Mike & Molly s06e04 Episode Script

Look at all these people.
Exercising in the middle of the day, drinking their free-range, cold-pressed nut juice.
I mean, don't they have jobs? It's gotta make you wonder who's funding this lifestyle.
Rich parents? Ex-husbands? The Illuminati? The who? Exactly.
All units, we have a 10-37 at Cicero and Irving.
Possible stolen vehicle.
Should we get that? I suppose we should.
Car 2686 responding.
Ah, looks like Ramirez beat us to the punch.
Well, just as well, we got our hands full here.
Unbelievable.
All these people on permanent vacation while we're working like dogs.
Ain't that the truth? Hey, you want a snow cone? I would.
Hey.
Your feet, my treat.
Car 2607 responding.
Hey, I'll get a jump on our paperwork.
Or not.
I forgot to tell Carl what flavor.
Ah, he'll surprise me.
La, la-ba-dee-da La, la-ba-dee-da For the first time in my life I see love I see love For the first time in my life I see love What is the matter with the Internet? Tell me about it.
Leave out one letter and you're seeing things you can't un-see.
Made that mistake looking up "grandfather clocks.
" No, I meant the signal's down.
And you left that website up.
It's forever frozen here and in here.
All right, Molly, cancel the credit cards.
Is this about the $600 boots? What? What? No, my wallet got stolen.
Oh Oh Oh, bummer.
Did you call the cops? I had everything in there.
My driver's license, my Social Security card, lottery ticket.
Maybe I won, maybe I didn't.
We'll never know.
Where'd they steal it from? Straight off the dashboard of my squad car.
Oh So it was a classic smash-and-grab, huh? It was more of a grab than smash.
The window was open, 'cause there was a nice breeze.
So, wait, you were in the car when it happened? No.
Of course he wasn't, Mom.
Nah, he was in the car.
I swear, I only closed my eyes for a couple of seconds.
You fell asleep? Well, no.
I wouldn't call it sleep, exactly.
More like a ten-minute blink? How the hell would I know? I wasn't wearing a watch.
Good thing.
They probably would have stole that, too.
Where was Carl? Was he also blinking? No.
He was out getting us snow cones.
Okay.
We just want you to know that we're just glad that you're okay.
And I'm keeping the boots.
Okay, so it wasn't your best day.
It was humiliating.
Hey, this is not all on you.
Okay? This is an indictment on modern society.
I mean, what kind of a world is this that a police officer can't sleep safely in his own squad car? I never should've been sleeping in my squad car.
That's another way to look at it.
When I first came out of the academy, they paired me with this old timer, Perzecki.
Kept a pillow in his car.
Put it under his arm when he drove and under his head when he took a nap.
"Officer Down.
" I would have gone with "Captain Memory Foam.
" Mmm-kay.
I used to think that guy was a joke.
Now look who the joke is.
Hey, come on, now, you're not that bad.
Is that what I'm going for now, Carl? "Not that bad"? I was asleep in a squad car.
It could have been so much worse than a stolen wallet.
By the grace of God, I didn't get a penis drawn on my face.
God is good.
What happened to us? Where are those gung-ho rookies that wanted to grab the world in a choke hold and never let go? Those were good times, huh? Hey.
Remember that chop shop we busted up on Melvina? Yeah.
Didn't even call for backup.
Hm-mmm.
Just you, me 13 Albanians, and half a DeLorean.
You know, we could still be those guys.
You think so? I know so.
Hmm.
"Bad boys, bad boys, "whatcha gonna do when McMillan and Biggs come for you?" Look at my arm.
You gave me goose bumps.
Robbery in progress.
Shell station, Division and North.
This is 2607 responding.
All right, let's roll.
Look at us! Hey, if you had your perm and I had my adult braces, I'd swear this was ten years ago.
You are never gonna believe what happened at work.
You stayed awake all day.
You're damn right I did.
And I remembered why I became a cop.
Because you failed the pipe fitter's exam.
That, and I wanted to take a bite out of crime.
But today, crime took a bite out of me.
What is that? Dog bite.
Oh, my God.
Yeah, I chased a purse snatcher over a barbed wire fence into a junkyard, where we were both attacked by a giant pit bull.
Everyone was biting everyone.
And the day just got better from there.
I don't know how that's possible.
Well, anything's possible when when you give a damn.
I don't love a high-five.
But you, sir, deserve a high-five! Thanks.
The last one you gave me was on our honeymoon.
Well, you earned that one, too.
So, uh well, where-where is everybody? Oh, they went to the movies.
Really? I know that "really.
" What are you thinking, we sneak upstairs? Hmm? No.
Table for two? No! They're gonna be home in 20 minutes.
Well, then, we'd better get started.
You know what? All right.
Fine.
Let me just set the timer, just in case.
Wait, how-how long did you set it for? Oh.
Um, you know what? Let's think positive.
Man, we've been hitting it hard all morning.
What do you say we take a break? Hey, crime doesn't take a break.
Look at this scumbag.
Which one? The one in black, hassling that homeless guy.
Hey, punk.
Leave him alone and put your hands in the air.
Oh! I'm sorry, Father! I didn't see the collar.
You might want to pull back a little.
Hey, crime doesn't pull back.
Man, you can't just keep putting "crime doesn't" before everything I say.
I'm sorry, I'm just so pumped up.
I'm tellin' you, Carl, getting my wallet stolen was the best thing that ever happened to me.
Hey, listen, I love the new wide-awake Mike.
But we need to be smart about this.
I wouldn't've drank that second cup of coffee if I knew we weren't taking pee breaks.
Carl, eleven o'clock.
No, no, I got a tiny bladder.
I can't wait till 11:00.
No, no, the punk on the bike.
Am I crazy, or does that look like the guy that's been pulling all those second-floor B and E's? There's only one way to find out.
Hey, you, on the bike.
Pull over to the sidewalk.
Got a runner.
Son-of-a-bitch thinks he can shake us by going down that narrow alley.
We'll just go down a block, head west, and we'll catch him on the other side.
Nah, too risky.
We'll lose him.
What? Are you sure we can fit down here? Nope.
Well, I'll be damned.
Weit Could you watch the potholes? I told you, I gotta go to the bathroom.
Take the wheel! What? Ah! Whoa! I got him! Brakes, brakes, brakes! That was awesome.
So right before I nail him, I yell out the window and I go, "You got the right to eat asphalt!" I didn't hear you say that.
Well, I-I thought of it afterwards.
But how cool would that have been? Never thought I'd say this, Biggs, but you're the real deal.
You are "the police.
" Well, it's nothing any of you wouldn't have done if you loved this damn city as much as I do.
Yeah, congratulations.
You wrecked a $50,000 squad car and almost killed us in the process.
Nice! Oh, my God.
Are you okay? Oh, it's nothing.
Just a scratch.
Hey, you should be proud of your husband.
He put his life on the line today.
Yeah, I know.
I am.
I am so proud.
What the hell is the matter with you? Carl called me and told me what you did.
Pretty sexy, huh? No! You know what's sexy, is you coming home to me in one piece.
Well, look, I gotta make tough decisions out there.
I don't have time to call home and ask permission.
Yo, Biggs! Me and the boys, we're taking you out for a drink.
Oh, that sounds good! Can I go? That's gonna leave a nice scar, Biggs.
Ah, no big deal.
It's not the first.
Yeah, show 'em the one you got on your thumb opening that can of tuna.
Mixed in the mayo before I even went to the hospital.
You want to see a real scar? Check this out.
Oh! Oh! Bullet wound? Bite mark.
Serving a warrant to the one meth head in town who still had teeth.
Come on, that's nothing.
Look at this.
Look at that.
See that? Ooh Oh! Oh! Domestic call.
Some piece of crap's knocking the snot out of his wife.
So I pull him off her, and as I'm cuffing him, the broad stabs me in the back with a steak knife.
See? That's what you get for trying to help people.
You know what? Up to me, I'd say just let all the dirtbags kill all the scumbags.
Problem solved.
Yeah, and we go fishing.
Yeah.
Hear, hear.
Easy, now, let's not forget we're still talking about people here.
Well, I don't know what calls you're taking, McMillan, but some days, I feel like I'm working animal control.
At least you can spay and neuter an animal.
Uh, are you listening to yourselves? People respond to us based on how we treat them.
You catch more flies with honey.
You keep catching flies, McMillan.
Hey, hey, hey.
Maybe, instead of a gun, you could carry a butterfly net.
Yeah, put on a big, floppy sun hat and skip around the city.
You know what? He actually has one of those hats.
No! Yeah, and the back of my neck still looks like I'm 25.
You know what? I'm gonna call it a night.
Aw, come on, Carl.
The guys are just bustin' balls.
Let him go.
He needs to get home to make some herbal tea and watch The Good Wife.
Nice one.
Although, you know, that show has not been the same since Will died.
Yeah.
Oh, that's right.
That's right.
That's right.
Oh, hey, Mike.
Hey.
Heard about your accident.
That seems really scary.
Well, crime doesn't stop for scary.
Carl's right.
It doesn't work every time.
Well, if you're dumb enough to break the law in front of a cop, you get what you deserve.
What are you what are you doing? Mmm.
Don't worry about it.
I told the family next door that there's a bunch of skunks living under the porch.
See, this is the problem, right here.
Mike, the skunks aren't real.
I made it up so that I could smoke weed on the porch.
No.
It's a blatant lack of respect for the law and me.
Hey! You can't do that! Yeah, I can.
I'm the police.
Give it back! I am flushing it.
That is my stash! Citizen's arrest! Citizen's arrest! Get off me! You are assaulting an officer! Well, you assaulted my doobie, brother! Is that right? Yeah, that's right! Well, you have the right to remain here! You can't handcuff me! You are not my boyfriend! What the hell is going on? Your husband is being cruel, and it's unusual.
Mike, why did you handcuff my sister to the stairs? Well, because she broke the law right in front of me.
What am I supposed to do, ignore that? Yes! You have for years.
We pretend it's a skunk.
Well, pretend time is over.
I put my life on the line out there.
I can't have some wigged-out hophead sparking up right in front of me.
You should have said something.
I would've gotten edibles.
Here.
Next time, she goes to jail.
What, are you gonna go rough up my mom and Vince now? I should take you all downtown.
See who turns on who.
I'm calling my attorney.
You don't need a lawyer.
I need more weed.
He's also my dealer.
Thanks for taking me to work.
Well, odds are you're gonna do some more pretty heroic stuff today and then the guys are gonna want to take you out drinking again.
Yeah, they love me.
Why wouldn't they? Super Cop.
You don't wait for the action to come to you, you run to it.
Molly, the light's turning red.
Oh, thanks for the heads up.
Hey, slow down.
Crime doesn't slow down.
Hey, that's my thing.
Seriously, slow down.
Why? Am I scaring you? Yeah, a little bit.
What are you doing? Pull over.
We're in the middle of the road.
Oh, no, no, no.
Look down there.
Not just that.
We're straddling train tracks, amigo.
Huh? You like the thrill of that? You taste the danger? Not really.
These tracks are out of service.
There hasn't been a train on 'em for 20 years.
Guess that would explain the tree growing in the middle of the tracks.
Come on, Molly.
There's somebody behind us.
Let's go.
Nope.
We are gonna sit here in this uncomfortable situation.
I don't care.
I'm a loose cannon.
Okay.
I think I think I proved my point.
Sorry! Are we done here? Are you done playing big hero? Look, I was just trying to be a good cop.
I can't help it if people are impressed by that.
What people? Those idiots at work? You used to make fun of them.
You said they gave cops a bad name.
Well, that was before they accepted me into Scar Club.
"Scar Club"? Are you listening what comes out of here? Look, Seely made up that stupid name, not me.
Look, I wasn't trying to scare you.
I just wanted you to be proud of me.
When am I ever not proud of you? Well, you looked a little iffy when I told you my wallet got stolen while Carl was out getting us snow cones.
Okay, it was not your finest moment, but I've never not been proud of you.
I guess I could pull back a little bit.
You still gonna find me sexy if I'm not Super Cop? Oh, yeah.
I mean, I didn't want to say anything, but Super Cop was a bit of a selfish lover.
Okay, come There's plenty of room! Go around! Ooh, we got taillights out.
Let's go.
See if this punk's feelin' lucky.
Look at this.
An extra large coffee so I stay alert, and an apple for my snack.
Or, as I like to call it, nature's snow cone.
I heard that was the banana.
No, that's nature's burrito.
Oh, and anybody grabs this off the dashboard, they're taking me with it.
Oh, like when they tie a restroom key to a cinder block.
Hold up there, chief.
What? You don't think I saw that? Empty your pockets.
What? You know, the guy who owns this store is trying to make a living to support his family.
When you steal from him, not only are you breaking the law, you're taking food off of his table.
Am I going to jail? That's up to you, little man.
You want to keep going down this path? No.
Good.
So here's what we're gonna do.
You come in here the rest of the week, after school, and mop this guy's floor for him.
Yes, sir.
And I'm gonna stop by every day to make sure you're here.
Okay.
Beat it.
I don't want to see you around here anymore.
Except after school when you're supposed to be mopping! Look at you.
Teaching a kid a lesson and finding a way to not eat that apple.
I got my partner back.
Pay for your coffee, Carl.
All right.
Honest mistake.