The Middle s06e04 Episode Script

Out here in the middle, there are a lot of two-job families.
In our case, we're about a four or five-job family.
Okay, you are all booked to rapid city, south Dakota.
Now, we know you have a choice in air travel, so we appreciate you flying with us.
Yes, I know we're the only carrier that flies there.
Look, it's just something we gotta say, okay? Mike and I were like two ships passing in the night Two tired, Rusty, "should started a college fund" ships.
Yep, our anniversary was pretty lame, as usual.
We don't normally care all that much, but it's a lot harder when you're staring young love in the face.
Darrin's been carrying me everywhere today.
My feet haven't touched the ground once.
That's because I've declared it "Sue Heck week.
" - For no reason.
- Ah! - Where to, my love? - Fro-yo! Aah! I'm okay! Darrin filled my room with balloons! Can you believe it?! A little warmer Warmer A little cooler.
Cold Now you're freezing.
A little less freezing.
Here.
Darrin, what is this? Pioneer galaxy jewelers? At the mall?! That place is fancy! They have a security guard and everything! Open it.
Oh, my God.
It's a necklace With a heart and key It's because she holds the key to my heart.
Yeah, Darrin, we get it.
Dude, like, how many different things do we have to write checks for? Why is there even a gas bill? Hmm? You don't put gas in a house.
It's not a car.
What about water? Why should we pay for that? - Stuff falls out of the sky for free.
- Yeah.
They're making money off God.
That's just wrong.
I'm telling you we're gonna have to get a couple roommates if we want to pay off these bills.
A couple? We need 20.
Wait That's a great idea.
That frat house down the street it's the same size as ours, and they're jammed with people.
That could be us! If we had 20 people paying rent, we wouldn't have to pay a dime.
We'd be making money.
Man, I don't want to live with a bunch of dudes.
So we let dudes and girls in.
Hmm? It'd be like a fraternity and a sorority a "fratority.
" Oh, hell, yes! What are we gonna call it? Well, it should have our names in it.
But we need to throw some Greek letters at it so people know it's legit.
Hmm.
Hmm.
Hmm.
Hmm.
I got it.
How about this? Hutch Axl pi.
Everybody loves hutch mm.
Everybody loves Axl well And you know everybody loves pie.
- Huh? - Oh.
Check, check.
Hello? Hello? You're not trying to face-time the president again, are you? No.
That's ridiculous.
I'm starting my own podcast.
Hey, that could be fun.
It's for the people who Oh.
Well, why don't you do that and the president thing and see who answers first.
Hi.
I'm Brick Heck, and this is "The FontCast" Still working on the title.
Feel free to call in with suggestions.
Today's topic is the raging and times new Roman's place in all of it.
And then, in our last segment, we'll get into the issue of kerning, which, for those of you who don't know As if is the spacing between characters.
Now, this is a very Dad, you've got to kno Oh, hi, Sue! Brad, I just did something so crazy! You'll never guess what! You dressed up as the opposite gender and went out in public? No, even crazier.
I stole Darrin's phone.
Okay, I have two questions and one comment.
How'd you do it? J'adore that hoodie.
It makes your eyes pop.
And why'd you steal your boyfriend's phone? Well, Darrin was being so amazing to me during the week of Sue with all the presents, including Love! I know, right? So now I want to do something nice for him, so I stole his phone to find a picture of the two of us, and I want to get it put on a blanket.
Oh, my God! You two would look so cute on a blanket! I know! Here.
Help me look for a photo.
Uh No Unh-unh Ew, my hair looks bad Still had braces Hold on.
Is that angel? Why does he have a picture of his ex on his phone? Oh, Brad, it's fine.
Wait a minute.
What is she wearing? Doesn't that look like the exact same necklace he gave me? Oh, my God.
He gave a key to his heart to angel and then he gave a key to his heart to me? I thought this was the key to his heart, but apparently he made duplicates.
Now, Sue, if this is true, it's devastating and would definitely destroy your relationship, but let's not go there yet.
Hey.
What are you doing here? Did you know you have to pay for Wi-Fi? Yeah.
I know.
Well, I didn't 'cause everything here is free.
For you, maybe.
And by the way, if you're gonna be living here next summer, we're gonna start making you pay for stuff.
Yeah, like you're gonna follow through on that.
Why are you looking at tables? Hutch and I got some big plans.
We're trying to class up our place, but we already hit all the dumpsters, and they're empty.
Ooh.
Let's look on Craigslist.
Scoot.
Let's see.
Okay.
Tents, televisions, transgender massage.
Oh, tables.
When are you guys gonna be done with the computer? I have to do my FontCast.
The second show is very important.
- My fan is counting on me.
- Brick, we're busy! I don't think the world's gonna miss your nerdcast for one day.
Fine.
I'll just run my "best of yesterday," but I trust you two will answer the angry letter.
Okay.
Ooh! What's this? Wow.
A whole dining-room table with chairs for only $52.
Yeah.
I'm not spending $52.
This is a steal! Look matched set, solid maple, perfect condition.
That's amazing! I can't believe it's only 52 bucks.
Aren't you past the age where you get excited about stuff? Absolutely, but come on.
Imagine how great that would look in our dining room.
Oh, it's so pretty.
Now, I know we already have a dining-room table, but seriously, if you'd seen the crap that it's been through Oh! Yep, there's a reason why we always have a tablecloth on it.
And you know how I'm always saying the dining room is so dark and claustrophobic? Sure, let's say I do.
Well, this was maple.
I mean, it would just lighten the whole room.
It reminds me of something that would be in that movie with Diane Keaton, where she's the writer and she writes and cries at that desk with her glasses on.
Oh, you know the movie.
No idea.
Yes, you do.
Anyway, there was this table in that movie, and they were always laughing around it and eating on plates with candles, and the whole house just seemed so fresh and beachy.
Of course, it was actually at the beach, so that probably did let's get it.
What? What are you talking about? We're not gonna get it.
Who says? Let Let's do it.
Why not? Mike, we're trying to save for college, and we already have a table.
We'll give it to Axl.
It's already wrecked anyway.
Are you serious? Yeah, I am.
We've been working our butts off.
It's our 20-something-th anniversary.
And besides, the next time we splurge on something made of wood, it'll probably be coffins.
Oh! Come on.
It'll be our gift to each other.
But it seems so extravagant.
I mean, can we really do that? Frankie, you've been complaining about that table since the day we got it.
You hate that thing.
Come on, 20-something years is long enough.
You've done your time.
Really? We're gonna do it? Oh, my God! We're gonna do it! Ooh, I got to get that thing.
It's gonna get snatched up.
Oh, hey.
I wanted to call you, but I can't find my phone.
Yeah, I know.
I have it.
Oh, great.
No, not great, Darrin.
I stole it to find a picture of the two of us so I could make you a photo blanket because you were being so sweet to me during the week of Sue.
You're gonna make me a photo blanket? I love photo blankets.
Yeah, I know, Darrin.
Everybody does.
It's a photo on a blanket.
It is a great idea! This is weird.
It's like you're saying nice things, but I get the feeling you're mad.
Yeah, you know, actually, I am mad.
When I went through your phone, I found a picture of angel wearing the exact same necklace you gave me.
Oh.
Is that bad? Well, it's not good! You told me this was the key to your heart, and then I find out you already gave the key to your heart to somebody else! You know it's not really the key to my heart, right? But it's supposed to be a symbol of your love.
You know, I was so excited that my boyfriend got a special necklace just for me, and then I find out it's just some thing you give to anybody you date.
Look, it's only 'cause I'm really bad at buying presents.
When I got angel the necklace, she really liked it, so I thought you would, too.
I mean, my mom really likes hers.
Oh, my God! Your mom, too?! You know, that's a lot of keys to your heart, Darrin! Why even bother locking it if everybody's got one?! Sue no! Just forget it! Forget it, Darrin! It is over! Here, take your stupid necklace back, and your phone! By the way, your dentist appointment got changed to 4:00.
When you've been married as long as we have, sometimes you gotta splurge, and without the old dining table in there, the dining room was actually quite elegant.
Hey, Bri.
How's the podcast going? I got to tell you, it's a real grind.
You got to churn out show after show after show.
Haven't you only done like three? Yeah.
Show after show after show.
What are you doing it for, then? Well, I do it for the fan.
Without the fan, I'm nothing.
You'd better finish up that vacuuming.
I'm gonna have a hot mic in a minute.
We're talking garamond today.
How am I gonna get fired up for that? Mm.
Oh! Unh! Oh, this looks sweet! Check it out the table fits perfectly here.
I always wondered what that light was for.
Hey, and did you see the car mats I put in front of the toilet? Oh, yeah.
Those are classy.
And they really soak up the pee.
Did you notice I put the bathroom door back on its hinges? I think we'll both appreciate that.
Oh, yeah.
We classed the crap out of this place.
Everybody's gonna want to be a part of hutch Axl pi.
Oh! Oh! Oh! No.
Yeah? Did you do oh.
We'll work on the handshake.
Hey, mom.
Hmm? Can I ask you something? I have a lot of coloring to do before the table gets here.
I-if you grab a pen and help, you can ask me anything.
Okay.
Well You know what happened with me and Darrin.
Mm-hmm.
Uh, but I'm thinking I might have overreacted a little, so I-I wanted to write him a poem or a letter or something to apologize, but I-I'm feeling kind of stuck.
You and dad have been in love way longer than me.
How would you describe love? Oh.
Uh Well, let's see.
What is love? Uh, well It's like when you're young and you see a sweater in the store window and you're so excited and you just gotta have it.
And you get it and you wear it all the time and it's so amazing.
But after a while, the sweater starts to get ratty and smell, but you still love it.
And people say, "why don't you get rid of that old thing?" But you keep on wearing it 'til eventually it starts losing its shape and it's sagging in places.
But what are you gonna do? It's your sweater.
Maybe I'll just write down my favorite lines from "the fault in our stars" and I'll put it on his windshield.
Good call.
Hey Nick! Welcome to hutch Axl pi.
Thanks.
This place is great.
I really Yeah, yeah, cool.
So, uh, tell me if you were to apply for a car loan, would the dealership look at your bank statement and laugh or smile and hand you some keys? Oh, uh, I don't know.
I'm I'm not really in the market for a car right now.
Well, I-I actually just bought a flat-screen TV.
Welcome, brother Nick! I love the whole "bro/babe" vibe this place is throwing down.
I want in.
Only prob is, my wallet's not too fat right now.
So, if you guys could, like, let me slide on the first payment, pretty sure I could scrounge the cash by month two.
I'm gonna go ahead and put a little "X" on your name tag for no reason.
I may have trouble paying the first month's rent.
My dad cut me off for partying too much.
Hey, don't you worry.
There's always a bed at hutch Axl pi for a girl like you.
Sue.
What are you doing? _ _ _ _ _ That one was actually from Jane Seymour's jewelry ad, but I just thought it was so good.
Sue Look, Darrin I am so, so sorry.
I was just jealous and crazy, and I took it out on you.
Pbht.
How could something that started with a photo blanket spin so far out of control? Can you please give me the necklace again? And we can just go back to the way things were.
Sue, I don't know anymore.
These past couple days have been kind of an emotional RollerCoaster for me.
And normally I love RollerCoasters, but you really hurt my feelings, and then you wouldn't talk to me.
I think I just need some time time to figure things out.
I'm sorry.
Can you please go now so I can ring the doorbell for my mom? And remember in the same document, and you're just showing off.
Hey, you doing your shh.
So, in conclusion, it's with a heavy heart that I announce that this will be my final FontCast.
When I started on Monday, I was a different person.
That first show was an incredible high, the second was a little less so, and by the third, well I was just going through the motions.
I've always said when I didn't have the joy anymore, I'd walk away.
It wouldn't be fair to you, the fan, to keep going.
I just want to thank you for allowing me into your home for the better part of a week.
I leave you with this than the words it's written in.
If you're feeling bold, always italicize.
And don't be afraid to I'm Brick Heck, and it has been my honor.
That was a little harder than I thought it'd be.
Oh, hey, you were on longer The important thing to remember is My table! Hi.
Okay.
Oh.
What's this? Huh.
Must be the bolts or something.
Hey.
Where's the new table? Oh, it's there.
Really? I didn't see it.
Look closer.
The It's Dollhouse furniture, Mike.
That's why it was only 50 bucks.
I mean, who on earth pays Apparently, we do.
Frankie, how'd this happen? Hey, you're the one who said, "get it.
" Wasn't there a picture? Yes That made it look like a regular table in a regular room.
I mean, come on, that is not how you take a picture of a doll table.
This is how you take a picture of a doll table.
You take a table.
You take a pen.
You put them next to each other.
The person looking at the picture says, "oh, this table's only as big as a pen.
I can't have Thanksgiving dinner on it.
" Well, I hope you kept the number of this place 'cause I'm getting them on the phone right now and they're taking this back.
Oh, you don't think I tried that? It did not go well.
For people who make tiny furniture for the pleasure of children, they're real douche bags.
Well, guess there's only one thing we can do.
We got to replace the rest of our stuff with tiny stuff, or this table is gonna look ridiculous.
Oh, Mike, I'm sorry.
I was dumb.
I was so dumb! Eh, it's not your fault.
It's both of ours.
We tried to find joy, and the universe clearly does not want us to have it.
I just wanted something nice for a change.
I know.
Well, someday we'll learn.
How to be happy? No to stop trying.
Oh! Dude! Can you believe this? I know.
This is so awesome! How many people did you give bids to? Uh, I don't know.
I just started letting everybody in.
Me too! We're gonna make so much money! Hutch Axl pi! Hutch Axl pi! Hutch Axl pi! Hutch Axl pi! Hutch Axl pi! Hutch Axl pi! Hutch Axl pi! Aah! Aah! Whoo! Hutch Axl pi! Hutch Axl pi! Hutch Axl pi! Hutch Axl pi! Hutch Axl pi! Look at this place.
Everything's busted.
Oh, man, fratorities are expensive.
Well, better get your checkbook out 'cause we got a lot of stuff to replace.
No.
Come on.
You know we can't afford that.
We got to figure out something else.
Well, there is one thing we could do.
He's not pink-sweater girl, but he's quiet, and he pays his rent on time.
And, you know he's family.
So, Axl and hutch had found the man of their dreams, but, sadly, the balloons Darrin had left in Sue's room had lasted longer than their relationship.
"I miss you, and I will not give up on us.
As Ryan Gosling says in 'the notebook' I don't care what Ryan Gosling says.
Darrin?! I only care what you have to say, Sue.
What I would have to say? What I say? Um, I-I would say that I love you and I am so, so sorry and you're the best sweater ever and and ah, I don't even know what I'm saying! I just want to hold you! Me too! Where are you?! Oh, I'm over here! I don't see you! Now I'm by the door! Hurry! Stay there! I'll come find you! I love you, Sue Heck.
I love you, too.
You now have the only key to my heart.
Ooh! My mom cried a little bit, but She understood.
Young love it's filled with ups and downs and rooms full of balloons, but there's no way any normal couple can sustain that kind of passion.
But sometimes, on a special occasion, like your 20-something-th anniversary You can still try.
What's all this? Happy anniversary.
Wow.
You really went to town here.
Well, you know, I was thinking about it, and I realized when I sit down to dinner at a tiny table, there's no one I'd rather sit across from and see than you.
You're out in five, Jimmy.
Give me a minute, I just lost my favorite podcast.
I went on top too.
So classic.
What is that? Helvetica again? What a surprise.
Can't throw in Century Gothic once in a while? What are we, animals?