Married with Children s06e02 Episode Script

Last week on Married With Children Marcy had a little announcement.
Jefferson and I are pregnant.
Al was the first to congratulate the happy couple.
Yeah, Al was happy until.
I'm pregnant too.
The family rejoiced together.
Bad Daddy.
Bad, bad, bad.
As if what you did wasn't bad enough, but with our mother, for God's sake.
Jefferson is the perfect husband.
Here it is.
I drove 50 miles holding it so cherries didn't settle on the bottom.
And Al couldn't do enough for Peggy.
Al, get me some water.
And now, " Married With Even More Children" continues.
Hey, here's something interesting.
For just $49.
95 us dads can buy "Buckle-on Baby.
" You get a 50-pound sack of fluid on your belly to experience the wonder of childbearing and the excruciating pain of a hernia for one low price.
Well, I don't know about you kids, but I'm really happy about the new baby.
The gods must be on a roll, huh? Must be playing another round of "Can you top this?" One said, "Make him a shoe salesman.
" Another said, "Let's give him a redhead.
" Another one, probably a cruel, hung-over God said, " I know, I know, let's have him not eat, yet not starve.
" Yes, Daddy, but the gods showed you they loved you when they gave you us.
Well, give them gods a Miller.
Could someone please tell me how this happened? Well, Dad, when the ovum is embedded securely in the wall of the uterus the sperm, after about two or three days of swimming if properly positioned, penetrates the wall of the egg.
And then the stork comes and it's a baby.
Bud, in all matters, except vandalism and fashion I want you to be in charge of educating the baby.
Hey, you did the crime, you do the time.
God, I feel like Exxon.
One spill, I'm paying for it the rest of my life.
Come on, Daddy, look on the bright side.
I mean, how long could the rest of your life be? Come on, Kel.
Can't you see the man's plotting his next sexcapade? - Let's finish setting up this intercom.
- What intercom? The one Mom wants us to put in every room so you can't have any peace.
Sorry, Daddy, you wet your bed, now lie in it.
I guess I'll turn on the TV.
At least that can't reproduce.
Damn shame.
Thank God I don't have to hear any more talk about babies.
You're pregnant, Mindy.
What a lovely baby.
Where'd you find it, Hoss? What's that, Lassie? Our cow just had a baby and you ate the placenta? - My baby - Her baby Babies declare war on Lithuania.
God, that's just how I left him.
You will never guess where we went, Al.
To Madame Rachel, the baby psychic.
She was amazing.
For starters, she knew that I felt bloated had morning sickness, and that my nipples hurt.
I didn't think that was possible with innies.
Al, don't you want to hear what the psychic had to say about our baby? Please, Peg, can't we hear more about Marcy's nipples? Well, gee, Al, if we're so boring then maybe we should talk about something that interests you.
For starters, let's talk about what goes through your mind at that exciting moment when you sell a shoe.
I think, " How could someone buy something so cheap, ugly and stupid?" Then I think, "Somebody knocked up my neighbour, so anything's possible.
" Oh, yeah, honey, anything's possible except both of us being satisfied after sex.
That was a good one, wasn't it? Yeah, we got your daddy good.
Come on, Al, laugh with the baby.
I don't wanna.
If someone didn't know you, they'd think you weren't happy about this.
Oh, I'm happy about it.
I mean, after all, it's something we planned for.
Oh, I love the baby.
Everyone loves the baby.
God, I hate the baby.
I hate Mom.
I mean, you can't blame Dad.
He's a stupid animal but Mom knew what she was doing.
Kelly, is that button on? Of course not.
One says "on" and one says "off.
" How stupid do you think I am? Well, I for one love the baby.
What do you mean? Why are you poking at me, gnome? They can hear us? I "wuv" the baby too.
And I really, really, really love Mom.
Which damn button is on? Why do they have to both start with an 0? And soon there'll be three.
God, I wish Jefferson was here.
Rub my belly.
He's my husband and he's rubbing my belly.
I'm not rubbing any occupied bellies.
I'm a human being.
Oh, yeah, soon I'll be partying like 1999.
- Isn't this nice? - You should have Jefferson do this.
You can just feel the fatherhood flow through you.
Al, I don't feel the fatherhood flowing through me.
Well, you may not have felt it, but it's obviously there.
That's not the first time he's said that to me.
We got him good again.
Come on, Al, laugh with the baby.
I don't wanna.
Besides, I don't think you're pregnant.
That's a 10 gallon can of ice cream down there.
Come on, Peg, laugh with the ulcer.
Now, don't make the baby hate you.
Rub.
God, he's depressing.
I want Jefferson.
- So do I.
- So do I.
At least he'll be here soon.
He's out getting me a wave machine.
At the baby expo, at the "hundred dollar and over" booth we learned that babies like the sound of water.
Al, I want a wave machine.
I think the baby's getting plenty of waves with turbulence of the daily arrival of your four Grand Slam breakfasts.
Have you tried the Six Corn Dog Special at Bippys? Every day on the way to Flap Jack Johnny's.
You ever transport Bippys corndogs to Johnny's and roll it up in a flapjack? With the ranch dressing and those chunky croutons from the salad tub? - Now, that's eating.
- Now, that's eating.
Peg, Peg, speaking of eating, I too enjoy Less talk.
More rub.
So Al, when do I get my wave machine? - Not getting one.
- You don't know how much it costs.
I didn't think it was important, since I'm not getting one.
Al, you don't want Marcy's baby to be smarter than ours, do you? Peg, our other kids didn't have a wave machine and look how they turned out.
Mom, Bud has more fingers than I do.
Honey, did you try counting on both hands? Hey.
Not because they didn't have a wave machine.
That's because your parents were brother and sister.
That is not true.
They just started to look alike when Mom's hair fell out.
Oh, come on, Al, I want a wave machine.
It's only $329.
Oh, thank you, God, that's exactly the price of my socket wrench set.
You know, this is amazing.
You are actually gonna tell me you would rather spend money on a socket set than the fruit of your loins.
You know I had my heart set on that socket - What? - Oh, Al, now look what you've done.
I'm crying.
And so's the baby.
I'm crying too.
I hope you're happy now.
- Rub our bellies! - Rub our bellies! Hold it.
Enough.
Enough.
I'm getting up.
Now you see me going.
Really, Al? You're really going? Yes, Peg.
I'm really going.
Bus for Scranton now loading, gate 15.
Another one, buddy? God, what a great place.
I mean, it's genius.
A bar hooked up to the public-address system at the bus terminal so you don't miss your connection for leaving your wife.
Don't forget about the cheap bimbos.
They give the place class.
- So where you headed, pal? - I don't know.
Someplace where there's a lot of girls, no women.
Oh, L.
A.
You might want to use one of our new instant ID machines.
It's genius.
Hair dye.
Get your hair dye.
False moustaches, bulbous noses! Bus to Tacoma now loading, gate six.
Let her try and find me now.
Hey, you want to hear a sad story? My wife's having another baby and I think it's mine.
The end.
Hey, buddy, you gonna let go of that dollar? Oh, I'm sorry, here you go.
My next door neighbour's having a baby too.
God, what a weenie.
Even has a weenie name.
Jefferson.
Mr.
Perfect Husband.
Waiting on his ferret-face of a wife.
I'll tell you something, when that guy rolls over and has to look at that Hey, Jefferson.
I was just talking about the neighbour on the other side.
You know, his name is Jefferson.
He's having a baby too.
What do you think about that? So, what are you doing here? I'm running like a river when the snow melts.
It was the baby expo, Al.
It broke me.
You should have seen it.
It was nothing but acres of fat, pregnant women wearing Keds.
Why are you running, Al? Can you look at me and seriously ask that? Don't take an oxen that works with his yoke for 20 years, take the yoke off, and then say: "Oh, Just kidding.
Here's a heavier yoke for you, old fella.
Toss it on and rub my belly.
" Well, you should rub the belly I've been rubbing.
I have.
What you watching? Nothing.
I'm just listening to Mom eat on the intercom.
Is there anything left for us to eat? Oh, sure.
Why don't you go and stick your hand through the door and see what happens.
I see the only chance of me getting any food, love or attention any more is if the baby comes out looking like you.
But then again, what are the chances of Mom having two circus monkeys? Why, the odds must be one in nine.
Excuse me, is there anybody down there? My buck et o' tapioca is empty.
Bud, look what we've become.
Pudding slaves to Mount Mom.
Yeah, I don't know how Dad can put up with it.
After all he's been through, he's out doing something nice for Mom.
Well, good.
Then he'll be home soon and he can fill her trough.
You wanna go to a movie? I can't.
You know, I checked that box under my bed.
Someone stole all my money.
Al.
Al.
Al.
Look, just because we're leaving our pregnant wives alone to fend for themselves without a cent in the world that doesn't make us bad, does it? Heck, no.
Many is the great American before us who have skipped out on the needy.
Take, for example, The Rifleman.
He knew not to hang out with his wife.
You know, I always suspected that's who he was blowing to smithereens before the start of each show.
I've been thinking.
I mean, I'm almost done with her first trimester.
What if the worst is over and it's all good from now on and we miss out? - What? - I'm finally starting to understand how she got you.
Let me explain something to you.
There is no such thing as a trimester.
There's actually just one long 40-year "mester.
" When they get pregnant, it turns into what I call the "mini-mester.
" You got your fat-mester, you got your puke-mester and Lord help us, you got your horny-mester.
That's when I left.
So, Al, where you gonna go to? Somewhere where shoe men run wild and free in the big sky.
Where never is heard an impregnated word and the hooters are uncovered all day.
That's beautiful, Al, that's beautiful.
Monacles, family trees, gum.
Gentlemen, would you like to be somebody? Your shirt.
How much for an ex-football player with a cool name? - Two hundred dollars.
- What can I get for a buck? A shoe salesman named Al.
Give me some gum.
There you go.
Hey, I'll pick my own name, huh? My new name will be Bazooka Joe.
Damn.
I wish I'd thought of that before I decided on Anheuser-Busch.
Yep, the Buschmeister's going to Seattle.
Join up with some friends that have a lobster boat.
And I'm gonna be the mighty fisherman.
- How about you, Al? - Going to L.
A.
Gonna be the big white hooter hunter.
- God, life is gonna be great.
- Yep.
Bus to Seattle now leaving, gate 11.
- Well, back to the wives? - Yeah, back to the wives.
If she has another baby in the next 18 years, I'm going.
Me too.
Well, I'm going home.
Can I have my dollar back? Here's five.
Take a cab.
Five? Can I have some change? Oh, hi, honey.
Come lay beside me.
There is no beside you, Peg.
Watch the cookies, honey.
So you went to the bus station, huh? - How'd you know? - Marcy has Jefferson miked.
Hi, Marcy, I'm home.
You look beautiful.
Thank you Anheuser.
You just couldn't leave, could you? I knew you wouldn't be able to.
You love your little Pooh Bear, don't you? You do, you do.
I really don't.
So, Al, what's in the bag? Your socket set, huh? Oh, well.
You know, if one of our children grew up to be a success who would the street sweepers of tomorrow be? Oh, Al, a wave machine! Oh, you do care, don't you? Peg, touch me with even one lip, I take it back.
You know, the only reason I wanted this is so that at least one of our children would have every opportunity in life.
I mean, you saw what not having one did for the other two.
Oh, what a pair of misfits.
But you know, Peg, the baby's already got one up on the other two.
He's already smarter than Kelly.
And he's closer to a woman than Bud will ever be.
What a pair of losers.
Honey, are you sure that intercom is turned off? Sure, I'm sure.
There's an "on" switch and an "off" switch.
Why, how dumb do you think I am?