Mike & Molly s06e03 Episode Script

Mmm, another great dinner, Ma.
Thanks, Mikey.
Makes me feel good to know you get at least one decent meal a week.
Well, you know I cook for him.
I know.
Peggy, healthy food can be delicious, too.
Right, Mike? Yeah, that's what you keep telling me.
Hey, by the way, what are you doing next Wednesday at 5:30 a.
m.
? Um, let's see.
Unless I get a paper route I will be sleeping.
Mm.
My church group is taking a van to the casino in Rockford.
I could use a seatmate and maybe we could go halfsies on a penny slot.
Wait a minute, is this next Wednesday? I actually have a real excuse why I can't go.
I got tickets for that pl I got tickets for a play.
Oh, yeah, you're going to see that thing about werewolves.
I'm, well, I'm going to see a play at Steppenwolf.
It's the most, it's the most famous theater in Chicago? Right, and thank you for not making me go.
All right, I'll go to your werewolf play, but next time we do my thing.
Wait, what? If you're going to take a trip with my ma, can I have the guys over for cards? No, we're not taking a trip together.
So, I go to your dumb play and you do squat for me? I never asked you to come to the play with me.
Oh, fine, after I rearranged my whole schedule.
You didn't change anything.
So, is that a no on poker? Yes.
So that's a yes on poker? No.
All right.
Don't snap at him.
You're the one promising him things and then taking them away.
All right, we're done.
Dinner's over.
Oh, fine, go ahead and go.
Cut into the only time I spend with my son all week.
There it is.
Okay, if you're not being a bully, you're playing the martyr.
You know why I don't want to take a trip with you? Because you are 100% pure uncut misery.
You suck the joy out of any situation.
You are a joyless fun-sucker.
Yeah.
All right.
Let me have it, Peggy.
Okay, vomit up the bile like you always do.
Tell me why I'm such a horrible, ungrateful daughter-in-law.
Mom? Oh, faking a heart attack.
Classic fun-sucker move.
Molly, she's not faking.
Call 911.
Oh, my God.
Okay.
All right.
Oh, I can't I hate this purse.
I can't find anything.
Use the landline.
Good idea.
Good idea.
It's okay, Ma.
It's okay.
Keep listening to my voice.
You're gonna be okay.
Okay, I dialed my cell phone.
When it rings, pick it up and then dial 911.
Just call 911! Better.
You're going to be okay.
La, la-ba-dee-da La, la-ba-dee-da For the first time in my life I see love I see love For the first time in my life I see love Hey.
How's she doing? Well, she seemed to come around in the ambulance and when the paramedic opened her shirt, she slapped him and called him a pervert, so Well, that's a good sign.
So, so what happened? Excellent question.
I mean, really excellent, uh, question.
Who, who knows what ever actually, really is ever happening.
Eh, you know.
So she just keeled over, right out of the blue? Yep, yep, yep, yep.
I mean, we were, we were talking about taking a, a trip together to the casino.
And our, our schedules weren't, weren't quite lining up.
And um, you know, she may have started to get a, a little bit upset about that, but Oh, so, you were fighting.
That makes more sense.
No, no, no, no.
We were not fighting.
We were having a spirited conversation.
So you were really giving it to her.
No.
No.
Why am I on trial here? I mean, Peggy had a heart attack.
We are all very concerned.
End of story.
Got it.
You weren't even there.
You could say you were with me and Joyce.
Yeah, we were playing rummy.
This helps us, too.
No, nobody's helping anybody.
I didn't do anything wrong.
Hey.
Hey, how is she? What'd the doctor say? It was a mild heart attack.
She's resting, they're going to keep her overnight for observation, but we should be able to bring her home tomorrow.
Okay, good.
Thank God.
How are you doing? I've been better.
I'm just, I'm glad she's okay.
Me, too.
Me, me, too.
You know, Carl, we've seen it all on this job.
But when it's your mother laying on the ground, nothing can prepare you for that.
Yeah, it's a good thing you were there.
Damn right.
I'm such a terrible son.
I had to drag myself over to that Sunday dinner.
Hey, come on now.
It's not just about your mother, all right.
You drag yourself everywhere.
I think it's your low center of gravity, just Well, she deserves better.
I mean, she raised me all by herself on a lunch lady's paycheck.
Do you know how hard that is? Mm.
They sacrifice everything for us.
And what do we do for them? Nothing.
Actually, I bought mine a Kindle and a well for her village.
So speak for yourself.
I'm telling you, man, this is a wakeup call.
I'm getting a second chance with her.
I'm not going to take it for granted.
Good for you.
I'm not going to let things go unsaid.
I'm going to make sure she knows how I feel.
As you should.
And if you love somebody, tell them.
It doesn't cost you nothing.
Mike.
Don't say it, Carl.
Man, don't flatter yourself.
I was going to ask you to pass me the salt.
Thank you.
And I love you.
All right.
Vince, how we doing? Just finished.
So you got the bench and the handrails in the shower? Check.
And that elevated toilet seat is in and works like a charm, once you get used to the splashing.
I told you to stay off of it.
You kidding? That's like baking a cake without taking a bite.
Okay, are we missing anything? I mean, should we cover the outlets or is that just for babies? Molly, relax, you've done plenty.
I ever tell you the time I was watching my neighbor's parrot while they were on vacation? Nope.
I never let that thing out of my sight until one day I left him in a hot car because they wouldn't let birds in the bowling alley.
I felt awful.
Car smelled like fried chicken for two weeks.
Vince.
Is there a point to your story? I'm just saying guilt is a funny thing.
Eventually I forgave myself.
Maybe you should do the same.
There's no need for forgiveness.
I'm being a good daughter-in-law.
You're the one that murdered a parrot.
Hey, we both got blood on our hands.
Mine's just got feathers mixed in.
Trust me, Vince, if I could cause a heart attack, you'd be floppin' on the floor right now.
Here we are, home sweet home.
Hi, Peggy.
Oh, look who got her color back.
They must've been giving you nitroglycerin because you look dynamite.
Ah.
Get out.
Well, Vince, you heard her.
No, you.
Get the hell out of my house.
What? There's an elevated toilet seat, just watch out for the splashing.
Why are you making her soup when she threw you out of her house? She just went through a trauma.
She's lashing out at the first person she saw.
Didn't she see Mike first? And Vince was there, too.
Well You know what? I'm the strongest, and she knew that I could take it.
And frankly, I'm glad I could be there for her.
Hey.
Hey.
I just got to grab some stuff and then I'm headed back over to Mom's.
Oh good.
You know what, take this with you.
I made her turkey noodle soup.
And I left the bones in 'cause I know she loves to crack 'em.
Ah, that, that's okay, leave it here.
No, Mike, come on, I want to help.
Don't you think you've done enough? What's that supposed to mean? Look, uh, I don't want to get into this right now.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
Come on, you can't blame all of this on me, can you? You mean, would she have had a heart attack if you hadn't yelled at her? It's a good question.
Hey, let's go do that thing we were going to do.
To get away from their fighting? Yes.
We are not fighting.
Yes, we are.
Look, all she wanted was to spend a little time with you, and you couldn't give her that.
Mike, I spent the last six months with her writing a book.
I did my time.
My mother is not a stretch at Joliet.
I didn't mean it like that.
Admit it, you never liked her.
When have I ever denied it? Ah, here we go.
Easy with the leg.
I'm not Nadia Comaneci.
Well, I'm just trying to make you comfortable, Ma.
Eh.
All right, do you feel any of the following? Dizziness? No.
Numbness? No.
Any pain? Yep.
Where? Right in front of me.
Look, I'm just following doctor's orders.
And by the way, you can't have a BLT.
Too many nitrates.
Ah, what do these doctors know? They keep flip-flopping on stuff.
One day smoking's bad, one day it's good.
But it, it actually says on the package, "This will kill you.
" You'll see.
I'm just glad you're home and okay.
I don't know what I'd do if something happened to you.
I told you, open that metal box in the attic.
Everything you need to know is in there.
And if the dog's alive, put him down.
I'm not killing your dog.
I'm not asking you to strangle him.
There's a biscuit in the freezer marked, "Do not eat.
" All right, well, we'll worry about that later.
You know, in a weird way, I'm actually glad all of this happened.
Great, I'll see if I can work up a stroke for your next birthday.
That's not what I meant.
I'm just saying, it gives us a chance to talk, so things don't go unsaid.
Like what? Well, like I love you.
I know that.
What else you got? That was kind of the biggie.
You got anything you want to say to me? Yeah.
Open casket, blue dress for me, blue sweater for the dog.
All right, you want mayo on that BLT? Thanks.
Mom, you got a sec? Everything okay, sweetie? Oh, yeah, I just I can't sleep.
Come here.
Tell Mommy what the trouble is.
Poppy's here, too.
I just, I keep going over and over the fight I had with Mike, and I-I've been really thinking hard about what he said.
Good for you, honey.
Self-reflection's not an easy thing to do.
No, it's not.
And, you know, the more I think about it, and Peggy's heart attack and, and what led up to it the more I'm starting to realize, I did absolutely nothing wrong.
I thought she was going the other way with that.
Could you just let her get to her point.
No, that was my point.
Really? Did I say some horrible things to Peggy? Yes, because she makes me.
I mean, she is the meanest, most obstinate, uh, obnoxious woman in the world.
And if anything was to ever happen to her, I don't know what I'd do.
Oh, honey.
You know, I don't know how she did it, but that old witch made me love her.
Well, she raised Mike.
There must be something good in there.
I know.
Peggy doesn't give a damn what anybody thinks, or, I mean, she's brutally honest and she's probably the only person that isn't afraid of me.
She's right about that.
Take it easy.
I'm just agreeing with you.
Oh, damn it.
You okay, Ma? Oh yeah, what the hell are you doing in here? Well, I heard a crash.
Suction on the shower caddy gave out.
Well, we both had a good run.
All right, thank God.
Look, don't move, I'll get it.
Oh, the hell you will.
Look, this is no time for modesty.
I am not an invalid.
No, you're a woman who just had a heart attack.
Now back up, I'm going in blind.
All right.
Thanks, Mikey.
Must've taken some guts to come crashing in here.
I'll admit, I busted through a lot of doors over my years, but, uh, that one was the hardest.
Oh, seems like yesterday I was giving you baths in that sink.
Really? Oh, yeah.
You'd sit there like a little wet Buddha, sucking on a stick of Right Guard.
You let me suck on deodorant? Relax, it was the unscented kind.
Listen, the last thing I want to be is a burden to you.
Stop it.
This is just a little setback.
You and I both know where this is going.
I hate that you got to go through it with me.
Well, I don't.
I'm your son.
I'm honored.
You put diapers on me, and when the time comes, I will hire someone to put diapers on you.
You're a good boy, Mikey.
Now, hand me that razor and a can of Barbisol.
Time for some spring cleaning.
Oh, careful on that floor, Mikey.
When it gets wet, it's like an ice rink.
Hey, don't worry about me.
Mikey, you all right? No! Oh, Mikey, I'm coming.
Wait.
Okay, now you can help me.
Oh.
Oh, my God.
Hey, you.
How are you feeling, honey? Great.
Oh, you're so pretty.
Okay, okay.
Don't let that pretty stuff go to your head.
That's the dope drip talking.
Okay, what happened? I was taking a shower with my mommy.
Boy, he is he is really out of it.
No, that's actually true.
I was in the shower, he was trying to help me shave my Eh, eh, eh and the end.
Wow, I can't, uh, seem to keep this family out of the hospital.
Listen, Peggy, if, if you think that I did something that may have caused your heart attack, I'm sorry.
Oh, please, don't flatter yourself.
You couldn't kill me if you tried.
Well well, then why are you so mad at me? Just drop it.
Well, I think I think we both know I'm not going to do that.
We worked side by side for six months straight and you won't sit next to me for a three hour van ride? Peggy, it's actually six hours round-trip.
Well, I'm sorry it's such a hardship for you.
You know, I thought that's what friends do together.
Friends? Never mind.
No, no, now, I just have never thought of us that way.
I just need a minute to kind of roll it around in there.
I like it.
You know? Friend.
I regretted it as soon as I said it.
Well, no take backs.
You know what I like to do to my friends? To hug 'em.
I like to hug 'em.
I liked you better when you were trying to kill me.
Are you guys hugging? I am so high.
What a crew, huh? Don't worry, we won't have to ride back with these girls.
They're getting the early shuttle.
Why aren't we getting the early shuttle? Are you kidding? Once these old biddies warm up the slots, we'll have the pick of the litter.
Plus, at midnight, it's half off shrimp.
Boy, a long van ride and midnight shrimp.
Mm-hmm.
Does it get any better? See? And you didn't want to come.
Who is this, Peggy? My daughter-in-law.
I thought you didn't care for her.
No, it's my other one.
You don't have another one.
Come on, we got three hours ahead of us.
You going to make this awkward?