Mike & Molly s06e02 Episode Script

(doorbell rings) Door! (doorbell rings) Door! Anybody hear that?! Mike, I was upstairs.
Well, that's why I yelled.
Hey, thank you.
Oh, not that you deserve this, but I think this is your present.
Okay, I'm not even gonna try to fake it.
I forgot all about whatever special day it is, but know this: every day with you is a gift.
No special day, but I just wanted to get you something.
I know you love gadgets.
Oh, is it one of those new Dick Tracy phone watches? Me and Carl been dying to get 'em.
Better.
It's a step counter.
Oh.
Huh? You know how you're always talking about taking more walks and getting into better shape.
Eh, doesn't sound like me, but go on.
No, w-with this, you can track every mile you walk every day.
Ah, you mean you can track every mile I don't walk every day.
No.
No.
I mean, I can.
But that's it's not why I'm getting it.
I mean, I'm getting it so we can do it together.
Look.
(gasps) It's got a twinsie.
Wow, that is so cute.
I don't want to wear it.
Well, listen.
I know I can't make you do anything that you don't want to do.
Yes, you can.
No.
No, I can't.
'Cause you are too smart and too handsome and and too powerful.
Just give me it.
La, la-ba-dee-da La, la-ba-dee-da For the first time in my life I see love I see love For the first time in my life I see love All right.
So it's 40 steps from the car to here.
What's your total for the day? What? How the hell did you only walk 12 steps at the station house? Well, easy, our desk chairs have wheels.
Good afternoon, gentlemen.
Our freezer broke, so the soup of the day is ice cream.
Uh, just dry toast for me.
Really? Well, I may not be getting in as many steps as I want, but I am still trying to watch what I eat.
Oh, good for you.
Uh, I, on the other hand, ran six miles this morning, so I'm-a have the BLT with pistachio "gazpach-io.
" Hold on, hold on, hold on.
Now, make sure that that's wheat toast and not white.
White bread is mostly sugar, which we all know is basically poison.
Got it, hold the poison.
Oh, hang on, hang on, hang on.
Uh, I did read somewhere that butter is now good for us again, so, uh, a little bit of butter, but no jelly.
So just bread and butter? And bacon.
Yeah.
Because I need protein for energy.
And, you know, I should probably have some vegetables.
Perhaps lettuce and tomato? That could work.
So one BLT and one order of toast with bacon, lettuce and tomato.
And butter.
What? Have you noticed how good your wife looks? Yeah, so? I thought the two of you were supposed to be on the same program.
Look, she's had a head start.
She's been walking for weeks.
Besides, we're not gonna share the same results due to my thick blood.
Your thick blood? Yeah, it doesn't flow through my veins as quick as other people, so calories don't burn off at the same rate.
I can't fight science.
How do you think Molly feels when she's out there stepping up her game, and you're in here buttering your bacon? I guess she would like it if I showed a little more effort.
That's right.
If you won't do it for yourself, do it for the ones you love.
Samuel! You're always bellyaching about being on your feet all day.
See what kind of numbers you throw up.
I'll pick it up after work.
Seriously? Like you said, it's for Molly.
Nice walk, ladies.
Ooh, two miles, 33 minutes.
Let's see if we can get it under 30 on the way home.
I'm pretty sure I will 'cause I'm taking a cab.
Oh, come on.
You got to admit, once you start moving, it's kind of fun.
Hey, marching band, at ease.
MOLLY: In a second.
I don't like sitting down until my numbers end in an even number.
And got it.
Oh, wait, no, not got it.
And got it.
No, I don't.
Okay, wait a minute.
Got it! Got it.
(sighs) You don't think you're getting just a little bit obsessive about that gadget? Yes, and that's the beauty of it.
I want to please it and make it proud of me.
I'm proud of you.
Oh, see, that does nothing for me.
You know, I was thinking, maybe we could take one of those walking vacations.
Like hiking the hills of Tuscany or climbing Machu Picchu.
"We" who? Me and Mike.
Mike who? Mi Mike Mike, my husband.
Sweetie, I don't want to pee on your parade, but I don't see him as the climbing type.
Yeah, I see him more as a burrowing creature.
No, he's coming along.
You know, at his own pace.
He's just a little slower 'cause of his thick blood.
Thick what? I don't know.
I mean, it's a whole thing.
He'd have to explain it to you.
I think it's sweet that you believe in him.
Thank you.
Even though he's given you no reason to at all.
(chiming) Oh.
Ooh, the boss is buzzing.
Okay, ladies, take those to go.
We got to get a move on.
(chiming) Ooh, she is in a mood! (door opens) Vince, is Molly home? No, she's out walking with the girls.
What do you know about electronics? Let's put it this way: I pushed the wrong button on the remote and been stuck watching Law & Order for the last hour.
Damn it.
¿Que es su problema? It's this damn step counter.
I got to figure out a way to change the numbers.
You're not gonna like my suggestion, but how about walk? No, I need to make the number lower.
I-I put it on Samuel and apparently he never sits down.
The son of a bitch logged seven miles.
That is not a believable number for you, my friend.
Don't you think I know that? No, that's why I got to roll back the mileage before Molly sees it.
Well, unless it's a '67 Buick on your wrist, I can't help you.
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
Hey! There they are.
The street walkers.
Guess who just walked 8,213 No Wow, that is great.
I'm so proud of you.
Yeah, how'd you do today? With what? With your walking.
Oh, that is a very good question that has a very sad answer.
I I lost the damn counter and I am sick about it.
Oh, that's okay.
And I was doing so good, too.
It's true.
He sure was sweating when he came in here.
You know what, just give me your phone.
Okay.
Why? Oh, you just go to the app and you hit a button and it'll find your wristband.
No, don't do that.
(clears throat) Why not? Well, because, I mean, maybe whoever found it needs it more than me.
Oh, God, that poor, poor man.
(step counter dinging) The call's coming from inside Vince.
JOYCE: Sit up.
Rule number one: never give a broad your phone.
You walked seven miles? Mike, that is amazing.
How did you find enough time to walk that far? You know, now that I think about it, this-this could have happened when I put it on Samuel for a few minutes.
I mean, who knows how much he put on that thing? Seven miles? About seven miles, yeah.
Mike.
Come on, I was doing it for you.
Aw.
No, there is no "aw" here.
Mike, what is the big deal? The big deal is that I don't like that this thing is tracking my every movement.
I-I feel like I've been LoJacked.
Okay, come on, just give it another shot.
I promise it's fun.
I mean, look, come on.
Huh? Huh? What's not fun about this? This is not fun to me.
It's stupid.
You want to see fun? Watch this.
Whoo-hoo! Okay, I tried.
You just stay here and sit on your ass.
Ass.
Molly, come on Want to call Samuel to chase after her? Shut up! Hey.
Hey.
I thought we should clear the air.
I would like that.
Okay.
Do you know what this is? A bowling ball.
Not a bowling ball.
Your bowling ball that I bought for you three Christmases ago.
The orange Lady Brunswick that you never used.
But did I get angry? Nope.
I realized it wasn't your thing, and I let it go.
Let it go.
Well, I'm sorry.
I just wanted us to be healthy and I thought I figured out a fun way for us to do it together.
Well, I'm sorry.
It's not as easy for me as it is for you.
You know that I have If you say "thick blood" one more time, I'm gonna splatter it all over the floor.
Yeah, well, good luck, it runs like maple syrup.
Look, I'm just saying I don't like exercising as much as you do.
Nobody likes exercising.
They like how they feel when they're done.
In other words, when they're not exercising.
Honey, I know how hard it is to get started up again, but it is worth it.
Look at all these clothes.
They're too big! I'm getting rid of them.
How exciting is that? Yeah, but don't you think you should hold on to some of those? Why? Well, you're doing good at this walking thing now, but, I mean, you're gonna kick yourself when you need these clothes again.
Wow.
Hey, listen, when they ask you to coach Little League or maybe be a motivational speaker, just say, "No, thanks.
" 'Cause you suck at it! Look, I'm just saying, I've been there, okay? I lost a little weight, got a little cocky, sold my clothes at a garage sale.
Six weeks later, I'm knocking on the neighbor's door trying to get 'em back.
It's embarrassing.
You know what's embarrassing? Knocking on their door again and asking for a place to stay tonight.
Well, I'm sorry if the truth hurts! Ow! Hey, that's got big buttons! You know, I can't win with her.
If I lie to her, she gets mad; if I tell her the truth, I get a mouthful of brass buttons.
That was a hideous blazer.
I'm glad she got rid of it.
I don't know what happened.
We had a formula for success, you know? Don't stand when you can sit, don't sit when you can lay down.
It's simple but it works.
And now suddenly that's not good enough for her.
Exactly.
She's trying to change me into something I'm not.
How dare she? It's like painting over the Mona Lisa.
Hey, I am the exact same guy I was the day she met me, and if that's not good enough, that's her problem, not mine.
I don't know, man.
It's starting to sound like it's your problem.
Hey, Molly is the one who's changed.
If anyone should feel betrayed, it's me.
'Cause she wants you to walk more.
Yeah, that's just how it starts.
Next thing you know, we're taking the stairs.
Or maybe a 5K for charity.
If I don't make a stand now, who knows where this will end? Um, with you living a long and healthy life? Oh, she'd love that.
(sighs) Mmm.
Is Molly stress baking? I'm not stress baking.
Are you stressed? Yes.
Are you baking? Yes.
You know, I try to get him on the right track and all he does is try to sabotage me.
You know what it is? I'm doing well, and it scares the hell out of him.
Men.
They're always trying to hold you down.
And pull your hair.
I think he'd be happy if we just sat on the couch for the rest of our lives.
They're gonna find two old skeletons with an old pizza box between 'em.
Wait a minute, I'm good at these riddles.
Was the pizza poisoned? Yeah.
Mystery solved.
You didn't really expect him to start hopping to once you got that stupid thing on his wrist, did you? I mean, I didn't expect the guy to start walking across America like Forrest Gump, but I thought I'd get one block out of him.
(oven timer dings) Okay.
Ooh.
There we go.
These turned out nice, huh? They're beautiful.
Nothing like fresh-baked cookies.
Yeah.
I told you I wouldn't eat any.
Yeah.
Look at this neighborhood.
Remember when it was filled with prostitutes and drug dealers? Mm-hmm.
Now it's filled with bearded hipsters making artisanal pickles.
I hate hipsters and I hate change.
But you love artisanal pickles.
I do.
See? Not all change is bad.
You know, I never asked her to change.
I like the woman I married.
I love the woman I married.
Hey, she's still the same woman.
No, she's not.
She's 10,000 steps ahead of me and getting further away every day.
Well, I guess there's only one thing to do.
What's that? Let her go.
I mean, you said it yourself.
You're not gonna change, so you may as well go back to the way you were before you met her.
You know, just living in your sad-ass apartment.
Using towels for curtains and T-shirts for towels.
God knows what you used for toilet paper.
Don't be ridiculous.
I'm not the one being ridiculous.
Now, if you're not willing to get off your ass and be a part of your marriage, then you deserve to lose her.
That's enough.
Pull over.
I tell you this for your own good.
I said pull over.
(groans) Yeah.
Don't listen.
But I got news for you, pal! It's not your blood that's thick, it's your head! Where'd you get that cookie? You know damn well where I got it.
Stay out of my shame.
Hey, is Mike down here? Nope.
Just me and the Cookie Monster.
I called Carl and he said Mike got out of the car in the middle of nowhere last night.
Did you try his cell phone? It just goes straight through to voice mail.
This isn't like him.
Okay, honey.
Just-just relax.
I'm sure he's fine.
Right, Vince? I don't know.
Sometimes even the nicest guys lead a double life.
Remember that preacher from Florida? Had three different families.
One of the wives found out, fed his gonads to a gator.
Come on, Mike barely has enough energy for one family.
This is not helping.
Oh, God.
Mike! (door opening) (exhales) Where have you been? I went for a little walk.
But 25,000 steps? That that-that's 13 miles.
Yeah.
11 intentional, two 'cause I got lost.
Are you Your poor feet must be killing you.
Oh, not at all.
I haven't felt them for hours.
You didn't have to do this for me.
Oh, I did.
I really did, 'cause I sure as hell didn't do it for me.
This may be the sweetest thing anyone has ever done.
And guess what.
You and I are going bowling tonight.
Tonight? No.
Maybe maybe another night.
Maybe another night.
I'm just glad I got all this walking over with.
Yeah It's it's never really over.
All right, well, since we're being honest, I'm probably gonna keep fighting you on this.
Oh.
I love that you still think you have a choice.
(beeps) We gotta start parking farther away from Abe's.
I'm never gonna hit my goal today.
Look at you: hitting goals, parking far.
You're giving that thick blood a run for its money.
I'm telling you, Carl, once you start exercising, you feel those endorphins, you're not gonna want to stop.
Thank you.
I'll think about that sage advice while I'm running my triathlon this weekend.
Just let me have this.
(chuckles) Okay, I gotta get some steps in.
You want a warm-up? I would.
All right.
As long as you're chasing those endorphins, I'll take a Danish, too.
One Danish, coming up.
Uh, what's going on? Mike finally figured out what his feet are for.
Aw, baby's first steps.
(laughs) Are those going to table six? I'd be happy to walk them over for you.
Yes.
All right.
I got this.
Why don't you take a load off? Thank you.
All right, I'll check on that two-top in the corner, too.
They're getting a little antsy.
I think they're ready to order.
So, what's good here?