoes off, hop up, start jumping.
You do work here, right? - Come on.
Up, up, up.
- OK.
All right.
Huh? It's called independent coil suspension.
Invented by the Danish.
That's why he's jumping, and you're feeling nothing.
Right? Um does fear count as something? I'm done.
So what do you think? It's actually pretty great.
How much is it? $1,200.
Whoa.
You have anything cheaper? Anything that had to be marked down? Any beds that people got murdered on? Well, this one is under a thousand.
It's the same as that one, just without all the Danish crap.
Mmm.
Kind of like that one.
For what it's worth, I just sold that bed to Derek Jeter.
Oh, let's get it.
OK, you do realize Derek Jeter won't be in the bed with you.
Come on, Doug.
I really liked it, and I feel like I can really get a good night's sleep on this.
All right, we'll take it.
Great.
We're out of stock on this one right now.
I'll have to order it, but it shouldn't take long.
Let me get the forms.
Where we going to sleep until then? Should we see what Jeter's doing with his old bed? Arthur.
Walk time.
Come down here.
Can't you just come up? I've got 2 other dogs in the car-- I've got 2 dogs in the car.
Just come down and prepare to be delighted.
Close your eyes.
Fine--ow! Mind the nail there.
Now, before you open them up what has this basement always been missing? A dustpan? No.
Fly strip? No.
Can't you just tell me? A window! Look! It's facing north, so I don't get any direct light, but at least now I can tell whether it's day or night.
Well, that is a step forward for you, Arthur.
Now can we get going? Nonsense.
We have a beautiful sunroom here.
It's the perfect place to relax and watch the world go by.
I've got 2 dogs up in the car.
Would you forget about your precious career for one second? Come on! Watch the world go by.
Do it.
Fine.
Hey, Ellen, what brings you on this side of the street? Who's that? Oh, that's our neighbor Lou Ferrigno.
Oh, I'm watching Mrs.
Nesbitt's house while she visits her mother.
Right.
She's not visiting her mother.
I heard she's heading into rehab.
Poor thing.
Ohh.
How's her husband taking it? I don't think it's bothering him that much.
He's sleeping with his secretary.
No wonder Nesbitt's always coming home with that stupid look on his face.
This is incredible, isn't it, Holly? Holly? Well, this worked out pretty well, huh? Deacon was getting rid of his kids' beds, and we needed somewhere to sleep.
It's like fate, if fate were you know, kind of boring.
All right.
Let's do it.
All right.
We are back in business.
Oh--Doug OK, we're on casters here, that's why.
You just got to pull and there you go.
Oh! Oh, my God! I'm sorry, honey.
I'm sorry.
What did I land on? Boys in the hood.
This is ridiculous.
Let's just keep the beds apart for tonight, and we'll figure something else out for tomorrow, OK? Doug, are you crying? A little.
What I want to know, if he's really the gardener, why is he spending so much time inside Mrs.
Maynard's house? This guy's got the goods on everybody in the neighborhood.
Did you know Mrs.
Maynard was canoodling with the gardener? Who? Mrs.
Maynard from across the street, with the invisible braces and the jailbird nephew.
I thought we were going to play dominoes.
Sorry, Mickey, but this stuff is just too juicy to pass up.
Ferrigno's gossip has cast a spell over me.
Marlene told you she had a deviated septum? Sounds like an old-fashioned nose job to me.
I knew Marlene didn't have a deviated septum! I'm leaving.
Do me a favor.
Go out the back door.
I don't want that maniac thinking we're a couple.
Hey.
I found this in the garage.
We can use it to tie the beds together.
And--ahem-- with the extra, if I happen to find myself alone with the angry headmistress Yeah, that sounds great.
Um about the beds.
Yeah? Just tossing out ideas here Um, I was just thinking maybe while we have them, maybe we could just keep the beds apart.
Huh? Yeah--I mean--I really-- I had a great night's sleep last night, and I sailed through the day at work.
So I was just thinking, you know But we're married.
Aren't married people supposed to Yes.
Yes, of course, and we will sleep together again once we get our new bed.
But I was just thinking this might be a little fun, you know? Come on.
You have your own bed.
You can do whatever you want.
Watch TV, clip your toenails, fire up the hibachi.
Really? I mean, I can do anything I want over here? Absolutely.
Could I, uh shamalamama? Ain't my bed, ain't my business.
Huh! And if you want some company for a change of pace, you can just come over to my place, or I can go over to your place, badda-bing, badda-boom, then it's just back to our own beds.
You don't even have to phone in the cuddling.
I'm falling in love with you all over again.
So it's a deal then, right? It's a deal.
Good night.
Good night.
Hey.
Want to get a little busy right now? Bring it, butch.
This is great.
I feel like it's lights-out at the orphanage, and you're the new girl.
Uhh! Pleasure doing business with you.
So what are we seeing again? The Pianist.
The Pianist? That couldn't sound longer.
It's supposed to be really good.
And I just read that it got the Palme d'Or at Cannes.
You know what else it gets? The palm to mouth in Queens.
Pffftttt.
Look, can't we just see Silver Squad? Didn't you already see it? Yes, and it was hilarious.
Carrie, they're moon police.
Oh, there's this one scene where Professor Beauchamp accidentally drinks laxative instead of gravity medicine, then he gets locked in the hyper-space chamber, and You know, I'm not doing it justice.
Come on, Doug, let's make a decision.
We're next.
Crazy thought What? I was thinking, you know, since the separate beds thing is working out so well, maybe we could just, uh Interesting.
It's just sitting in the dark, right? Yeah, and let's face it: I'm not going to put my arm around you.
That fell out around '97.
All right.
I'll see you in 2 hours.
You got it! And all we have to see Is that I don't belong to you And you don't belong to me Yeah, yeah Freedom I won't let you down Freedom I will not give you up Freedom You got to give for what you take Freedom I won't let you down Freedom So please don't give me up Freedom You got to give for what you take What you take Rob? Hmm? I can't sleep.
Can you? No.
You want to watch some TV? How you doing, baby? Great.
What you got going on? Ah, just reading my magazine.
There's a whole article in here about San Francisco.
Any interest in taking our next vacation there? Mmm.
I was thinking more Canton, Ohio.
Football Hall of Fame.
Hmm.
Maybe we could just For vacation? Why not? Oh, my God.
This works for anything.
Let the machine get it.
Hey, you've reached the Heffernans.
Leave a message.
Hey, this is Henry from the bed store.
Good news.
Your bed came in early.
Just call us with your credit card info, and we could have it there tomorrow.
I guess our bed's in.
Yeah.
I should probably call him back.
Yeahhhh.
I don't want this to end, Carrie.
Neither do I! So what do we do? All right.
Let's just think this through.
So we're sleeping in separate beds.
Does that necessarily mean that there's something wrong with our relationship? I don't think so.
We're still having sex.
A little bit.
That one time, anyway.
Hey, we were no record-breakers before.
Thank you! I mean now that I have my own space-- I mean, I more rested, I'm more relaxed.
I mean, even the way we say good night-- I was just going to say I love the way we say good night.
Yeah! It's so classy and respectful.
It's like we're British, but in a good way.
So, it sounds like we're doing OK here then, right? Sure! Look, we're a very happy couple that just happens to sleep in separate beds.
That's not weird.
Yeah! in the same bed, now that's weird.
That's disgusting.
We're--we're trailblazers.
We do the things together that we enjoy doing together, and if that doesn't include eating, sleeping, and recreation, then so be it! Hey, Arthur.
Louis.
How you doing? I'm, uh, fine.
I live a very normal life! You think I could use Carrie's fax machine? Go right ahead.
It's upstairs.
Thanks.
Oh, I'm having a barbecue tomorrow.
You could bring your friend Mickey if you want.
We are domino partners and nothing more! What? I believe you have a fax to send.
Oh, my God.
Oh, yeah.
Lou's barbecue is tonight.
Let's not get sucked in.
We have things to do.
Hey, guys.
Hey, Lou.
Hey, what are you grilling up? Some power bars? No, just chicken.
You want some? Oh, no, no, no.
Actually, we're, uh, we're going out to eat.
I mean, I'm going to eat.
She's--she's going to catch a movie.
Oh, boy.
It's none of my business, but Dustin and I went through this a few years ago.
If you ever need to talk Talk about what? Your sleeping arrangements.
How do you know about that? We heard.
And we're here for you.
Look, there are no problems here, OK? We happen to be very happy.
You don't have to defend yourselves to them.
Dad? I'm down here.
How dare you hypocrites judge these young kids.
So they lead completely separate lives.
So they sleep like young boys at summer camp.
It's none of your business.
You're all nothing but a bunch of dirty gossips, led by your queen mother Lou Ferrigno.
You have no right to ask me how I feel You have no right to speak to me so kind I can't go on Just holding on to times Now that we're living Living separate lives You're still awake? Yeah.
You? Well, I just asked you, so, yeah.
I never asked you.
How was your movie tonight? Oh, it was great.
You would have hated it.
You would have been making your stupid jokes and adding your sound effects to the quiet moments.
You would have totally annoyed me.
But you know, hon, I I missed you there.
You know I felt the same way when I went to Eddie's U-Fry.
You went back there? Yeah.
I'm on their frequent-fryer program.
The point is, it was-- it was ladies night, and there were all these couples, and romance was in the air, and I was just sitting there alone.
I looked down at my basket of deep-fried pound cake, and I thought, "Man, something's missing.
" Some kind of syrup? No, you.
This is nice.
Yeah.
Hey crazy idea.
Would you be interested in taking our vacation together? You know, I'd I'd like that.
We're going to the Football Hall of Fame! There we go.
Perfect.
What did you do with the twin beds? Great sleepover, Artie.
Oh, my God.