Roseanne s06e02 Episode Script
The Mommy's Curse
[theme.]
Hello there, Mr.
Ficus.
Drink up and replenish the world with your oxygen.
Mom, I told you to quit talking to the plant.
It tried to throw itself off that stand Three times last week.
Well, Roseanne, so far my little inspection Has turned up mold, cockroaches, And human hair.
Unfortunately for the unsuspecting citizens of Lanford, It's all within the legal limits.
God, I need a break.
My word, Jackie.
Just look what you've done with yourself.
It's hard to believe you still haven't got a man.
I've been cleaning out a grease trap For two hours, mom.
Yeah, mom, that's not very nice.
Jackie needs a hug.
Go hug her, Jackie.
Mom, you get down there, And i'll spend the day sweating over Mr.
Ficus.
Jackie, I do a lot more work than you realize.
In fact, I spent the morning Making a to-do list Of everything that needs to be done around here.
I don't see any of you making to-do lists.
Well, you can cross off "annoy daughters.
" "spray all garbage cans, unclog back sink, Change grease in french fryer.
" I think you should do that last one, Jackie.
You know how tempted your sister gets around a fry.
Yeah, at Rodbell's We always found it prudent To put a dead bolt on the pie carousel.
[laughs.]
[laughs.]
Well, look, it's wayland and madame.
If you don't mind, I've got more inspecting to do.
Thank you.
Most restaurants aren't this cooperative.
Well, i'm off to my ceramics class.
Mom, it's the middle of your shift! Jackie, it's kiln day.
Roseanne, do you really need that chip? She's killing me, Roseanne.
If you cared about me at all, You would tell mom to stop coming around here.
Well, that brings us to the harsh reality Of our own relationship, doesn't it.
All right, okay.
Neither of us is gonna do it, So we're stuck with her.
What we need Is a glass of chardonnay On a great big ol' rat trap.
Hey, Fred.
How's that big, stupid, horrible, mean Boss of yours down at the garage? Oh, man, Rosie, Is he one enormous pain in the butt.
Yeah, boy, is he a dr-- Wait a minute.
That's me you're talking about! Ooh! [quietly.]
hey! Hey! What's Fred doing here? Did you know he was coming down here? Hoo, hoo, hoo, hoo! [singsong.]
Jackie likes Fred.
Do not! Go on.
You know you like him.
Go ask him out.
You haven't been with nobody for six months.
No! Don't make me do this, Roseanne.
I'm not ready to go out with anybody yet.
Hello, Roseanne.
I had the worst date with this woman last night.
She was rude and awful, And then she wouldn't even spend the night.
Let me guess.
All she did was talk about golf.
Well, that's it.
I'm back into men this week.
Are there any straight guys in this place? Oh, well, there's Fred.
Roseanne.
Jeez, he looks desperate.
Two buttons should do it.
No, Roseanne Okay, i'll make this deal with you.
If you go over there and ask Fred out, Then I will ask mom to become a silent partner And not come to work anymore.
Really? No, I can't.
Well, if you can't, i'm going to, Because I still have date hair And it's too good to waste.
Okay, okay.
All right, i'll do it.
I'll go back to the kitchen So you have a better chance.
Dan.
Fred.
Um, I don't want this to come out the wrong way or anything, But i'd like to go out with you some night.
Um, you could call it a date.
I'd rather call it two people getting together For food and talking about nothing too personal In a well-lit environment.
Physical contact limited to a handshake.
What do you say? Well, i'd have to ask Roseanne, but okay.
Thanks for helping, Dan.
Fred? Well, let me get this straight.
Food, talking, shaking hands.
Mm, i'm sorry, Jackie, I'm already involved with Dan.
All right, I get it.
Hey, Jackie.
I'd love to.
Okay, well, i'll give you a call About the weekend then.
So, when are you gonna talk to mom? Well, Jackie it wasn't a real deal.
Come on, idiot.
I had my fingers crossed the whole time anyway.
No-ho-ho.
No take-backs.
I can if I want.
Can't.
Can.
Can't.
Can! Can't.
Can.
Can't.
Can.
Can't infinity.
Infinity isn't allowed.
Is.
Isn't.
Is.
Isn't! Is.
Roseanne, I saw all the animals In the neighborhood running in circles.
I guess that means your mother will be arriving soon.
Help me hold the knife steady, Dan.
I keep missing my wrists.
You know, honey, If you don't confront Bev, Then Jackie won't have to go out with Fred And I won't have to share my friend.
Well, Dan, I know you're getting to that age Where a lot of you friends Are starting to like girls.
But, see, that doesn't mean That they like you any less.
Just in a different way.
Yoo-hoo, it's mother! God You step on every crack In every sidewalk for 40 years What the hell does it get you? Do I smell my favorite, yankee pot roast? What's the occasion? No occasion.
Dan hit a yankee on the way home.
Well, i'll tell you what.
Why don't you two relax And, uh, oh I don't know, chat? Well, Jackie, I, uh, I'm not feeling real chatty yet.
Oh, come on, Roseanne.
You said this afternoon You couldn't wait to chat with mom.
I'm gonna go check the potatoes.
Well, wait, i'm not ready for you to check the-- Hey! You know, there's nothing I like more Than spending time with my daughters.
Yeah, same here.
Um Yeah, well, I guess it is good To, you know, spend time together here at home, Especially 'cause, you know, Well, at work, it's not that much fun.
Well, that's why they call it work.
Yeah, good one.
Well, you know how sometimes Like when it gets really crazy at the diner And you're having trouble with a coworker And, like, you just really kind of lose it And you feel like you just want to Rip their head off with your bare hands But, you know, you can't 'cause of health codes.
Is it Nancy? Did she make a pass at you, Because I think she made one at me! No, it's not Nancy.
I'm waiting to hear you say it's Jackie.
Uh, mom, I just-- I just don't think We should work together anymore.
I hope you're not boiling all the vitamins Out of the vegetables.
Mom, wait.
What do you want me to say, Roseanne? My daughter just told me she hates me.
I didn't get that far.
Well, Jackie, Your sister doesn't want to work with me anymore.
So from now on I'll just work on your shift.
Mom, I think that Roseanne Probably has more to say to you.
Am I right, Roseanne? Well, we don't want you To work on any shift at all.
Oh, this is a team effort.
Isn't there anyone here Who enjoys my company? You know, I can't remember What color the house is.
[door closes.]
Mom, it's just that we think You'd be happier being more Like a silent partner, 'cause you've worked for so long.
You're 64.
I started working at 63.
God, has it only been a year? If it weren't for me, You'd still be in debt, Roseanne.
You wouldn't have a house, Jackie.
And neither of you would have a business To kick me out of.
Yeah, but mom, we're not saying That we don't like your money.
Fine, you won't see me at the diner Ever again for any reason.
Oh, come on, mom, don't overreact! No, no, i'll never talk to you again.
I'll never annoy you.
I'll never have anything to do with you again As long as you live.
Yeah! Yeah! sometimes I feel like a motherless child and that's the way, uh-huh, uh-huh I like it So how are you this morning, Mr.
Ficus? What? I can't hear you! You'll have to speak up! It's been three days.
When are the two of you gonna stop Dancing around the bonfire With your mother's head on a stick? I don't know.
Is a year too long? Stop that! The woman gave you life.
Yeah, well, she giveth And she sucketh away.
I'm taking this back to Bev's Before you kill it.
Oh, be a good sport.
Wait 'til after we kill it.
I think the two of you Are being hideous.
Oh, look, Jackie.
Some of mom's little guilt spores Are glomming onto Nancy.
And I welcome them.
I like her.
She never judges me, criticizes me, Or belittles me.
Whenever I see her, she always makes me smile.
No wonder she thinks you're hitting on her.
Well, I hope you're happy.
Thanks, Nancy.
I hope you're happy too.
I just came from your mother's, And she's crying.
Why, what'd you do? Punch her? No, you did.
You punched her in the emotional stomach.
Oh, Nancy, nothing can make my mother cry.
She thinks old yeller had it coming.
Well, she came to the door And tears were running down her face.
How do you explain that? I don't know.
She pulled a nose hair? Hey.
How do I look? Like an ungrateful brat of a daughter.
With great shoes.
Hey, Jackie Nancy says we made mom cry.
Yeah, right.
You really like my shoes? No, you guys, she was crying.
I'm sure of it.
And her friend Jake said she's been like that for days.
Really? Jackie Well, Roseanne, this is a really big night for me.
Yeah, but what if mom is sitting over there crying? But I can only take one trauma a night, And tonight i'm choosing the date.
Well, since when did you cut down To one trauma a night? [doorbell rings.]
Hey, mom.
Um, well, I just stopped over To drop off thekids' school pictures.
Here's this one of Becky.
She's like in the fourth grade.
I probably should have brought 'em by earlier, But ever since I had D.
J.
, You know, i've been kind of busy.
Okay, so I get it.
I get it, mom.
Silent partner.
Very, very clever.
But, you know, since we're not at work It doesn't really apply here.
Oh! Well, it's nice of you to allow me To talk in my own home.
If my sentences run on too long, Please let me know.
Well, that one was pretty close.
Roseanne, what are you doing here? Well, you know, mom, I didn't mean to hurt your feelings so bad.
I'd like to apologize For what I said to you the other night at dinner.
Well, that's very nice of you, Roseanne.
Thank you.
So, do you forgive me? Yes, I forgive you.
Okay, well Let's stay in touch.
Well, you don't have to do that.
If anything important happens, You'll surely be notified As my next of kin.
Knew it.
You don't really forgive me.
Yes, I do.
Didn't you hear me? No, you don't.
You never do.
That's why I have to carry around all this guilt all the time.
Listen, if you're not gonna forgive me, Then you're gonna do something really mean back to me To even the score.
Roseanne, that's ludicrous.
No, it is not ludicrous.
Otherwise i'm gonna feel guilty 'til the day you die.
So come on.
Take your best shot.
Give it to me right in the chops.
Come on, if you love me.
I'm sorry, Roseanne.
Unlike some people, I don't hurt family members.
Yes, you do, mom, but you stretch it out.
When I take a band-aid off of my kid's knee, I just pull it off all at once, But you've been taking the same damn band-aid Off of my knee one hair at a time For 40 years.
How can I forgive you, Roseanne, If you're not really sorry for what you said.
I said I was sorry.
Didn't you hear me? Then you want me to come back to the diner? You know, you can have those pictures.
You, uh, you don't have to return 'em or anything.
Well, just what I thought.
Oh, mom! Of course you can come back.
Do you need me to come back? Yeah.
Of course.
Please, we--we of course need you To please come back.
Please, please would you come back please? Thank you, Roseanne.
I just needed to hear you say that.
You don't need me.
I've raised two smart, capable girls Who can get along just fine Without anyone's help, even mine.
Thank you, mom.
Well, well.
I guess you still eat when you feel guilty.
You had to keep talking, didn't you.
Hi.
Sorry i'm late.
Before you ask, the date went fine.
It was no big deal.
We had a good time.
What was that? What was what? That grin.
I seen you grin.
I didn't grin.
[chuckling.]
yeah.
Oh, ooh, you slept with him.
Roseanne.
God, you totally did.
You said you wasn't gonna have sex with him.
Well, for most of the date we didn't have sex.
Oh, let's--let's not talk about this now.
Hey, Roseanne, is Jackie here? Oh, so it's Jackie now, huh? I'll just check in the back.
You know, flowers would have been a nice touch.
Well, since he's your friend, Dan, If he don't treat my sister right I'm holding you personally responsible.
Okay, i'm making a big leap here, But did Fred and Jackie do something That's none of my business last night? Oh, right, like you don't know.
Like he didn't come in there Swaggering this morning Like, "hey, I bagged her," you know, And then Then all the other apes, you know, Sit there, "way to be!" Whack, whack.
Then they grab their crotch And, you know, belch to celebrate The one-night stand.
F.
Y.
I.
, we don't belch For one-night stand celebrations.
We expose our chest hair and do a victory dance.
Besides, he didn't say nothing about it.
This is the first i've heard of it.
No, no, believe me, it's not you, it's me.
I'm just going through a reallyUh, Selfish period right now.
But that's perfect.
I'm going through a doormat period right now.
Look, Fred, you had some laughs.
I had some laughs.
The sun came up.
I'm just not ready to date yet.
Well, we don't have to call it dating.
We could call it two people Getting together and having sex In a poorly lit environment.
Good-bye, Fred.
It was worth a shot.
[Roseanne.]
ow! Oof.
What the hell are you doing? Halfway through the date I decided I didn't want it to get too serious.
Yeah, buy you had sex with him.
Well, sex is about as far as I want to go right now.
Okay, so--so let me get this, okay? You really like him, And you had sex with him and everything, But, you know, you're just gonna go ahead And one-night-stand him? Yep.
Way to be.
Leon, it is so great that you came in to eat Like a regular person.
Yeah, you know, somehow i've actually gotten To like this rancid concoction Of grade-m beef.
It is good, isn't it.
What do I see coming through the door? A woman, a strong woman Returning to triumph over the scorn Of her children.
Mom, you're back.
That's just terrific.
Oh, I haven't returned to work.
Heavens, no! No? Oh, rats! Rats, rats, rats! Oh, hi, mom.
I thought about what you said, Roseanne, And i'm taking your advice.
I'm going to do something Really mean to you.
That is so healthy.
In fact, i'm here to even the score.
I'm gonna hurt you with one big shot.
Get it, girl! Well, uh, mom, you know, Jackie was in on it too.
Since neither of you really want me To work in the diner, I've decided to sell my share.
What? Mom, it's gonna be really hard To get a buyer in this market.
OhIt wasn't that hard.
She just kept lowering her price.
I couldn't say no.
I'm impressed, Bev.
Jackie, I--I can't feel my legs.
Isn't this terrific? I get al my aggression out And it really, really hurts you.
There.
Now mommy made everything all better.
Hello there, Mr.
Ficus.
Drink up and replenish the world with your oxygen.
Mom, I told you to quit talking to the plant.
It tried to throw itself off that stand Three times last week.
Well, Roseanne, so far my little inspection Has turned up mold, cockroaches, And human hair.
Unfortunately for the unsuspecting citizens of Lanford, It's all within the legal limits.
God, I need a break.
My word, Jackie.
Just look what you've done with yourself.
It's hard to believe you still haven't got a man.
I've been cleaning out a grease trap For two hours, mom.
Yeah, mom, that's not very nice.
Jackie needs a hug.
Go hug her, Jackie.
Mom, you get down there, And i'll spend the day sweating over Mr.
Ficus.
Jackie, I do a lot more work than you realize.
In fact, I spent the morning Making a to-do list Of everything that needs to be done around here.
I don't see any of you making to-do lists.
Well, you can cross off "annoy daughters.
" "spray all garbage cans, unclog back sink, Change grease in french fryer.
" I think you should do that last one, Jackie.
You know how tempted your sister gets around a fry.
Yeah, at Rodbell's We always found it prudent To put a dead bolt on the pie carousel.
[laughs.]
[laughs.]
Well, look, it's wayland and madame.
If you don't mind, I've got more inspecting to do.
Thank you.
Most restaurants aren't this cooperative.
Well, i'm off to my ceramics class.
Mom, it's the middle of your shift! Jackie, it's kiln day.
Roseanne, do you really need that chip? She's killing me, Roseanne.
If you cared about me at all, You would tell mom to stop coming around here.
Well, that brings us to the harsh reality Of our own relationship, doesn't it.
All right, okay.
Neither of us is gonna do it, So we're stuck with her.
What we need Is a glass of chardonnay On a great big ol' rat trap.
Hey, Fred.
How's that big, stupid, horrible, mean Boss of yours down at the garage? Oh, man, Rosie, Is he one enormous pain in the butt.
Yeah, boy, is he a dr-- Wait a minute.
That's me you're talking about! Ooh! [quietly.]
hey! Hey! What's Fred doing here? Did you know he was coming down here? Hoo, hoo, hoo, hoo! [singsong.]
Jackie likes Fred.
Do not! Go on.
You know you like him.
Go ask him out.
You haven't been with nobody for six months.
No! Don't make me do this, Roseanne.
I'm not ready to go out with anybody yet.
Hello, Roseanne.
I had the worst date with this woman last night.
She was rude and awful, And then she wouldn't even spend the night.
Let me guess.
All she did was talk about golf.
Well, that's it.
I'm back into men this week.
Are there any straight guys in this place? Oh, well, there's Fred.
Roseanne.
Jeez, he looks desperate.
Two buttons should do it.
No, Roseanne Okay, i'll make this deal with you.
If you go over there and ask Fred out, Then I will ask mom to become a silent partner And not come to work anymore.
Really? No, I can't.
Well, if you can't, i'm going to, Because I still have date hair And it's too good to waste.
Okay, okay.
All right, i'll do it.
I'll go back to the kitchen So you have a better chance.
Dan.
Fred.
Um, I don't want this to come out the wrong way or anything, But i'd like to go out with you some night.
Um, you could call it a date.
I'd rather call it two people getting together For food and talking about nothing too personal In a well-lit environment.
Physical contact limited to a handshake.
What do you say? Well, i'd have to ask Roseanne, but okay.
Thanks for helping, Dan.
Fred? Well, let me get this straight.
Food, talking, shaking hands.
Mm, i'm sorry, Jackie, I'm already involved with Dan.
All right, I get it.
Hey, Jackie.
I'd love to.
Okay, well, i'll give you a call About the weekend then.
So, when are you gonna talk to mom? Well, Jackie it wasn't a real deal.
Come on, idiot.
I had my fingers crossed the whole time anyway.
No-ho-ho.
No take-backs.
I can if I want.
Can't.
Can.
Can't.
Can! Can't.
Can.
Can't.
Can.
Can't infinity.
Infinity isn't allowed.
Is.
Isn't.
Is.
Isn't! Is.
Roseanne, I saw all the animals In the neighborhood running in circles.
I guess that means your mother will be arriving soon.
Help me hold the knife steady, Dan.
I keep missing my wrists.
You know, honey, If you don't confront Bev, Then Jackie won't have to go out with Fred And I won't have to share my friend.
Well, Dan, I know you're getting to that age Where a lot of you friends Are starting to like girls.
But, see, that doesn't mean That they like you any less.
Just in a different way.
Yoo-hoo, it's mother! God You step on every crack In every sidewalk for 40 years What the hell does it get you? Do I smell my favorite, yankee pot roast? What's the occasion? No occasion.
Dan hit a yankee on the way home.
Well, i'll tell you what.
Why don't you two relax And, uh, oh I don't know, chat? Well, Jackie, I, uh, I'm not feeling real chatty yet.
Oh, come on, Roseanne.
You said this afternoon You couldn't wait to chat with mom.
I'm gonna go check the potatoes.
Well, wait, i'm not ready for you to check the-- Hey! You know, there's nothing I like more Than spending time with my daughters.
Yeah, same here.
Um Yeah, well, I guess it is good To, you know, spend time together here at home, Especially 'cause, you know, Well, at work, it's not that much fun.
Well, that's why they call it work.
Yeah, good one.
Well, you know how sometimes Like when it gets really crazy at the diner And you're having trouble with a coworker And, like, you just really kind of lose it And you feel like you just want to Rip their head off with your bare hands But, you know, you can't 'cause of health codes.
Is it Nancy? Did she make a pass at you, Because I think she made one at me! No, it's not Nancy.
I'm waiting to hear you say it's Jackie.
Uh, mom, I just-- I just don't think We should work together anymore.
I hope you're not boiling all the vitamins Out of the vegetables.
Mom, wait.
What do you want me to say, Roseanne? My daughter just told me she hates me.
I didn't get that far.
Well, Jackie, Your sister doesn't want to work with me anymore.
So from now on I'll just work on your shift.
Mom, I think that Roseanne Probably has more to say to you.
Am I right, Roseanne? Well, we don't want you To work on any shift at all.
Oh, this is a team effort.
Isn't there anyone here Who enjoys my company? You know, I can't remember What color the house is.
[door closes.]
Mom, it's just that we think You'd be happier being more Like a silent partner, 'cause you've worked for so long.
You're 64.
I started working at 63.
God, has it only been a year? If it weren't for me, You'd still be in debt, Roseanne.
You wouldn't have a house, Jackie.
And neither of you would have a business To kick me out of.
Yeah, but mom, we're not saying That we don't like your money.
Fine, you won't see me at the diner Ever again for any reason.
Oh, come on, mom, don't overreact! No, no, i'll never talk to you again.
I'll never annoy you.
I'll never have anything to do with you again As long as you live.
Yeah! Yeah! sometimes I feel like a motherless child and that's the way, uh-huh, uh-huh I like it So how are you this morning, Mr.
Ficus? What? I can't hear you! You'll have to speak up! It's been three days.
When are the two of you gonna stop Dancing around the bonfire With your mother's head on a stick? I don't know.
Is a year too long? Stop that! The woman gave you life.
Yeah, well, she giveth And she sucketh away.
I'm taking this back to Bev's Before you kill it.
Oh, be a good sport.
Wait 'til after we kill it.
I think the two of you Are being hideous.
Oh, look, Jackie.
Some of mom's little guilt spores Are glomming onto Nancy.
And I welcome them.
I like her.
She never judges me, criticizes me, Or belittles me.
Whenever I see her, she always makes me smile.
No wonder she thinks you're hitting on her.
Well, I hope you're happy.
Thanks, Nancy.
I hope you're happy too.
I just came from your mother's, And she's crying.
Why, what'd you do? Punch her? No, you did.
You punched her in the emotional stomach.
Oh, Nancy, nothing can make my mother cry.
She thinks old yeller had it coming.
Well, she came to the door And tears were running down her face.
How do you explain that? I don't know.
She pulled a nose hair? Hey.
How do I look? Like an ungrateful brat of a daughter.
With great shoes.
Hey, Jackie Nancy says we made mom cry.
Yeah, right.
You really like my shoes? No, you guys, she was crying.
I'm sure of it.
And her friend Jake said she's been like that for days.
Really? Jackie Well, Roseanne, this is a really big night for me.
Yeah, but what if mom is sitting over there crying? But I can only take one trauma a night, And tonight i'm choosing the date.
Well, since when did you cut down To one trauma a night? [doorbell rings.]
Hey, mom.
Um, well, I just stopped over To drop off thekids' school pictures.
Here's this one of Becky.
She's like in the fourth grade.
I probably should have brought 'em by earlier, But ever since I had D.
J.
, You know, i've been kind of busy.
Okay, so I get it.
I get it, mom.
Silent partner.
Very, very clever.
But, you know, since we're not at work It doesn't really apply here.
Oh! Well, it's nice of you to allow me To talk in my own home.
If my sentences run on too long, Please let me know.
Well, that one was pretty close.
Roseanne, what are you doing here? Well, you know, mom, I didn't mean to hurt your feelings so bad.
I'd like to apologize For what I said to you the other night at dinner.
Well, that's very nice of you, Roseanne.
Thank you.
So, do you forgive me? Yes, I forgive you.
Okay, well Let's stay in touch.
Well, you don't have to do that.
If anything important happens, You'll surely be notified As my next of kin.
Knew it.
You don't really forgive me.
Yes, I do.
Didn't you hear me? No, you don't.
You never do.
That's why I have to carry around all this guilt all the time.
Listen, if you're not gonna forgive me, Then you're gonna do something really mean back to me To even the score.
Roseanne, that's ludicrous.
No, it is not ludicrous.
Otherwise i'm gonna feel guilty 'til the day you die.
So come on.
Take your best shot.
Give it to me right in the chops.
Come on, if you love me.
I'm sorry, Roseanne.
Unlike some people, I don't hurt family members.
Yes, you do, mom, but you stretch it out.
When I take a band-aid off of my kid's knee, I just pull it off all at once, But you've been taking the same damn band-aid Off of my knee one hair at a time For 40 years.
How can I forgive you, Roseanne, If you're not really sorry for what you said.
I said I was sorry.
Didn't you hear me? Then you want me to come back to the diner? You know, you can have those pictures.
You, uh, you don't have to return 'em or anything.
Well, just what I thought.
Oh, mom! Of course you can come back.
Do you need me to come back? Yeah.
Of course.
Please, we--we of course need you To please come back.
Please, please would you come back please? Thank you, Roseanne.
I just needed to hear you say that.
You don't need me.
I've raised two smart, capable girls Who can get along just fine Without anyone's help, even mine.
Thank you, mom.
Well, well.
I guess you still eat when you feel guilty.
You had to keep talking, didn't you.
Hi.
Sorry i'm late.
Before you ask, the date went fine.
It was no big deal.
We had a good time.
What was that? What was what? That grin.
I seen you grin.
I didn't grin.
[chuckling.]
yeah.
Oh, ooh, you slept with him.
Roseanne.
God, you totally did.
You said you wasn't gonna have sex with him.
Well, for most of the date we didn't have sex.
Oh, let's--let's not talk about this now.
Hey, Roseanne, is Jackie here? Oh, so it's Jackie now, huh? I'll just check in the back.
You know, flowers would have been a nice touch.
Well, since he's your friend, Dan, If he don't treat my sister right I'm holding you personally responsible.
Okay, i'm making a big leap here, But did Fred and Jackie do something That's none of my business last night? Oh, right, like you don't know.
Like he didn't come in there Swaggering this morning Like, "hey, I bagged her," you know, And then Then all the other apes, you know, Sit there, "way to be!" Whack, whack.
Then they grab their crotch And, you know, belch to celebrate The one-night stand.
F.
Y.
I.
, we don't belch For one-night stand celebrations.
We expose our chest hair and do a victory dance.
Besides, he didn't say nothing about it.
This is the first i've heard of it.
No, no, believe me, it's not you, it's me.
I'm just going through a reallyUh, Selfish period right now.
But that's perfect.
I'm going through a doormat period right now.
Look, Fred, you had some laughs.
I had some laughs.
The sun came up.
I'm just not ready to date yet.
Well, we don't have to call it dating.
We could call it two people Getting together and having sex In a poorly lit environment.
Good-bye, Fred.
It was worth a shot.
[Roseanne.]
ow! Oof.
What the hell are you doing? Halfway through the date I decided I didn't want it to get too serious.
Yeah, buy you had sex with him.
Well, sex is about as far as I want to go right now.
Okay, so--so let me get this, okay? You really like him, And you had sex with him and everything, But, you know, you're just gonna go ahead And one-night-stand him? Yep.
Way to be.
Leon, it is so great that you came in to eat Like a regular person.
Yeah, you know, somehow i've actually gotten To like this rancid concoction Of grade-m beef.
It is good, isn't it.
What do I see coming through the door? A woman, a strong woman Returning to triumph over the scorn Of her children.
Mom, you're back.
That's just terrific.
Oh, I haven't returned to work.
Heavens, no! No? Oh, rats! Rats, rats, rats! Oh, hi, mom.
I thought about what you said, Roseanne, And i'm taking your advice.
I'm going to do something Really mean to you.
That is so healthy.
In fact, i'm here to even the score.
I'm gonna hurt you with one big shot.
Get it, girl! Well, uh, mom, you know, Jackie was in on it too.
Since neither of you really want me To work in the diner, I've decided to sell my share.
What? Mom, it's gonna be really hard To get a buyer in this market.
OhIt wasn't that hard.
She just kept lowering her price.
I couldn't say no.
I'm impressed, Bev.
Jackie, I--I can't feel my legs.
Isn't this terrific? I get al my aggression out And it really, really hurts you.
There.
Now mommy made everything all better.