Bob's Burgers s06e03 Episode Script

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Help me with that pigeon head.
I can't see anything.
Only on Fox.
Only on Fox.
Hi, everyone.
Hey, Teddy.
Hi, Teddy.
Hi, little witch.
Aah! It has a motion sensor.
It's okay, Teddy.
Calm down.
Look at her go.
She's all that and a pointy hat.
Is it me, or is she just doing the same thing over and over again? How's it work? It's electronic.
Just move your hand in front of it.
Aah! I just explained it.
Turn it off! She won't stop making eye contact with me! Aw, come on, Teddy.
Tomorrow's Halloween.
We're trying to get into the holiday spirit.
Boo! Yeah, we're even taking the kids to a haunted house this afternoon.
It's an annual tradition.
Like when Dad replaces all the sponges.
Sponge Day! They last longer than you think.
Ugh! Again with the haunted houses? I think I'll pass this year.
What's the matter, Louise? You don't like being scared? Are you kidding? I would love to be scared.
The problem is I see every scare coming a mile away.
Don't you? Why doesn't everyone? Haunted houses are so dumb.
Oh, a coffin.
Real original.
I wonder if something's gonna pop out of there.
Aah! Aah! Oh.
Aah! Okay, maybe wear less cologne next time.
Smell kind of gave you away.
He smells terrifying.
Sir you're making chainsaw noises with your mouth.
Sorry.
Yeah.
It's not fair.
Tina and Gene can be scared by anything.
Watch.
Aah! Aah! Clapping! And look at Teddy.
He gets scared by a toy witch.
Aah! Get out of here! Be nice to her.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry about that.
There.
There's your little hat.
See? I want that.
I mean, not that exactly but something like that.
That rush! That's a shame, Louise.
Hey, could I trouble you for another side of pickles! Aah! Nice try, Mort.
It's just not gonna work.
I can't be scared.
It's a curse.
Could I still get those pickles? No.
Oh.
I'm upset.
Louise, what if I told you this is the year you finally get scared? Because this haunted house is special.
How is it special? Is there a VIP list? Will there be any Hollywood bigwigs there? Is anyone from Murphy Brown coming? It's special because your father and I planned it! Wait, what? You two made a haunted house? Yep.
It's in a secret location.
We've been working on it all week.
You might want to wear pants you don't care about 'cause you're gonna be peein' in 'em! Scare me enough and I'll pee in your pants.
Deal.
Mom's bringing the scary and Dad's bringing the hairy.
Did you guys know about this? No.
No.
Okay.
Where is it? You'll see.
We should probably have a safeword.
I vote for, "Mom and Dad, stop it.
" All right! If you got it, haunt it.
When I see you I fall apart Like a zombie, I got too nervous Dad, this is the new Boyz 4 Now song.
That's great, Tina.
It just dropped today.
Don't say "dropped.
" - Dropped.
- Okay, okay.
I've never been in this neighborhood before.
Looks like a lot of old people live here.
See, it's already getting good.
Old people are scary.
Being an old person is scary.
Right, Mom and Dad? Mm.
Hey! It is.
Here we are.
I mean: here we are.
Now give your mom and me exactly four minutes to go inside and finish setting up.
And then enter if you dare.
Wait! I don't get it! Did you guys buy a house just to haunt? It's complicated! We'll explain later! What's the plan? You gonna flip this mamma jamma? Gonna need a paint job! All right, let's see what the old kooks have cooked up.
I hope it's not Dad in sandals.
Yeah, his toes are a nightmare.
Welcome! Nice to creep you.
Allow me to intro-boo myself.
I am the ghostess with the mostess! Hi, Mom.
I am not your mother.
I am Lady Bobbenstein, made in a lab from parts of beautiful dead women.
And they didn't have any other ankles? Just asking.
Gene! No, they're good.
They're good.
They're fine.
Ooh lightning! Aah! That could cause a seizure! Now, won't you join me for a tour of our spooky home laboratory? Oh, yeah, there's nothing scarier than a tour.
Let's do this! Yeah.
Follow me to the mad scientist who stitched me together, Dr.
Bobbenstein! Hello.
Here in my lab, I store human body parts to make my monsters.
Aah! That wig is scary and so are the countertops! I know! I can't look at them! And what's up with that backsplash? Uh-oh! There's rats tickling your toes! Aah! Aah! And now please stick your hand into this doctor box to feel human eyes! Uh Huh.
Excuse me, Doctor, I think you might need a refill on eyeballs.
Wh-What do you mean? There's nothing in here.
Do you guys need some time to work this out? Uh, hold on, hold on.
Just give us a second.
Okay.
Lin, did you forget to put the grapes in the box? You were supposed to get the grapes.
I got the spaghetti.
Okay, fine, just skip it.
Skip it.
Lady Bobben-steen Bobbenstein.
Stein.
It appears your stitches are coming undone.
Oh, no! My intestines! Aah! Yuck! Mom, angel hair? What? It's all we had.
It's just that's the least scary pasta.
It's in the name.
And now, while I stitch Lady Bobbenstein back up, get ready for the next part of our haunted tour.
I smell a costume change! You guys, I think I know what this haunted house needs.
Grapes? Should I call my guy? No, Gene.
It needs scares.
Someone in this house should get spooked.
I was spooked.
A little.
Were you? Maybe not.
I was either scared or chilly.
I was confused and anxious.
I say we show Mom and Dad how it's done.
You mean scare Mom and Dad in their own haunted house? That's right.
Let's turn our parents into "scare-ents.
" Yeah! And then back into parents in time for bath and bed.
How are we gonna scare Mom and Dad? Dad's scared of failure.
Where do we find some of that? Let's look in the cupboards.
No, no, no.
Just follow my lead.
And now for your next haunt, walk down the hallway, but whatever you do, don't open the closet door! Wow! This might be the scariest haunted house I've ever been to! Okay, here we come! Right, guys? Yeah, we're coming down the hall! Frightened and afraid! Aah! Two-headed monster! Aah! Where are the kids? I don't know.
It sounded like they were right here.
Kids? Gene? Louise? Tina? Look, Bob, the back door is open.
Kids? Kids! We don't even know this area.
They could be anywhere! Don't panic.
Let's look around.
We'll find them.
Kids?! Oh, God, Bob, look! It's Tina's glasses in a pile of leaves! Tina! Not like that! - Rawr! - Aah! Gotcha.
And that's how you scare somebody.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
They got us.
Gene, why are you in your underpants? Don't change the subject, Father! We just scared your pants off, not mine! Also, I was warm! Yeah.
You tricks just got treated.
I mean, kind of.
You basically just jumped out of a pile of leaves.
Yep.
And we put, like, a lot of effort into our thing.
Sad how ours worked better than yours, huh? Yeah.
It really is.
Well, should we go? Can we go to the other house that's ours, that's fine? No, we're not finished with our haunted house.
We haven't even gotten to the exorcism.
I think we're good, Mom.
I was gonna spin my head around in a circle and barf on your father.
Like the good ol' days.
Ha! Lin.
Lin, stop.
It's over.
Bleh.
We're-we're just not that good at this.
Hmm.
B-plus.
Maybe B-minus.
Hey, why give it a grade? Bob, don't give up.
We squeezed ourselves into this T-shirt.
We can't go home now.
Or we could.
You can spin your head around at home while we watch TV.
All right, fine, you sour candies, we'll go home.
Gene, you're gonna put your clothes back on, right? Oh, am I? I You're the one making it weird, Dad.
Oh, crap.
We have a flat tire.
What? Here, I'll blow it up.
Give it to me, give it to me.
What about the spare? That was the spare.
All four of these are spares.
Are you talking about us? I guess I'll call for a tow.
Oh, great.
I'm not getting any reception here.
That old man is staring at us.
That's weird.
Hello? Can we help you? Take a picture! It'll last longer! Wait, don't take it yet! Catch me just as I'm looking over my shoulder.
Now! Oh, come on, how can I not have any bars? Why's he staring at us? Maybe we just have that certain something that makes you want to stare at us and not say anything while holding gardening shears.
Hi! Hello, sir! Cell reception, huh? Not so great around here? Okay, he's not saying anything.
Um why don't we go back inside and see if the landline works? Bye, creepy man! Keep it creepy! Lock it, Bob.
Yeah.
Good idea.
Oh, thank God.
It works.
Wow, this phonebook is, like, from the '90s.
Let's see if Tony Toni Tow-me is still in business.
Hey, Mom, question, why does this house have mothball smell? Follow-up question, whose house is this? David Lee Mothball? Maybe the owner of a mothball team? It's an empty house that Mort said we could use.
It belonged to one of his clients.
Uh what was that? Gene, did that come out of you? My butt doesn't have the technology! Yet.
Huh.
It was probably just the pipes.
Oh, hi, uh, I, uh I need a tow truck.
I have a flat tire.
Or I'll need a tire.
Or-or air, I guess, for the tire.
But you're the professional.
Wait, Mom, did you say this house is one of Mort's clients'? Yeah, why? Mort's a mortician, so aren't his clients all dead people? All right, pipes.
We heard you the first time.
Stop being so desperate for attention.
Everybody, keep it down, please.
Uh the address is Oh, shoot, I don't know the address.
Uh, hold on-- Lin, go outside and look at the house number.
No.
Oldie Scissorhands is out there.
Oh, wait, I wrote it down.
It's, uh, is that "Poplar" or "Popular"? No, streets aren't called Popular.
Aah! Whoa.
Oh, my God, Bob.
There's something in the basement! No, no, no.
The phone line is dead.
And it's dark! It's literally a triple threat! What could possibly make a sound like that? It's probably just a raccoon or a possum running around in the basement.
So did this raccoon and/or possum shake the whole house and turn off all the lights, Father?! Gene, it probably just chewed through a wire and then that short circuited the fuse breaker thing.
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm, go on.
You clearly know what you're talking about.
Uh I don't like the sound of that sound.
We should get out of this house, Bob.
No, no, Lin, the tow truck is coming.
We have to wait for it.
Look, why don't I just go downstairs and see what's making the noise? I'm sure there is nothing to be afraid of.
Then we can relax until the tow truck gets here.
Dark, dark, dark, dark, dark, dark, dark, dark, dark! Uh Leave the light, Bob.
Are you crazy? Well, I can't see what's in the basement if I don't have the light, Lin.
All right, fine.
We're coming with you.
Just a fun family trip to the basement to get killed.
Gene, we're not gonna get killed.
Maimed.
Stabbed.
Lin.
Linda.
Beaten.
Burned.
Lin.
Stop.
What? See? It's just a normal, dark, very, very dark basement.
Lin, you're digging your fingernails into my arm.
Oh, sorry.
Can I dig my fingernails into your other arm, Dad? Sure, Tina.
Yes.
I call love handles.
That's my word for the butt.
I'm already holding it.
Just 'cause I don't want to fall down the stairs.
Dad's butt is very sturdy.
Thank you, Louise.
It is.
Oh look, they have a puddle in their basement, too.
It's ghost pee.
Gene, it's not ghost pee.
Look, see, everything seems fine.
Nothing weird.
There's a washing machine.
A furnace.
Some old boxes of junk.
And a ghost! Aah! What is that? Okay, it's not a ghost.
It's not a ghost.
It's just a uh a cloak.
It's a cloak.
It's a cloak.
See? Nothing to worry about.
Yeah, there's nothing scary about a dark cloak hanging from a meat hook in a dead person's basement! Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Plenty of people have cloaks, right? Monks, and w-wizards and Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm, sure.
Liberace.
Yup.
Uh, Ann Wilson from Heart.
Definitely.
Maybe it's just a really dark, scary night shirt.
Run! Oh, my God.
All right, we're getting out of this house.
Good idea.
Everybody, follow me.
Okay.
Oh, God.
There's something right outside, Bobby.
Uh everyone upstairs, now.
We got to hide somewhere.
How about behind Dad? I'm not big enough.
Keep telling yourself that, pal.
You guys.
Look.
That isn't a good use of that room.
Yeah, let's maybe rule that room out.
Uh, uh, um, yeah, the bathroom.
Let's go in the bathroom.
Yeah, let's go to the bathroom.
Okay.
Let's talk about what we just saw.
I, for one, did not care for it.
That doll makes me miss the cloak in the basement.
Louise, I wish I was un-scare-able like you.
Yeah, it's just dumb cult stuff.
Nothing to be scared of.
I mean, what is it with the sticks these days, right? What if it's the ghost of the person who used to live here and they hate mustaches? Then two of you are in trouble.
It's not a ghost, Lin.
There's no such thing as ghosts.
Fine, then, Bob.
What do you think it is? It's probably just a murderer.
What? No, it's not a murderer, Tina.
It's probably just the wind.
Inside wind.
It-it happens a lot in these old houses.
I know about inside wind.
I know about it right now.
Sorry, everybody.
Ugh, Gene.
Come on.
It's something bad.
It's gonna kill us in this bathroom and it's gonna it's gonna be easy to clean up 'cause of the tile floor.
Linda, you're not helping.
Also, will you take off that bald cap? It's freaking everyone out.
I didn't even know I still had it on.
It's comfortable.
Wait, listen.
Oh, my God.
The wind is coming up the stairs.
Okay, nobody move.
Nobody say a word.
Dad.
Yes.
I feel like you're doing a really good job as a dad.
Thank you, Gene.
I'm having a good childhood.
Okay, great.
Not right now, but overall.
I got it.
Thanks.
No, thank you.
Uh, okay Thank you for your service.
Just, um, try and be quiet.
Whatever it is, it's right outside.
You guys, if we go out this window, we can get on the roof.
Um yeah.
Go, go, go.
Now what? We're on a freakin' roof.
The only way down is down.
Oh, my God.
I hope the tow truck is coming.
Please let the tow truck be coming.
And I hope they bring a ladder.
And the police.
Mom and Dad, you would tell us if we knew how to fly, right? Uh, you guys That seems weird and bad.
Maybe that's Tony, Toni, and Tow-me? Holy crap! Oh, my God! We're surrounded by a ring of fire! Who has a ring of water? Aah! Is this what Burning Man is? Because I don't like it! What do we do? What do we do? We got scary cloak people down there and something creepy chasing us in there.
And I'm scared of heights and cloak people and being killed.
Ah! I have reception.
I'm calling for help.
My emergency contact is Jimmy Jr.
If you can't reach him, you can also try 911.
Oh, crap! Aah! That's fine.
No big deal.
We don't need that.
Oh, my God, they're gonna sacrifice us.
I hate this neighborhood.
Okay, everybody just stay calm, all right? We're up here.
They're down there.
There's no way they can get to us.
Yeah.
They're not even a great cult, anyway.
Just a circle of fire, you know, some cloaks, and a creepy doll with twigs for eyes, right? What's so scary about that? That's not scary.
That's not scary! Louise Louise, sweetie, sweetie, baby.
What is happening? Gotcha.
Wha? We got you.
Huh? We gotcha.
You wanted to be scared, Louise.
Well, I think we scared you.
Wait a You, uh What We planned the whole thing.
What? : What? Aw, you should see the look on your face.
You see? It's you, scared.
So they're in on it, too? Hi, Louise.
Happy Halloween.
It's Teddy from your dad's restaurant.
Teddy? Hi, Louise.
Mort? Aah! Hey, hey, easy.
That's my mother.
Say hi, Mom.
No, Mom.
We're done.
It's over.
We did it.
And this nice man with the hedge clippers is Mort's mom's new boyfriend, Arthur.
Hi, how you doing.
I call him Arth Vader.
'Cause of the way he breathes.
He has allergies.
Gene? Tina? You two were in on this too? Yeah, we were acting.
I practiced all my lines last night.
Like this: "Aah.
" I wanted to do the whole thing with a Cockney accent, but Mom nixed it.
I-I don't understand.
How did you do all this? And how did I fall for it? It was a lot of work.
So many e-mails.
This is Mort's mom's house.
And it's perfect 'cause it's old and creepy.
And nicely decorated.
Very homey.
First we had to do the decoy haunted house.
Yeah, why did you do a decoy haunted house? That was Tina's idea.
It was genius.
She said we had to do the world's worst haunted house so that you wouldn't suspect us.
Oh, I was talking about something else when I said that.
Wait.
Really? Hey, a good idea's a good idea.
Besides, it wasn't the world's worst haunted house.
The bald caps were good.
The spaghetti Unbelievable.
You guys set me up.
And we almost got away with it.
Oh, wait! We did! Yup.
While you were going through the decoy haunted house, Teddy took the air out of our tire.
Yeah.
And I also cut the brake line.
I thought that would be scary, too.
Teddy, are you serious? Hey, let's not worry about that, Bobby.
Finish your story.
Mort hid in the basement and made scary sounds.
Mort, how did you make that crazy croaking sound? That actually came out of me.
I threw my back out when I was making that big boom sound.
I'm in a lot of pain.
The ring of fire was Mort's idea.
Is it gonna hurt my grass? No, Mom.
No, no.
It'll be fine.
It's non-burning fire.
And Arthur was really nice to offer to help.
He's only known Mort's mom for three weeks.
But it sounds like it's going really well.
We're just having fun and seeing where it goes.
No pressure, no labels.
I get it.
So, yeah, that's how it all came together.
We love you, baby.
Hope you liked it.
Liked it? It was freakin' incredible! I'm still shaking.
Look.
Look at this.
I can't stop.
Oh, it's great.
I got scared.
I got scared! Oh, you're the best family in the whole world.
Aw, my little scream queen.
Happy Halloween, Louise.
Bring it in, everybody.
Bring it in.
I love my family Lin so much.
Lin, careful.
We're on a roof.
Storm moving in, everyone.
Stop it, Mort.
I startle easily.
Ah, Mort, you little Hey, girl.
Yo, girl.
Halloween has gotten so commercialized.
So many commercials.
Let's try to get back to what it's really about.
What's it about, Boo Boo? Love.
Oh, that's right.
Yeah.
When I see you, I fall apart Like a zombie I got too nervous to ask you out To the prom-bie I wish I could make you mine When I open my mouth I sound like Frankenstein Who's the girl? How'd she get in the video? She's not a Boy 4 Now.
She won an essay contest.
It had to be under I couldn't cut mine down.
Yeah, that's rough.
That's Allen does not make a believable mummy.
There's that idiot Boo Boo.
It was his dumb birthday last week.
Not that I care or even know that.
Uh, uh Whoo Girl it's freaky My heart is weaky My teeth are extra sharp My body's extra hairy I'm running in the dark I love you so much it's scary Ooh, yeah, scary It's scary, girl ALL: Rap time.
I close my eyes and you're still there You're the girl of my dreams, nope, my nightmares You're like Jason, Mike Myers, Carrie and Freddy But I don't want to run away, I want to go steady Is that a different Allen from the last video? No.
Yes What? Yes, it is.
No, it isn't.
They switch Allens sometimes, Bobby.
No, they don't.
Don't tell Teddy.
That's his favorite one.
He's a big Allen guy.
It's Halloween I'm scared of the dark Going door to door To your mama's house I can feed her Got to get that candy Okay, this took a turn.
It's like a reverse Thriller.
Nice.
Trick or treat Captioned by Girl, it's freaky - Sing it.
- Uh You trick or treat me - Dad, sing.
- Come on, Dad, sing it.
My teeth are extra sharp My body's extra hairy I'm running in the dark I love you so much it's scary Girl, it's freaky You trick or treat me My teeth are extra sharp My body's extra hairy I'm running in the dark