Home Improvement s05e26 Episode Script

- Good show, Al.
- Thank you.
Tim, do you want the big ice pack or the small ice pack today? I'll take the small one.
It's just my head.
- So, guys, enjoy your next two weeks off.
- You doing something special? Only taking my dream vacation - island-hopping in the Caribbean.
How about you? "Only taking my dream vacation " Me and the hot rod in the garage.
How about you, Al? Got anything planned? Aw, just going up to my cabin, all by myself, thinking about how the best years of my life have slipped away.
Well, have fun.
You hate seeing me like this, don't you? Yes, I do.
That's why I'm leaving.
All right.
I know you won't be able to rest until you know what's bothering me.
I'm depressed because I have that big birthday coming up.
You know, the big three-seven.
"The big three-seven"? Generally, the big birthdays would be the big three-O, the big four-O.
I've just always marched to the beat of a different drummer.
Maybe it's time you marched to the couch of a psychiatrist.
It's just I thought when I reached this age, I'd be successful! - You are successful.
- No, I'm not.
I'm a 37-year-old bachelor who's a career second banana.
I don't have any creativity.
I have very little pizzazz.
You have absolutely no pizzazz.
But you can be creative.
Name one creative thing I ever did on Tool Time - Umm well, "Gadget Corner.
" - That was your idea.
No.
I just took credit for it.
Wait a minute.
What about that Tool Time game you designed? - That was mine.
You liked that? - No.
I thought it was stupid.
- But everybody else liked it.
- Yeah! Everybody else loved my Tool Time board game.
- You feeling better now? - Yes, I am.
Because even if you aren't, I'm still leaving.
Thanks.
Hold the exhaust pipe up.
- OK.
- Look out! It's hot! All right.
You got it? OK.
How does it feel to work on your first hot rod? - Dad, I worked on the last one.
- You did? What did you do? Tightened the radiator hose.
I remember the radiator hose, but I don't remember you.
- Thanks a lot, Dad.
- Don't take it personally.
When a man works on a hot rod, he tunes out all that doesn't have a motor in it.
Oh, yeah.
I got it.
Do me a big favor.
Go out in the Mustang, and get in the back seat.
- There's a big box of wires, all right? - OK.
Tim, did you tell Al that he was creative? Yeah.
I had to.
Otherwise I'd still be at Tool Time listening to him whining.
"I'm such a loser.
I have no life left.
Even my beard doesn't fit my face anymore.
" According to llene, what you said made Al decide to market his Tool Time game.
- He's invested his entire life savings.
- He did? That's crazy.
He ordered 500 games and made a commercial.
- You gotta go talk some sense into him.
- I can't.
I'm hanging the exhaust system.
Look, Tim, Al could be on the brink of financial disaster.
- You gotta do something.
- I'll give him a call.
- Calling's not good enough.
Go over there.
- All right.
I'll go over there.
When I get back, he'll be just as depressed and boring as usual.
Well, I guess you're wondering why I'm having all these extra lines put in.
Nope.
- You ever watch Tool Time? - Nope.
- You like board games? - Nope.
- Hey, Al.
- Hey, Tim.
- Hey, I know you! - You like Tool Time.
huh? Nope.
My wife's head nurse on the emergency ward.
- It's Marge.
You must be Bob.
- Yeah.
I've heard a lot about you.
Say, did you ever get over that little gambling problem? Oh, you bet! Anyway well, you're all set.
All three lines are working.
OK.
When you see Marge, tell her I'll see her soon.
Hey, I'd put money on it! Al, what's going on? Jill told me you put your life savings into this board game? Yes, I did! I told you about that when I came over.
- You came over? - Yeah.
You were putting in the drive shaft.
I remember the drive shaft, but I don't remember you.
I even have my brother Cal helping me fill orders.
This is gonna be big! I can feel it! For the first time in my life I have confidence in my financial future.
So confident I'm gonna propose to llene.
- Propose? - Saturday night.
- Wow! That's a big step.
- Yes, it is and I'm ready to take it.
Now, don't tell her.
I want this to be a big surprise.
- You haven't sold one game yet.
- That's what they said to Milton Bradley.
That's what they said to the Parker Brothers.
And don't forget the Parcheesi sisters.
Tim, this is a great game.
And I want you to have the first one.
Thank you, Al.
Boy, it's heavy! Yeah.
Tool Man looks pretty good on the box, too, huh? Look, look! My commercial's on! Look for me and my friends on the cover of the box So.
act now because these games will go like hot cakes We'll ship your order out within three business days or double your money back.
You have Al Borland's personal guarantee.
So, now you can do more than just watch us on TV.
You can play with us at home! Call now.
Operators are standing by.
So? What did you think of my commercial? It looks like it cost six cents.
Hm-hm-hm-hm-hm.
This is the operator.
I'm standing by.
Uh, could you please hold? Oh, this is great! Oh, I owe it all to you, my best friend.
- You made me believe in me! - Oh, no, no, no.
No hugs.
Al says he can't marry me until he's financially secure.
Then he invests every penny he has in that game.
What does that say to you? It says I'm gonna have the cleanest pots and pans on the block.
llene, it's not uncommon for people to set up barriers to avoid commitment.
But what am I supposed to do? Wait around forever? I'm about to turn the big three-four.
Look, as much as you love Al, as much as I care about him, I have to say you have to think about what your needs are.
And if Al can't fulfill them, then maybe it's time for you to move on.
I don't know.
I really thought we were on the right track.
Do you have any more steel wool? - Uh, yeah.
It's in the garage.
- I'll get it.
I'll tell you this, Jill.
If I hear another word about that stupid game, I will go crazy.
Hey, llene.
Look what Al gave me.
I can't take it anymore! She's upset because she thinks she'll have to wait forever for Al to propose.
She may only have to wait till Saturday.
Get out of town! What made him suddenly decide to ask her? The game might take off.
He thinks he'll be the new Milton Monopoly.
- She's gonna be so happy.
- Let Al tell her, all right? I would never tell her.
- I need a little help on the hot rod.
- Mark's home.
Oh, good.
Going over to Al's put me off schedule by about an hour.
- Well - Mark! Jill, maybe you're right.
Maybe it is time for me to break it off with Al.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no! - Completely the wrong time.
- But you just said? Forget what I said.
I say a lot of things.
I don't mean any of 'em.
- You don't mean what you're saying? - No.
This is the only thing I've ever meant.
- Did Tim tell you something? - No.
I know nothing.
Nothing! And even if I did know something, I wouldn't be allowed to tell you.
But I could guess? And you could nod? Is what you don't know a good thing? Is this a very, very good thing? Is this a call-your-parents, pick-out-a-china-pattern thing? Oh, my God! No way! - I'm so happy! - I know.
I know.
- Talk about a mood swing.
- Yes.
Huge mood swinger.
- You told her, didn't you? - I didn't say a word.
You did that head-nodding thing, didn't you? You are so childish.
- It's the Tool Time game.
Let's play.
- Can't.
I'm on a schedule.
I'll let you be Tim.
I want to play, too.
Here, Mark.
You go first.
- All right.
- Oh, look at these figures.
This is so cool.
They even have little removable tool belts.
OK.
Two.
Let's see.
"Tim installs plumbing that actually works!" - All right! - OK.
Three.
One, two, three - get a card.
"Tim repairs outdoor lighting in a rainstorm and you are electrocuted.
Wait for the ambulance.
" Watch this.
This is so great! Al is gonna make a fortune on this.
You know, he is gonna sell a lot of these.
You play it once, and you gotta buy another one.
- What happened? - It caught on fire.
We know that.
Well, the problem is the wiring.
Looks like they used 26-gauge wiring.
- This is definitely an 18-gauge-wire setup.
- Well, what does that mean? It means Al's got 500 board games that you can barbecue ribs on.
- Tim, you gotta call him.
- Yeah.
He's gotta know about this.
He's not gonna like it, I'll tell you that.
Thank you for calling "The Tool Time Game " All our operators are busy right now.
so please hold And remember.
if you're not totally satisfied with your game.
you'll get double your money back I can't believe it! He's gonna lose his life savings.
Actually, double his life savings.
The Tool Time Game.
Please hold.
The Tool Time Game.
Please hold.
The Tool Time Game.
Please hold.
Cal, would you get out here?! The Tool Time Game.
Please hold.
- Hi, guys.
- Hey, Tim.
I came to talk about the game.
Have you opened one of those up yet? No.
We're waiting to treat ourselves to a game after we finish filling orders.
- Can I help you? - Hey, Tim.
Thank you for encouraging my brother to follow his dream.
- That's great, Cal.
- I just can't stop thanking you! Cal, could you please try? Thank you very much.
Al, can I talk to you about the game for a minute? Yeah.
Yeah, sure.
Boy, this is great! I'm telling you, the phones are ringing off the hook! I never thought this game would catch fire so soon.
- Well, it did.
- What do you need to talk to me about? I think they might have put the wrong wire in it.
It's defective.
- We played it last night and it caught fire.
- Caught fire? Everything you do catches fire.
What did you do to it? I didn't do anything to it.
I opened it up and the wiring's wrong.
It should be 18-gauge wiring.
It's 26-gauge wiring.
Oh, no, no.
Lars guaranteed me they used only the best quality.
Maybe it was just the wiring in your game.
Aha! 26 gauge.
Maybe it's just these two games.
Maybe and maybe this summer you'll finally look good in a thong.
Oh, no.
Oh, my God! This is this is a disaster! People could get hurt! I could lose my entire life savings! - Well, actually that would be, um - Double my life savings! - Would you relax, please? Just relax.
- You're right.
Why should I be nervous? Lars made these games, it's his responsibility to fix them.
- It's probably in the contract you signed.
- Contract? - Well, same to you, bub.
- This is Lars? I'm not Lars.
I'm Dave of "Dave's Fortune Cookies.
" - Where's Lars of "Lars' Games"? - He had some bad fortune.
The cops came and arrested him.
So, Lars is behind bars.
Oh, boy! There were 140 complaints with the Better Business Bureau.
And most of them were bad wiring.
Boy! Were there some real suckers, huh?! - I think I've been taken! - You think? Where are you going? I'm going up to my cabin one last time before I have to sell it.
- So, you're just gonna run away? - What's the point? I'm bankrupt.
I have no future, and I have no right to ask llene to marry me.
- What am I supposed to do? - Here.
Have a fortune cookie.
They always cheer people up.
"You've gone as far as you can go in life.
" Try another one.
"Your best days are behind you.
" All right.
OK.
Bingo.
Done.
Got it.
Got it.
OK.
- Dad, what are you doing? - Fixing Al's motor.
- Took me 12 minutes.
- Why are you timing yourself? Well, I'm trying to figure out how I can redo all his motors in two days.
I've got six people working on 500 motors.
That means they can all be fixed in A lot less time than it'll take you to figure out the answer? - Perfect.
Right there.
- Is that it? You got it.
Great, llene.
We gotta hurry up.
Al should be back tomorrow.
We got plenty of games Cal, why don't you play with your own motor? Sorry.
- Great job, Heidi.
- Thank you.
- Jill, you're no Heidi.
- Well, duh.
I mean, you're six motors behind the rest of us.
Oh, come on! We've been at this for 11 hours.
I need a break.
What you need is some hot coffee.
Look how fast Wilson's working.
I'm not a coffee drinker.
It's the first time I've had one full cup, let alone eight cups, it's quite invigorating.
Reminds meof the Buddhist monks after meditation.
- No more coffee for Wilson.
- I need chocolate and I need it now! Al's gonna be so touched when he sees his friends have fixed all his games.
"True friendship is shown in times of trouble: prosperity is full of friends.
" - Al! What are you doing here? - I live here.
- What are you guys doing here? - We work here.
Tim figured out a way to fix your game and asked us all to pitch in and help.
It was just that one wire we replaced.
- I can't believe you did this for me! - Aw, jeez! Tim, underneath that gruff, insensitive exterior, you're a kind and beautiful man.
Right.
I think what Tim is trying to say is you have always done so much for us, and this was our chance to be there for you.
- Yeah.
- You're welcome.
You can ship out your orders on time, and business will take off like you planned.
I I'm overwhelmed.
I'm standing here surrounded by all the people that mean so much to me.
- Especially you, llene.
- Oh, Al.
No, no.
I ran away up to my cabin.
I realized I was running away from you.
And I don't need to make a lot of money for you to love me.
- You've always loved me for who I am.
- And I always will.
Reminds me of Madame de Stal, "Love is above the law, above the opinion of men: the State, the flame, the ideal story of the modern world.
" Give me the chocolate bar.
Does anybody else feel like your heart is about to leap out of your chest? Yes.
My heart is about to leap out of my chest.
And I want everybody to hear this.
llene, I've known you were the one for me ever since we teed off on the moderate-to-difficult course at the "Putt-Putt Panorama.
" llene Markham, will you marry me? Yes, she will! What she said! - Of course I will, Al.
- Oh! - I'm sorry.
I don't even have a ring for you.
- It's OK.
Um, wait a minute! You can get the belt off the little Al figurine.
It fits! - I love you, Al.
- I love you, llene.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Yesterday was Al's day.
Today, it's my day.
You getting married again? No, but I have a new love.
I want to introduce you to my completed chassis.
And her heart is a 250-horsepower, ported and polished flathead.
Wow! I still remember when you started up the last one.
You were there? Yes! I was standing right next to the engine.
I remember the engine, but you're a total blank.
- I'll leave the two of you alone.
- It's important you're here when I start it.
- Really? - Yeah.
I need somebody to take a picture of me.
I recognize the camera, but you're a total blank.
All right.
Say "cheese.
" This is a great game.
Al's gonna make a fortune or not.
- Move away.
- Blow it, Pat.
Blow it out.
- Thank you.
We're clear.
Go on.
- Come on! Help us! "Your best days are behind you.
" What the hell are these - misfortune cookies? - Well, so I'm new to the business, OK? - OK.
smart guy.