The King of Queens s06e04 Episode Script

Wow.
I don't know who this brown betty is, But she knows her way around an apple.
Can i have a bite? Oh, my god.
I'll get it for you.
Mmm! Mmm, that's good! How great is this place? The greatest! Off the hook, As the kids like to say.
I mean, the ambience, the view.
I mean, look at the sun going down over that bluff.
And you know, i've never been a big fan Of the "sunset," but that's pretty great.
How lucky were we just to stumble onto this spot? Thank god there was a shooting at that waffle place.
Huh.
That was weird.
What? I don't know.
I- When i kissed you, my heart was beating all fast, And-I don't know- Felt all warm inside.
You think something was wrong with the shrimp? No.
Believe it or not, I think it's love.
Shut up! I'm serious! And i'm not just saying it to get sex from you.
Really? Yeah.
I mean, if you started doing stuff to me Under the table, i don't think i'd stop you, But it's not about that.
You know, i feel like I'm falling in love with you all over again.
In fact, if we weren't married, I'd be proposing to you right here, right now.
Oh! And you'd be looking into my eyes saying, "Give me a couple of days to think about it.
" Stop! Hey, you know, i have an idea.
Eh, forget it.
It's stupid.
What? I was just thinking, you know, maybe we should Renew our vows, you know? Have, like, a whole ceremony here.
On the bluff.
I don't love it.
You don't? I super love it! Really? How great is this gonna be? We'll invite all our friends, our family, We'll get it catered, we'll have someone playing the flute.
Hey, i can finally get my monkey.
What's that, baby? Remember at our wedding, i always wanted to have A monkey walk down the aisle And hand me the ring.
Yeah.
Yeah! No reason you can't have your monkey this time.
Sweet.
Darling, allow me to hearken you back To a bleak december day In the midst of world war ii When a young arthur spooner saved the life Of a fellow soldier named rusty bubbico.
Ok, is this a random hearkening, Or are you going somewhere with this? Ok, i'm going somewhere.
Ok.
We visited the red light district one night, And i fronted him a prophylactic.
Gonorrhea was the flavor of the month back then.
So it's a love story.
Heh heh! It is now.
He gave me a fine bottle of port wine As his way of saying thanks.
I've been saving it all these years, And i've decided to give it to you two On the day you renew your vows.
Oh! That's very generous.
Thank you, dad.
My pleasure, darling.
Ok, ma, well, it's 3 weeks from today, So you better start working on a flight out.
We will.
Joe, we should use our miles.
I'm sure that weekend will be blacked out.
They always black out the weekends We want to use the miles.
We'll be there with bells on, darling.
Like that yogurt place.
They stopped taking those punch cards Just before i was due for my free cone.
It's all a scam.
Yeah, i'm sure that the yogurt place And the airlines are in cahoots.
Focus, ma.
Ok? You got your whole life to talk to him.
Sorry, dear.
Listen, don't forget To invite our friends smitty and jules.
I don't even know who they are.
You know smitty and jules.
Ok, not only don't i know them, I don't even know which one's the man And which one's the woman.
I'll tell them to expect an invitation.
Ok, fine, ma.
All right, i'll talk to you later.
I gotta go.
Ok, bye-Bye, sweetheart.
All right, bye.
Now back to the important stuff-Finding us a monkey.
Monkey, monkey, monkey.
"Mirrors, money orders, monograms, mufflers.
" Where's "monkey"? How does monkey not have, like, 2 full pages? Yeah, doug, about the whole monkey thing, I was just thinking that, you know, Maybe a vow renewal monkey is a waste.
You know, maybe we should save it for something A little bit more festive, Like a cinco de mayo monkey.
You know, get him a sombrero, A little cap gun six-Shooter.
You know-Pow! You know? Hmm.
I don't know.
I don't know if i feel comfortable Degrading a monkey that way.
Let's-Let's just stick with the plan.
Ok.
It's open.
Arthur, you know you shouldn't leave the door unlocked like that.
I mean, any freak can just walk in off the street.
Oh, very funny.
Um, i'm returning carrie's copy of the hours.
Let her know i thought it was haunting.
What have you got there? A bottle of port i'm giving to doug and carrie For their vow renewal.
It's my little way of saying How special they are to me.
A dugahno novidade.
This thing's worth a bundle.
Really? Oh, sure.
A member of my wine enthusiasts club Bought one for over $1,200.
Oh, my god! Yeah.
You see, the reason it's so rare Is that year there was an early frost, so the grape harvest- Message received, stubby.
Why are you so bent out of shape? Don't you get it? I promised to give this to douglas and carrie.
Damn it.
Why didn't i just make them another birdhouse? Wedding vow renewal, huh? What you plan on doing, You know, best man-Wise? Is it gonna be deacon again? Because at your wedding, you picked him And, you know, not me, And not that i really cared, But it was weird.
Actually, you know what? I'm not going with a best man.
Uh, hello! Someone has to hand you the wedding ring.
It's tradition.
Yeah.
I'm having a monkey do that.
What? Yeah, i was gonna go with a spider monkey, And then i decided you only get married again once, So i'm going with a chimp.
That's your cadillac of monkeys.
Wait a minute here.
Hold on.
I lost out on being best man to a monkey? Not by much.
I can't believe this.
How can i help you? Oh, ok, uh, well, My wife and i, we're renewing our vows, And we need to rent some chairs and tables and stuff.
Here's the date, there's the time.
Now, do i need to leave you a deposit or you- First things first.
What kind of chairs did you want? Uh the kind you, uh, Sit on.
We offer Flat back, arched, faux bamboo.
I'm obliged to also mention bean bag chairs, But i forbid you.
Sit down and i'll go get our catalog.
Ok.
"The beastie boy"? Oh, that's my monkey guy.
Hello.
Hey! So we're good to go on the 18th? What? Ohh.
Can't fleischman toyota Have their "going bananas" sale without him? Ok, fine.
Um, so i guess we'll go With that spider monkey.
Oh, my god.
I'm so sorry.
Ok, then.
Thanks.
I can't believe this.
I can't get my monkey.
Oh, can't you? Well, maybe i'm not available now.
All right.
No, no, i'll do it, i'll do it.
Yes, hi.
I'm looking for maria ferraro, the flutist.
This is she.
The flautist.
Hey, potay-To, potah-To, right? It's flautist.
Right.
Anyway, my husband and i were thinking About hiring you for our vow renewal, And i was just wondering if i could hear you Play a little something.
Well, the phone isn't really the best medium.
Either flaut or get off the pot, ok? Uh, hello? Would you just hold on For one second, ok? Hello? Miss? Yoo-Hoo! Be right back.
Hello.
Hi, darling.
I was just thinking Instead of that stodgy old port wine, How about if i float you a delightful bottle Of peach schnapps? Nearly full.
Well, dad, i kind of had my heart set On trying the port.
Uh-Huh.
What about if i throw in a canned ham? All right, i gotta go.
I'll talk to you later.
Hello? Hey, i need you to decide on a table.
They have round, oval, square, rectangle, One in that stop-Sign shape- I'm on the other line right now, honey.
Listen, i am very close to blacking out.
Please pick a shape.
I am on the other line with the flute lady.
Wait a second.
No, i gotta go.
I'll talk to you at home.
Ok, bye.
That sounded great.
Hello? You still there? Where are you? I think the more appropriate question Is where were you? Oh, um, i'm sorry.
See, what happened was- Ugh! This party! Are all flautists bitches? Because i know And the bakery won't deliver to the bluff, So we gotta drive 25 miles With a 4-Foot-High cake strapped to our hood.
And port-A-Potties are a fortune.
Can't we just tell everybody on the invitation To come having peed? What's the matter with you? Mr.
Bongo's a whore.
What? He blew us off because he got a job Working a toyota dealership with phil simms.
Oh, i'm sorry, baby.
Who would've thought That a beautiful thing like a vow renewal Would be such a pain in the ass? I know.
But you're still into it, right? Yeah.
I mean, if you are.
No, i am.
I'd be willing not to, though, if you- Ok.
Really? Yeah.
Oh, my god! I am so relieved! We are killing ourselves here.
Yes! Oh, i'm so happy we're not doing this.
What were we thinking? I know! I mean, we already did our vows.
We said them once.
They never go bad.
They're like twinkies.
Right! Hey, kids, don't mind me.
Just dropping off some literature.
Apparently, they found a link between port wine And irritable bowel syndrome.
Oh, that's ok, dad.
We decided not to renew our vows.
Oh, well, that's too bad.
Hot dog! Hello.
Dougie, it's mom.
Hey, ma.
I just wanted you to know smitty is diabetic And is wondering if you're gonna have Splenda packets on the table.
Oh, well, you can tell him or her not to worry Because we're calling the whole thing off.
What? Yeah, you know what? It just turned into a huge pain, And we just decided to bag it.
Oh.
I see.
Well, i'll tell smitty, and, uh, That's that, then.
Ok, ma, then say hi to dad, And i'll talk to you soon.
Good-Bye, sweetheart.
Bye.
Joe! The kids are in trouble! Hey, carrie.
I need you to 3-Hole-Punch this set of papers, And 2-Hole-Punch this set, And remember to save those little circles- For new year's eve confetti.
I know.
Ok.
You're the best.
Mm-Hmm.
Oh, by the way, i'm coming solo to your vow renewal.
I figure romantic setting, Why bring an old cow along When there are new calves for the lassoing? You didn't hear? We canceled the whole thing.
Oh.
Sorry.
That's too bad.
Oh, no, no.
It's ok.
It just became a hassle.
A hassle.
Mm-Hmm.
You know, carrie, We have a policy for what we call crisis leave.
Yeah, no, i know.
I remember from when you took yours.
But, no, we're fine.
Doug and i are great.
We've never been better.
Right.
Hey, kiddo.
I just heard you called things off.
You ok? Yeah? Talk to me, guy.
Excuse me? Talk to me.
About what? Talk to me.
Hey! Look, i heard you were canceling your vows.
I - I had no idea things were this bad with you two.
It's not bad.
What are you talking about? It just became a big pain, that's all.
Hey, when i accepted Your invitation to be your best man, I didn't just sign up for the good times.
I consider it a responsibility, And i take it very seriously.
You were supposed to be a monkey.
Shh! Easy.
It's me here.
Take off the mask.
Let me see your face.
Ok, you know what? You're right.
You're right, man.
We should talk, but, uh, I'll tell you what.
These walls have ears, So let's go outside and do it out there.
Oh, good call, buddy.
Yeah, totally.
Ahem.
Ok.
So has anybody bought my port? We don't know yet, ok? This is an on-Line auction.
It could go on for days.
Well, i can't sit here for days.
I mean, the next 2 are fine, but on thursday, I'm sampling food at costco with mickey.
The current bid is $1,350! Mamaloshen! Ohh.
Hey, guys.
What are you doing on my computer? Oh, just, uh looking at pornography, sweetheart.
Well, good luck with that.
Thank you.
Supermarket knockoff advil now! What's wrong with you? Oh, work was crazy.
I mean, ever since we canceled renewing our vows, Everyone thinks our marriage is in trouble.
They were all like, "are you ok? We're here for you, sweetie.
" It's so freakin' annoying.
I got the same thing from danny, And the chair guy invited me out for sushi.
You know what? Let the machine get it.
It's probably just danny reminding me hugs are free.
Dougie, it's your mother.
I'm gonna try and say this without crying.
Every marriage has its potholes oh, god.
It's spread to florida.
And marriage can be a long and wonderful winding road.
All right, you know what? Should we just go through with this To stop this madness? What, are you crazy? We're not gonna do it Just to prove something to people.
Doug, i can't live like this anymore! And when trouble comes into that home- Oh, for the love of pete! Will you leave them alone? Go back to your program, joe! This is a private conversation.
When you have trouble, All you need to get through it is faith in each other And in god.
Oh, great.
Now she's got god in the middle of this.
That's a lot of firepower.
All right, all right, we'll do it! Ma, ma, yeah.
Don't worry.
You know what? We're gonna renew the vows.
Well, i'm glad you're happy.
Ok.
Bye.
That's a kick in the oblongs.
And it's because of the love that you two share That you've chosen to come together At this blessed renewal of your wedding vows.
Am i correct? Hmm? Oh.
Yeah, yeah.
Beautiful thing, beautiful.
Well, now, are you planning on writing your own vows? Gotta be honest with you, father.
Whatever you got handy is fine.
Yeah, we'll just take the standard vows, And we'll fill in all the personal stuff, like mad libs.
Uh, doug, uh, carrie, You do realize this is a vow renewal.
You don't have to do this.
Oh, no, no, no, we have to do this.
Yeah, because everyone we know is all over us Because of her great idea.
Whoa, whoa! You're not trying to blame me for this, are you? All i'm saying is if you hadn't thought of it, My mom wouldn't be crying into our answering machine.
Oh, please, would you? I'm gonna go get The affirmation of love pamphlet.
First of all, the only reason why i thought of it In the first place is because you were going on and on About how much "in love" you were with me at the restaurant.
And the only reason i was saying i was "in love" With you is because you got me drunk And promised me a monkey.
Oh, yeah, doug, and that was a brilliant idea- Take our sacred wedding vows And turn it into a friggin' circus! I knew it.
You've always hated my monkey! From the beginning! Ya think? Doug, carrie.
I have a young, happy couple waiting right outside.
Oh, sorry, father.
We'll-We'll lower our voices.
Yeah.
I was wondering if you guys could, uh, just she's I don't think she's coming.
The girl's just a little late.
Scatterbrained is all she is.
I'm not so sure.
Pray with me, joe.
She'll be here! You don't know that! Poor kid.
You know, i saw the whole thing coming.
Everyone did.
She's been so stressed.
I heard her yell at a flautist.
Yowch.
This is unbelievable.
You all right, man? You need anything? Hey, step off, pal.
I'm the best man.
You had your chance.
I was just gonna ask if he wanted another soda.
Yeah, well, now i'm gonna ask him if he wants another soda.
You want another soda? No.
No.
He said no.
All right.
Take a stroll, babe.
Bye-Bye! Well, folks, looks like douglas has been left at the altar.
Let's form an orderly line and walk away from the bluff, And any gifts you may have brought Are obviously yours to keep.
Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa! I haven't been left at the altar! Ok? Carrie will be here.
Our relationship is fine! It's great! All right, look, it's not great.
Ok, we're in a huge fight right now, And i'm sure that's why she's late.
But the only reason we're in a big fight Is because of all of you! That's right, you, mom, and dad And danny and smitty Or jules, whichever one you are, And girl from carrie's office Whose name i just don't remember right now.
Amy.
Yeah, amy! Wow! I was thinking darla.
I was way off.
But the point is, this is all your fault, ok? So don't judge us.
We didn't want to do this.
We're just doing this for you.
Joe, look! Oh, damn it.
Sorry i'm late.
I had to make a pit stop at fleischman toyota.
You brought my monkey.
Here's the ring.
And, uh, here's a toast i wrote.
Listen, doug, i heard everything you were saying to everyone, And i want to tell you That i'm not doing this for any of them.
I'm doing this for us, 'Cause i love you Very much.
Now take the monkey, 'cause he smells.
Friends, relatives, We are gathered here today For the blessed renewal of the wedding vows Of doug and carrie.
Son of a bitch.