Home Improvement s06e04 Episode Script

- I'm home.
- Hi.
I picked up the mail.
You're invited to your annual psychology department potluck dinner.
I am one step ahead of them.
I'm already making my tuna surprise.
I'll take a big step backwards.
They've banned you from bringing any food this year.
Yeah.
Like they wrote that on the invitation.
They wrote it on the invitation.
That's pretty insensitive for a bunch of psychologists.
Maybe they need some therapy, honey.
- Is my tuna surprise really that bad? - Mm.
- No, you know - The truth.
Truth is a relative thing, honey.
Truth is, even your relatives won't eat it.
I'll show them.
With thought and creativity I can make them forget the tuna surprise.
Like the antidote.
Ow! Hey, uh, Dad.
Can a friend of mine come see the hot rod? Yeah.
It's about time you started hanging out with car guys.
Dad, this is Lauren.
- Hi, Lauren.
- Hey.
- Where's the car guy? - I'm the car guy.
Lauren and I are working on the school paper together.
- OK.
- This is an original old convertible.
- It's all metal, too.
- It's a Ford.
Yes, I know.
- I'm guessing it's a '46.
- Huh? Look at these tail lights.
- You are gonna French 'em, aren't ya? - Oh, yeah, yeah.
- Did you chop the windshield frame? - Yeah, oh, yeah.
- You gotta shave these door handles.
- Yeah, I gotta.
Oh.
- You know a lot about cars for a girl.
- For a girl? Or a boy.
Either one.
I always loved anything with a motor.
My friends play with Barbie, I soup up her Corvette.
- The pink Corvette? - Yeah.
With the spoiler in the back and the mag wheels.
- I loved that thing.
- Wow.
- How would you know? - Never mind.
Come on, Randy.
Let's get to work.
Thanks for letting me check out your car.
- Anytime.
Nice to meet you.
- You, too.
Hey, Randy, Randy.
Your girlfriend's terrific.
Dad, she's not my girlfriend.
We're just friends.
She's perfect for you.
No, Dad.
Actually, she's perfect for you.
You know, Lauren Hi.
You and I make a great writing team.
You know, Lauren, I wasn't into cars at all until you came along.
You know, Lauren I'm a big geek.
Hey, Randy? Yeah? Hi.
So, uh, who were you just talking to? No one.
That was the radio.
What radio? My, uh My, uh deodorant radio.
Sounds great, keeps me dry all day.
Man, he's not even my weird brother.
Hey, don't be so hard on him.
Randy, may I say I've always found you to be a very upstanding young man with a strong commitment to hygiene.
Jason, what do you want? Brad? Well, Jason's gonna be getting some tickets to a concert and, uh - You're inviting me to go? - No.
We're inviting you to lend us money so we can go.
It's very simple.
Oh.
And, uh, I'm inviting you to bite me.
OK? Wait.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Whoa.
The hygiene thing always works for me.
Let's just go try it on Mark.
Are you wearing enough cologne, tough guy? 'Cause I can still almost breathe.
Give him a break.
He's trying to smell good for his girlfriend, Lauren.
Look, she is not my girlfriend.
We're writing an article for the paper.
On what? Guys who stink? Tim, which dish should I make for the potluck? I got Italian, French, Chinese Um go with British.
If the meal is horrible people will think that's how it's supposed to taste.
I'll get it.
- Where did you get all those cookbooks? - I don't know.
It's strange.
People keep giving them to me.
- It is strange.
Hi, Lauren.
- Hey.
- Come in.
- Hey, Mrs.
Taylor.
Hi.
- Did you come to look at the hot rod? - I have to work with Randy.
But my dad and I were talking about your hot rod.
And, well, we had an idea.
And that idea would be? Have you ever thought about sectioning the hood? It would bring the front end down two inches, and give it a sleek look.
This is exactly why I told you how badly I wanted a daughter.
But you know, we ended up with three fine sons.
One of them is waiting for you now.
He's excited about the article.
- Yeah, me too.
- What is it about, cars? No, it's about school budget cuts.
It's called, "Why Must the Ballet Club Suffer?" Easy.
So the audience isn't the only one in pain.
- I'll see you guys later.
- All right.
I think Randy's got a terrific little girlfriend.
She's not his girlfriend.
He's made it clear.
She's just a friend.
Yep.
Yep.
And Al's the funny one on Tool Time.
Do you have some inside I don't know about? Come on.
It's pretty obvious, isn't it? We've got a 14-year-old son writing about the ballet? Which means? Either he really likes her, or we should be having a whole other discussion.
Well, we have a great show for you today.
We're doing our Tool Time salute to women and cars.
Some people think that cars are strictly a man's domain.
I'd be the last to admit it, but this week I met a bright 14-year-old girl who proved to me there's women out there who know as much about cars as men.
Actually, Tim, we have a female expert in our audience who probably knows more about cars than you do.
- Who's in the audience? - Let's just say she was the cover girl for Transmission Monthly.
So, you got a real car babe, huh? Well, she's actually sitting in the front row there.
Well, what the heck? Let's bring her down here.
All right.
Let's have a warm Tool Time welcome for Lucille Treganowan.
Hi, Lucille.
Welcome to the show.
I'm happy to be here.
I'm happy you're here.
So, um So, um, what do you do? Well, actually, she's just written a book about car repair.
- What kind of car do you drive? - An '86 Park Avenue.
Does it run on Metamucil? That baby has a four barreled carb, high-rise manifold, and it will blow your car right off the road, little man.
Well, you know, I just read your book a couple of months ago.
I couldn't put it down.
Oh, thank you, Al.
You had to read a book about cars, Al? If you'd read Lucille's book you'd know women have come up with ways to repair cars men never even thought of.
- Like what? - What if you had a split radiator hose? Duh! You replace it.
OK.
It's 3:00 in the morning and you're stranded.
I'd call you, wake you up and you'd put it on.
But if you were a woman, you'd take off your scarf.
- You'd take off your belt - Lucille! It's a family show, honey.
You wrap the scarf around the split hose, and then tighten the belt around the scarf.
That's a great idea.
There are other ways that women have an advantage over men.
We have this heightened sense of smell.
That's right.
Which easily enables them to detect car problems by their odor.
- Anybody can do that.
- OK, wise guy.
What if you have a sweet, steamy smell coming from your car? - What would that mean? - I had too many kielbasas at lunch.
No, Tim.
That would mean that your car is leaking hot coolant.
Actually, they're both right.
OK, chicken cacciatore We gotta dredge the chicken.
What does "dredge" mean? I have no idea.
Go look it up in that cooking encyclopedia.
I'm gonna move on.
Mince half an onion.
While you're looking up "dredge" look up "mince".
All right.
I found "dredge".
It means coat the chicken with flour.
I know how to do that! OK, come here.
Yeah.
Put the chicken in there.
OK.
Then we dump in some flour.
Here we go.
All right.
And we close the bag.
And shake.
Whatcha doing, The Hokey Poultry? You grab a bag of chicken and you shake it all around.
Just remember, it's all in the wrist.
- Here, take this one.
- OK.
- How's the article coming? - It's going great.
Lauren's coming over tomorrow to finish.
We're working well together.
- She seems like a nice girl.
- Yeah, I really like her.
You know, her her writing.
I'll get that.
Yeah, yeah.
Oh.
Hey, Randy.
Hi.
What are you doing here? We're picking up Brad and Angela to go to a concert.
- Who's we? - "We" would be me.
- You? - Me.
Angela said she's late so we'll have to get her on the way.
- Be home by 12:00.
- All right, Mom.
Love you.
- See you tomorrow, Randy.
- Right.
OK.
I didn't know that Lauren was going out with Jason.
Yeah, neither did I.
- You all right? - Yeah, I'm fine.
- Sure you're not upset? - Why would I be upset? I don't know.
'Cause a nice girl like that's going out with Jason.
Why should I care, Mom? I told you a million times, Lauren and I are just friends.
Tim? You were right.
I know.
Don't you want to know about what? Don't care.
I just love being right.
Randy does have feelings for Lauren but Lauren doesn't have feelings for him.
She's going out with Jason.
Nyah.
What could she possibly see in Jason? That guy's dad drives a Pacer.
Well, Randy's really hurting.
You remember what it feels like to be rejected.
Yes, I do.
I remember hearing every excuse in the book.
"I gotta wash my hair.
" "No, no, no.
I've got a touch of the plague.
That's what I've got.
" "No, no.
I've got to de-worm my schnauzer.
" You must have felt awful.
Yeah, but you came around.
Well, I feel really bad for Randy.
We're not gonna take this lying down.
- What are we talking about? - We'll get her back.
We never had her! We're gonna play up the car thing, OK? I'll invite her over to the garage.
We'll work on the hot rod.
While we're shaving the door handles, I'll talk Randy up big time, do a couple of my jokes.
Bing, bang, boom.
We got her back.
Tim, that's not gonna work.
Apparently, you've never seen me in action.
Unfortunately, I have.
Hi, Wilson.
What's all that smoke? Well, Jill, I'm burning food as a sacrifice for the Chinese festival of hungry ghosts.
Well, that's a switch.
For once I'm cooking something good and you're burning food.
Of course, the people eating my food are already dead.
I'm making chicken cacciatore.
You got any fresh oregano? Yes, indeed.
I just picked a fresh batch here to burn for my ghosts.
Thanks.
You, uh, happen to have anything for a broken heart? Randy is devastated because this girl that he really likes - is going out with somebody else.
- Ah.
Mm-hmm.
Hmm.
Hmm.
Oh, I know how painful that can be.
I'll never forget losing my first love, Debbie Ann.
We were in fourth grade.
I guess we were about nine years of age.
We were inseparable until one day at the playground we had a big fight.
About what? I was a big believer in laissez-faire capitalism, and she was a neo-Maist.
- Kids.
- Mm-hmm.
True.
I wish I could make Randy feel better.
Well, unfortunately, during those turbulent teenage years, there's not really much a parent can do.
It just goes totally against my instincts.
I mean, when my kid has a problem, I just want to rush in and fix it.
But if Randy learns to fend for himself now, then when he's an adult he'll be more independent.
Well, who better to help him be independent than his mother? Jill, I know this is rough on you, but Randy will get through this.
In the words of famous German philosopher Friedrich Nietzche, "That which does not destroy me only makes me stronger".
What did Nietzche know? He wasn't a mother.
Jill, maybe you're being just a wee bit overprotective.
Oh, what do you know? You're not a mother either.
Well, thanks for stopping by.
It's always a pleasure.
Mom, hi.
What are you doing up? I gotta put away the chicken cacciatore.
What are you doing? I was just waiting for Brad to get back from the concert.
They're a little late.
Yeah, Jason probably got them backstage passes.
How would he do that? Oh, by complimenting the security guard on his hygiene.
Did you hear that car door? - No.
- Oh.
Honey.
It really hurt my feelings when they didn't want me to cook anything for the potluck.
It hurts to be rejected.
Whether it's over cooking or relationships.
You're not comparing your tuna surprise to my life? Not anymore.
Well, Mom, at least your tuna surprise got a chance.
I never got my chance with Lauren.
I waited too long and now it's too late.
Honey, it's one concert.
It's just one date.
If I had to choose between you and Jason it would definitely be you.
You're my mother.
Jason is obnoxious.
He's sneaky.
His father drives a Pacer, for God's sake.
So, you're saying I might still have a chance with Lauren.
Honey, if there's hope for me to cook a decent meal, there's hope for you and Lauren.
So, you're saying there's no hope? All right, all right.
Try this.
Come on.
Wow.
That's That's fantastic.
- It tastes like food.
- Yeah! Gosh.
You know, they say that it's hard for teenage boys to open up to their mothers.
So, I guess you and I have a very special relationship.
I mean, we share our emotions and our innermost feelings.
It really moves me when you have a problem and you feel comfortable coming to me, pouring out your heart Randy? Ran Well "So, according to Mrs.
Rupinni, without funding for the ballet club, there will be no production this year.
" "Students, teachers and parents, we are due to speak up.
Don't let this be the swan song for Swan Lake.
" Hey, that's a great ending.
You know, Randy, you and I make a pretty great team.
Yeah, we do, don't we? Well, I'd better go.
I've still got tons of homework to do.
Uh, Lauren, you got a minute? Yeah, sure.
What's up? Uh, nothin' special, it's just we've been working the whole time.
We really haven't had a chance to talk.
Well, what do you want to talk about? You know, whatever.
Weather, politics, how your date with Jason went.
It wasn't a date.
A bunch of us went to see a concert.
Oh.
See, I thought it was a date.
So did Jason.
He kept putting his arm around me and complimenting my hygiene.
What a jerk.
I'd never be interested in someone like him.
- That's fantastic.
- It is? Well, no.
I mean, not for Jason.
But it would be for the guy you would be interested in going out with, whoever that might be.
Randy, what are you trying to say? Well, um I was just wondering, you know, if you're not too busy sometime, maybe you'd like to go out on a date.
- I don't think so.
- OK.
Forget I said it.
Bad idea.
No.
No, it's not you, Randy.
It's just that I'm not ready to start dating yet.
I'm just having more fun hanging out with my friends.
- Like you and me hang out? - Yeah.
Cool.
And then when you are ready to start dating? I just hope you're still available.
Well, at the moment my calendar's wide open.
Hey, Lauren.
Randy, just the car guy I'm lookin' for.
I got those tickets to the hot rod show you wanted to go to.
He loves his cars.
- Dad, I - Guess who I saw at the ticket office.
Jason's parole officer.
He doesn't hold out a lot of promise for that kid.
I pity the woman that dates a guy like that, I'll tell you that.
What women need are good car-loving, ballet-appreciating guys.
Kinda like Randy.
Randy? Lauren? I'm so proud of Randy for telling Lauren how he felt.
Yeah, they're still friends.
Which means she still might stop over and help me work on the car.
If I had known a girl could turn out like Lauren I might have tried for a daughter.
I've always told you how much fun it would be to have a girl around the house.
Spoil her and buy her little girly things.
That's so sweet.
What would you buy for her? Oh, a little pink ratchet set.
A soft, cuddly, little stuffed muscle car.
Baby's first tire iron.
And what would you do when your adorable little girl started dating guys like Jason? Well, that's what the tire iron's for.