Rules of Engagement s06e01 Episode Script

How is the French toast? So good you'll think you're in Paris.
Really? Look, this is a diner.
We got an ex-con back there slinging three-day-old bread on a dirty grill.
How's the French toast She is not a fan of yours.
She's jumping on the bandwagon.
We've been there since the beginning.
Friends, Mr.
Dunbar is right behind me.
Oh, please do yourselves a favor and ask him how his cruise went.
Hey, if it isn't the cast of "cirque du so lame.
" Hey.
So how was your cruise? Great! How are you guys? That's the important thing.
Oh, how is the new job going? Wait, sir Are you sure there's nothing more you wish to share about your high seas adventure? Uh, oh, yeah.
Ran into someone I used to know.
It's actually no big deal.
Hmm Well, hello there, youngish lady.
Well, hello, Russell.
Oh, for sake! Liz? God, what a small world.
It's not that small.
Liz fits in it.
Anyway, so that's my story.
Hmm, is it? Nothing else happened of note? I told you this in confidence.
You could be fired for this.
I've long since given up on that fantasy.
You know, if you're not going to tell it, I'd be more than happy to-- no, no, no.
Fine, fine, fine, fine.
I got it.
Okay, um, after a couple of mango-ritas, uh Liz and I got into a classical nautical argument which there's only one way to solve.
You were right, lover.
It was the motion of the ocean.
You see, the size of the ship has nothing to do with it.
Prove it to me again, sailor.
Oh.
Permission to come aboard? Granted.
Oh, no thanks.
Can you wrap mine to go, please? Just throw mine away.
Well, that's the end of my story.
Is it? Is there not just a skosh more? You know how sometimes you say something you really don't mean? Oh, I do.
I now pronounce you man and wife.
Rules Of Engagement S06E01 "Dirty Talk" Subtitulos.
es == DIFUNDE LA PALABRA == I only wish I could have been there to give you away.
So you are married.
To Liz.
Our upstairs neighbor, Liz.
With seven cats.
All of whose names are on her outgoing message.
Yeah, I mean but listen.
We were so drunk, it's not like it's real.
There's my hubby.
Look what you bought me.
Here's the receipt.
Congratulations, Liz.
I'm sure you'll be very something.
Oh, yes, and we're going to have so much fun double-dating now that we've each bagged our bucks.
Okay Not here.
The guy who mops up the vomit.
You might want to keep him on standby.
Liz, we had fun on that cruise.
That was a great time.
But this whole marriage thing.
That's--that's just a goof, right? You mean a beautiful goof that will join our lives together 'til the end of time? I actually meant the other kind of goof.
Anyway, I was just at the dmv getting a new license.
Notice anything? That you lost 20 pounds while you were there? No, this.
Ah.
You took Mr.
Dunbar's name.
Yep.
Elizabeth kornblatt-Dunbar.
Wow, three names.
I'm like Catherine Zeta-Jones.
In what way, exactly? LMAO, Jeff.
Anyway, I've got an ingrown toenail that needs excavating.
So I will swing by your officina for lunch.
Okay.
Soul mate.
Meow, meow, meow I cannot believe that Russell and Liz got married.
I know.
It's hard to figure out who loses more.
Should we get her something? Like some kind of basket? Of what? Antibiotics and ointments? Hey, Audrey.
Just going roof-side, do some reading, catch some rays.
What're you reading? Um busted.
I'll see you later.
Jeff leaves, all I get is a fist bump and a warning to avoid the bathroom for a while.
Well, Adam and I have only been together for a couple of years.
Oh, no, Jeff and I were only together about six months before he started bringing food into the bed.
Ooh, like whipped cream and stuff? No, like a hoagie.
One more thing for him to finish before me.
You know what works for us? Talking dirty.
Does Jeff do that? God, no.
He's way too repressed.
Although one time he did say some pretty nasty things when his hoagie rolled onto the floor.
Hey.
Hey.
Whatcha doing? Watchin' the tube, thinking about having a hoagie.
I have an idea that might make you re-think that hoagie.
You wanna order up some wings? No.
I thought maybe we'd fool around.
Really? Why not? I don't know.
You're usually the keeper of the reasons "why not.
" And maybe when we're doing this, you could uh you know Say some things.
What kind of things? You know, things about what we're doing.
Oh, you mean like sex talk.
Yeah.
Well You know that I'm not much of a talker.
So, how 'bout we do our thing.
And then afterwards we can have a brief q & a.
Come on.
Let's mix it up a little, it might be fun.
All right, hey, I guess I could give this a shot.
All right.
All right Here comes the sex talk.
Yeah, bring it.
I'm doing a little bit of work up here on these.
As I'm sure you can attest.
Yes, Jeff.
I can attest.
By the way, you can loosen your grip.
They're not going to run away.
Got it, well, the plan is to do a little more work up here.
And then I'm gonna pack it up, head down South.
Head down South? Well, if north is your head.
No, no, I get it.
I get it.
Maybe you can, you know, be a little more specific.
Roger that.
My right hand is on your right breast.
Well, my right, your left, but I Okay.
- What? - That was a fun experiment.
That's wasn't what you wanted? No, no, nobody wants that.
All right.
- Would it be all right - Yes, go ahead.
Hey.
What the hell happened to you, braveheart? Well, I was tanning on the roof and I fell asleep on one side.
Stupid sun.
Not sure it's the sun that comes off as stupid.
I'm just gonna tan the other side, even everything out.
Solid plan.
Let me ask you something.
Do you ever talk dirty to Jen? Oh, yeah.
All the time.
Must be where Audrey got it.
Last night she asked for dirty talk.
From you? Well, how'd it go? Not well.
What do you say? Oh, man, you say all kinds of things, you know? I mean, I tell Jen what I'm about to do to her.
And then I want her to tell me what she's gonna do to me.
Using adult language.
Yeah, yeah, man.
She loves it.
Of course she does.
She's filthy.
But Audrey is my wife.
She's going to be the mother of my child.
Okay, Jeff, you gotta get over that.
All right, she obviously wants it.
Just say the dirtiest things that come to your mind.
Seriously? Yeah, dude.
Dude, the filthier the better.
Filthier the better, I'll give it a try.
Okay, hey, try it right now.
Pretend that I'm Audrey.
Okay Hey, Audrey, why is your face two different colors, you dumbass? Go into your office.
Why? Just go.
Oh, hello, man of mine.
Hey What's that? What does is it look like, silly? It's a provocative photo of your wife and kids.
I need to lie down.
Well, make it quick.
I've got a honey-do list that's longer than my left boob.
You know about that, right? Well, no.
Anyway, I'd love to stay, but tiffy's at the vet with volcanic diarrhea.
That was a fun cab ride.
So as they say in Australia, good day Mate! Timmy, you got to use your giant brain and find me a way out of this.
I don't know how, sir.
I believe once a marriage has been consummated, it's legally binding.
Wait a second.
Wait a second, it hasn't been consummated.
You said you bumped uglies on the boat.
Though, with the two of you that very well could mean kissing.
I know we did it before the marriage, but after the ceremony we both passed out.
There's my loophole.
Where're you going, sir? To end this marriage.
It's gonna be tough on the children.
But I'm sure they'll land on their feet.
Ah, it's a shame no one was around to hear that.
Ah, yes, mm-hmm.
What's going on? Well, I was just thinking we could give that sexy talk another shot.
Really? 'Cause last night you seemed kinda uncomfortable with it.
Caught me off guard, I've regrouped, I'm ready to take another run.
Okay.
Why don't you give me a little preview.
Sure, and I'd like to start by saying that you, my lady, are a What? Oh, you like that.
No, God, no.
I hate that word.
Every woman hates that word.
It was the filthiest thing I could think of.
Adam told me to go super dirty.
Adam? You took advice from a man who was outsmarted by the sun? You know what, just forget it.
We'll just go back to the pawing and the grunting all leading up to the hoagie eating.
Hey, you are the one who said you wanted me to talk dirty.
Jeff, I meant fun, sexy dirty.
Not misogynist with tourette's dirty.
Hello, Liz.
I think we need to talk.
You're late for dinner, honey.
We waited as long as we could.
Oh, yuck.
Kids Can mommy and daddy have a moment? Liz, um I'll get right to the point.
I'd like an annulment.
No, you can't do that.
Actually, I can.
Uh, there's a loophole.
And it turns out if the marriage hasn't been consummated, it can be annulled.
Oh This is a lot take in.
I'm gonna make myself some tea.
Liz I'm sorry.
I know this is hitting you pretty hard.
But I just think that-- whoa.
Penny for your thoughts.
Oh, I know what you're doing here.
It's not going to work.
Sorry.
We need another loophole.
Oh, sir.
I just I lose all control around an attractive woman.
Uh, and how does that apply to Liz? Sir, that's my wife you're speaking-- eh, you're right.
You're right.
She looks like a potato balanced on two bratwursts.
But damn it, there's something about that woman.
Sir I realize you're attracted to her in what seems like a very oktoberfest kind of way.
But for God's sake just talk to her.
I'm sure she'll be reasonable if you tell her firmly and decisively that you want out.
Yeah You know what, you're right.
That'll work.
That'll work as long as I can resist having sex with her.
You can do it, sir.
Of course I can.
Just in case, I'll pound one out in the cab on the way over.
Look, I'm sorry for what I said, I just--I love you.
If this dirty talk is something you want, I want to do it.
You really don't have to.
But I want to, you sexy piece of wife.
All right, I see you're not going to let this go.
One last try.
Great.
Maybe you could help us get started.
Okay.
Just take a deep breath and just try to let go, okay? There you go.
What about this? You are so damn sexy.
Mm, good.
What else? Mm Well No, no, no, just whatever comes into your head.
Just say it.
There's no way in hell your parents are staying with us this Christmas.
Russell? That's right, it's me.
Why are you wearing a sleep mask? Because, Liz, I came here to lay down the law, and I don't want any of your visual distractions.
Well, that's a shame.
I just got back from tar- Jay, and I'm rocking a sheer top and a sensible new brassiere.
Really? Nope! No, I've gotta be strong.
And here's the deal.
Liz, I don't want to be married to you any more.
And I'm sorry, I know that stings.
But I want you to grant me a divorce right now.
No, no, the lamp stays here.
What're you talking about? I was just talking to the movers.
Now go on, what were you saying? I'm saying I'm putting my foot down.
This is a sham, obviously we made a mistake-- what movers? You're moving where? In with my hubby, silly.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
No, no, no.
No, no, guys, no one's moving anywhere.
This has gone on long enough.
Listen-- oh, that is sheer.
You, uh Give my best to the missus.
Again, I'm sorry about the other night.
The thing about your parents just slipped out.
Is that really what's on your mind when we're having sex? Well, to be honest, sometimes I think about your parents to make it last longer.
Seriously, I don't get the appeal of talking during sex.
Well, I guess it's not for everyone.
But Jen and Adam seem to like it.
My God, you look like a lobster.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
In what way? All right, just come here and let me put some aloe on it.
No, no, no, no, touching it is going to hurt.
I'm in so much pain already.
Don't be such a baby.
It's supposed to cool you down.
Ah! Stop! Stop.
That hurts like hell.
Ah! Be careful! Stop squirming! Just shut up and take it! Just do it fast.
It really hurts.
Well, if you don't relax, it'll hurt even more.
Tomorrow, you won't be able to walk.
I don't get it either.
Jim!