Frasier s06e02 Episode Script

Oh, thank you.
That was a very childish prank.
Now you have ruined my coffee.
If you can't behave like adults, you shouldn't be coming to a grown-up cafe.
It wasn't us.
Aren't you gonna yell at them? I'm sure they already heard me yell at you.
Niles, thank you for agreeing to meet me on such short notice.
I swear I'm in full-blown crisis.
If you're talking about that garish belt, I have emergency suspenders.
It's not the belt.
My high school reunion is tonight and you know my history.
- Oh, not this folderol again.
- It's not folderol.
- It's folderol.
- It's not folderol at all.
For God's sake, Niles.
Every time my reunion comes around, it coincides with a severe downturn in my life.
Five years ago, Lilith divorced me.
Five years before that, I was left at the altar.
Five years before that, I fell face first into the poison ivy.
And here we are, right on schedule, I'm freshly fired.
I still don't know why you even went that poison-ivy year.
Niles, the point is, in ten minutes, I have an extremely important job interview, a job for which I am eminently qualified, but that now I have no chance of getting.
Well, how can you know that? Because destiny won't allow it.
Destiny's plan is for me to walk into that reunion this evening the way I always do, the class loser.
Pitied and shunned by everyone until I wind up sitting with the most pathetic people there.
You mean, the chess club? Worse.
The chess club's barbershop quartet.
Oh, the Check Mates.
I swear to God, I feel like I have a curse on my head.
Frasier, you're a man of science.
You know curses don't exist.
There's a perfectly rational explanation for all of this.
You tripped and fell into the poison ivy.
Your radio station changed formats.
Your wife didn't love you.
If this is a pep talk, would you kindly segue to the peppy part? Thank you very much.
Thank you.
The only reason you're giving credence to this curse mumbo-jumbo is you're nervous about your job interview.
But you're a talented professional.
Any station would be lucky to have you, wouldn't they? - Yes, I suppose.
- So stop doubting yourself.
You deserve that job, so go out there and get it.
In an hour's time, it'll be yours, and after a short trip to the store to return that belt, you can thoroughly enjoy your reunion.
Well, you're right, Niles.
I should think positively.
This interview is gonna go just fine, and so is this evening.
All I have to do now is get a date.
Where am I gonna find a woman who is so desperate for an evening out that she'd agree to go to someone else's reunion? Oh, hey, Frasier.
See? Your luck's changing already.
Hello.
Excuse me, I'm looking for Steven Rugly's office.
- Well, you've come to the right place.
- Oh, splendid.
Is it possible to fetch me a coffee before my interview? - Well - Better yet, make it a cup of chamomile tea with a squirt of lemon and a full teaspoonful of honey.
We'll try to get that for you just as soon as my assistant gets back.
I'm Steven Rugly, president of KJMC.
Oh, Lord, I'm It's nice to meet you.
- I'm terribly sorry.
- Quite all right, Dr.
Crane.
- It's a great suit, by the way.
- Thank you.
- Your - I know.
It's a bit risky.
People have been commenting on it all day.
Yes, it makes a bold statement, but frankly, I like the attention.
I cut through the park on the way over here.
It caught the eye of many a young lady.
Oh, my God.
My fly.
I thought you were talking about my belt.
Well, shall we start the interview? Oh, good.
We haven't started yet.
Well I'm glad you could make it, Dr.
Crane.
I've enjoyed your work.
Oh, that's very gracious of you, Mr.
Ugly.
- That didn't come out right, did it? - What do you mean? The way I said your name right now sounded like I called you Mr.
Ugly.
I assure you it won't happen again.
See, it's just a matter of separating the Rs.
Mr.
Rug.
Mr.
Rug.
Mr.
Rug.
Ly.
Mr.
Rugly.
Anyway, I think you might be a good fit here.
We need to find a replacement for Dr.
Wendy.
- Really? - Yes.
I didn't feel it was right to keep her on any longer.
Well, let me say I applaud your judgement on that score.
I mean, frankly, Dr.
Wendy's saccharine style is maybe very popular, but, you know, really not up to your standards, is it? Dr.
Wendy's my mother.
- She's quite ill.
- Oh, well - Can I interrupt? - Oh, please.
You have some messages.
- Excuse me for a moment.
- Of course.
- Mr.
Jameson has to cancel.
- Oh, very well.
Why don't you call Phyllis Monderer and see if she can reschedule? Don't forget to pick up my car from the shop.
I already did.
It's across the street.
Some idiot parked his BMW in your space.
- Well, have it towed.
- I already made the call.
And can you call Walter Hecht and see if he can reschedule for Wednesday? - Dr.
Crane? - Yes.
We don't have any tea, but would you like some coffee? Oh, that would be splendid.
Yes, thank you.
- Everything all right? - Yes, just fine, thank you.
- What's that? - Nothing.
- Is this the giraffe from my bookcase? - Yes, yes, it is.
I'm sorry.
I was admiring it.
It broke apart in my hands.
But if your child is anything like mine, he'd be delighted to make you a new one.
Actually, my father made it after his stroke.
Well, I think you've got enough to go on.
It was lovely meeting you.
I'm sorry, you know, I'm gonna have to dash if I'm gonna beat that tow truck.
Hold the elevator.
- Thanks.
- Hello, Dad.
Hi.
I'm never going to that grocery store across the street again.
They gave me such a hard time because I brought Eddie in.
Oh, well.
It's not exactly sanitary, Dad.
When they get rid of the guy with pinkeye who's handing out cheese samples, they can talk to me about sanitary.
Wait a minute.
Didn't you bring home a case of dog food yesterday? Yeah, it was the economy stuff.
He wouldn't touch it, so I gotta take all this back.
This is his favourite kind.
Well, I guess what they say is true: Once you've tasted animal byproducts, you can't go back to the cheap stuff.
Hey, have you picked a restaurant for tonight? I've got a better idea than that.
My old precinct's having one of their seized-property auctions down at the fairgrounds.
- Oh, what's the better idea? - Oh, now, come on, Niles.
These drug dealers have some pretty nice stuff.
As much as I've been searching for a wide-brimmed, purple velvet hat, - it's really not my cup of tea.
- I'll tell you what.
We'll just go for a little while and then we'll come back here for dinner.
Am I glad you're home.
- What's wrong? - It's Dr.
Crane.
Since he came back from his job interview, he's seemed awfully depressed.
In fact, he's as bad as I've ever seen him.
- Oh, I guess it didn't go well? - I gather not.
He mumbled something about it being worse than the Dresden premiere of Schumann's 2nd Symphony.
And you left him alone? Where is he? He's in the kitchen.
Oh, my God! - Frasier, are you all right? - I was fine before you screamed.
- What the hell is wrong with you? - Daphne said you were depressed.
Here you are with your head in the oven.
I was cleaning it, Niles.
It's electric.
If I was going to end my life, I'd choose something quicker than broiling.
Sorry your interview didn't go well, Fras.
Oh, that's all right, Dad.
You know, things don't work out the way we'd like them to sometimes, much like my strict "no shopping carts in the apartment" policy.
Don't worry about it.
I'll take it back, but I need it to return all that cheap dog food.
I'm going to pick up cleaning supplies, I'll do it for you.
I thought you need to get ready for the reunion.
Oh, God, no.
I'm not going.
- Why? - Because I'm cursed.
If I wasn't convinced of it before today's interview, I am now.
You haven't even heard anything.
For all you know, you might've gotten it.
Believe me, Dad, I have a better chance of being crowned Miss Teen U.
S.
A.
Oh, dear God.
- Just how casual is this thing tonight? - Roz, I am so sorry.
I completely forgot to call and tell you that, well, we're not going.
Wait a second.
I found a babysitter at the last minute.
I got a new dress.
I got Miguel to do my hair, and I just spent the last hour listening to the Estée Lauder lady describe her bladder operation just so I could get a free makeover.
- And now you say we're not going? - Roz, I can't go.
You see, I have a curse on my head.
What curse? He thinks the Fates are conspiring to humiliate him at every reunion.
Come on, you don't really believe that, do you? All right, let's examine the evidence.
Daphne, will you assist me, please? This is my school newsletter.
"The Bryce Academy Crier.
" Which, coincidentally, was Frasier's nickname his first year there.
Just read it.
Scott Alexander.
What's he been up to? "Wife, kids, has his own computer-software business.
" Nancy Kearns.
"Mother of three, successful physician, has invented a drug that may aid in the treatment of cancer.
" Cure for cancer.
Won't they be green with envy when I trump them with this little story about my life? Frasier Crane, unattached, unemployed and living with his father.
He spends his days scrubbing his oven and is anxiously awaiting his upcoming tooth-cleaning.
Now, now, Frasier, everyone has ups and downs.
You know, for all we know, that cure for cancer didn't pan out either.
One can only hope, Dad.
I'll bet if you went in there with a sunny attitude, you'd have a good time.
You know, I tried sunny last time.
You know where it got me? Table 97, singing "Goodbye, My Coney Island Baby" with the Check Mates.
- Maybe this time will be different.
- That's the mistake I always make.
Thinking this year, it'll be different.
That I can beat the curse.
That's what the curse does.
It makes you think you can beat it, but you can't.
I'm sorry, Roz.
I apologize.
I will make this up to you someday.
Right now, I am going to go down to the store and run a little errand for my friend, Eddie.
Tonight, I'll be coming back home and spending the evening with Daphne, doing some light housework and listening to my brand-new book on tape: Depression, Anxiety and Death.
As read by the author himself, Stanislav Monk.
Now who's cursed? Excuse me, sir, there's a place to recycle those cans right over there.
Oh, I know.
On behalf of Mother Earth, I thank you.
That's the sort of person that drinks chocolate soda.
Come on, gotcha.
Frasier Crane? Yes.
Percy Williams.
Well, good to see you.
Suppose you're on your way to the reunion.
Yes.
Yes, I am.
Couldn't make it this year myself.
Little too much on my plate.
Things have gotten crazy.
I can see that.
Well, I heard you weren't on the radio.
Oh, you did? You know, my wife heads up a charity that helps get homeless people back on their feet.
Yes, I know.
The Boot Strap Foundation.
It's very popular in my circle.
You should call them.
They could help you.
Me? You know, this is very funny.
The shopping cart, the dog food.
I'm afraid you're suffering from the wrong impression.
Dog food? Oh, it's not mine.
It's my father's.
Call them, Frasier.
No, no.
Really, you're mistaken.
I'm not homeless.
I live in that luxury building right there, Number 1901.
- Frasier, please, take this.
- I don't need it.
I drive a BMW.
I collect African art.
You always were a proud one.
- I'm not proud.
- Then take it.
And for God's sakes, spend it on food.
I just threw out a $200 belt.
Hey, how was the police auction? You didn't miss anything, especially once it started raining.
I made out like a bandit.
Oh, look at this.
Those drug lords have the most incredible taste.
Christofle silver, Limoges, Orrefors crystal.
If I ever get married again, I'm going to register there.
- Hello, all.
- Hey.
- I thought you were staying home.
- Yes, well, not anymore.
I ran into Percy Williams down at the grocery store.
He mistook me for a street person.
If I don't go down there and defend myself, he'll be passing around that rumour along with the Swedish meatballs.
I'm glad you're going, Dr.
Crane.
You'll have a nice time and you look great.
Thank you.
You have no idea how big you owe me.
Yes, I do, Roz.
I will never ask you for another favour again except, could you do something with your hair? It seems to be leaning.
Frasier, when you called, I was in the tub with a pint of Häagen-Dazs.
Considering that was 15 minutes ago, I think I look pretty good.
And I appreciate it, Roz.
I really do.
Daphne, could you please help Roz getting finished? - I'm finished.
- No, no, no.
Finish more.
Come on.
- And remember what I told you.
- Oh, yeah, right.
I'm a model-slash-doctor-slash- daughter of the duke of Luxembourg.
Yeah, come along, Your Grace.
Frasier? Are you so desperate that you're trying to impress these people by having Roz pretend to be some sort of trophy girlfriend? Trophy duchess.
Niles, it's the only way to beat the curse.
You could beat the curse by not going.
I tried that, Niles.
You see where it got me.
The curse found a way to humiliate me in absentia.
I've got to get down there.
Why? In order to win the approval of a group of virtual strangers? - I know it sounds foolish, Niles - No, no, it's not foolish.
It's human.
I think it's all about the feelings of inferiority you've been carrying with you since high school.
That's the real curse.
Only you're not the Bryce Crier anymore.
You're a successful man.
You have an opportunity for real growth here.
Not by trying to impress these people, but by realizing that they don't matter anymore.
Okay, I'm ready.
Oh, Roz.
You look beautiful.
- Well, thank you.
- But we're not going.
- What? - Well, I'm sorry, Roz.
It's got something to do with my personal growth.
I don't care about these people anymore, and, you know, I want them to know it.
Frasier, I hired a babysitter twice.
I did my makeup twice.
I performed a miracle of engineering by taping myself into this dress twice, only to be stood up twice? Technically, you did your hair once.
Shut up! You know, someday, you're gonna need another favour from me, buddy.
And when that day comes, I hope you know what you can do with it.
- I have a pretty good idea.
- Well, do it twice! - Well, that was something.
- Please, you call that a tantrum? Maris used to do that once a week.
Poor thing needed help slamming the door.
Frasier, I was just talking to Duke on the phone and your agent clicked in.
She was calling from a pay phone and she couldn't really talk, but she said that KPOV wants you to host your own show for them.
My own television show? - At KPOV? - Congratulations, Frasier.
- That's wonderful.
- Thank you.
Thank you all.
I just realized, this is an even bigger opportunity for personal growth.
Having a prestigious new job like this, and not even going to that reunion to boast about it.
It is a great opportunity, isn't it? - Have a good time.
- I will.
Well, I must say, Frasier did have a run of bad luck this week.
I'm certainly glad it's finally turned out better for him.
No, he didn't really get a call.
I just made it all up.
His agent didn't call? No, I just wanted to give the guy something to brag about.
Dad, I know you were trying to help but don't you think that's a little risky? What if somebody knows it's not true? Oh, no, you worry too much.
Who's gonna know? Most of these people are from out of town.
They probably never even heard of KPOV.
I knew it.
When you said KPOV, I thought it sounded familiar.
And it's right here in Dr.
Crane's newsletter.
His classmate Karl Degersdorff was just named station manager.
Won't that be nice for them? They'll be working together now.
Oh, my God.
Come on, it's gonna be all right.
Don't worry about it.
This Degersdorff probably won't even show.
You know, he just got a new job.
He's probably real busy.
I guess you're right.
We mustn't assume the worst.
I'm acting like Frasier, as if there was really a curse.
Look here.
He's also serving as this year's reunion coordinator.
Good evening.
Hello.
Good to see you again.
Hi, how you been? - Hi, fellas.
- Hi.
Hit it.
- Hello - Hello Hello Hello Goodbye my Coney Island baby Farewell my own true love True love, oh, honey I'm goin' to go away and leave you Never to see you any Never gonna see you any I'm gonna sail upon that ferry boat