Cheers s06e04 Episode Script

Last time on Cheers: Hey, Sam, me and Eddie are getting married! She's, uh, quite a catch, Ed.
Seems that Eddie and I picked the one day of the century when all the planets and constellations are in perfect alignment.
So we either get married by 4:00 p.
m.
today, or we wait until the year 2042.
This is going to be an interesting wedding, the two most superstitious people in the world.
Hey, hey, don't say that.
It's bad luck.
Our love can conquer any bad luck that comes our way.
Hey, that's my mirror.
( shrieks ) I mean it, Anthony and Annie moving in You don't want to come and live in my little, tiny overcrowded house.
Your ma hating me I'm so happy to meet you.
Car-la.
Anthony hating you You are not my father and you never will be.
Twins I had twins once.
It was the happiest day of my life.
Every time one of these little, piddly things came up, I kept thinking you were going to say the wedding's off.
The wedding's off.
Afternoon, everybody.
ALL: Norm! Hey, Mr.
Peterson, would you like a beer? No, I'd like a dead cat in a glass.
Men, you are looking at one sharp bargainer.
Not only did I get Carla and Eddie eight sterling-silver place settings, but I also got Bruce to throw in matching weenie tongs and lemon zester.
That's great, man, except the wedding's been called off.
Ah So what happened? Eddie freaked out about being a father? No.
Eddie's mom met Carla.
Hate at first sight.
Yeah, how'd you know? Well, that's the "law" part of "mother-in-law," see.
So Eddie's not going to marry Carla because his mother doesn't approve.
I tell you, it's pathetic to see a grown man so tied to his ma's apron strings.
Well, that reminds me, Mr.
Clavin, you mother called and said she couldn't make it for dinner tonight.
Oh, great.
What am I supposed to do with that casserole-- just throw it away? ( piano plays ) Making your way in the world today Takes everything you've got Taking a break from all your worries Sure would help a lot Wouldn't you like to get away? Sometimes you want to go Where everybody knows your name And they're always glad you came You want to be where you can see Our troubles are all the same You want to be where everybody knows your name You want to go where people know People are all the same You want to go where everybody knows your name.
Mr.
Malone, remember that reception you talked me into? Well, it seems that the bride is in my office and she's having a little problem with the groom.
She wants him to die with festering boils.
It's just the usual prenuptial jitters.
It'll be all right.
It will not be all right.
I invited my boss, and he's really excited about this.
Now, if Mr.
Drake shows up here expecting a reception and there isn't a reception, I'm gonna have egg all over my face.
Actually, uh, you know, most complexion experts swear by the old egg facial.
It tightens one's pores.
Although yours look pretty tight to me.
I want to talk to you a minute.
Miss Howe, I think I can get this wedding back on track.
Thank God.
Yeah, but I have one little condition.
You pull this off and you can have anything you want.
Really? Except that.
Actually, all I want to do is get rid of these stupid uniforms.
Mr.
Malone, ever since you have worked here, you have done nothing but whine about these uniforms.
Now, I put a great deal of thought into them and I happen to think they make a statement.
Oh, yeah.
They say I'm a lima bean.
All right.
Fine, fine.
If you insist on keeping these uniforms, then there'll be no wedding, no wedding reception, and you and Mr.
Drake can spend an intimate evening watching 40 quarts of guacamole turn black.
Fine, fine.
Get rid of the uniforms.
Okay.
Woody.
Yo.
Get on the phone.
Tell the church we're running a little bit late.
Cliff, see if you can catch up with Eddie there.
You betcha.
Norm, stay in the office and make sure Carla does not trash it.
Yes, you.
Frasier.
Go pick up Carla's gown, will you? Right.
Oh, say, if anybody needs me, Just tell them I'm at Gown-O-Rama, tra-la.
That was all well and good.
Thank you.
How do you plan on getting the bride and groom back together? I'm going to rely on my wits.
Well, you're halfway there.
You better believe it.
Sam.
Father Berry at Carla's church said we gotta hurry because he's got two weddings planned after Carla's, a bake sale, a slide show of the Knights of Columbus' trip to the Holy Land, and a CYO hootenanny.
Thank you, Woody.
Sam? Mmm? I'm, uh I'm thinking of becoming Catholic.
We'll talk about it later.
Hey, Sammy, I got Eddie.
Great.
Where's Mama? I tipped the cabbie to take her back to the hotel.
You already paid back that buck.
I'm not gonna marry her, Sam.
I mean, I can't go against mémère's wishes.
Maybe some day, after Mama gets to know her and starts to like her.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
What about the planets and the tea leaves? I mean, if you don't marry her now, you're going to have to wait till 2042.
Sam, it's no use.
I mean, maybe Carla's right.
Ever since I saw her on our wedding day, we've had nothing but bad luck.
You know, I happen to think that it's bad luck to be a jerk to the woman you're in love with.
Now, come on, Eddie.
Just talk to her.
Okay.
I guess I could just talk to her.
Great, great, great, great, great, hold that thought.
How's it going? Pretty good, pretty good.
It better be, or my butt's in a sling.
Is there room for two in there? Eddie's arm.
His neck.
How's it going? Oh, not too bad.
I don't think we've broken anything vital yet.
Eddie's foot.
Sweetheart.
Eddie's femur.
Sit down.
Hey.
Stop, stop.
Would you give the guy a break, please? He had to break a mirror, right? He had to spill the salt.
He had to thumb his nose to the Fates, and look what happened.
They turned him into a wuss.
The important thing is that the wuss came back.
Does he have a note from his mommy? Oh, come on, just talk to the guy.
I don't talk to spineless jellyfish.
All right, fine.
I'll just, uh, go out there and tell him to leave.
Hey.
Does he look really pathetic and cute? Have you ever seen a puppy in the rain? Well I guess I can let him off the hook, but first! He has to come in here, get down on his knees and sweat blood.
He was hoping you'd say that.
You're smiling.
The wedding's on.
Oh, yeah.
This uniform is almost off.
Old engineer Sammy's got the matrimony express right back on schedule.
Eddie.
Eddie, Eddie.
Wait a minute, man.
Whoa.
Where you going? I can't face her right now.
I mean, even if I did change my mind and decide to stand up to Mama, Carla would never forgive me for the way I ran out.
I mean, if I went in there right now, she'd tear my head off.
Come on, Eddie.
I think you're underestimating Carla just a bit here.
What, you don't think she'll be mad? No, I don't think she'll stop at your head.
SAM: Norm Listen, she wants to forgive you.
All you two need is a few moments together in private.
Okay, but could we do it out here, where there are plenty of witnesses? All right.
Okay.
Just sit down right here.
Relax.
If he even looks at the door, break his legs.
Sam! The wedding frock you ordered.
I got some pretty weird looks on the bus with this thing.
There was also one rather interesting invitation.
Sam.
Father Berry.
The other wedding party's starting to stack up in the vestibule.
Ah, I can't talk to him now, man.
I-I gotta talk to Eddie here.
I just talked to Eddie.
I gotta talk to Carla.
Carla? Mm-hmm.
Carla.
Father Berry? Listen, Sam can't talk right now, but, uh while I got you on the phone, can I ask you a question? Do you have to pay any membership dues to be a Catholic? I told you I wouldn't talk to him unless he comes in here begging.
Come on.
Carla, we don't have time for this nonsense.
Hey, I got an idea.
Get out of your clothes.
Oh, Sammy, any other time I'd love to, but, really Well, I just think that, you know, uh, you're sweaty.
You're tired, Maybe you'd like to change into something else.
Well, hey, like this, for instance.
No way.
Oh, come on.
Just, just try it on.
You know, see how it fits in case you want to get married someday.
Years from now.
Years from now.
Well, you know, I might not be pregnant then.
Right.
Come on.
Oh, what the heck.
This might be the last chance I get to see what I look like in one of these.
Yeah.
Besides, I'm out 36 bucks.
Eddie, Eddie.
Sammy.
I know what you're doing here.
You think I'm going to get all decked out like Miss Bride of the Year, take one look in the mirror and forget all about being mad at Eddie.
and I'm going to go out there, and Eddie's going to take one look at me and forget all about his mother.
Then, we'll march down the aisle and live happily ever after.
Am I right? Yeah, that's basically it.
You got a problem with that? Nah, just checking.
Here I come.
Woo-woo.
Sam Do you really mean "woo-woo," or are you just saying "woo-woo"? No, no.
I don't say "woo-woos" lightly.
Huh? Holá.
Okay.
Ah, look at you.
( laughing ) Okay.
Let's give it a shot.
All right.
Sammy, zip me.
Well, I'll be darned.
These things go up, too, huh? Oh, Carla.
You look That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
( phone ringing ) EDDIE: Oh Oh, listen.
Let's get to the church.
We have to get married before 4:00.
Hot dog! Care to help me with my pants? ( happy humming ) Carla? It's your church.
Would you tell them we're on our way.
Well, that's just it.
They had to go ahead with the other wedding and cancel yours.
I knew it.
I knew it! You're out of uniform.
MONSIGNOR: Dear friends, you have come together CLIFF: It sure was nice of the Monsignor to let Carla and Eddie get married here in the rectory chapel.
NORM: Yeah, it was kind of nice of us to buy all those raffle tickets, too.
FRASIER: Good Lord, it's crowded in here.
But on the upside, it does satiate any desire I might have had to visit Tokyo.
Edward, have you come here freely without reservation to give yourself to Carla in marriage? Edward? Carla, where's Edward? Carla? Where's Carla? Excuse me.
Excuse me! Lady with a baby.
Excuse Would you get off the dress! All right, all right, all right.
Crank it up, Father.
All the forces in the universe say we have to be done by 4:00.
( bell tolls ) Oh, no! Do you, Edward Raymond, take Carla Maria Victoria Hurry! Hurry! Please, hurry! Angelina Theresa Apollonia CARLA: Oh, rat! Why couldn't my parents have named me Judy? Go on, go on, go on.
Hey, here they come! Ladies and gentlemen, this is the moment we've all been waiting for.
Appearing for the first time anywhere, the happy couple, Mr.
and Mrs.
Eddie LeBec.
( drum roll ) ( cheering and applause ) That's a keeper.
Hey, guys, it's your wedding day.
Show a little teeth here, all right? I can't, Sammy.
We were pronounced man and wife at 4:01.
We might as well have been pronounced dead.
We're doomed.
Music, music! Aw, come on, you guys.
Think about all the wedding gifts you got to open over there.
Yeah.
I guess I should be grateful Eddy didn't fall down the church steps and break his leg.
How is it, anyway? I think I just wrenched it a little.
They don't look too happy to me.
No.
They do look married, though.
What's that ugly-looking thing? It's not an ugly thing.
It's a Wabby.
What's a Wabby, Webecca? It's a "Women of Boston Business" award.
I'm very proud of it.
It happens to be very prestigious.
Thousands of women have won it.
What's it doing out here? You trying to impress your boss? I'm glad you reminded me.
I'm completely forgot he was coming.
Yeah, sure you did.
Hey, you know, every time Evan Drake's name gets mentioned you get a little red around the gills.
Do you have a crush on him or something? I beg your pardon.
He happens to be a married man.
Although not happily.
Oh, you do have a crush on him.
How cute! "Oh, Evan, Evan.
" Great stuffed mushrooms, Cliffie.
Try the Swedish meatballs.
They're out of this world.
Yeah.
Ooh, try 'em together! Together! Excuse me, gentlemen.
Do you plan on leaving any hors d'oeuvres for latecomers? Hey, you snooze, you lose.
Ooh-ooh! Rumaki! Come on.
And now it's time for the traditional first dance, and we all know who's going to start it.
Holy cow, it isn't me, is it? Let's welcome the happy couple Carla and Eddie to the dance floor.
The greatest love the world has known Hit me again, Harley.
Third time's the charm.
So, uh, where's your big-shot lover boy? A: I told you he is not my lover boy.
B: The big shot SOB is in a meeting.
C: Choke on it.
There's a happy pair.
Say cheeseburger.
Uh, no, no.
All right, that was a good one, even with Miss Howe's eyes kinda gimpy like that.
Oh, Norm, look.
We forgot about the dessert table.
And we call ourselves guests.
Ma, you want to trade partners? Why not? I'm going to die.
I'm going to dance with my mother, all right? How about a cup of coffee, huh? Why would I do that? Well, because I've seen a lot of ladies hit the champagne in my time.
One minute they're doing just fine.
The next minute it kind of sneaks up on them and they're doing all sorts of wild and crazy Why am I giving you coffee? So, Eddie, what's Mother Tortelli like in bed? What are you looking at, pretty lady? I'm looking at you.
Well, I'm looking back at you.
I think I'm beginning to see you in a whole new light.
Why don't you tell me what you see? You have a really weird face.
Your eyebrows are growing together like a big old ugly caterpillar.
Oh, look, they're cutting the cake.
And now as the hour draws late, it's time for the bride to throw the bouquet.
Okay, come on, come on, everybody.
You all ready? Okay, heads up, you old maids.
Dr.
Crane, a girl's supposed to catch the bouquet.
Well, then the girls should have been a little bit quicker.
Here, knock yourself out.
I think it's time for me to pack it in.
Uh, you know, I don't think you're in any condition to drive, Miss Howe.
Let me give you a lift home, all right? I don't know.
I've never been alone in a car with such a hairy guy.
Are you sure you weren't in The Planet of The Apes? Can anybody else please take me home? There's room in our car.
You can sit on my lap.
Darling, you're married now.
You don't have a lap.
Come on.
You think I'm so ugly? I'll let you get a bag and put it over my head, all right? Just a minute.
Let me get my bag.
And yours.
I'm not crazy about the way that girl flirts.
And now, folks, as the lucky couple gets ready to embark on their new life together, let's all throw some rice, the symbol of fertility.
Ow! Oh, ow! Ah! I can't go out here, Eddie.
Why? No, it's too dangerous.
I'm okay.
Who are we trying to kid here? We're living in the shadow of the curse we brought on ourselves.
I can't go on with this.
Come on, Carla.
No, no, no.
I think maybe we should get an annulment.
Oh, would you two stop it?! I can't believe This should be the happiest day of your lives, and all you've done is moan and groan all day long.
I mean, come on.
It's one thing to play along with this superstition stuff for, you know, for some fun, but you're letting it interfere with your happiness here.
You two are wonderful.
You got everything in your life to look forward to.
Please, please, come on.
Trust me.
Nothing bad is going to happen.
( phone rings ) You got my personal word on that.
I mean, superstition, it's for the birds.
Just go on with your normal life.
Woody, do you mind? All right, fine.
Go ahead.
Answer it.
It's probably just somebody who wants to, uh, know what time the bar closes.
We close at 2:00.
Eddie, it's for you.
Some guy from the Bruins.
Maybe, maybe you oughta Probably just want to congratulate me on my wedding.
Yeah, right.
That's it.
That's it.
Hello.
Oh, hiya, Frank Yeah, how's it going? It's Frank.
Yeah, uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
Okay, yeah.
Yeah, thanks a lot.
Good-bye, Frank.
Do I smell a bonus? They cut me from the team.
They're going with the youth movement.
They tried to trade me, but nobody wanted me.
I'm sorry, Carla.
I guess all the superstitions finally caught up with us.
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
I can blame a lot of things on superstition, but you aren't the greatest goalie in the world, honey.
What are you saying to me, Carla? Well, you know, the end of last year you were losing it, and now you're older, and your reflexes are shot.
Oh, thanks a lot.
I'm feeling a lot better already.
And if that wasn't because of superstition, then maybe the twins aren't bad luck either.
Could it be possible that I'm just having twins because the eggs split? Whoa, whoa! And maybe your mother hates me because she's stupid.
And Anthony hates you because he takes after his no-good rat-faced father.
And all those things that we thought were bad luck had nothing to do with superstition.
It was just life.
Unfortunately, it happens to be my life.
What the heck? I'm married and in love with a great guy.
So, I guess that evens things up.
No, it doesn't.
But it makes life worth living.
No, it doesn't.
But it's something.
So let's get on with it.
What do you say, hubby? I say let's get on with the honeymoon, eh? See you at 2:00 A.
M.
Somebody's got to work in this family.
Hi.
I'm Mrs.
Eddie LeBec.
What'll you have?