QI (2003) s06e02 Episode Script

Ho-ho, ho, ho-ho-ho-ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho.
God rest ye merry, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to QI.
Dust of the snow, take of your hats, scarves and trousers, and join me as we gather round the flickering flames of fact and fallacy, to examine the subjects of fire and freezing.
And helping me to stoke the embers, and rummage excitedly in my stockings tonight, we have four festive fellows, it's a baptism of fire for Dom Joly And Crackling and sparking on all cylinders, Clive Anderson! Come home to a real fire; buy a cottage i Wales, in the company of Rob Brydon! - Good evening.
- Good evening.
And hiding under the bed clothes, playing with matches, Alan Davies.
Thank you.
Let it snow, let it snow, and let us know, what YOU know, but before the party games begin, gentlemen, I have to ask you to jingle your bells.
Dom goes "Chestnuts roasting on an open fire" Nice! Clive goes "Come on baby, light my fire" Rob goes "I am the god of hellfire!!! And I bring you, fire" There's a fiery theme, isn't there? And Alan goes "Alan, you're a bloody disgrace.
You're fired!" You're fired! Oh no! How disappointing.
So Now, here's one way to use fire; Indian smoke signals.
Can you tell me what they're saying here? They do that They did actually This is not gonna turn out to be some myth of that they never did smoke signals? No, indeed, you might've expected this, but they find this quite genuine.
It's considered probably the first language of North America was smoke signals.
What makes that different? I I don't see the subtleties of it From just a bit of smoke.
All you need to have, is a bit of smoke, and then; not smoke.
D'you see what I mean? If you left it alone, you'd get a column of smoke.
But, what they do is, they do puffs of smoke, by having animal skins, not blankets, oddly enough.
Everyone used to think it was blankets, I think.
But, animal skins that you take away, and the can create immensely complicated Even V shapes, and things like that, using the blankets.
Is this the same thing they do at the Vatican, with the Pope? Or is it just - Except a lot smaller, with a lot simpler language - A very simple language It's either white or black.
- That's right.
- Yeah.
They used to add wet straw to make it black, if they couldn't find A pope.
Black is what? For an African pope? It's not being able to They have to tell the populous assembled at Saint Peter's Square, whether or not they've come to a decision.
Since they've banned smoking in the Vatican, quite a lot of people hang out the window for a fag, and it causes whole sorts of trouble.
Who would imagine, catholic priest hanging out for a fag? It seems so unlikely.
If we run the film on.
In fact, it's Two puffs, that they give here.
- That's, "How-how" - "How-how".
- And two puffs means "All is well", apparently.
- Yes.
Which means "everything's okay".
- Looks more like a question mark there, doesn't it? - I does, actually.
You're right.
Do they do grammar, or? They should've got one of those light aircraft that can write in the sky.
That's a simple purchase.
- What? "Free drinks"? - A word Like that! You see? They where there ahead of you.
- They got good, didn't they? - They did.
The The one before I don't know if we can go back to it But, the one before, uhm, yes we can.
That one there - Would you say You say means "all is well"? - Yeah But of course, that could so easily be the aftermath of these Indians home, going up in flames.
They'd They'd look over the hill and go, "D'you think that's D'you think that's your place?" "No, no, no.
It says 'all is well'.
It's fine!" And just carry on their way.
- You're right.
It is confusing, yeah.
- But we used to do that, with these signal bonfires, didn't we? - That went across the country with - Absolutely right.
But as I say, beacons, it's the same problem there; it might be "Oh look, there's an invasion", or it could just be the Great Fire of London's happening, and Bring water.
Or if you accidentally set fire to your beacon, that would be a disaster.
- Yeah.
- Was that before or after e-mail? - Eh, close - Yeah.
Yeah.
- They where spamming then, you'd get endless Streams - Yes.
- "Do you want a bigger cock?" - What about - Unbelieveable - How do you get a bigger cock? Slapping it around like that? I think, with me, it would have the opposite effect.
To be honest.
I think I'll find it back in my shell.
- I think you'll find that it works for a while - Does it? Oh, heavens.
Yes, well anyway.
Indian smoke signals varied from time to time, and place to place.
But, one puff generally meant just "hello".
Now, we can all take our hats off.
As I ask another question.
So, we've provided you with a more sophisticated signalling device.
Which you've got in front of you, in fact.
And we've given you a little booklet about each.
Dom, why don't you try flirting with Rob? Based on this, 'cause what they've got in front of them, ladies and gentlemen, is that they have a little booklet They have a little booklet, describing the language of fans.
- What are you saying, Dom? - I'll tell you I'll tell you what he's saying He is saying "I'm having a fit, the tablets are in my top pocket.
" No, he's saying Ah, okay.
Oh! My God! - "I love another.
" - Yes! "I love another.
" - Oh my! - It's not very nice.
- Oh, he's looking at Alan.
Right, okay.
- "Not that chap next to you.
" - As you se, it's a very complex - And I'm doing "Do not betray our secret.
" - I I've got one for you.
- Yeah.
- Ready? - Yeah.
Slow closing Shu Oh! "I promise to marry you!" Thank you! But, um, do you know anything about the language of fans, where it came from? What time There was such a thing as a language of fans? I'm guessing it was from Belgium.
- From Belgium? - Yeah.
- Well, you're not far of, actually.
- Really? I'd say it's from Yorkshire.
No A little further "Can you imagine that?" What if you're just a bit hot, and you go flapping, and you suddenly realise you're saying, "Hello! I love you! Come over here!" Exactly, "Do you swallow?" - Sorry - What? What's gone in to you What's gone in to you tonight, Stephen? - It's Christmas It's Christmas.
- Yes.
I've got the Christmas Spirit in me, I'm very sorry.
And I promise And who's that come from? Usually, you are the ones who drag the And I just thought of And if it nose dives into the carnal, it's gonna be my fault tonight.
No, actually, the thing about the language of fans, is that fans, you're quite right, did come over from China to Europe, via Italy, as so much did after Marco Polo.
But in fact, that it was a very Quite a late nineteenth century invention, there was a French fan house; a maker of fans called Duvelleroy, and they produced little booklets with this language of fans, - In order to try and make it a sort of - A French fan house? Is that a euphemism of something? "Maison de ventilateurs", I don't know, maybe it was, maybe it wasn't.
It took over from the language of the baguette.
Which was - Which was in use before - A rather more basic language, exactly.
Um, yeah! So there we are.
Fans Obviously, every lady had a fan, in those days in the 18th and 19th centuries.
But in order I think, to help the sales of their fans, they They invented this language.
Basically.
The language of the fan.
Now, what happened to the fireman's pole? He tiled the fireman's bathroom.
Very good! Very good.
How much does it save to go down a pole? They've got to drive half the way across Across the town anyway, to get there.
- That's true.
- So, half a second of the Just walk down the stairs.
- Why don't they have a slide, like in the park? - Oh, that would be fun.
They could get a swirly slide, or even a waterslide.
- It would be good way of getting young firemen in, wouldn't it? - Yeah.
Getting them trained.
There's probably a health and safety thing, I would imagine.
- Oh, Dom! - Is it ringing? - No, health and safety - "Health and safety gone mad.
" - That's the new political correctness gone mad.
- Yeah.
There was A series of stories in the newspapers, that like, essentially, just to make things up.
In order to get us all angry in the morning.
They claimed that, you know, firemen's poles where taken out because health and safety - And it's just nonsense.
- "It's absurd!" - It's the whole reason - Ridiculous Most new fire stations are built on one floor, so they don't arise.
But the old ones, where they exist, they're there.
And if they build one with two floors, they get their poles.
- But, surely.
That's the main reason you become a fireman.
- It is, yeah! You go down the pole.
It's not like, "I wanna be a fireman, so that I might die in a fire.
" It's "I wanna go down the pole, and maybe one night, I'll bring a special friend back and show her the pole and" - Yeah, you're actually right, in fact - You demand an extra floor on the fire station, that's my story, and I'm sticking to it.
So D'you know where the longest pole is in Europe? Fireman's pole.
And how long would you think it might be? What's the maximum length? - That's not - 64 feet.
No 40 foot, actually.
There's a 40 footer in Birmingham, and it's the biggest in Europe.
That's the limit, is it? - There may be a bigger one in America, I believe.
- That must be terrifying.
That's really quite high up.
It is, really quite high.
40 foot, yeah.
Well, you're really gonna take the skin of your hands by the time you get of it.
You picture that squeaky noise, that makes your teeth go on edge - They talk up, like - They should do.
Shouldn't they? Do they teach a technique of coming down a pole? Is it just hands? 'Cause the all seem to be doing - I think the thighs have to exert pressure.
- Do they do a knee grip? I must say, they're a hell of a lot of fire-fighters The driver of the fire engine is there going, "No, I can't go yet.
I've got to wait 'till they're all in.
" Meanwhile, a whole family is burning to death Well, apparently, it's because they sometimes, literally, are still pulling on their trousers, and they're running downstairs doing that, and of course, it's much more dangerous than doing it down a pole, where you can just sort of, hold them up and go down the pole and put them on, 'cause you really are Obviously, very second can save a life.
I don't understand why, the firemen always are completely caught out by the fact that there's - Yeah.
"What!? A fire!?" - Exactly.
"Oh my God!" "Quick! Quick!" All undressed Where the poles Where the poles always made out of shiny metal? Or where there early versions that splintered and Oh! Nasty! - Well, they must have experimented with Materials.
- A flammable pole? That would be absurd! They would all be stuck up there with the pole on fire.
No one to put it out It was insurance companies that invented fire Firemen.
You're absolutely right! I think you should get some points there, Clive.
'Cause you're completely correct.
Things like The Sun, was one of the biggest, now Royal Sun Alliance, started as a fire insurance company.
And, what would happen was, you'd pay the insurance to the company, and they would send you a brass plaque, which you would set into the wall of your house.
So if there was a fire, what tended to happen, was that lots of different brigades came, from different insurance companies, and they read the plaque, and if you hadn't paid, they wouldn't put your fire out.
Unless you happened to be next to someone else who had, because, you know, if you've got a fire, the chances are, the fire would spread to them.
I think that is one of the worst things I could imagine, is that your house is on fire, - and they turn up, and won't put it out.
- I know, can you imagine that? - That would make me annoyed.
- Would they stay and kind of, roast marshmallows, - or would they just drive straight off? - They stand with the hose, and they'd go Or they could stand there with water pouring out the other way "Since we're here; If you pay for the next time, we might as well collect now.
" It's not the fire that kills people, and if you're aware of this - Fire doesn't kill people? - No.
Well, it does, Clive, of course.
You're not gonna tie me up in legal lee's here.
I'm not gonna get all heated up, which is what you want to happen! I'm going to stay very calm.
He didn't say "fire doesn't kill people", he said, "it's not the fire that kills people.
" - Your Lord Your Lordship is absolutely right - Thank you.
But I was just exploring this The notion That fire wasn't in some way deadly.
- It's not the fire, that kills the people - Generally speaking.
It's a by-product to the fire, and I wonder if any of you know what that might be? - Is it smoke? - Is it flame? Is it Is it the Slinky? - It's not the Slinky, Stephen.
It was a wild try - No, that was a wild guess.
Uh, Clive, you where right.
Smoke.
It's the smoke.
And what happens, is Smoke doesn't burn you, so I know what you're thinking.
"Well, how on Earth could Could" No, what smoke does, and this is where it gets interesting; It chokes you.
And if we choke, what can't we do? - Breathe.
We can't breathe.
- We can't breathe.
And if we can't breathe, what do we do? Dom? - We die.
- We die! Yes.
There's a thing called a flashpoint, in which Naw, I don't know where I learnt this, might have been in a film Or it might have been from a really terrifying fire safety talk we where given in primary school Which we would One thing I really I remember about that, is that when you strike a match, strike it away from you - Yes.
- 'Cause, otherwise, the head will come of, - and set light to you, particularly if you're a granny.
- Whoa! And they told us some story about someone's grandma who had burned to death.
Because urine Urine is flammable.
If it stays on clothing This is true! This is true! There's something in your urine, if it stays on your clothes long enough.
It becomes flammable.
So, grandmothers who aren't well maintained It's true! - Particularly, vulnerable to the flying head of a match.
- Particularly vulnerable to an arsonist.
That's a measure of how mean people are.
They won't even pee on you if you're On fire! - That's an Australian phrase, isn't it? - Yes! - "I wouldn't piss up his arse, if his kidneys where on fire.
" - Exactly! Well, wonderful.
Thank you for all that information about fire and smoke and what goodness knows, what else.
Now, what's the worst thing you can do if you're a fire eater? Well, there are There are vegetarian restaurants, aren't there? Where you can't get meat.
- Yes? All vegetarian restaurants, I think - So, if you are a fire eater - Yes.
- Qualify Nothing wrong with that sentence so far But - There are vegetarian restaurants, where you can't get meat? - Yes.
To quote the great John John Cleese; "Thank you for your specialist subject; the bleeding obvious.
" You know about You've heard about these, apparently vegetarian restaurants, that don't serve meat I was Established, what I though was an uncontroversial point, that in vegetarian restaurant, you can't get meat, can't eat meat, - 'cause they don't serve meat.
- No, they don't.
I believe that's right.
So There may be restaurants that don't serve fire.
So, if you're a fire eater, there would be no point in going to these restaurants And ordering fire.
This is A simple point I was trying to make, but I was interrupted, rather, along the way.
- "I'll have a nice plate of fire, please.
" - Yes.
And that wouldn't work.
I would've thought, at a Christmas event.
If a fire eater was thinking, "I'm showing my family this skill", and there was a urine soaked granny Who'd been brought out the home, just for the day, for Christmas.
That would probably not be the The time to say, "So, what are you up to now Bruno?" Well, basically, I mean, I don't know if you know much about fire eating.
There isn't much to know.
What you see is what they do.
It really is as bad as it looks.
I mean, they Mostly have mouths filled with blisters and ulcers, its a very unpleasant thing to do.
- Do you eat the fire - And they They hurt themselves.
Basically, what you shouldn't do is breathe in.
They have this condition, "fire eaters' lung", which is, obviously, as you can imagine, an absolutely horrific condition.
And - Like farmers' lung, only there is no subsidy.
- Exactly.
So, basically, it's fire spitting? - Rather than fire eating.
- Yeah, and that's No matter how careful they are, they ingest the lighter fluid which is toxic.
What if you had plastic false teeth, or wooden false teeth, which I think we've discussed on this programme - Yes, we did.
- That would be a disaster, 'cause they would catch fire They would catch fire, that would be awful.
- The smoke - The smoke would then - The smoke.
- Yeah.
Which would Apparently, the fumes It wouldn't be the fire, you see But, anyway, the perhaps most important piece of advice to a fire eater is, "do not inhale".
Now, it's time to retire from the fire, and brave the cold.
Now, what are the advantages and disadvantages of a mile-long aircraft carrier made from ice and sawdust? Ah! Radar.
I put it to you, that Um Move on, move on - No, you've got a good point, there! - 'Cause I was wondering You see I was wondering if, they are undetectable by radar? It's a nice thought, I don't think that's true, the size they where planned, and this was a genuine plan, in Britain, by a man called Pyke.
After whom the substance is named, and its a mix I know! "Don't tell them your name, Pyke!" I know, it's a His name is "Pike", with a Y.
And The substance is known as "pykrete".
It's stronger than steel.
I'm not kidding you! It's just ice - Until the temperature goes up! - Well, no! But that's the other thing, you see, It doesn't melt! They tested for a whole summer in a lake, and it didn't melt.
Mountbatten was obsessed by the idea, and he took a lump of it, in to see Churchill, and the story goes: Churchill was in his bath, Churchill often took meetings in his bath, and the threw it into his bath and said, "There, Winston!" And Churchill watched in his hot bath, and it didn't melt, this piece of ice.
It did not melt.
It stayed - Frozen.
- But, because it landed on his nuts - You'd say - He said, "I'm not going ahead with that.
" Well, the idea was to build aircraft carriers, literally with guns on them.
That was the plan, I mean it seems absolutely barking, I agree.
But, it was only the Normandy landings, that stopped us from building such things.
- That looked - Yeah.
The picture Of course, looks like the cover of Of a magazine, where they might say, "If you like ice, and you like aircraft carriers, you'll love 'Iced Aircraft Carrier Monthly'".
"It builds up into a wonderful collection.
" Glad to say; I DO like ice, and I like aircraft carriers, and I do get that magazine, and that's not an aircraft carrier.
- That's a destroyer.
- You're right.
That is a destroyer.
Thank you! Very good! Absolutely right.
Actually, that is no kind of aircraft carrier, is it? - There's no magazine for those people.
- I'll tell you something else; it's not the aircraft carrier that'll kill you It's the destroyer.
Anyway, the 300 foot wide, 2000 foot long, Mid-Atlantic runways, would have contained giant refrigerators to keep the ice ship cool, holes in a pykrete ship, could be repaired by using sea water.
And the icy aircraft carrier was also designed to be able to immobilise enemy warships by spraying them with supercooled water.
Was this the idea of Professor Pat Pending, from The Wacky Racers? Anyway, um, during World War II, plans really where drawn out for a huge aircraft carrier made from pykrete.
Now! As we're in the Christmas spirit, let's have a little sing-song.
What's everybody's favourite bit in the traditional song, "The twelve days of Christmas"? Which is your favourite bit? "Lords leaping".
- I For me, it's the gold rings.
- Yeah! Everyone knows that.
"Fiiive gooold riiiiiings" - What was that? - How could that be wrong? If you're asking what HIS favourite - He's He's leading the witness.
- Oh yeah? No, I asked what his favourite bit was in the 'traditional' English song, and it's not traditional.
It's a recent addition.
There's a man called Austin, who wrote that arrangement, in which it went, "Five goooold rings", and that bit alone, is copywrited and belongs to Novello, and you pay for - Allright, so we've just blown the BBC's budget.
- The whole BBC's budget.
It's like "Happy Birthday to you", you can't sing, or whatever, in films.
'Cause if you do, you have to pay enormous royalties, because the lyrics are still not in public domain.
I was told at school, that it was code It was supposed to be an "ede mémoire" to something, but I don't know what.
Well, there are these games you can play, that are like; ehm, "In my trunk, I'm going to pack", and the first person says, "A pair of swimming trunks", and the second one says, "A pair of swimming trunks, and a book", so it's that thing, it's a memory thing, and there's a version I played called, "Christopher Biggins has up his bottom tonight", where you have to And you have to remember the person You go, "Christopher Biggins has up his bottom tonight" And you go, "Arnold Schwarzenegger", and then the next person says, "Christopher Biggins has up his bottom tonight, Arnold Schwarzenegger", and it has to begin with the last letter of Arnold Schwarzenegger, and, eh - Rodney Bewes! - Rodney Bewes.
Exactly! Christopher Biggins has up his bottom tonight, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Rodney Bewes, and the next person goes, - Christopher Biggins has up his bottom tonight - Steve Davis, the snooker player! Brilliant! And And you go on until you can't remember, and you get a huge list Simon Schama! - You usually find that Christopher - Anthony Andrews! Christopher is astoundingly accommodating, that's the great thing about the game.
And it goes on It's a fun party game - Yeah - I can't recommend it highly enough! Is this why he was made king of the jungle? For this For this particular skill? Well, the fact is, the song "The twelve days of Christmas" is a traditional, non-copyright song, with the exception of "five gooold rings", which was added by Frederic Austin, and is owned by Novello & Co Ltd.
And with that, we lash out of the frying pan of knowledge, only to descend into the fearsome inferno of the fire and brimstone we call, General Ignorance.
Fingers on buzzers, please.
What happens when you blow out the candles on your birthday cake? "You're fired!" It was the first time that Uhm, you make a wish.
- Well, hmm, yeah! - Hah! Gotcha! You edge a little closer to the grave.
'Cause, wasn't it Richard Burton who said that, "When a baby When a baby cries its first cries, as it is born, it's crying out, knowing" Shut up! "Knowing" You wouldn't know a good impression if it sat on your face! "That the baby, when he cries upon birth, he's crying, fully knowledged" I can't remember the rest of it, but something Anyway Uhm, yes, no, obviously.
People make wishes, and things like that.
But, uh, why does the flame extinguish when you blow it out? You blow the flame of the wick, and it's then disconnected, harmlessly into the air And it goes out.
- It's like an Indian smoke signal.
- Yeah! There are three things that keeps it alight, right? One - Oxygen.
- Oxygen is one.
- Heat.
- Heat is the other.
- Wick.
- And the fuel that it needs to get So, you simply remove it from the heat, but if you had a wick, made of something that burns at a very low temperature, then, no matter how much you blew it out, it wouldn't go out.
Which explains those silly trick candles.
How come, if you use bellows on a fire, that's to encourage the flame, isn't it? Blowing into a fire is lovely, because you get to Up it comes I wonder what Richard Burton would make of it? "Ooh, look at the fire! Growing tall and" All right, nevermind - You come from the same You're from Port Talbot as well? - I'm from the same town as - Richard Burton and Anthony Hopkins.
- And Michael Sheen.
Another great, young actor.
And Michael Sheen, of course, brilliant.
In fact, my father grew up on the same street - Literally, the same street as Anthony Hopkins.
- Yeah.
In England, we live in houses Sorry! Uhm.
Anyway Fire Fire needs three things to work: Heat, fuel and oxygen.
Uhm, and we put out Oh, dear! Has the fire gone out between us, darling? Has it? Oh, no! - Oh, you want to marry me as well? - What does this mean? It involves Christopher Biggins So, fire needs three things to work.
It needs heat, fuel and oxygen.
When you blow out a candle, there's a sudden drop in temperature, and that's what causes the flame to go out.
From heat, back to cold.
You know, how sometimes it can be too cold to snow? Yeah? - Is that a question? - Yeah! - You know, how it can be too cold to snow? - Yes, because you need some moisture Ah, thank you! - Thank you for it.
- You really hate me, don't you? Oh, no! Not you! No, the fact is, it can't be too cold.
- It's a thing people say, "It's too cold to snow.
" - Well, that's really horrible of you, you led me to believe - No, hang on! He tried to get us first! - Where were you!? Yes I I've been on this programme a few times, I know that whatever you say at this point, it's always That's gonna happen.
And you think you know, and then Normally, you're told to talk on these programmes, in this, you just have to sit like this Like this You said it! You said you where too slow My In My little head, I went, "God, I would I wouldn't have thought so, but this is has to be true" And I went, "Well, I'm gonna join in then" Yes.
Anyway, the fact is, that snow's been recorded at minus 41, minus 50 degrees.
There is only one temperature where it's too cold to snow, but then it's too cold to do anything.
- Nothing moves.
- At absolute zero.
- At absolute zero - My favourite temperature, before we get that low, is minus 40.
Because, in centigrade and Fahrenheit, they're the same, they're both minus 40, all together.
- What a thrill.
- Isn't that exciting? What I do want to do, is I want to give a couple of points to Rob, because He is right in that it's less likely to snow, when there's less moisture.
And there is less moisture, when it's very cold.
So, but it's It's not ever, too cold to snow.
Talk to the face, 'cause the hand's ain't listening.
Oh, dear! Anyway, nowhere on Earth can ever be too cold for snow.
For instance, it regularly snows at the Poles, where it's colder than anywhere else on Earth.
So, now we come the great moment of truth, when our panellists are rewarded for having been good, or possibly, for not having been good, this QI Christmas.
And what do we see before us? Well, Santa's favourite little helper this year On 8 points - Is Clive Anderson! - Oh! And In second place, deserving of so much, so much support, because he's just really improving every year, on minus 6, Alan Davies! And Third, this week, despite falling into a few honeytraps, on minus 8, Rob Brydon! Well, I'm sorry to say, that the cold Brussels sprout on this occasion, with minus 16 Because, he's trusting and confiding and a jolly good fellow, Dom, on minus 16.
So All that remains, is for me to thank Clive, Rob, Dom and Alan, and relate to a Christmas scene, in a galaxy far, far away, where Darth Vader says to Luke, "Luke I know what you're getting for Christmas!" Or, whatever noise he makes.
And he says, "No, you can't possibly know!" "I know what you're getting for Christmas!" "You can't know! It's not true!" "I Know what you're getting for Christmas!" "How can you know?" "I have felt your presents" Thank you, and good evening.