King of the Hill s06e01 Episode Script

See the tall one with braces? That's Amanda.
I'd give anything to be a flannel nightgown at that sleepover.
It'll never happen.
But I do have an unobstructed view of hot girl-on-girl pillow-fight action from my bedroom window.
Not as good as the view from my roof with my dad's thermal goggles.
I'll be able to see their body heat Later, Bobby.
Lights out at 9:30.
After that, no laughing, no singing.
- No flashlights, no ghost stories.
- No nothing, except sleep! Also, you have to sign this.
It says that we are not responsible for any injury that might occur during sleepover.
Susan Clemmons, is it? You forgot to initial here! Okay.
Enjoy sleepover.
Dang! Show's over! What are you doing? What part of the contract didn't you understand? Give me the pillows! That's it, Susan.
Hide the pillow.
Good girl.
Come on, cough it up! You're not gonna sleep now, are you? I'd leave now, but I already paid your dad for the continental breakfast.
Yeah.
Bobby! Honest, Connie.
I--I wasn't watching.
Bobby, my party's dying.
Can you come over? Yes! Bobby! Take it off! Give the girls what they paid for.
Oh, my God! You'll fall ii love with me Ii io time at all If cupid had a heart Shake it, baby.
Give me some motion.
Oh, yeah! She's got nice ones! If cupid had a heart What are you doing? This is a sleepover, not a play-music-loud-all-night-over! What's Chang Wassanasong doing here? I might have told him you were having a sleepover.
- What's up, ladies? - Beat it, Wassanasong! Check it out.
It's "Booby" Hill.
When God was passing out wit, you thought he said zit and you asked for seconds.
- Now, out the window! - We're not going anywhere.
- We came for a pillow fight.
- Connie's dad took them all.
Then how about just fight? What was that? What No boys in slumber party! Oh, hey, Chang.
How you doing? How's your dad? Still on membership committee at Nine River Country Club? Yes, sir, Mr.
Soup.
We were just walking by and we saw Bobby sneaking in the window and I wanted to make sure Connie was okay.
Bobby Hill, out the window! Chang, you and your friends may use the door.
All right, guys.
The girls aren't here.
We don't have to pretend to be tough.
Come on.
I--I live next door.
All I have to do is scream and my dad will be on you like flies on pie! If you eat some dirt, then maybe I'll leave you alone.
But I don't wanna eat any dirt.
Maybe just a little.
- Yum, that's good dirt.
- You didn't eat any.
Dad! Dad! Dad! Help! Bobby? - What have you been eating? - Dirt! Chang Wassanasong made me eat dirt! He beat me up! I'll get some ice.
Don't worry, Dad.
I'll find out Chang's address so you can go over there and make his dad eat dirt.
Bobby, remember when you were and I pulled that big girl off you at the park? That's not happening anymore.
There is only one person who can fight your battles for you.
And I know you don't want to hear this, but that person is you.
Look at me! This can't fight.
Then take a boxing course at the YMCA.
You can learn anything at the Y.
That's where I learned how to fight.
You know, that's also where I learned to swim.
So, taking those boxing lessons kept the bullies from picking on you? Bullies, picking on me? Yeah.
Sure.
Why not? I'm sorry.
Boxing is full.
But I can put you on the wait list.
People are always getting hurt.
You've gotta help me defend myself from Chang Wassanasong.
There is one other class, but it wouldn't be right for you.
There's nothing about the YMCA that's right for me.
But until I'm famous enough to afford my own bodyguard I am going to have to learn how to defend myself! Now, do your job, sir! Every one of you in this class is heavily armed right now.
That's right.
Your key chain, your fists that huge engagement ring.
Are you sure you're in the right class? This is women's self-defense.
Please, Miss.
All the other courses are full.
I'm sorry.
It's for women only.
We're trying to maintain a certain comfort level here.
But I hate men as much as you.
I don't hate men! I just hate being a victim! I hate being a victim, too.
Look, I was at a girls' slumber party last night when three men pushed me to the ground and made me eat dirt! My.
Okay, you can stay.
Now, grab a whistle and prepare to be empowered! Most women who are attacked are subdued by verbal threats.
Today, we're going to get used to hearing these threats keeping our cool, and practicing some responses of our own to the most vulnerable areas of a man's anatomy.
- Shut up and give me your purse! - I don't know you! That's my purse! Okay.
I want everybody to try it.
You first.
See? I don't hate men.
- Give me your purse.
Now! - That's my purse.
Don't be afraid to shout it.
That's my purse! Try it again.
That's my purse! I don't know you! All right.
What did you get for number five on the test? - "D.
" - "D"? I thought you wrote "B.
" Booby.
Connie, when you kiss this loser, do you still taste dirt? No.
Not anymore.
Jerk! You asked her about the dirt, she answered.
- I don't think we have any more business.
- Don't smart-mouth me, Hill! Get away from me! Get away from me.
- Come on, eat some dirt! - Let go of my purse! I don't know you! Who's next? Mom! Dad! Chang was waiting for me after school! Did you remember to tell him that inside every bully there's a coward? That's okay, Peggy.
I don't see any blood.
No dirt.
You ran away, didn't you? No.
I stayed and fought! And I won! This is so much cooler than getting beat up! Well, all right, Son! You know, that Chang Wassanasong must know all kinds of Oriental martial arts.
And you beat him with good old American YMCA know-how.
Yeah, we're all excited.
But before you get too carried away I should let you know that I got detention tomorrow.
Detention for beating up a bully? I'd say somebody's earned himself a trip to a PG-13-rated movie.
My dad says that whenever you're in a jail-type situation the best way to survive is to take out the biggest guy there.
That way, you establish who's boss right from the get-go.
Or you can hang yourself with your pants.
He says that's another way to go.
Which one of you guys is the tallest? That's my purse! I don't know you! It's the metal-shop kids.
If they hassle us, just run.
They won't be able to catch us because they smoke.
Bobby! Play any kickball today? - Why? You up for a game? - Just saying hi.
Just saying hi.
Why are they scared? You didn't kick another person in the groin, did you? Three people! I didn't go looking for trouble.
Trouble came a-knocking and Bobby Hill's foot answered the door.
You know, Bobby I kind of liked it better when you used to play dead or joked your way out of a tight spot.
I'm sorry.
What were you saying? Tony Zamarti is wide open right now.
Peters! You giving my friend here a hard time? Back off.
This is none of your business, Bobby.
- I'm making it my business, Peters.
- What are you gonna do? You gonna kick me in the nads? Am I going to do it? Yes.
When am I gonna do it? Don't know.
Could be tomorrow Now! One thing you'll find out about me, Clark is that I'm not a very patient person.
I wish I'd called you folks here under pleasanter circumstances.
But I'm afraid your son's been caught fighting again on the school grounds.
First of all, my son was just defending himself.
Second of all, I do consider these pleasant circumstances.
Emily, send Bobby in.
Bobby, you want to tell your parents how you won your fight? - Which one? The one against Chang? - Sure.
Okay.
There I was standing in front of Chang.
It didn't look good.
I mean, let's face it.
He's faster and stronger than me.
So, if I was gonna beat this guy, I had to act fast.
- Smart thinking, Son.
- So, I faked to my left.
But he got ahold of me and knocked me down.
Down but not out.
I yelled, "Let go of my purse," at the top of my lungs.
Then, with all my might I kicked him as hard as I could in his testicles.
What? Tell your parents about the Clark Peters fight.
- So, there I was standing-- - Ju-just skip to the end of the fight.
You mean before or after I kicked him in the testicles? Bobby, l Where in the heck did you learn to do that? At the women's self-defense course I signed up for at the Y.
Women's self-defense? What did I do? It was your idea to send him to the Y in the first place! So, I could point the finger at you! But I won't.
But I could.
I'm afraid we're gonna have to suspend Bobby from school for a couple of days.
Hank, can--can I talk to you alone? I mean, not as principal-to-parent, but, you know, man-to-man.
Sure.
You can't have your boy going around kicking people in their testicles.
I know that, Carl.
This, Bobby, is the belt line.
You never ever hit below that.
Always above.
Never below.
Cassius Clay never hit below the belt.
But, Dad, if I'm in a fight with someone who wants me to literally eat dirt you're telling me I shouldn't do the one thing that's gonna save me.
Boom! You learned a move in a woman's self-defense class.
- You are not a woman.
- But it works.
Son, I'm gonna show you how to fight above the belt.
Here.
They're my old YMCA gloves.
Put them on.
Okay.
Now, Bobby, just to warn you you're probably gonna have to take a couple of shots before you learn how to protect yourself properly.
Now, get your gloves up like this.
Good.
Keep your hands up, Bobby, and move a little.
Don't just stand there like a pole.
Come on.
Come on.
Come on.
You're not moving.
I am too! I'm backing away from you! Come on, from side to side, Son.
Like this.
See? Come on.
Come on.
Here we go.
Okay.
Okay, now try to hit me with a punch, as hard as you can.
Come on.
You leave your face open, you're gonna get popped.
See? See? Pop? Pop? See? You left yourself open, Dad.
Pop, pop.
You have been kicked in the testicles.
I palpated the left teste and everything checks out.
There's gonna be quite a bit of swelling for a few days.
- What about the other one? - We can't find it right now.
No, no need to panic, though! I'm sure it's there.
It'll probably make an appearance when the swelling goes down.
Man, lie still, man.
You know, don't try to move, man, because Kicking all them nuts, man.
Let alone testicles.
Don't move, man.
Dad, I--I thought maybe you'd like some ice cream.
I'm sorry about what happened.
- But when you hit me in the nose-- - You mean the nose above your belt? If I remember correctly and your shot below my belt hasn't affected my memory I was teaching you how to fight above the belt.
It was the way I learned how to defend myself.
By kicking me in my fellas? Dirty pool, Mister.
Dirty pool.
Now, let's discuss your punishment.
Punishment? For what? You told me to go to the Y and learn to defend myself and I did! No television, no video games, and no ice cream until further notice.
- That's not fair! You can't do that! - I'll tell you what I can't do.
Sleep on my stomach! But I can sure as heck punish you.
Bill, toss me a beer.
I have to take my anti-coagulant.
I live in constant fear of the day Joseph finally can take down his old man.
If I were him, I'd do it while I was sleeping.
Best chance he's got.
Although, I've recently learned how to sleep with my eyes open.
God, am I tired! How I wish I had a son to kick me in the nuts.
Be careful what you wish for.
Yeah.
I promise you Bobby's sorry he ever did that.
Right now he's out back pulling weeds.
No gloves, no weasel.
Ragweed for m'lady.
Where have you been? Word in the halls is you got suspended for kicking Principal Moss in the crotch.
What? No.
That's crazy.
I kicked my dad in the crotch.
You kicked your father? We all have those feelings, Bobby but you never act on them.
I heard what you did to Chang Wassanasong.
Unforgivable.
Then I heard what you did to your father.
Very funny.
So, I'm conflicted.
My dad didn't think it was funny.
So he's given me a million chores to do.
What? The old man punishing you? You don't have to take that from him.
Till he can get up from that chair, you the boss! That better not be what I think it is.
And I think it's a Game Boy.
Is it a Game Boy? Yeah, Dad.
It's a Game Boy.
That's a videogame.
I told you no videogames.
Give it to me.
- Hold on.
I'm almost done.
- Now.
- In a minute.
- If you don't bring that to me right now-- In a minute.
In a minute.
Get back here! God, the pain is unbearable! All right, Mister, you've got one minute.
Dang it, Bobby! It has been at least a minute.
- You started a new game, didn't you? - Yes.
- We had a deal! - Hank, what is going on? I'm punishing Bobby.
I'm not gonna ask you again.
Give me that goddang videogame.
Not now.
I'm dealing with a giant spider here.
Bobby Hill, you give your father that game and you do it right now! That's okay.
I got it under control.
He's gonna give me the game.
Soon.
Soon.
I'm almost bored with it.
- Why don't you go inside? I'll find you later.
- Come on.
- Hand it over! - Mom, this is between Dad and me.
And I'll give him the Game Boy when I decide I'm ready to.
That is it! I would not let a stranger, let alone my own son think for one second that they can get away with showing any disrespect towards the man that I love! You do that, and you have to deal with Peggy Hill! What are you doing, Mom? What are you doing? - Come on, Mom.
Don't.
- Game over, Bobby! Come on.
That's it! Come on! Show me what you got! Give me that Game Boy! Give me that No! Clever little Got you! Come to Mama.
That's right.
And I have Yeah! That's mine! Give it back! In a minute.
That's my purse! That's right, Bobby.
I believe you will find that I have no testicles.
- Where's your secret weapon now? - She bluffing! Finish her! I'm sorry, Mom.
It was a reflex.
Mom, okay! I said I was sorry! All right, Peggy, let him go.
Dinner in 10.
I guess next time you won't try to take on your old man.
What are you so proud about? You had to get Mom to fight your battle for you.
That's worse than me kicking below the belt.
Yeah.
It's not so fun when someone doesn't fight fair, is it? Just remember I can get her to do that any time I want.
Peggy? Is there a problem out there, Hank? We'll be right in.
Now, go wash up.
Okay, deep breath.
That's my purse! I doi't kiow you!