Mike & Molly s06e01 Episode Script

Oh.
Sorry I'm late.
Bit of a hectic morning.
Although, sometimes when, uh, people are in conflict and they're left alone together, they tend to work things out themselves.
Okeydoke.
Let's jump right in, then.
Uh, I understand there's some tension between the two of you.
Uh, Biggs, you want to tell us what's the matter? Actually, why don't you let her talk first? You'll find out what the problem is pretty quick.
I didn't come here to be insulted.
I came to be vindicated.
So you know what? I will start.
You know why this relationship went wrong? 'Cause my supposed best friend turned his back on me in my time of need.
Your entire life is a time of need.
See what he does? Just pecks away at my self-esteem.
Then I start thinking that I'm the problem.
You are the problem.
Okay, okay.
Now, Biggs, I'm hearing a lot of anger from you.
See? You're the problem.
Check and mate.
No, we're not done here yet.
All right, then just check.
Look, I was ready to put all this behind us until he bailed on me and requested a new partner.
Well, that's because you bailed on me as a friend.
Time after time, you put everyone else first.
Hey, I was a great friend.
Until you weren't.
Carl, what do you want from me? An apology would be nice.
You made me feel like I was nothing to you.
Okay, fine.
Carl, if I made you feel that way, I'm sorry.
Apology not accepted.
What?! Well, I got what I want.
You admitted you were wrong.
I didn't admit anything! Well, then why'd you apologize? Your Honor, I rest my case.
And let the record show that he can kiss my ass! Boy, he is a bit of a drama queen, isn't he? Why couldn't you say that when he was in here? I don't like conflict.
La, la-ba-dee-da La, la-ba-dee-da For the first time in my life I see love I see love For the first time in my life I see love Mom, please close your robe.
Oh, relax.
I was just saying hi to the new neighbors.
Look, Peggy, we wrote a book.
We have to publicize it.
You can't just keep blowing me off.
Uh-huh.
Now, I may not be that religious, but I happen to know there's no such thing as Ash Monday.
Okay.
Radio station, tomorrow.
Just be there.
She's not gonna be there.
Who cares? Just do the interview yourself.
I can't.
It's her story.
Which you had to listen to hour after hour and somehow make sense of.
Yeah, you've earned this spotlight.
She may have been abused by an alcoholic father on a run-down farm, but you're the one who suffered.
You know, you're not wrong.
Sometimes with Peggy, less is more.
I mean, she's like the shark in Jaws.
Or at least that's the music I hear when she's coming toward me.
Why are all the neighbor kids standing on the lawn? They're perverts.
How'd it go with Carl? Total waste of time.
I don't know what I ever saw in Carl.
Preach.
Right? I mean, what kind of person doesn't accept an apology? The same kind of person that likes to watch you pop balloons with nothing on but high heels.
Okay.
You have you have different Carl issues.
No.
No, she doesn't.
He's selfish as a lover and a friend.
Okay, come on.
You know you guys are gonna work it out.
And if it doesn't happen in therapy, just grab a bag of balloons.
You know what he likes.
That's very funny.
But I don't need him anymore because I got my best friend right here.
Aw.
Mwah! My pal! Best buddies, huh? Yeah.
That has got to stop.
What? I-I can't keep doing this best-friend thing.
The other day, he called me "dude.
" Was it during? It was right after but before the high five.
I thought you can't smoke in bars anymore.
It's a cop bar.
You can do what you want.
Laws do not apply.
So everybody in here is a cop? Yeah, pretty much.
I mean, it's a place where we can unwind, let our guard down and just be with our own.
Like a gay bar.
No.
Are you kidding? There's nothing gay about these guys.
I mean, just look at all the leather jackets and the mustaches.
My mistake.
Boy, ten years I tied myself to that jackass.
You know I put off taking the sergeant's exam so I wouldn't leave Carl behind? Who knows where I'd be if I never met him, you know? Sergeant? Lieutenant? Captain? So you gonna shoot for that now? Ah, it's too late.
He took my youth.
Uh-oh.
Speak of the devil.
Oh, unbelievable.
You want to take off? I got as much right to be here as he has.
Hey, Mike.
Samuel.
I thought we agreed you get the diner, I get The Nightstick.
Nightstick? And you're sure this isn't a gay bar? No big deal either way.
I just like to know before I go to the john.
Look, I'm not gonna be told where I can and cannot go in this city.
Oh, yeah? Well, that's too bad, 'cause I got one more suggestion where you can go.
Oh, I was already in that hell for ten years, sitting in our squad car.
I'm sorry the captain ever forced me to ride with you.
What are you talking about? Nobody else wanted any part of you, because you're an annoying motormouth that nobody can stand.
You weren't a partner; You were a punishment.
Okay, okay.
Let's relax.
Have a drink.
If-if you want to smoke, I can bum a cigarette off Freddie Mercury over here.
You call yourself a police officer? Look at you.
You're sloppy.
You're out of shape.
You're a danger to anybody that's partnered up with you.
You're not a cop; You're a liability.
All right, we're done.
No, I'll say when we're done, and we're done.
I said it first.
Well, I meant it more.
Whew.
I've never been to a gay bar before.
It's nice, right? Welcome to Novel Thoughts with Allison Gutierrez-Cohen.
I'm Allison Gutierrez-Cohen.
Under the Shadow of the Mountain is an unflinching memoir of Peggy Biggs, a spirited farm girl who uses love to escape the abusive bonds of her father.
Unfortunately, Peggy Biggs couldn't be with us.
So, sitting in is co-author Molly Flynn.
Welcome, Molly.
Hello, Allison.
It is a plea-sure to be here.
In the book Yes.
Peggy is such a vibrant character.
Mm-hmm.
Being allowed into her process Mmm.
what a privilege.
Yeah.
You say privilege, I say potato.
Writing has always been intrinsic to my being.
And I would hate to be the one to say a gift given by God, but I I do have to thank someone.
I'm sorry, what was your question again? I didn't ask one yet.
Wonderful.
Wonderful We writers are always seeking the question that has not yet been asked.
So I hope that does answer your question.
Still haven't asked one.
Fantastic.
Let's go to those phones.
We don't take calls.
May I make a call? You know, I just want to say my old partner really did a number on me, so if I do call you Mike by accident, don't take offense.
I'm fully committed to us.
Listen, why don't we cut to the chase and deal with the elephant in the room? What's the problem, Mike? Oh Aw, geez.
Didn't think I'd do it that soon.
Don't get me wrong, I'm very open-minded.
I like you people.
I hope you're talking about Scorpios.
Whatever it is you're calling yourselves these days.
I don't mind it.
Believe me, I came this close to voting for Obama.
Oh And who doesn't love Michael Jordan? He's one of the good ones.
I mean, I don't think I want the man living next door to me.
It's not him, mind you.
It's the people he brings around.
Who, Scottie Pippen? The point is I'm okay with all this mixing of the races.
As long as it's not next door.
Exactly.
I'm glad we're on the same page.
Ooh, that's gonna stain.
Glad you weren't wearing your white sheet.
Oh, don't be upset about it, honey.
Nobody listens to NPR.
Well, nobody I know.
No, I haven't met my new partner.
From what I hear, she's a real-deal cop.
Very professional.
Yes, I brought her the cookies.
Yeah, but I want to play it cool.
Maybe I'll give 'em to her around snack time.
Oh, here she comes.
I got to go.
Biggs.
Stoltz.
Listen, if this partnership's gonna work, we got to lay down a few ground rules.
Boundaries.
I like you already.
Sorry.
First off, I keep a clean vehicle.
This is a squad car, not a lunchroom.
No eating.
Got it.
However, I do have low blood sugar.
I-I can step outside to have my string cheese.
Second, let's keep it professional.
You don't bitch about your wife, I don't bitch about mine.
You mean husband.
You don't mean husband.
You got a problem with that? Nope.
I'm very open-minded.
Came this close to voting for Obama.
Hey, where's the shotgun? Oh, it's in the trunk.
It's safer that way.
For who? The dirtbags rolling up on us? Unbelievable.
Molly, it's not a good time.
I'll call you at lunch.
If we get a lunch.
She's kind of mean.
Want to secure that in your cookie holder? I'm sorry, I did not know the rules yet.
Need some help? No, I do not.
And just so we're clear, I've been on the force a lot longer than you, and I know what I'm doing, so don't talk down to me like I'm some rookie, you got it? Got it.
Good.
Yeah, it's, uh, still not a good time.
Mike, you're gonna be late.
I'm taking a sick day.
Maybe a sick month.
Come on, the longer yo avoid going into work, it's just gonna get worse.
They're calling me "Moonroof Mike.
" Oh, that's nice, real nice.
What? It's cute.
It means they like you.
You're one of the gang.
Well, most of them won't even make eye contact with me.
You know what that is? That's a sign of respect.
At least it is with gorillas.
Not helping.
I think that somebody needs one of my special stories.
I don't, I don't.
Yeah, you do.
Roll over.
Okay.
The year was 1989.
There was a young ambitious girl and a summer job at Peps Tacos.
Now, was this girl the youngest assistant manager ever to work for the franchise? Yes, she was, but that's not what we're talking Just tell it.
All right.
I was closing up one night.
I left a cup under the soda machine.
It ran until morning.
Do you know what they called me? Called me "Bubbles.
" Did it hurt? Yeah, you bet.
Okay, did I lay in bed all day? No, sirree.
I got up, and I marched in there, and I told them that Charlene was pregnant, and they forgot all about me.
Hmm? Oh, so-so what you're saying is you spilled some soda, and I almost killed my partner, and that's the same thing.
Okay, I tried.
You're gonna stay home, you got to do the grocery shopping.
And I need tampons.
Aw, dude! Okay, you win.
I cannot do these interviews alone.
That's for damn sure.
I don't know how you did it, but you managed to be too boring for NPR.
She should have let me take callers.
I need an audience to feed off their energy.
You'll get 'em next time.
Or not.
Who cares? What is your problem? We published a book about your life.
I mean, doesn't it mean anything to you? It means the world to me.
Well, then go out there and talk about it.
This is supposed to be the fun part.
Why can't you just enjoy it? Let me tell you how God works.
He sees you loving life a little too much, he'll find a way to humble you.
Might be a flat tire, might be a tumor, but it's coming.
So-so what, you're just never gonna enjoy anything ever again? Mm, haven't yet.
"Pride goeth before the fall.
" Good times will keep on rolling as long as I'm miserable.
Okay Okay.
I know what's going on here.
Somebody needs one of my special stories.
This one's about a little girl who suffered a lifetime's worth of misery.
But she's been punished enough, okay? The pride didn't cometh before the fall.
I think the fall wenteth before the pride.
In the story, you're the little girl.
You're even worse in person than you are on the radio.
Really? 'Cause in here I'm killing it.
Hey, there you are, Biggs, just in time for the ceremony.
What ceremony? Oh, you didn't hear? You're being honored.
Marksmanship award.
All right, let's get this over with.
Congratulations.
That was a clean shooting.
That roof was coming at you.
You had no choice.
Congratulations, Moonroof.
All right, everybody get their shots in.
Oh, should we do that here or in your car? That's great.
Everybody's so funny.
All right, look, I've had enough of this.
Let's get out of here.
Uh, don't take this the wrong way, Biggs, but I already talked to the captain.
I'm not riding with you anymore.
What are you talking about? It was an accident.
I told you we should have kept the shotgun in the trunk.
You tell her, Moonroof.
Shut up.
Look, Biggs, out there I need a partner who's gonna watch my back, not accidentally shoot me in it.
Fine.
Don't be my partner.
I'm sure I can find someone who'll ride with me.
Really? Show of hands who wants to ride shotgun with Biggs? I will.
Carl, you-you don't have to do this.
Just let me talk.
This man is the best cop in here.
Maybe not by the standards of physical fitness or personal hygiene.
But when you talk about heart, integrity, loyalty there's no better partner.
I can think of one.
We had some good times, huh? Great times.
You really want to try it again? We're gonna have to go to couples' counseling.
I'm okay with that.
What made you change your mind? Been riding around with Mississippi Burning all day.
I get it.
Mine's got something against cookies.
Boy, there's a lot of hate in the world.
This is Author's Notes with Robert Castle.
I'm Robert Castle.
With us today are Molly Flynn and Peggy Biggs, the co-authors of the devastating memoir Under the Shadow of the Mountain.
Our pleasure, Robert.
Why are you talking like that? I don't know.
It just happens.
So, about the book.
I think what I found most powerful were the feminist themes you touched on.
I don't know what that's NPR code for, but we both like men.
Hey, while we're here, how the hell do I get off your pledge list? I gave five bucks eight years ago because I liked your tote bag.
You've been hounding me ever since.
That's more a question for our subscription department.
Well, if they're listening, take me off your damn list.
I know where your offices are now.
It'd be a shame if something happened to all them commie electric cars parked out front.
Under the Shadow of the Mountain is available anywhere that books are sold.
I remember buying my first book.
I, uh, I guess I've always been attracted to the written word.
If-if there were books, I was a-readin', and if, uh I'm sorry, what was your question? I didn't ask one.
Wonderful.