Desperate Housewives s06e01 Episode Script

Previously on Desperate Housewives.
Carlos' niece arrived.
We want you to be part of this family.
But you will obey our rules.
Lynette and Tom got big news.
- We're going to have another baby.
- Twins.
You'd actually send your wife to prison? My wife? No.
My ex-wife? You bet.
Orson resorted to blackmail.
I think you're the most fascinating woman that I have ever met.
And Karl made his move.
Katherine's marriage to Mike That woman I was with, tell her I had to go.
It's an emergency.
was put on hold.
You guys are in danger.
Get out of that car, get away from Dave.
And when the dust settled, wedding bells were ringing for someone.
The veil was made from the finest silk.
The garter was trimmed with handmade lace.
The shoes were designed by the top couturier in Milan.
You see, the bride wanted only the best for her wedding day because she was about to marry the best man in the world for the second time.
- How do you feel? - Like the worst person in the world.
Don't do this to yourself.
Katherine is never going to forgive me for this.
Mom, this is your day.
You and Mike were meant to be together.
Wish me luck.
Then by the power vested in me, I now pronounce you husband and wife.
You may kiss the bride.
Yes, the bride wanted the best wedding money could buy, but as she left the altar, it suddenly occurred to her Sorry I'm late.
Did I miss anything? she should have spent more on security.
It's not hard to find sin in the suburbs.
Just look behind closed doors.
That's where you'll find your neighbors cheating on their taxes.
And drinking too much vodka.
And stealing their fathers' magazines.
Yes, the suburbs are filled with sinners, some of whom occasionally repent.
We can't do this.
It's adultery.
Luckily, we're both adults.
Stop! I'm married.
Yes, to a man who's blackmailing you.
Don't you think making love to your divorce lawyer would be a nifty way to get back at him? - Karl, no.
No.
No.
- What now? If I'm going to break a commandment, I don't want it to be for a quickie on this couch.
Who said quickie? I've got 40 minutes before my 10:00.
And thou shalt get sweaty.
I want to do this, I do, but not here.
I need to feel special.
But you are special.
Are you saying you've never made love to another woman on this couch? Not a special woman.
Okay, okay.
I get it, I get it.
I want this to be nice for you.
I'll find us a hotel.
Call me later when you've set something up.
Done.
And just so we're clear, this visit was not billable.
Morning.
I'm late for school, I don't have time for breakfast.
- At least take a muffin.
- Thank you, Uncle Carlos.
- Kind of warm for a sweatshirt, isn't it? - Oh, it gets really cold in the classroom.
Mmm.
Stop.
- Lift it up.
- Gabby! Girls who spend an hour on makeup do not wear baggy sweatshirts.
Lift it.
Well, that ought to heat up the classroom.
Go and change.
Gabby, what is your problem? All the girls in my class dress like this.
That's why your school nurse is an obstetrician.
Wear something else.
Fine.
I'll borrow one of your tops.
It might be exciting for it to go someplace besides the supermarket.
- Snap! - Hey.
You, I can hit.
Do you see what I have to put up with? It was just a shirt.
Yeah? And when she came home past curfew, it was just 40 minutes.
And when she took money from my purse, it was just $5.
Why do you always make excuses for her? She's had a sad life.
Her mom's in jail, her dad walked out.
Yeah, yeah.
She's one dead dog away from a country song.
I don't care.
Well, maybe she would calm down if she felt a little more secure here.
- I'm not signing those papers.
- We need to be her legal guardians.
And look after her for the next two years? No.
Until I see a change in her behavior, I'm keeping all my options open.
- Is this better? - Yes, very nice.
Thank you.
Stop.
Mmm.
What do I smell? Despair, mortality, paralyzing fear.
Oh.
I thought it was waffles.
Do you realize that when these twins finish high school, I'll be in my 60s? No! No, you'll be in your Huh.
At their graduation, I will be the crazy old lady with oatmeal on her chin.
Look, I know this wasn't planned, but we can do this.
I mean, we had a lot of fun raising the first four kids.
But we were done, Tom! We were across the finish line.
No more diapers, no more strained carrots, no more reading stupid Goodnight Moon! - Lynette - And with Preston going to Europe, we even had one moving out! We will never be done if we birth two every time one moves out! That's just math! Eight and a half months to go.
Yay.
Are you all right? You know, it's funny.
I was never able to picture us old together.
Sitting on the porch, gray hair.
I tried, but I could never see it.
I'm sorry.
- Katherine, you don't have to - Mike, please.
I don't need another reminder of you.
So, how'd it go? How was she? She was okay.
Okay? What does that mean? I mean, did you tell her everything? - Did you tell her we're getting married? - Yeah.
I think she's trying to take the high road.
The high road? As in, "I wish you and Susan the best"? Or the high road as in, "When I cut Susan's brake line, "she'll careen off the high road"? Well, she knows it's over.
And she's dealing with it.
That must have been really hard for you.
Yeah, it was, but now that she knows, it'll be easier when you talk to her.
Me, talk to her? Why? Why? Why? You're the one who was dating her.
I I just I don't think I think we're good now.
Honey, you're going to have to deal with her at some point.
Fine.
Yes, I will, I will.
Just not today.
'Cause today Julie's coming home and, you know, I want to get her settled in.
- So, what about tomorrow? - That's not good either 'cause Julie and I are going to pick out my wedding dress.
You live right across the street from her.
You can't avoid her for the next 50 years.
Well, not 50.
Just till she's too old to throw things.
Don't worry about it.
I think Katherine's really going to surprise you.
All of the windows are triple-pane, energy efficient.
And I should mention the hardwood floors were completely redone recently.
- Black walnut.
- It's nice.
So, do you have any questions for me? No, I think you pretty much got it covered.
Really? Check me out.
I'm new at this.
I just got my broker's license last week, so Congratulations.
It's a pretty nice house for your first listing.
I got really lucky.
The woman who handled the properties in the neighborhood, she slammed her car into a pole and got fried by a power line.
Like I said, congrats.
But Mrs.
Bolen's been awfully quiet, though.
What do you think? - Me? I'm thinking you're full of crap.
- I'm sorry? Well, the fact that we can afford this place says to me something is wrong with it.
So, start talking.
Mold? Termites? Leaky roof? Honestly, I have told you everything that I know.
Sure, you could play it like that, but if we do buy this place and it turns into a money pit, I'm going to need to take my anger out on someone, like maybe the realtor, who made a big deal out of telling us he lives right across the street.
Okay, well, I don't know that this is actually considered a flaw, but a while ago, the lady who was living here, she was apparently going through kind of a tough time, and long story short, she committed suicide.
Shot herself in the head.
In this room.
- That's it? - Well, yeah.
- We'll take it.
- Really? That is so That is Okay, I'll just get the paperwork.
It's a nice place.
I think we could be happy here.
Right, Danny? Why are you asking me? I didn't want to move here.
Oh, honey, whose fault was that? - Julie! Look at you! - It's so good to see you.
Angie, these are incredible.
- What do you call them again? - Pizzelles.
Come on, eat up, I made six dozen.
My grandmother's recipes were always for 30 people.
Trust me, she'd fatten you four up in a week.
These go straight to your ass.
Okay, I'm sorry, do you guys not say "ass"? Sure we do.
Come on, Bree, show her.
So, Susan tells me that your son is about to start college.
Mmm-hmm.
We're just dealing with some paperwork, but he should be starting sometime next week.
I thought he was already in class.
He asked Julie to tutor him in math.
Really? - That must be Katherine.
- I'll get it.
Katherine? You didn't say Katherine was coming.
She's just dropping something off.
What's the matter? You've seen her since this Mike thing.
Oh, yeah.
Sort of.
Your voice just got very high.
You have talked to her, haven't you? I'm going to.
I just have been so busy with all the wedding plans.
Yeah, I wouldn't open with that.
Hi.
I'm just dropping off the menu for the Davenport anniversary party.
You finished that? Already? It's three months away.
Well, I have a lot of free time on my hands these days.
Hello, Susan.
Oh.
Hi, Katherine.
How are you doing? Haven't seen you in a while.
Well, I've been using the back door a lot more lately.
Katherine, your buttons.
Oh.
I don't know where my head is anymore.
Was it just me, or was that the most awkward moment ever? You bet your sweet ass it was.
Hon, could you get me a glass of water, please? - You got it.
- Thanks.
- It's our first.
- Yeah, I got that.
How about you? Four at home, two on the way.
Oh, big family! You're so blessed! I just can't imagine anything better than being a mommy.
- Really? - I mean, I know it's a lot of work, but luckily my husband plans to be really hands-on.
Yeah, that's not going to happen.
- Pardon? - Oh, he'll be there at first, maybe even change a diaper or two until the novelty wears off, but those 4:00 a.
m.
feedings he said he'd help out with? Forget it.
Oh, you don't know my Johnny.
He's different.
- Does he have boobs? - No.
Then you're the only bar in town.
That baby can scream into a bullhorn and Johnny won't budge.
Okay.
Well, thanks.
I'm not done.
You see this? You'll never wear a bikini again.
But you've had four kids, and you look good.
You haven't seen me naked.
My stomach looks like Spanish stucco.
And my breasts resemble two balloons you find behind the couch a week after the party.
You know, most women say this is the greatest experience of their life.
Most women are liars.
My mother was a liar and her mother was a liar and your mother is a liar.
It's a lie every generation tells the next so they can get grandchildren.
- Please, stop talking to me.
- No.
You need to hear this.
You have to be prepared.
Your children will hate you and steal from your purse.
Your husband will begin to buy your birthday presents at the car wash.
And the kicker, for the rest of your life, there will be so many moments when you feel lonely, but you will never be alone.
They were out of water.
Is juice okay? Hormones.
Get used to it.
I cannot believe that we are finally going to do this.
You're not an easy woman to pin down, but I sure am going to enjoy trying.
- What? - This is not what I was expecting.
Hey, I think I look pretty good for my age.
Not you, Karl, the room.
It's filthy and hideous.
I took you to a nice hotel last week and we had to leave 'cause you saw someone you knew.
Who are we going to run into here? - Well, certainly not a cleaning lady.
- Okay, so it's a little dusty.
But trust me, once I get started, you'll never even notice.
- My God, those sheets! - What's wrong with them? They're discolored, threadbare and reek of industrial bleach! You give me five minutes, they'll reek of us.
Karl, I'm not going to lie on that revolting sheet, wondering how many junkies have died on it.
What do you want me to do about it? Ooh, Egyptian cotton.
These are pretty, aren't they? Great, love them.
Let's go.
It doesn't help when you say that about every single set.
Bree, an hour ago, I was half naked.
Now I'm sheet shopping.
Forgive me if I'm an easy sell.
I'm just not sure this color will match the carpet.
Well, get them in blue.
I'll tell you what they'll match then.
Fine.
I'll take these.
Now we just need to stop for some flowers.
- Flowers? - I just want this affair to be nice.
You know, you don't want this affair to be nice.
You don't want it at all.
Don't be silly.
Of course I do.
You may think you do, but I've been chasing you for two weeks and you've done nothing but throw up roadblocks.
Not tonight.
Not this hotel.
Not those sheets.
Karl, if you think I've been leading you on, you're wrong.
Bree, it's not your fault.
It's just who you are.
You're a good girl who never breaks the rules, no matter how miserable it makes her.
I thought a little Karl time might brighten your day, but there's not much I can do for someone who would rather be good than happy.
Can I help you? I've got a delivery for Susan Mayer, but she's not home.
Do you mind signing for her? Oh.
That must be her gown.
Of course I'll take it.
We do things like this for each other all the time.
In fact, just last month, she took in something of mine.
Oh, God.
Oh, God.
Oh, God! Um Katherine, it's me.
I've just come over to pick up my Hello, Susan.
Okay, I did not see that coming.
It's just so beautiful, I couldn't resist.
Well Thank you for taking such good care of it.
But I should probably go now, so if you just want to slip it off and Oh, wait, I have to check on my sauce.
Sauce? Mmm.
Doesn't that smell good? It smells done.
- Why don't you step away from the pot? - No.
The secret is you have to keep stirring.
You know, I really love this fabric.
It feels so expensive.
It is.
That's why they had it all protected with that acid-free tissue paper and plastic garment bag.
Huh.
Maybe I should give you some of this sauce to take to Mike.
He used to love my sauce.
Of course, he used to love me, too.
Okay, enough with the sauce.
I want my dress back.
Now.
Of course, I'm sorry.
Can you please unzip me? Mmm.
It really is a beautiful dress.
Katherine was actually wearing the dress? Yes.
Stop blocking my light.
Keep blotting.
- Mom, relax.
We got all the spots.
- No, I still see flecks of red.
It's your third wedding.
An all-white dress was going to be a stretch anyway.
Do me a favor, save the my-mom's-a-slut jokes for the toast.
You think I should go talk to her again? What? Why? Well, she's obviously hurting more than I thought.
Excuse me, she kidnapped my wedding dress and held a pot of sauce to its head! How could you possibly defend her? I'm not defending her, I'm just a little concerned.
Aren't you? No! I mean, yes, I was, but at this point, I'm a little sick of her.
Do you know that when I tell people that I'm getting married, no one says, "Congratulations.
" They all say, "Oh, my God, is Katherine okay? "How's Katherine?" Does no one remember that you were with me first? She stole my leftovers! - Does nobody remember that? - Did she just refer to me as leftovers? My point is that I didn't do anything wrong.
You and I have a child.
And I am just tired of feeling like the other woman.
Scary part is, of the two women you could marry, that's the stable one.
Thanks for taking me to the store.
I promised Roy I'd make him meatloaf.
No, I think it's sweet that you found a male companion at this stage in your life.
Roy's no companion.
The man has seen Paris.
That's right, I'm back in the saddle.
See, it started one night when Roy asked if my bathtub was big enough for two Hey, hey, hey! You want me to crash the car? 'Cause I will.
Hey, Aunt Gabby.
Need your car washed? Oh, I'm Aunt Gabby now? Let me guess, you want something.
- Well, there is a party tomorrow night.
- Really? Okay, you can go.
Seriously? Well, if you can make an effort around here, then I guess I can, too.
Just be home by 10:00.
Yeah, that's the thing.
The party doesn't start till 11:00.
What kind of party starts at 11:00? This new dance club is opening downtown, and it is, like, the hottest thing ever.
- Everybody's going.
- Not everybody.
It's a school night and you know the rules, but thank you for washing the car.
- Well, she's quite the charmer.
- Do you see what I'm dealing with? I mean, Carlos and I basically took her off the street.
You'd think she'd be grateful, but every day is a battle.
I don't know how to get through to her.
Teenage girls, they're the best reason for not having kids.
Thank God Roy had a vasectomy.
So, based on the data given for this population, and using the standard deviation formula, what do you think this variable is? Would you like to go to a movie sometime? It's not like it would be a date or anything.
We're friends, right? Friends go to movies all the time.
I don't know if you know that.
Did you know that? I did know that.
- Okay.
- Really? That's great! Hey, Julie.
Nice to see you again.
Danny, do me a favor and take the trash out, will you? Can't I do it a little later? Yeah, yeah, you could, but I think you're going to do it right now.
- Hey, thanks for doing that.
- Doing what? Not shooting him down.
I know he's probably not your type.
No, I like him.
He's nice.
Yeah, yeah, but clearly not in your league.
I'm sorry you have to work late, sweetie.
Don't worry about us, everything is fine here.
Good night, Ana.
Oh, sorry.
Ana paid me $5.
Hey, muscles.
I need a lift.
Whoa! Hey! Hands, hands, hands! Excuse me! Sorry to interrupt, but can I have your attention, please? Hello? Okay, hi.
My niece is somewhere in this building.
She's got brown hair, gold leggings, a cream top, which she took from my closet.
So, if you could just look around and point her out.
No, hey, hey, this is important, okay? She's only 16 and she came here even though she knew she wasn't supposed to.
Hey, hey, hey, hey! Either you find my niece or I will call the cops with their drug-sniffing dogs.
I found her! Over here! Here she is! She's right here! Get her out of here! Stop! Put me down! Somebody.
Get your hands off me! Let me down! My God! What are you doing? Thank you, everybody.
I told you not to mess with me.
- I cannot keep doing this, Ana.
- Or what? You're going to throw me out? Fine.
You'd actually be doing me a favor.
I can take care of myself.
You're 16.
How exactly are you going to make money? I'm going to be a model.
- A model? - Yeah.
You know, people tell me that I'm pretty enough.
I will just I'll go to Paris or New York and I'll get discovered.
Then I will be rich and famous and no one will ever tell me what to do again.
And you really think it's that easy to become a model? It was for you.
And you left home when you were only 15.
No, I left because I had to.
My stepfather was Not a nice man.
My mother didn't care about me.
My father left when I was three and my mother's been in and out of prison ever since.
I can beat you at this game.
This is not a game, Ana! This is your life! You can't scare me, all right? And I don't stay where I'm not wanted.
Don't give me that.
We feed you, we put a roof over your head.
And you're also keeping all your options open.
Yeah, I heard.
Oh, good.
You're back.
The girls haven't made a peep.
Gabby? No more options.
I am now officially your guardian.
So, what? I'm supposed to hug you now? No, you're not going to want to hug me because from here on out, I am going to be watching you like a hawk.
I want to know where you are going, who you are going with and when you are coming home.
And I'm going to keep you from ruining that life you are so anxious to start living.
- You are so mean.
- Yeah.
And I wish I wish someone had been this mean to me when I was your age.
- Danny! Look, it's complicated! - No, it's really simple, Julie! You only care about yourself.
- Please, let me explain! - Go to hell! Katherine said you were here.
I thought since you were already in church we might see the pastor and schedule some counseling sessions.
I don't need counseling, Orson.
I need a divorce.
Don't tell me we don't need counseling.
You've been sleeping in the guest room for weeks.
It's not right.
I agree, and if you had an ounce of chivalry, you'd have given me the master.
You might think that withholding sex will make me give up on us, but I can be very patient.
You do realize in prison, I went three whole years without any sex.
No, but thank you for clearing up a question I never quite knew how to ask.
Bree.
Eight years ago, we stood at an altar like this and we made a vow before God to love each other.
Do you think I haven't struggled with this? I've struggled with this in ways you can't even begin to imagine.
Then let me help you.
I can make you happy again.
How? By blackmailing me? I'm not your wife anymore, Orson.
I'm your captive! Don't you feel any remorse at all over that? Of course, I do, but sometimes guilt is a small price to pay for happiness.
There it is, baby number one.
Oh, my God.
It was so worth cutting class to hear this.
And there's number two.
Good strong heartbeats.
Isn't that great, Lynette? Yeah, terrific.
I'll get the nurse, have her come clean you up.
Thank you.
So, what's with you? - What? - That was an amazing moment and you just sat there like you didn't even care.
I'm just tired.
Look, I know this has been a shock and I'm trying to give you time, but it's been three months.
When are you going to start getting excited about our kids? What? I don't love them.
- Lynette.
- Please.
Don't look at me that way.
If I can't talk to you about this, then I am in big trouble.
You're just upset because this wasn't planned.
None of them were planned, but I loved each of our kids the moment I knew they were coming.
It's different this time.
I don't love these babies.
Stop saying that.
When you hold them in your arms, you will care about these kids just as much as the others.
Okay.
I think I left something in the car.
I'll see you inside.
Bree.
Orson will drink too much today, like he always does at weddings.
He'll be asleep by 9:00.
Meet me at the Shangri-La Motel at 9:30.
- And you won't bail on me again? - I booked the room last night.
I've already changed the sheets and cleaned the bathroom.
Kiss me.
What happened to the good girl? She decided guilt's a small price to pay for happiness.
Frankly, I think it looked better on me.
Katherine.
What are you doing here? You may have noticed that I've been out of sorts lately, and I just couldn't understand why.
I mean, sure, I was dumped by the love of my life, but it was more than that.
And then it hit me.
My friend, who was sort of responsible for my world imploding, never bothered to cross the street to see how I was doing.
Didn't have the decency to apologize.
- I am very, very - No, not here.
- Out there.
- In the hallway? In your ceremony.
Everybody in town knows you humiliated me.
I think I deserve a public apology.
- In the middle of my wedding? - I found the perfect spot.
Right here.
After the reading from Ecclesiastes and right before We've Only Just Begun.
- I am not doing that.
- Yes, you will.
Or I will create a scene so ugly, your guests will still be talking about it on your golden anniversary.
Okay.
But I am not happy about this.
Oh, try to smile anyway.
Nobody likes a grumpy bride.
Why don't we just get this over with? Would you mind getting my gloves? They're in the garment bag.
I'm sorry.
It's just until after the ceremony.
Susan! And from this day forward, you shall be each other's home, you shall be each other's sanctuary.
Susan, let me out! With this ring, I thee wed.
Sorry I'm late.
Did I miss anything? What the hell? What are you doing here? Susan knows.
Look, I don't know what you want, but I'm asking you nicely to leave.
And if you don't, so help me God, I will drag you out of this church myself.
I'm sorry.
I just wanted I'll go.
Katherine, wait.
Um Oh.
Hello, everybody.
I just want to say something.
Oh, we don't need this on the video.
When Mike asked me to marry him again, it was one of the happiest days of my life.
But for someone else, it was the day her whole world fell apart.
And I have to admit, I didn't care.
In that moment, I was a selfish person and I chose my happiness.
But I want you all to know that I am truly sorry for changing her path.
And I hope that Katherine Mayfair finds happiness, and can find it in her heart to forgive me, and be my friend again.
I hope that helped.
Honestly, it didn't.
Where the hell is Danny? He left the wedding two hours ago and he's not in his room.
He'll be home soon.
I don't know what has gotten into that kid.
He stayed out late, picking fights with girls in public.
- He knows better than that.
- He's a teenager.
Well, go look for him.
Well, we can't afford to make waves here.
Everyone has to think we are nice, normal people.
Yeah.
It's not hard to find sin in the suburbs.
Just look behind closed doors, and you'll find your neighbors cheating on their husbands.
Resenting their children.
Plotting against their friends.
But as much as we like to talk about the sinful things people do, we forget there's a difference between sin and evil.
Sadly, there's always someone willing to come along and remind us.