Frasier s06e01 Episode Script

Before we begin, I'd like to say how honoured I am to be taking over this spot.
Obviously, I have some rather big shoes to fill.
My predecessor here was much beloved.
But I have never been one to shrink from a challenge.
And I'm sure that we'll all enjoy many happy years here together in my new home.
Now, today on Medical Minute, we're going to be tackling the sticky subject of Thank you, Dr.
Crane.
Great audition.
Really? That's all you need? I think we have a good idea what you're all about.
Excellent.
- We'll be in touch.
- I'm sure you will.
Next, please.
Oh, formalities.
Yes, I understand.
Perhaps I'll just take a walk around the station, check out the dressing rooms, introduce myself to a few people.
Say, you know, is there a sign-up list for the softball team? I'm sure that Frasier "Slugger" Crane's gonna be an asset to this station in more ways than one.
Morning, Frasier.
Oh, good morning, Dad.
- Little early for the piano, isn't it? - Yes, I'm sorry about that.
I woke up this morning thinking about that operetta I've been writing.
You know, the one about Robert and Elizabeth Browning.
And I think Well, I just had to get right to it.
Well, that's what I get for living in a big city.
If it's not the horns waking you up, it's someone writing an operetta about the Brownings.
Well, I'm pretty sure that I've solved the problem.
- Good for you.
- But I'd have to hear it to be sure.
- I'll bet.
- Dad? - Forget it.
- Come on.
- No, I've done it once, that's enough.
- Come on, it'll just take a minute.
- I just want to do this one section.
- Oh, all right.
But I'm not doing the accent.
That's fine.
All right, we'll take it from right here.
- Fine.
- All right.
What is it that you feel? - Love - Love That fear makes you conceal - Love - Love The power's there to heal - Love - Love Reveal! - Take me in your arms - I'm not doing this.
- All right, I'll sing it with Niles later.
- Oh, that'll cheer me up.
Dad, be careful of those sketches there.
Sketches? Yes, I've been planning on redecorating the apartment.
I thought why not just design my own furniture? Boy, Frasier, you know, you've been taking on a lot of big projects lately.
Well, Dad, you see, any moment that phone is going to ring with another job offer, and this blessed little hiatus will be over.
I want to have achieved as many of my life's ambitions as possible.
Gee, Dad, frankly, you should take up a project or two.
Me? What are you talking about? I'm doing stuff all the time.
Why just this weekend, I taught Eddie a great new trick.
- Really? - Come here, boy.
Yeah, I'll show you.
It starts out: I point a gun at him.
I like it so far.
Then I say, "Freeze, punk, it's all over.
" It's all over.
Oh, come on, Eddie, you're supposed to go like this.
Well done, Dad.
Now you just have to teach Eddie to say, "It's all over.
" - Can someone help me here? - What is all that? Books Dr.
Crane sent me to get from the storage space.
It's research I'm doing for a novel I'm planning.
Daphne, I was beginning to wonder what was taking you so long.
Well, forgive me, but I did have to move three crates, a rowing machine and a cast-iron bathtub out of the way first.
Oh, look at that, the only book I really wanted was in the shelf already.
Here, Daphne, you'll have to take these back down.
Oh, my God, that's my duck! All right.
Thank you, Daphne.
When you're done, I need you to run some errands for me.
I need a very sturdy lemon zester, some more music paper, some potting soil and an easel.
Oh, be happy to.
Then after that, maybe I could draw a bath, strip you naked and scrub you with a loofah.
- Would that be all right, Dr.
Crane? - Yes.
I didn't even see you standing there.
- Can I talk to you about something? - Yeah, just a second, Dad.
Okay.
Well, it's about Frasier.
Ever since he got fired, he's been so weird.
All these projects he's got going.
Yeah, don't worry, it's normal.
He's simply in a state of denial.
- Denial about what? - About getting fired.
People like Frasier's whole identity revolves around their job.
The loss of the job is like a Like a death.
They cope with it the same way they would with a death, by going through a series of stages.
The first one's denial.
Usually, that's followed by anger, then I've done it! Escoffier's most difficult dish, done to tangy perfection.
You know, sometimes I think I may have missed my calling not becoming a gourmet chef.
- I see we're still in stage one.
- Hello, Niles.
Hey, Frasier, you ready for our squash date? Oh, gosh, I'm so sorry.
I'm gonna have to cancel.
I'll be cooking all morning.
- What for? - Actually, I'm holding a little picnic for the KACL employees and their families.
As you may recall, I did get them all fired.
Oh, yes.
So I was just hoping to make amends by serving up a little Duck a I'Orange and an alfresco mea culpa.
You know, people like chips at a picnic too.
Excuse me.
Hello? Yes, Bebe.
Yes.
Yes, the television job.
Oh, yes, yes.
Oh, what a relief.
Thank you.
Bye-bye.
- You got it? - No, thank goodness.
That job starts tomorrow.
I have got things to do.
Oh, I'm sorry, Frasier.
Sorry? My God, you sound just like Dad.
I am going to get another job.
The people of this city need me.
I'm a beloved Seattle institution.
Couple of more days like this, he's gonna be in a beloved Seattle institution.
Hey, doc.
Roz.
Wait till you hear this.
- I got a job today.
- Really? - Oh, my God.
- Good, good.
- You ought to rub me for good luck.
- Where? Well, start on my knee.
Work your way up.
Where's the job? Oh, it's that new all-sports station.
I got the breakfast slot.
I even came up with a slogan: "Coffee, eggs and Bulldog.
" Sounds like some sort of a Malaysian Happy Meal.
A word of caution on the hummus: To be avoided, as a leper would avoid a Magic Teacup ride.
Gil, Frasier made that.
- Oh, I'm so sorry.
- It's quite all right.
I understand.
You need to flex your critical muscles while you're between jobs.
Oh, good.
Then you might enjoy this one: After sampling your unnuanced baba ganoush, I was tempted to describe your entire Middle Eastern buffet as "The Sorrow and the Pita.
" Oh, who's got a pencil? I've got to write that one down.
- Hi, everybody.
- Oh, Tooty.
- Hey.
- I got the most exciting news today.
They just picked up my Storytime Theatre on public television.
- Hey, all right.
- That's wonderful.
Talk about living happily ever after, huh? - Hey, Dr.
Crane.
- Oh, well, Kenny.
Great party.
Oh, by the way, I picked something up for you on my way to work today.
- Work? - Yeah, yeah.
They took me back at my old job: Anyway, I was passing the bus stop and Excuse me a second.
Anyway, they were about to paper over your poster, so I peeled it off for you.
Well, that is quite a keepsake.
Don't mention it.
By the way, the poster under yours was an old radio guy, Dr.
Earl? Who was he again? You know, I'm sorry, I don't recall.
Yeah, I'm the same way.
Once they're off the air, who remembers? Do you realise we're the only people here - without a job? - Roz If we don't get this Talk 100 spot, there may not be any left.
Roz, I've told you we have nothing to worry about.
Now, come on.
Everyone? If I could have your attention, please.
We, of course, have planned some activities for today's little get-together.
And I'd like to start with one for the children.
Now, what we have here is an authentic Mexican piñata.
The object is to take the stick and give it a little whack Bravo for me.
I just got the Talk 100 job.
Oh, well, good for you, Gil.
Yes, you're gonna wanna give this little fellow a good crack.
Otherwise You know, maybe I better get this started for you.
Otherwise, the candy will never come out.
And everybody knows keeping something locked up inside is never good for anyone, is it? Hello? Yes, Bebe.
We did hear the news.
And how thrilling for Gil.
Could you hold, please? What is this I feel? Love That fear makes me conceal Love Dad? Was I doing it again? Was I doing it before Mrs.
Walsh got off? That's why Mrs.
Walsh got off.
- So how's Frasier doing? - Oh, he's getting weirder.
He beat up a piñata yesterday.
Isn't that what you're supposed to do? Not like this.
They found a jawbreaker on the other side of the highway.
Oh, well, this is good.
It means he's reached the anger stage.
In due course, he'll go through bargaining, - depression and finally acceptance.
- What's bargaining? It's like when a person makes a deal with God to spare their life.
Oh, yeah, I know all about that.
I remember right after I got shot, I said: "God, if I promise never to drink another bottle of Ballantine's, will you let me get through this?" - Dad, you still drink Ballantine's.
- Not in bottles, baby.
You're just in time.
I'm throwing a party for my fan club.
Here? Is there some problem with the bridge they normally meet under? Very amusing, Niles.
You see, I've been doing a lot of soul-searching lately, and last night, I did something I haven't done since I was a very little boy.
I got down on my knees at my bedside, and I prayed for guidance.
And I asked God: "What can I do to get my old life back?" And the answer came: "Take better care of your fans.
" - God told you that? - Yes.
I have taken my public for granted.
I take weeks before I answer my fan mail, if I answer it at all.
I've been a bad celebrity.
- But no more.
- I didn't even know you had a fan club.
Well, actually, they meet on the Internet, and I visited their website yesterday for the first time.
Bad celebrity.
But I invited them all here, and you know what? They were so grateful that before long, I mean, God, suddenly they were proposing that they hold a massive rally in my honour demanding that I return to the airwaves.
You know, I think it's safe to say that someone is already working in mysterious ways.
Someone sure as hell is.
Some of the crab puffs, Dr.
Crane? No, no, thank you.
Just keep those away from me.
Won't be long before I'm back in the public eye, and I've got to remain fighting trim.
- Oh, Daphne.
- What you got there? Just a box of Dr.
Crane's publicity photos from the storage cubby.
- Thank you.
- This flashlight sure came in handy.
Helped me to find that box way up on the top of that old bookcase.
And when that thing flew in my hair, I had something to beat it to death with.
Oh, good Lord, our first arrivals.
God, I've got to check the food.
Daphne, will you run to the store for me? I need felt tip pens to sign these pictures with, do you mind? Sure.
What else have I got to do? Hi, Daphne.
It's Daphne.
Hello.
Have we met? - We know you from the magazine.
- April '96, Seattle Monthly.
"At Home With Dr.
Frasier Crane.
" You wore an orange-flowered dress.
And your hair was different then.
Oh, how creepy.
Do come in.
Come in.
Come in.
- I'm Dr.
Frasier Crane.
- Wow, hi.
- Hello.
- Doris Buckley.
- Doris.
- Aaron Fitch.
Aaron.
Oh, it's such a pleasure to meet you.
You know, perhaps I should introduce these people to you.
We know who they are.
And now where we live.
Oh, don't be shy.
- Come in, come in.
- This is great.
This is great.
I'm Dr.
Frasier Crane.
It's a pleasure to meet you.
This is great.
This is great.
It's cool, isn't it? Your brother having his own club.
Yeah, well, seeing all of you, I sort of wish I had a club myself.
You know, perhaps you'd like to fill out these nametags.
- We'll wait for everyone else to come.
- Who else is coming? - Well, the rest of the fan club.
- This is the fan club, the three of us.
Well, I'll be off to get those pens now.
You know, perhaps you should all help yourself to some food.
Niles, may I have a word with you, please? Niles! I can't let them hold that rally.
Three kooks marching in a circle.
- Do you know what that will do? - Make them very dizzy very fast.
Make me a laughingstock.
I'll never work in this town again.
I've got to stop them.
Sorry to interrupt, but I need to carve the second turkey.
No fighting over drumsticks at this party.
Stop it.
How's everyone out here? Great.
We were just talking about the rally.
- Really? I'm glad you brought that up.
- They had it this afternoon.
- In front of city hall.
- It couldn't have gone better.
George stopped traffic by lying across the road on a psychiatrist's couch.
- The cameramen sure loved that.
- Cameramen? What are we doing? It's almost time for the 6:00 news.
You're gonna love this, Dr.
Crane.
- What have you got there? - The crab puffs.
- Shall I get you something else? - Yes, please, bring me spring rolls.
Now, on the lighter side, did you ever ask yourself what if they held a rally and nobody came? This is great.
This is great.
Eighty-six the spring rolls.
Bring me the freaking turkey.
- Frasier? - Yeah, Dad.
You think we could talk for a second in the living room? Yeah, sure.
Gee, sounds kind of serious.
- Yeah, it is, kind of.
- Well, what is it? Oh, Roz, I didn't hear you come in.
I think you had the blender going.
Frasier, we were wondering, do you think you might be depressed? Depressed? Well, we've all noticed that you've put on weight lately.
We're worried that you might be eating obsessively.
Maybe I've gained a pound or two, but it's nothing I can't handle.
So you think you've got everything under control? - Absolutely.
- It's time, Roz.
Remember when I had that babysitter who was stealing from me, so I had to put in the hidden camera? Yes.
And you remember when you babysat for me? - What about it? - Just watch this.
Well, I think it's mealtime, baby Alice.
Let's see what's on tonight's menu.
Oh, yes, strained beef and lima beans.
All right, point taken, I've put on a pound or two.
But the camera adds ten.
Open up.
Come on.
Come on, come on.
You know, it's very good.
Here, I'll show you, here.
Oh, my.
All right, now it's your turn.
Now, come on.
No? Still? Well, you know, that's not even a proper spoonful.
Let's get you a full one.
That's a nice big one.
You know what? Let's try something else.
How about some puréed chicken and yams? This looks very good.
Now, here we are.
All right, here we go.
Come on, open up, open up.
No? Well, if you're not hungry, you're not hungry.
Oh, my.
Wow, it's actually pretty good together.
Let's try that.
What's that you have in your sippy cup there? - Is that apple juice? - Oh, all right, enough, turn it off.
Well, I guess maybe you're right.
I am depressed.
What of it? Well, we're just trying to help you to get to, you know, the next stage.
- Stage of what? - Frasier you're dealing with the loss of your job as many people do with a death.
Only you've got yourself stalled in depression.
And I think you're gonna stay there until you let yourself grieve for everything you've lost.
Your job, your friends.
The money, your reputation You've gotta let it out, Frasier.
Well, I thank you all very much for your concern, but you know what? If I was repressing anything, I would certainly know it.
The only thing I need to let out are these so-called big-and-tall lounge pants.
- Well, that went well.
- Yeah.
- Well, we gave it a shot.
- What will we do now? Well, we can't push him.
If he's not ready, he's not ready.
- What was that? - Was that Frasier? If anyone's hungry, there's a freshly made Monte Cristo in the waffle press.
Oh, great.
Thanks, Fras.
Dr.
Crane, you all right? - Yes.
- Are you sure? I'm quite sure.
Frasier, you're not famous anymore.
- What the hell did you do that for? - No, no, Dad, he needed a push.
Yeah? Well, look at him.
- This can't be good.
- No, it is good.
Let it all out, Frasier.
Let it all out.
That's good.
That's right, Frasier.
Let it out.
Okay.
Okay.
All right.
Yeah, I think that's probably enough now.
Okay.
- How much more can be in there? - Okay.
Okay.
All right.
Yeah, that's probably enough now.
Okay.
I don't think I can get him to stop.
- But this is sickening.
- Yeah, what are we gonna do? Somebody get that Monte Cristo in here.
Frasier, it's all in how you look at things.
Look at my life.
No career, no relationship, no hope You can say the same thing about me.
I was talking about you.
Dr.
Crane, my Grammy Moon had a saying What are you trying to do, kill him? Well, don't blame this on me.
She brought the bloody tape over.
Oh, so now this is all my fault.
You saw that tape.
I've seen your baby too.
She could stand to miss a meal or two.
- She's a healthy baby.
- Oh, stop it.
Stop it, all of you.
There is no hope.
It's over.
It's all over.
Well, look at that.
I'm so proud of you, boy.
Dad, you're just saying that.
- Hello, Niles.
- Frasier, please join me.
Thank you very much.
- I would love to have - Wait.
Mochaccino, extra whipped cream and a Linzer Torte, right? Not anymore.
I'll just have a non-fat latte, please.
- Hey, didn't you used to? - Yes, yes, I used to be on the radio.
With any luck, I will be again.
Thank you for remembering.
It does help.
I was just gonna say, didn't you also used to get a bear claw? Off you go.
Well, Frasier, I just have to say bravo.
You're slim, well-adjusted.
You've really turned things around, haven't you? Well, it's easy once you hit rock bottom and bounce.
Thank you, Niles, I couldn't have done it without you.
I did nothing you wouldn't have done for me.
And you'll be happy to know my own life is on quite the upswing as well.
Really? I just got back from a meeting with Maris and her lawyers.
Oh, and? I think this divorce is going to go very smoothly.