Rules of Engagement s06e02 Episode Script

Sir, I just got a call from your father.
He's on his way up to see you.
Oh, I did not know that my dad was in town.
Sir, I know your father can be intimidating.
But you're a grown man.
Why do you allow him to have this power over you? I don't know.
Why do you allow me to have power over you? Anyway, he's in town for a couple of days, and he's excited to meet your wife.
What? No! My wife is Liz! I mean, look at this grill.
Sir, you're overreacting.
She's not that bad.
Compared to the chicks he marries, she is.
His latest wife is one of the hottest, youngest women in the world.
That's it I need a professional escort.
You're going to use a prostitute to pose as your wife? That's a great idea.
When I'm finished, I'll have her do that.
Russell! - Hey.
- Come here, you little flyweight! Come on.
Put 'em up! Put 'em up! So, wait, what are you doing in town, dad? Well, I came in to check up on my company, and I thought I'd meet that tasty little piece you married.
What do you think, Timmy? Is she a looker? In the sense that she can see? Yes.
Well, I've set quite a high bar in the marriage department.
That is, if you throw out Russell's mother as a mulligan.
It's funny, because she gave me life.
Here, take a look at my latest.
I was in Tahiti, and I saw the most beautiful woman.
And then I married her daughter.
My God, she's exquisite.
Yeah? You should see her naked.
Matter of fact, give me your email address.
Oh, no.
You don't have to do that.
- It's right there on the card.
- All right.
Russell, let's see a picture of your wife.
Oh, Liz? My wife? Um, I don't think I have one, like here, handy.
Well, no matter.
Bring her to the club tomorrow night, at 6:00.
I'll meet her then.
- Okay, dad.
- Ho! Ha ha ha! - I never liked that.
- See you, Timmy.
Sir.
Sorry I had to put you through that.
Ah, it's all right, sir.
No, I'm talking to the shredder.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
What's Booger doing in our booth? Who? That's Booger, from Revenge of The Nerds.
Oh, hey, hey.
Guys! Guys! Check it out! It's Curtis Armstrong.
- Hi! I'm Curtis! - Yeah, we heard.
Shove it over, Booger.
Um, it's actually Curtis.
Oh, it's all right.
It's all right, Adam.
I'mI'm proud of my work.
Jeez, don't break your arm patting yourself on the back.
Adam was actually just about to tell me how he and Curtis met.
- It was raining.
- Mm-hmm.
And we both reached for the cab door at the same time, right? And I was like, remember? I was like, "where are you headed?" - And I'm like - "Where are you headed?" And so we get to chatting, and whatnot.
And what we realized, that we have so much in common, you know? Like I love Revenge of The Nerds.
And I'm in Revenge of The Nerds.
Right.
Thank God.
It's Audrey.
Hey, uh, - did the, uh, doctor call? - Yeah, uh, he said the thing in my throat's just a node, and, uh, he's running some tests to make sure it's nothing.
And he said I shouldn't worry.
All right, so let me guess.
- You're going to worry.
- Of course I am! We won't know the test results till Monday.
I'm going to need you to keep me calm this weekend.
Just try to relax.
I can't! Good start.
I'll see you in a bit.
No test results until Monday.
This is devastating.
Oh, my God.
Is she going to be okay? Who? Audrey! Look, she's going to be fine.
But this whole throat thing is just going to wreck my weekend plans.
Dude, I am sure she can still do other stuff.
I'm supposed to go to Syracuse this weekend, to see my old college buddies.
- Oh, so go.
- I can't.
Wait.
Can I? You do, and she will resent you.
Yes, and when her, uh, test results come back fine, I will resent her.
Once again, in marriage, there are no winners.
You know, there may be a way for you to go and not have Audrey resent you.
Actors always have the answers.
Go ahead, Curtis.
Okay.
The key is, to have Audrey think it's her idea that you go.
How? Be such a nice guy that she'll feel too guilty to ask you to stay.
What? You know, Booger actually might be on to something here.
You know, I have made over 30 movies.
You played Booger in all of them? No! Just four.
- Wow! Fancy! - Huh? What gave you the idea for my day of beauty? - All the other days.
- Oh, you! But seriously, you deserve to be pampered.
You know, the way my stomach's going, I could use some pampers.
Bonjour.
Hey, - There you go.
- French! You know, I speak French to my husband.
With my tongue.
Stay down, Cobb salad.
What can we do for you today? Everything! I mean, whatever you got, throw it at her.
I'd like to look like January Jones in Mad Men.
Mmm.
Okay, you heard the lady.
January Jones in Mad Men, it is.
Hey, call your families.
You won't be home tonight.
Oh, we have a special delivery for Audrey Bingham.
Jeff, that is so Wait, is the special delivery what's behind the basket? Not this time.
Then that is very nice.
Uh, this stuff should just help keep your mind off of your test results.
Uh-huh.
Trashy magazines, wine, romantic movies.
Look at you, with your thoughtfulness.
And I'm going to be here every minute to take care of you and support you, even if it means not going on my guys' weekend to Syracuse.
Oh, God.
That's right.
- That's this weekend.
- It is.
Uh, but you Just say the word, and I will cancel it.
Oh, honey, don't be ridiculous.
Of course, I want you to stay.
Yeah, yeah, this will be fun.
I'm going to go open this wine.
Then we can watch that Tilda Swinton movie.
That's great advice, Booger.
You look beautiful.
Boy, it's really nice of you to invite me.
It can get lonely working on location, away from home.
- Oh - Well, it is the anniversary of our first date, so it makes sense that Booger's here.
You know, I'm getting a little tired of this, Jen.
Um, Curtis is more than just Booger.
- Oh - No, no.
He has done countless classics, okay? Risky Business, Better Off Dead.
I wrote additional material for the Goofy Movie.
Huh.
I did not know that.
Way to go, man.
Thank you, Adam.
What is happening? I'm sorry, I didn't mean to get upset.
This is our anniversary.
This is our special night.
- To us.
- To us.
Get in here, Curtis.
Hey, Timmy, thanks for coming.
They're ready to release Liz into the wild.
Well, sir, I'm sure they did a fine job.
- Mr.
Dunbar? - Yeah.
You can see your wife now.
All right.
Did you make her look like that hot chick from Mad Men? Hello, Don Draper.
Turn her back around.
God! My dad's going to laugh in my face.
Why, sir? Because she has the same hair as you? Look, the only time I've ever impressed my dad is with the hot chicks I've pulled.
Without that, in his eyes, I'm nothing.
All right, I've never told you this, for fear you'd insult my manhood.
But my aunt is a top stylist in London.
And I used to work for her during school breaks.
Totally gay.
But you think you can make Liz hot enough to show my dad? - I don't think I can.
- Oh - I know I can.
- Oh! Excuse me, Dr.
Lam.
Oh, Mr.
Bingham.
Did we have an appointment? Ah, no, I just need a quick favor.
I was hoping that we could get Audrey's test results early, you know? Before the weekend.
I'd like to help you, but it's really up to the lab.
I see.
How much? Excuse me? Times are tough.
You want to wet your beak.
I can play ball.
Let's dance.
I have patients to attend to.
You can show yourself out.
I get it.
You just want me to leave it on your desk.
Hello.
Oh, my God.
Already? Oh! That is such a relief.
Oh, thank you.
And please, please, thank Dr.
Lam for me.
Oh, I will.
Rest easy.
No worries, dear.
Bye-bye.
Wow.
A day of beauty and now this swanky joint.
Hey, my thong is so tight, I can taste it.
Okay, well, uh, why don't you go check out the hors d'oeuvres? Roger that.
Well, sir, your dad's sure to be impressed.
Mrs.
Dunbar looks stunning tonight.
Yeah, you don't know what stunning is to my dad.
Actually, I do.
He followed through on emailing me a photo of his new wife.
Oh, God.
Hi, mommy.
Oh, wonderful.
You got the picture.
- So what do you think, Russell? - Oh, it's great.
Great young, naked wife, dad.
Thank you.
There's another piece of the puzzle.
So where is this wife of yours? Liz! It's official My thong just got to fifth base.
Liz, this is my dad, Franklin.
- Oh, delighted.
- Mmm.
Well, the pleasure is all mine.
But I'm not sure "little" is the operative word.
He likes her boobs.
You're bawdy.
I like that in a captain of industry.
And I like that dress.
Oh, thank you.
Timmy picked it out.
Yeah, that figures.
He thinks I'm gay.
Always has.
So do I.
Liz, why don't you join me in the bar? Let me buy my new daughter-in-law a drink.
Well, I am a bit parched.
Although my pits sure aren't.
I hope this goes well.
Sir, isn't it time you stopped craving your father's approval? I don't crave his approval.
I just desperately need him to like her to feel good about myself.
Hey.
Hey! I'm so glad you're home.
- Doctor's office called.
- Oh! Wow.
That wasn't supposed to be till Monday.
That makes no sense.
I don't know, but they called.
Everything's okay.
Oh, that's great news.
Oh.
Mmm.
Well, I guess the lesson is that you really have to embrace life.
- Mmm.
- Travel.
Oh! Yeah, hey! You can go to Syracuse.
Oh, that's right! That's this weekend! Yeah! Go, go.
Have fun.
I don't know.
Are you sure you're going to be okay? Please, I'll be fine.
Hello.
Oh, hey, Dr.
Lam.
I'll see you on Sunday.
Oh, yeah, thanks, but someone from your office already called.
He was? Was he.
Freeze! Thanks for calling.
So the test results are good? Congratula Shut up! You actually had someone from the doctor's office call and lie? No, I called.
Gotcha.
What did you think would happen Monday, when I found out? I'm no genius.
You know that.
God, I should have known you were up to something the second you offered to stay with me.
You know, a few years ago, you never would have missed that.
So, now, where did we land Vis-à-vis? Wow! Well, you've got big ones, I'll give you that.
And I'm going to leave this one up to your conscience.
If, after what you have done, you can actually walk out that door All right, I'll see you on Sunday.
Ah You know, I had a lot of time to think, out there in the hall.
And, uh I'm thinking I should stay.
Mmm.
I'm thinking that might make the rest of your life tolerable.
Look, uh, I know I've been a jerk about this whole throat thing.
But I think it's just really been a defense mechanism.
I just I couldn't accept that anything could ever be wrong with you.
Wow.
Where'd that come from? My butt.
I just pulled it right out of there.
They've been over there too long.
She's going to say something gross.
Or her thong's going to snap and take his eye out.
Sir, I'm sure everything will be fine.
In fact, here she comes now.
You will not believe what just happened.
I knew it.
Which eye was it? What? No! Your father just propositioned me.
No! Really? Oh, that's great! See! Doesn't she get it? Not only does he approve of Liz, he wants to do her.
I win, Timmy, I win! Now wait, just a cotton-pickin' minute! Is that why you had your gay assistant get me all dolled up? I'm not gay.
I So you can Trot me in front of your father, like a prized hog at the county fair? I'm not sure you'd win any prizes.
And then you have the nerve to say that you win? Well, let me tell you something, Buster.
I'm the one who wins.
What? Not only do two guys want a piece of this, but they're father and son! "Dear Penthouse" Come on, hubby.
You have a thong to excavate.
Where have you been? I've been trying to reach you all day.
Coney Island.
Curtis had never been.
Look what he won me.
Hey Guess what I named him.
If you say Curtis, I will gut the bear.
I haven't named him yet.
Hey, I don't understand.
You're acting - like Curtis is your boyfriend.
- Oh, honey.
That's crazy, you know? I mean, he's a-a boy, and he's a friend, but LookI just really love Revenge of The Nerds.
You know, I totally identified with it.
Oh, did you used to get picked on? No, no, honey.
I was the handsome jock who bullied the nerds.
But someone stood up to you and taught you a lesson? No, no.
One tried, but I broke his stupid glasses and took his lunch money.
And I used that lunch money to rent Revenge of The Nerds.
Of course.
Shh! Oh, my God.
It's a text from Curtis.
"Heading home.
Got a job in L.
A.
" Wow.
I didn't even get to say good-bye.
Go to him.
You're the best.
I hope that's all that Booger gets.