Rules of Engagement s06e03 Episode Script

Woah.
Do you have to have a procedure? Is it serious? She deserves and your big deal? I'm having surgery, Jeff.
Yeah, I'm just saying it's gonna be fun.
A doctor is removing a part of my body.
My God, you are insensitive! It's gonna be fine, Audrey.
Thank you.
Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute.
Isn't thatIsn't that what Jeff was just Oh, it's not worth it.
MarriageIt's not a word, it's a sentence.
Am I right, fellas? God, it's still so weird that Russell's married.
Yeah.
It's like seeing a horse wearing a top hat.
- Need a refill? - Oh, yeah, thanks.
- Can I get you anything else? - Uh, I think I'm good.
Ooh, actually I could use Sorry, not my section.
You see that, everybody? She gives him coffee and ignores me.
It worked out this time, 'cause I looked down her shirt, but still.
Yeah, well, life's pretty easy for Mr.
Handsome here.
Exactly.
Hey, well, maybe I'm in her section and Russell isn't.
You're at the same table.
You don't know how they divvy it up.
He's right.
Let me check.
- Uh, excuse me.
- Yes? Hey, uh, is he in your section but the rest of the table is not? That's kind of a dumb question.
Actually, it's his theory.
Oh.
You're adorable.
Let me get you some free pie.
Oh.
How--how 'bout that? Hey, you guys should see if they're giving away pie in your section.
Sir Your wife is on the phone.
Eechh.
Tell her I'm in a meeting.
Wait, I don't want to lie.
Set up a meeting.
Fine.
And can you go to that meeting for me? Those things are so pointless.
Mrs.
Dunbar, hello again.
Um, I can't seem to locate him.
Is there a message I can give? You can't wait to do what with him? This seems wildly personal.
Do I really have to okay, go on.
Uhh! Uh-huh.
Uh, sorry, wait.
Was that "beside" or "inside"? "Inside," of course.
And as the vomit gushes upward, I bid you adieu.
Sir, if my duties have expanded to include this type of thing, I'm going to insist on your giving me a raise.
Does this say "glow"? That's a "b.
" Now It's been three years.
All you need to do is sign a piece of paper.
All right, I'll sign it, but first you have to do something for me.
The company's going through a little re-org action and somebody has to be fired.
Me.
Please say it's me.
It's Lester in accounting.
I tell you what.
You help me break the news to Lester and I'll give you your little raise.
And why can't you just do it, sir? Ah, you know how I hate to be the bad guy.
I don't know that at all.
Just the other day, you pantsed Gil at his retirement luncheon.
I did that dude a favor.
His thank you speech was bombing.
Hey.
Great news.
Oh, did your throat thing go well? That is great news.
Well, it's good news.
The great news is Are you ready for this? She can't talk.
Not for a whole week.
So bingo, daddy wins the lottery.
That's big.
Congratulations.
Thanks, buddy.
I appreciate it.
You are such a jerk.
That's the best part.
If she tries to talk, it's really painful.
Hey, I'm just kidding around.
I'm glad it went well.
All I want is for you to feel better, okay? That being said, I've been waiting for this day since our honeymoon.
Hey, listen, if it's too much, say the word and I'll stop.
Great.
Ah, well, there's an age-appropriate snack.
Why are you eating a candy apple? Finally get to the bottom of your Halloween bag? No.
The lady at the street fair gave it to me.
Gave it to you? Oh, I'm sick of you getting free stuff.
He gets free drinks at bars.
Well, that's for everyone, right? Your first drink's free from lady bartenders.
Or the gay man ones.
No, it's just for you because they think you're attractive.
Like the waitress with the free pie.
I could get that waitress even if I didn't look like this.
Actually, we're engaged, so you can't "get her.
" Whatever.
I'm just saying, people are into me 'cause of my personality.
Yeah, and girls like Brad Pitt because he cares about New Orleans.
Lester in there? As you requested, sir.
All right, this is gonna be tough firing him, be we can do it.
Okay, now you start, but when it comes time to bring down the hammer, I take over.
- You got it? - Got it.
Okay.
Hey, Timmy.
Ah, Lester.
It's good to see you.
Yeah.
Any idea why Mr.
Dunbar called me in? Actually, yes.
Do your job! All right, then.
Now, Lester, as you know, the economy is in pretty rough shape.
Oh, I know.
That's why I'm so thankful to have this job.
Yes, but the fact is, uh, even Dunbar Industries is forced to reduce its staff.
Oh, that sounds like a great chance for me to assume more responsibility.
Uh, that actually won't be necessary.
Oh, I'm happy to do it.
I won't even take time off next week when my wife gives birth.
You're having a baby? Well, babies.
Twins.
Oh, well, at least you have your health.
- Actually - You've got to be kidding me.
Hey, hon, how was your day? Oh, that's right.
You can't talk.
Darn it.
'Cause, uh, tonight I was gonna sit down and have you tell me about your thoughts and feelings, all about your friends and the fascinating things they said.
Oh, well, I guess I'll just have to drink beer and watch TV instead.
"My dad called.
Call him back.
" Aw, come on.
Your dad goes on forever about stuff I could care less about.
I guess you're not adopted.
"You're a moron.
" Had that one pre-written, did we? Fine.
Yeah, hey, Earl, it's Jeff.
Uh, Audrey's doing well.
She said you called.
Oh, okay.
Okay.
I will.
Thanks.
Wow.
That was the best conversation we ever had.
Concise and right to the point.
Oh, your aunt died.
So, what were you like before you met Adam? Pretty easy or? You had to buy me a few drinks or a drink.
But here's a little secret.
Women enjoy sex too.
That has not been my experience.
Hi, guys.
What did you do to yourself? I busted out the Halloween makeup kit.
I'm gonna prove a point.
I don't know what's going on here, but this is gonna be great.
Everyone thinks the world is nice to me because of my looks.
I'm gonna prove you're all wrong.
Yo, yo.
Could I get a vodka tonic? Sure thing.
See, even looking like this, people are gonna treat me the same way.
Tonight when we get home, I'm not.
Thanks, sweet cheeks.
Uh, sir, that's $8.
Oh, no, this is my first one.
Congratulations.
It's still $8.
I didn't bring my wallet.
Just put it on our tab.
Now will you please take the makeup off? Don't listen to her.
Keep going.
Yeah, well, I didn't get a chance to use my personality on the bartender.
Yeah? You'll see.
My personality could get half the girls here into the sack.
But again, you can't.
We're engaged.
Would you stop obsessing about that? Watch this.
- Hey, there.
- Hey.
Bet you don't need sugar in that drink 'cause you're sweet enough.
Could you be any cheesier? Uhh! I can't believe this.
I can't believe you're marrying him.
Hi.
My name's Jill.
Oh, I'm sorry.
There's been a misunderstanding.
You see, I'm actually incredibly handsome.
I'm so sorry about aunt Lucy.
She was the really big one, right? She always smelled like funyuns? She was a good egg.
She also smelled like eggs.
What are you writing? Things I remember about aunt Lucy.
You found a way to talk.
What medicine gave me, technology has taken away.
I want to give a eulogy at the funeral.
How? My voice should be better by then.
If it isn't, you can always have your sexy little robot friend do it for you.
You're disgusting.
You really think this voice is sexy? I do.
And I wonder what she has to say next.
You are so hot, Jeff.
Let's have sex and then cut up all my credit cards.
Hi, Timmy.
Oh, hello, Mr.
Rhodes.
Hey, why don't cannibals eat clowns? What now? Because they taste funny.
- Indeed.
- Okay, all right.
Um, what do you call a dog with no legs? I really am It doesn't matter what you call him, because he ain't comin'.
That's pretty funny, right? Mr.
Rhodes, to what do I owe this rather odd verbal assault? Well, Timmy, you know, I've realized that I kind of skate by on my looks, so I've decided to let my personality emerge.
You really think that's wise? Yes.
I'm funny.
And I'm also a very good listener.
People like that.
Go on.
It's a little more complicated than that, don't you think? - Sir? - Oh, I'm so sorry.
I was thinking about birds.
What I was trying to say is that you can't just invent a personality overnight.
It's something that takes shape over time.
- Like a nest.
- Enough with the birds.
All right.
All right, Timmy.
I'll just let you get back to work.
Actually, it's not work at all.
I felt so badly about firing poor Lester, I've taken it upon myself to find him another job.
"Eco-friendly buildings for low-income housing.
" Mm-hmm.
Good salary, solid benefits.
Well, Lester should be pretty happy.
Mm, I should think so.
This job is actually way better than, uh Than mine.
Tastefully decorated room.
Lovely flowers.
Hey, it looks like they squeezed her into a regular-sized casket.
Sir, a moment, please.
Timmy, can you come in here for a second? Take a look at this photo.
Do you think this picture's a fake? Oh, no, I'm sure it's a genuine photograph of Pippa Middleton and J.
Lo going at it.
Now, as you know, sir, I let Lester go.
I mean, where would they have met? - Sir.
- She lives in England.
Sir, I held up my end of the deal.
Now it's your turn to hold up yours.
Oh, yeah, your raise.
What a buzz kill.
I don't know, Tim.
I mean, the economy's kind of in a shambles right now.
You are going to give me a substantial raise, and if you don't, I will leave and take this job.
"Eco-friendly housing"? Snore.
Sent them my resume, had a meeting.
The job's mine if I want it.
But look at this crappy salary.
It's 20% more than I make here.
But can you really put a price on working with friends? Hmm.
I detest you.
And in addition to matching their offer, you will also start treating me like a human being.
Oh ho ho! Wowee.
Well, that's asking a lot.
I have the leverage.
Bah bah bah bah ah bll-bll-bll-bll No on the human being.
Pass.
Wait.
Koko the gorilla, the one they taught to read and write.
Eh How about this? That's more man than ape, and I think it's very fair.
What can one say about Lucille? Oh, man, at least Lucy gets to lie down.
Do you still think you can speak? How's your voice? Better.
Aud, you can't do this.
It is important to me.
And the next speaker will be Lucy's beloved niece Audrey.
Hey, I'll tell you what.
We'll go up there together and I'll read your speech for you.
This just says, "you're a moron.
" You left your speech at home? Don't worry.
I've got this.
Hey, Jeff Bingham here.
I'm speaking for my dumb wife Audrey.
Dumb in that she can't speak, not stupid.
She's actually really smart, which often comes back to bite me in the ass.
Yeah, aunt Lucy.
She's right in there.
Well, where does Where does one start? Uh, she loved funyuns.
Eggs.
That's enough.
I want to do this.
I want to tell you something about aunt Lucy that even Audrey doesn't know.
When Audrey and I were first dating, uh, I came out here to meet her family, and it was pretty intimidating.
I was feeling a lot of pressure.
And one night aunt Lucy came up to me and she said, "Jeff, Audrey is a strong woman "because she comes from this strong family, but as long as you love her, we will all love you.
" She was right, and for that, I will always remember her.
That was me! I told you that, not Lucy.
Just know I've got that story in the hopper for you when you go.
Hey, sunshine.
- Hey.
How was work? - Oh, the usual.
And it sounds like your voice is back to normal.
Yeah, I think it is.
Well, all good things, right? Where's the remote? I hid it.
Why? I thought I'd take you up on your earlier offer to talk about work, my friends, my feelings.
I'm sorry.
It was a one-time-only offer.
Hmm, I'm starting to forget where I hid that remote.
Well played.
So Work was good.
I was in the copy room today and I ran into Wendy.
You remember Wendy? I told you about her and her husband Phil's trip to Yosemite? Well, it seems that Phil suggested Wendy lose a few pounds.
She was crying.
I mean, Phil himself is no prize, but I was not gonna bring that up.