Weeds s06e04 Episode Script
Bliss
Previously on Weeds.
Shane, what the fuck happened at the party? I killed Pilar with a croquet mallet by the pool.
Hello? Andy! Silas! My child murdered someone.
I have to leave town now.
So, what's the destination, boss? North.
Step one, kill your old identity.
Step two, establishing new identities.
- I'll be Mike.
- Shawn.
- Nathalie.
- I'll be Randy Newman.
Well, you all seem to have quite a lot of experience in the hospitality industry.
Dishwasher.
Bellhop.
Maid.
Yippee-ki-yay, motherfucker.
You know where I could score some weed around here? You're shit out of luck on that one, man.
Nigel the valet used to supply, but he's on strike.
I'm really good at moving product.
I could be your biggest customer.
Kish.
- She's cute.
How old is she? - He is five.
You got cash? So, your trimmings, you throw them away? I'll take them.
I'm thinking $100 buys me a lot of trimmings.
I thought the Newmans were doing things differently.
We are! We're making hash.
I don't know where they went! Bullshit! I was having a really good day.
I won $10 on a scratcher.
A day can turn so fast.
You're their close friend.
They don't tell me anything.
The Botwins are selfish assholes.
Cut off one of his balls.
No! That's horrible! Don't do that! I don't want to touch his balls.
Fine.
I'll do it.
That's kind of weird, Cesar.
If I knew they were gone, would I come here with a large bucket of chicken? I wanted to hang out, maybe watch that Crispin Glover movie with the retarded people.
But, no.
You shove a gun in my face and then dunk my head in the fish, and Edward James Olmos over here wants to slice my nutsack.
I know nothing! Okay.
Kill him.
Wait.
What just happened? You won.
We believe you.
Congratulations.
Winning is supposed to feel good.
No, no, no.
I can help.
I can help.
- Hey! Hey! - Fuck! It's just my phone! I got Andy's cell on here.
Look.
"Andy Buttwank.
" I just, you know It's just a fun thing I like to do with the names.
It's ringing.
Hello? Andy? Buddy.
Where are you? I'm sitting in a world of shit, brother.
You? How about I come see you? Sure.
I caught a cat yesterday.
That sounds awesome.
Where are you? A fucking alley in Seattle.
Wow.
That's far.
What's it called? Okay.
I'll see you there.
Yeah, he's good.
What the fuck? I know where he is.
I'm not gonna tell you.
And if you torture me again, I'm just gonna lie.
So you have to keep me alive so I can lead you to him.
Really? That worked? Get in the fucking car.
What's with the spread? Silas bought food with the money he made sucking off an old man.
- What? - Hotel guest.
Big tipper.
Bad eyesight.
I read to him in my underwear.
I didn't touch him.
See? He just read to him in his underwear.
And the guy tipped him.
Croquettes.
Taste.
- Yummy.
- Yeah? How yummy? Like from one to 10.
I need a 10, Nance.
Nathalie.
Nat.
I need a 10, Nat.
It's not really a breakfast food.
I bet Avi wants some.
Avi does not eat solid food yet.
I realize that, Shane.
I better get him inside.
- I'll take him.
- No.
I'm in charge of Avi.
You guys are a bad influence.
- What? - You don't mean me? I'm a paragon.
How am I not a good influence? You yank wieners for cash.
I need to find a girl to have sex with.
Smart move.
Go.
Cleanse.
I'm his mother, Shane.
Your job right now is to be a maid and to keep your husband from finding us.
My job is to protect Avi.
Let's do our jobs.
You're this close to being grounded.
You're not a bad influence because you're a drug dealer.
That's right.
You're a bad influence because you're a bad drug dealer.
Okay, that's it.
You're grounded.
Do you want to be grounded, too? I happen to have been a great drug dealer.
No.
Really, if we look back on your illustrious career, "great" is not the adjective that pops out at you.
- I had my moments.
- Sure.
Sure, you have.
Try not to get arrested today, okay? Best steakhouse in the whole northwest.
And get the bone-in filet.
Thank you.
Best steak in the whole northwest? You're making me hungry.
Yeah, well, it's horse meat, but they kick me back 20 bucks a head, so How do I apply for your job? Fuck you.
I haven't paid for a meal, a concert, a slurp job from a titty dancer in my two years as head concierge.
Pry this gig out of my cold, dead asshole.
Is that where you keep it? What do you want? Guests have been asking where they can get certain herbal items.
Bullshit.
No one talks to maids.
People don't want to actually know who makes their toilet pubes disappear while they're at the Space Needle.
I know Nigel the valet is on strike.
What, are you looking to park cars? Yeah.
You found me out.
My true dream is to park rental cars and hand out bottles of water.
The maid gig, it's just a stepping stone.
to sample your product.
It's good stuff.
Well, you're a white lady with no accent working as a maid in 2010.
I'm just gonna take your word for it? - I'll bring you a sample.
- Thank you.
Chef? Estelle, mein Liebling.
I hope the meal was satisfactory.
Well, I have to be honest.
The appetizer was But the real standout was the amuse-bouche.
I could have eaten 12 of those.
So, good work! Good for you.
This is a puzzle.
I did not make an amuse-bouche today, and yet she could have eaten 12.
Mr.
Dishwasher? Did you whip up a little something? It's all right.
You can tell me.
People seemed to like it.
Okay.
Yeah.
That was me.
I tried to tell you before, Chef.
My talents are really wasted on Fired! - What? Really? - Yes! And later, I will hunt you down, and I will stab you in your eye socket.
Now get out of my kitchen.
No.
Chef! Taste it.
If it is not the best duck confit croquette you've ever had, you can cut off a finger.
Michelle! You're fired! And, Mr.
Dishwasher, you are now my new sous.
Oh, my God! Just like that? No, no, no.
First, you must be punished.
Punishment.
All right.
Fair enough.
Yeah.
Okay.
So, are you a rehabilitationist or a retributionist? What? Okay.
Excuse me.
Sorry.
- Yeah.
Here.
- Okay.
Yeah.
I don't know what that What's the Whoa! No! I'm not I don't even really know this gentleman.
The spanking machine! - Crawl! - Okay.
- Crawl! - Okay! Okay.
Okay.
The Yippity.
That's a nice one.
Yeah, I wanted thick tires with good tread for all the rainy days we have.
Didn't Savannah have the Yippity? Stolen outside Twist 'N' Sprout by a bunch of crackheads.
Sit, sit, sit.
I'm Rebekah.
This is our little mommy support group.
- Cheryl.
Allison.
- Hi.
Your little brother is adorable! Look at that peanut! Avi's mine.
He's what happens when your school teaches abstinence only.
Where is his mother? In heaven.
Qahtaniya, Iraq.
Those animals put an IED in a soda can.
Now me and Avi are alone.
Oh, my God! - Tragic.
- Yeah.
We met when she was a senior and I was a freshman.
My locker was next to hers.
Then I went to summer school, and she went to war.
I drank soda, and she Well, boom.
Well, you have help, though, right? My mom.
She's a maid, and we live in a motel.
Sometimes she drinks.
But you can't choose your family, right? You're not alone anymore.
Hey, what's up, man? Hey.
Actually, you want in? - What the hell is this? - Hash.
- Hash? This isn't the Gaza Strip.
- Just try it.
It's strong with a mellow high.
All right, fine.
But roll the joints tighter.
This is a classy hotel.
Presentation counts.
Here's how we do it.
When I get a request for herbal relaxation, I put you on the housekeeping schedule for those rooms, I contact you.
Nathalie, check the schedule.
You got a new room to clean.
The guests will put the money under the pillow, you leave the hash, and immediately after your shift, you come find me and you bring me my cut.
It's 25%.
- You said 20.
- Well, that was the pot price.
You can't just change the terms.
Look, some people set the rules, and others follow them.
And in this equation, it's the one going to a party tonight at Sir Mix-a-Lot's house, not the one who will be here cleaning semen stains.
It's 25%.
I'm doing this for my family.
I'm doing this for a jet ski.
Clean up the room before you go.
Please.
Play in English.
Fuck you.
Tell us where we're going.
Guess.
Come on.
I want to play.
I'm good at games.
I was on $25,000 Pyramid.
But they never aired my episode because I tweaked Betty White's nipple.
She's not as cool as everyone thinks.
No.
That's 20.
It's a seat belt.
A seat belt? You're picking things in the car with us! You have no imagination, Cesar! I'm gonna kill him now.
Fine.
You kill him, Esteban kills you.
I move up.
Did you guys know I was married? I have children, too.
Other facts, I threw javelin in college.
I sleep with a body pillow.
I'm afraid of heights and of leading a life of no significance.
My favorite movie is Cool Hand Luke.
But really, it's Steel Magnolias.
What are you doing? He's trying to humanize himself to us so we don't kill him.
What are you talking No, I'm not! That My point is that apprenticeship is a lost art.
Watchmaking.
Cobbling.
Ninja'ing.
The mysterious lessons.
Frustration.
Montages.
And then, just as the pupil is about to give up, the teachings coalesce.
The hierarchy is challenged.
Student surpasses the master.
Andy's boss spanked him.
Spanking machine, technically.
Nance, you're looking at the new sous-chef.
Did you get a promotion? Yes.
I'm already mulling my Celeb-U-Chef catchphrase.
I'm thinking, "That's almost too good!" With you go up on the "too!" "Too good!" Well, what has two thumbs and was really good at her job today? Me! I crushed it! Everybody loved my stuff.
If the Eagle Scouts gave a badge for drug dealing, I'd have gotten it.
The Eagle Scouts are for boys.
Brownies.
Whatever.
I Anybody want a chocolate? I need money.
Stevie doesn't have enough contrast toys.
And Rebekah and Allison have these - Who? - My friends.
They have these teething necklaces.
You did receive money for selling your drugs today, right? Yeah.
Here.
Me, too.
Creme fraiche ain't cheap.
I'll have a chocolate.
- Mike likes chocolate.
- And money.
- What for? - Stuff.
There's this class I want to audit at this college.
You can tell me what it's really for.
I am.
Don't worry about it.
I just need money, all right? Okay.
I thought I was the only one on laundry tonight.
Yeah, a guest lost their earrings, so I figured I'd check the lint trap.
What the hell is all this brown stuff? Don't touch that.
Shit! So stupid.
I'd step back if I were you.
I thought this was gonna get it clean.
At least I At least I got rid of the smell.
The guests are such pigs.
Damn.
I thought I saw everything.
That is not sanitary.
Good God.
After a shift here, I go home to my family, and they look like shiny little angels.
And them some disgusting motherfuckers.
So tell me this story.
This guy Hairy, disgusting.
There was a hooker involved.
Phil.
That pervert comes here every month on business.
But he ain't never been into that.
That's some next-level shit right there.
Fucking Phil.
Fucking Phil.
I can't believe this is my life.
- No offense.
- It's okay.
Just pray to Jesus and play the lotto, girl.
- You gonna be okay? - No.
Yeah.
Absolutely.
Everything's gonna be fine.
Yes! I told you I rock at this! All right.
You can be my beer pong partner tonight, faggot.
You're the faggot, faggot.
I got to go.
Culture and Society in Imperial Russia.
Right? What's your next class? Actually, my schedule's light today.
So I'm just gonna hang here in the quad.
Quad? You retard.
- Hey, Tripp.
- Hey.
This is Jane, and that's Kimmie.
This is Mike.
- Dickie Crickets tonight? - Dickie Crickets.
- We're gonna destroy them.
- We'll beat them, right? - Destroy them! - See you there.
- Hi.
- Hi.
What's your major, Mike? Botany.
Plants.
You must be really smart.
Do you really need to play beer pong tonight? I promised Tripp.
But why? Well, it's trivia night, and we don't have any guys.
Pong is for idiot frat boys.
Are you an idiot frat boy, Mike the botanist? No.
No.
I'll take trivia for $100.
Okay.
Good choice.
Bye.
Yes! Are you my fucking drug dealer or not? - Yes.
I'm telling you I'm out of product.
- Tough dick.
The Northwestern Society of Embalmers is coming to the hotel tomorrow, and those fuckers get high.
Find more.
- Can you advance me some cash? - Can I Listen to me.
Two years ago, I was working at Cap'n Crushins, pounding stale candy into ice cream and seriously considering drowning myself in Puget Sound.
Now I run this city.
And you know why? Because I make shit happen! - I'm all tapped out.
- Then tap yourself in, bitch! I set up a bunch of drops for you tomorrow.
Well, I don't know what to tell you.
Apologize, offer them all free tickets to Mamma Mia! The cupboards are bare.
Listen, maid, I trusted you because you're foxy.
And I don't like sending guests to the ghetto to find drugs.
But if anyone files a complaint about me because you didn't come through, I will fuck your world sideways.
I can't believe we actually won tonight.
How did I even know Wade Boggs? Sorry about the shower.
Whenever I have a guy in the room, my pervy roommate Greta watches and masturbates.
Awesome.
I mean, that That sucks.
How's my lip? It's It's still bleeding a little.
I didn't realize how sharp my vajazzling was.
That's okay.
It's very sparkly.
Yeah.
Hey, is somebody fucking in there? As soon as you leave.
Hey, faggot! Hey, listen, I forgive you for bailing out on pong tonight.
It's cool.
What's up, Kimmie? Those are nice pussy charms.
- Thanks.
- Yeah.
Listen, you should come on by when you're through, faggot.
- We're gonna watch Office Space.
- Sweet.
Cool.
Boom.
Okay.
- What? - Nothing.
I just love college so much.
So, I appeal to you as a woman, as a mother, as a fellow female traveler on the road.
Is that the road that's paved with bullshit? No cash, no shake.
Don't let the hairy legs fool you.
This is a capitalist enterprise.
So there's nothing else? Childcare? Or I could go down on you? Joking.
Mostly joking.
That was lame.
It would have worked with a man.
Men are easy.
Men are the Monday crossword.
But women, we're We're Sunday.
That's why they die before us.
The poor fuckers, they blow a gasket after a lifetime of trying to figure out the magnificent organism that is woman.
How to make us happy.
But really, I'll go down on you.
I'm desperate here.
And chatty.
Damn it! The stupid fucking car is out of biodiesel again! I am so sick of driving to every taqueria in town to beg for used oil! Honey, carbon footprint.
Hey, lick my carbon footprint.
Hey, where is Kish? He peed in the fish pond.
God damn it.
Again? - Can I have a kiss? - Can I have a real car? Kish! Where do we pee-pee? You should probably go.
Come back when you have cash.
Or if you figure out that thing about how to make a woman happy.
I know how you can make this woman happy.
Maybe Shane's right.
Maybe I am a bad drug dealer.
Try that.
Delicious.
Of course, it's delicious.
It's deep-fried.
In what? In panther blood.
What do you mean "in what?" In oil.
You're still not getting it, manipulator.
- It's used cooking oil.
- It's the property of the hotel.
When have questions of legality or morality ever bothered you? I'm not gonna risk my job.
I've been flailing.
This is my Eat, Pray, Love moment.
This is my bliss.
Their car uses veggie oil.
I need something to trade so I can get more shake, - because more shake means more hash.
- I know this.
I know all this.
Which means I can keep you in foodstuffs, Silas in school "Eat, Pray, Love," Nance.
It's about a woman who finds herself and Shane in baby supplies.
her bliss through food! - So we can get out of that motel - And fucking, I think.
and then maybe start to get a life.
- You should read it.
Move.
Come on.
I want to be a chef.
I know you do, sweetie.
I know.
- This isn't right, Nance.
- I know.
- "Eat, Pray, Love," Nance.
- I know.
I know.
I know.
I know.
Go on.
- God damn it.
- I know.
Go get the van! I'm telling you, the Cry It Out movement is cruel and anti-intuitive.
It's complete nonsense.
I think I just peed myself a little.
Have you guys been practicing your kegels? I still can't figure them out.
We went over this.
Just pretend your vagina is an elevator.
Going down? This isn't a joke, Cheryl.
You want to end up wearing one of those Whoopi Goldberg pee pads? Come sit down.
Join us for a snack.
I'd love to.
How are your kegels? They're private, Shawn.
Cheryl, Allison, won't you join us? What's going on? - Cheryl? - Shawn, we know the truth.
Truth about what? We know Avi's mother wasn't killed in the Iraq.
I called my brother-in-law at the Department of Defense.
There were no IED fatalities in Qahtaniya anywhere near the time you said Avi's mother was killed.
So, why don't you tell us the truth or we can call Child Protective Services together? Who the hell is this? Hey, guy.
Where's Andy? He told me to come here.
I put 1,000 miles on my car for nothing.
No, no, no.
I talked to him.
Where's Andy's cell phone? This is my phone.
It came to me from the sky.
- Give us the phone.
- Fuck you, beaner! It's mine! I reprogrammed it so it can make sandwiches.
You can buy it from me, but it's gonna cost you a lot Oh, my God.
Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Why did you do that? - That was close.
- Close? You killed him! No! The cat! I almost shot the cat! He just jumped out! Now we have to get rid of the body.
I almost killed an innocent kitty! Dead.
Blood.
So much blood.
Who's gonna take care of you now, Senor Gato? Mr.
Cat? Where are you, kitty? Here, kitty, kitty.
I called Andy.
This guy answered.
I didn't know what to say.
I didn't want to die.
It's a lease.
Please, don't kill me like that.
Don't kill me at all! Let me live! There is a penalty if I go over the allotted mileage.
I'll call the company, talk them out of it.
I'm good at that.
Help me carry the body.
Okay! Okay! Okay! Okay! - Here, kitty, kitty.
- Okay.
Okay.
Okay.
Here, kitty, kitty.
That looks like the good stuff.
Pure vegetable.
No particulants.
Triple-strained.
And we have a steady supply.
No more hustling fast-food joints.
What? I'm trying to figure out what that little girl's doing in there.
- She's naked.
- It's a boy.
He's trying to blow himself.
So barter? Fiona, go get the shake.
Look who's got a spring in her step.
- I make things happen.
- Yeah, with my stolen cooking oil.
With my wits.
With my moxie.
Whatever you can say about Nathalie Nancy Botwin Newman Price, wife, mother, lover, drug dealer, good or bad, I get shit done.
You two! Don't fucking move!
Shane, what the fuck happened at the party? I killed Pilar with a croquet mallet by the pool.
Hello? Andy! Silas! My child murdered someone.
I have to leave town now.
So, what's the destination, boss? North.
Step one, kill your old identity.
Step two, establishing new identities.
- I'll be Mike.
- Shawn.
- Nathalie.
- I'll be Randy Newman.
Well, you all seem to have quite a lot of experience in the hospitality industry.
Dishwasher.
Bellhop.
Maid.
Yippee-ki-yay, motherfucker.
You know where I could score some weed around here? You're shit out of luck on that one, man.
Nigel the valet used to supply, but he's on strike.
I'm really good at moving product.
I could be your biggest customer.
Kish.
- She's cute.
How old is she? - He is five.
You got cash? So, your trimmings, you throw them away? I'll take them.
I'm thinking $100 buys me a lot of trimmings.
I thought the Newmans were doing things differently.
We are! We're making hash.
I don't know where they went! Bullshit! I was having a really good day.
I won $10 on a scratcher.
A day can turn so fast.
You're their close friend.
They don't tell me anything.
The Botwins are selfish assholes.
Cut off one of his balls.
No! That's horrible! Don't do that! I don't want to touch his balls.
Fine.
I'll do it.
That's kind of weird, Cesar.
If I knew they were gone, would I come here with a large bucket of chicken? I wanted to hang out, maybe watch that Crispin Glover movie with the retarded people.
But, no.
You shove a gun in my face and then dunk my head in the fish, and Edward James Olmos over here wants to slice my nutsack.
I know nothing! Okay.
Kill him.
Wait.
What just happened? You won.
We believe you.
Congratulations.
Winning is supposed to feel good.
No, no, no.
I can help.
I can help.
- Hey! Hey! - Fuck! It's just my phone! I got Andy's cell on here.
Look.
"Andy Buttwank.
" I just, you know It's just a fun thing I like to do with the names.
It's ringing.
Hello? Andy? Buddy.
Where are you? I'm sitting in a world of shit, brother.
You? How about I come see you? Sure.
I caught a cat yesterday.
That sounds awesome.
Where are you? A fucking alley in Seattle.
Wow.
That's far.
What's it called? Okay.
I'll see you there.
Yeah, he's good.
What the fuck? I know where he is.
I'm not gonna tell you.
And if you torture me again, I'm just gonna lie.
So you have to keep me alive so I can lead you to him.
Really? That worked? Get in the fucking car.
What's with the spread? Silas bought food with the money he made sucking off an old man.
- What? - Hotel guest.
Big tipper.
Bad eyesight.
I read to him in my underwear.
I didn't touch him.
See? He just read to him in his underwear.
And the guy tipped him.
Croquettes.
Taste.
- Yummy.
- Yeah? How yummy? Like from one to 10.
I need a 10, Nance.
Nathalie.
Nat.
I need a 10, Nat.
It's not really a breakfast food.
I bet Avi wants some.
Avi does not eat solid food yet.
I realize that, Shane.
I better get him inside.
- I'll take him.
- No.
I'm in charge of Avi.
You guys are a bad influence.
- What? - You don't mean me? I'm a paragon.
How am I not a good influence? You yank wieners for cash.
I need to find a girl to have sex with.
Smart move.
Go.
Cleanse.
I'm his mother, Shane.
Your job right now is to be a maid and to keep your husband from finding us.
My job is to protect Avi.
Let's do our jobs.
You're this close to being grounded.
You're not a bad influence because you're a drug dealer.
That's right.
You're a bad influence because you're a bad drug dealer.
Okay, that's it.
You're grounded.
Do you want to be grounded, too? I happen to have been a great drug dealer.
No.
Really, if we look back on your illustrious career, "great" is not the adjective that pops out at you.
- I had my moments.
- Sure.
Sure, you have.
Try not to get arrested today, okay? Best steakhouse in the whole northwest.
And get the bone-in filet.
Thank you.
Best steak in the whole northwest? You're making me hungry.
Yeah, well, it's horse meat, but they kick me back 20 bucks a head, so How do I apply for your job? Fuck you.
I haven't paid for a meal, a concert, a slurp job from a titty dancer in my two years as head concierge.
Pry this gig out of my cold, dead asshole.
Is that where you keep it? What do you want? Guests have been asking where they can get certain herbal items.
Bullshit.
No one talks to maids.
People don't want to actually know who makes their toilet pubes disappear while they're at the Space Needle.
I know Nigel the valet is on strike.
What, are you looking to park cars? Yeah.
You found me out.
My true dream is to park rental cars and hand out bottles of water.
The maid gig, it's just a stepping stone.
to sample your product.
It's good stuff.
Well, you're a white lady with no accent working as a maid in 2010.
I'm just gonna take your word for it? - I'll bring you a sample.
- Thank you.
Chef? Estelle, mein Liebling.
I hope the meal was satisfactory.
Well, I have to be honest.
The appetizer was But the real standout was the amuse-bouche.
I could have eaten 12 of those.
So, good work! Good for you.
This is a puzzle.
I did not make an amuse-bouche today, and yet she could have eaten 12.
Mr.
Dishwasher? Did you whip up a little something? It's all right.
You can tell me.
People seemed to like it.
Okay.
Yeah.
That was me.
I tried to tell you before, Chef.
My talents are really wasted on Fired! - What? Really? - Yes! And later, I will hunt you down, and I will stab you in your eye socket.
Now get out of my kitchen.
No.
Chef! Taste it.
If it is not the best duck confit croquette you've ever had, you can cut off a finger.
Michelle! You're fired! And, Mr.
Dishwasher, you are now my new sous.
Oh, my God! Just like that? No, no, no.
First, you must be punished.
Punishment.
All right.
Fair enough.
Yeah.
Okay.
So, are you a rehabilitationist or a retributionist? What? Okay.
Excuse me.
Sorry.
- Yeah.
Here.
- Okay.
Yeah.
I don't know what that What's the Whoa! No! I'm not I don't even really know this gentleman.
The spanking machine! - Crawl! - Okay.
- Crawl! - Okay! Okay.
Okay.
The Yippity.
That's a nice one.
Yeah, I wanted thick tires with good tread for all the rainy days we have.
Didn't Savannah have the Yippity? Stolen outside Twist 'N' Sprout by a bunch of crackheads.
Sit, sit, sit.
I'm Rebekah.
This is our little mommy support group.
- Cheryl.
Allison.
- Hi.
Your little brother is adorable! Look at that peanut! Avi's mine.
He's what happens when your school teaches abstinence only.
Where is his mother? In heaven.
Qahtaniya, Iraq.
Those animals put an IED in a soda can.
Now me and Avi are alone.
Oh, my God! - Tragic.
- Yeah.
We met when she was a senior and I was a freshman.
My locker was next to hers.
Then I went to summer school, and she went to war.
I drank soda, and she Well, boom.
Well, you have help, though, right? My mom.
She's a maid, and we live in a motel.
Sometimes she drinks.
But you can't choose your family, right? You're not alone anymore.
Hey, what's up, man? Hey.
Actually, you want in? - What the hell is this? - Hash.
- Hash? This isn't the Gaza Strip.
- Just try it.
It's strong with a mellow high.
All right, fine.
But roll the joints tighter.
This is a classy hotel.
Presentation counts.
Here's how we do it.
When I get a request for herbal relaxation, I put you on the housekeeping schedule for those rooms, I contact you.
Nathalie, check the schedule.
You got a new room to clean.
The guests will put the money under the pillow, you leave the hash, and immediately after your shift, you come find me and you bring me my cut.
It's 25%.
- You said 20.
- Well, that was the pot price.
You can't just change the terms.
Look, some people set the rules, and others follow them.
And in this equation, it's the one going to a party tonight at Sir Mix-a-Lot's house, not the one who will be here cleaning semen stains.
It's 25%.
I'm doing this for my family.
I'm doing this for a jet ski.
Clean up the room before you go.
Please.
Play in English.
Fuck you.
Tell us where we're going.
Guess.
Come on.
I want to play.
I'm good at games.
I was on $25,000 Pyramid.
But they never aired my episode because I tweaked Betty White's nipple.
She's not as cool as everyone thinks.
No.
That's 20.
It's a seat belt.
A seat belt? You're picking things in the car with us! You have no imagination, Cesar! I'm gonna kill him now.
Fine.
You kill him, Esteban kills you.
I move up.
Did you guys know I was married? I have children, too.
Other facts, I threw javelin in college.
I sleep with a body pillow.
I'm afraid of heights and of leading a life of no significance.
My favorite movie is Cool Hand Luke.
But really, it's Steel Magnolias.
What are you doing? He's trying to humanize himself to us so we don't kill him.
What are you talking No, I'm not! That My point is that apprenticeship is a lost art.
Watchmaking.
Cobbling.
Ninja'ing.
The mysterious lessons.
Frustration.
Montages.
And then, just as the pupil is about to give up, the teachings coalesce.
The hierarchy is challenged.
Student surpasses the master.
Andy's boss spanked him.
Spanking machine, technically.
Nance, you're looking at the new sous-chef.
Did you get a promotion? Yes.
I'm already mulling my Celeb-U-Chef catchphrase.
I'm thinking, "That's almost too good!" With you go up on the "too!" "Too good!" Well, what has two thumbs and was really good at her job today? Me! I crushed it! Everybody loved my stuff.
If the Eagle Scouts gave a badge for drug dealing, I'd have gotten it.
The Eagle Scouts are for boys.
Brownies.
Whatever.
I Anybody want a chocolate? I need money.
Stevie doesn't have enough contrast toys.
And Rebekah and Allison have these - Who? - My friends.
They have these teething necklaces.
You did receive money for selling your drugs today, right? Yeah.
Here.
Me, too.
Creme fraiche ain't cheap.
I'll have a chocolate.
- Mike likes chocolate.
- And money.
- What for? - Stuff.
There's this class I want to audit at this college.
You can tell me what it's really for.
I am.
Don't worry about it.
I just need money, all right? Okay.
I thought I was the only one on laundry tonight.
Yeah, a guest lost their earrings, so I figured I'd check the lint trap.
What the hell is all this brown stuff? Don't touch that.
Shit! So stupid.
I'd step back if I were you.
I thought this was gonna get it clean.
At least I At least I got rid of the smell.
The guests are such pigs.
Damn.
I thought I saw everything.
That is not sanitary.
Good God.
After a shift here, I go home to my family, and they look like shiny little angels.
And them some disgusting motherfuckers.
So tell me this story.
This guy Hairy, disgusting.
There was a hooker involved.
Phil.
That pervert comes here every month on business.
But he ain't never been into that.
That's some next-level shit right there.
Fucking Phil.
Fucking Phil.
I can't believe this is my life.
- No offense.
- It's okay.
Just pray to Jesus and play the lotto, girl.
- You gonna be okay? - No.
Yeah.
Absolutely.
Everything's gonna be fine.
Yes! I told you I rock at this! All right.
You can be my beer pong partner tonight, faggot.
You're the faggot, faggot.
I got to go.
Culture and Society in Imperial Russia.
Right? What's your next class? Actually, my schedule's light today.
So I'm just gonna hang here in the quad.
Quad? You retard.
- Hey, Tripp.
- Hey.
This is Jane, and that's Kimmie.
This is Mike.
- Dickie Crickets tonight? - Dickie Crickets.
- We're gonna destroy them.
- We'll beat them, right? - Destroy them! - See you there.
- Hi.
- Hi.
What's your major, Mike? Botany.
Plants.
You must be really smart.
Do you really need to play beer pong tonight? I promised Tripp.
But why? Well, it's trivia night, and we don't have any guys.
Pong is for idiot frat boys.
Are you an idiot frat boy, Mike the botanist? No.
No.
I'll take trivia for $100.
Okay.
Good choice.
Bye.
Yes! Are you my fucking drug dealer or not? - Yes.
I'm telling you I'm out of product.
- Tough dick.
The Northwestern Society of Embalmers is coming to the hotel tomorrow, and those fuckers get high.
Find more.
- Can you advance me some cash? - Can I Listen to me.
Two years ago, I was working at Cap'n Crushins, pounding stale candy into ice cream and seriously considering drowning myself in Puget Sound.
Now I run this city.
And you know why? Because I make shit happen! - I'm all tapped out.
- Then tap yourself in, bitch! I set up a bunch of drops for you tomorrow.
Well, I don't know what to tell you.
Apologize, offer them all free tickets to Mamma Mia! The cupboards are bare.
Listen, maid, I trusted you because you're foxy.
And I don't like sending guests to the ghetto to find drugs.
But if anyone files a complaint about me because you didn't come through, I will fuck your world sideways.
I can't believe we actually won tonight.
How did I even know Wade Boggs? Sorry about the shower.
Whenever I have a guy in the room, my pervy roommate Greta watches and masturbates.
Awesome.
I mean, that That sucks.
How's my lip? It's It's still bleeding a little.
I didn't realize how sharp my vajazzling was.
That's okay.
It's very sparkly.
Yeah.
Hey, is somebody fucking in there? As soon as you leave.
Hey, faggot! Hey, listen, I forgive you for bailing out on pong tonight.
It's cool.
What's up, Kimmie? Those are nice pussy charms.
- Thanks.
- Yeah.
Listen, you should come on by when you're through, faggot.
- We're gonna watch Office Space.
- Sweet.
Cool.
Boom.
Okay.
- What? - Nothing.
I just love college so much.
So, I appeal to you as a woman, as a mother, as a fellow female traveler on the road.
Is that the road that's paved with bullshit? No cash, no shake.
Don't let the hairy legs fool you.
This is a capitalist enterprise.
So there's nothing else? Childcare? Or I could go down on you? Joking.
Mostly joking.
That was lame.
It would have worked with a man.
Men are easy.
Men are the Monday crossword.
But women, we're We're Sunday.
That's why they die before us.
The poor fuckers, they blow a gasket after a lifetime of trying to figure out the magnificent organism that is woman.
How to make us happy.
But really, I'll go down on you.
I'm desperate here.
And chatty.
Damn it! The stupid fucking car is out of biodiesel again! I am so sick of driving to every taqueria in town to beg for used oil! Honey, carbon footprint.
Hey, lick my carbon footprint.
Hey, where is Kish? He peed in the fish pond.
God damn it.
Again? - Can I have a kiss? - Can I have a real car? Kish! Where do we pee-pee? You should probably go.
Come back when you have cash.
Or if you figure out that thing about how to make a woman happy.
I know how you can make this woman happy.
Maybe Shane's right.
Maybe I am a bad drug dealer.
Try that.
Delicious.
Of course, it's delicious.
It's deep-fried.
In what? In panther blood.
What do you mean "in what?" In oil.
You're still not getting it, manipulator.
- It's used cooking oil.
- It's the property of the hotel.
When have questions of legality or morality ever bothered you? I'm not gonna risk my job.
I've been flailing.
This is my Eat, Pray, Love moment.
This is my bliss.
Their car uses veggie oil.
I need something to trade so I can get more shake, - because more shake means more hash.
- I know this.
I know all this.
Which means I can keep you in foodstuffs, Silas in school "Eat, Pray, Love," Nance.
It's about a woman who finds herself and Shane in baby supplies.
her bliss through food! - So we can get out of that motel - And fucking, I think.
and then maybe start to get a life.
- You should read it.
Move.
Come on.
I want to be a chef.
I know you do, sweetie.
I know.
- This isn't right, Nance.
- I know.
- "Eat, Pray, Love," Nance.
- I know.
I know.
I know.
I know.
Go on.
- God damn it.
- I know.
Go get the van! I'm telling you, the Cry It Out movement is cruel and anti-intuitive.
It's complete nonsense.
I think I just peed myself a little.
Have you guys been practicing your kegels? I still can't figure them out.
We went over this.
Just pretend your vagina is an elevator.
Going down? This isn't a joke, Cheryl.
You want to end up wearing one of those Whoopi Goldberg pee pads? Come sit down.
Join us for a snack.
I'd love to.
How are your kegels? They're private, Shawn.
Cheryl, Allison, won't you join us? What's going on? - Cheryl? - Shawn, we know the truth.
Truth about what? We know Avi's mother wasn't killed in the Iraq.
I called my brother-in-law at the Department of Defense.
There were no IED fatalities in Qahtaniya anywhere near the time you said Avi's mother was killed.
So, why don't you tell us the truth or we can call Child Protective Services together? Who the hell is this? Hey, guy.
Where's Andy? He told me to come here.
I put 1,000 miles on my car for nothing.
No, no, no.
I talked to him.
Where's Andy's cell phone? This is my phone.
It came to me from the sky.
- Give us the phone.
- Fuck you, beaner! It's mine! I reprogrammed it so it can make sandwiches.
You can buy it from me, but it's gonna cost you a lot Oh, my God.
Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Why did you do that? - That was close.
- Close? You killed him! No! The cat! I almost shot the cat! He just jumped out! Now we have to get rid of the body.
I almost killed an innocent kitty! Dead.
Blood.
So much blood.
Who's gonna take care of you now, Senor Gato? Mr.
Cat? Where are you, kitty? Here, kitty, kitty.
I called Andy.
This guy answered.
I didn't know what to say.
I didn't want to die.
It's a lease.
Please, don't kill me like that.
Don't kill me at all! Let me live! There is a penalty if I go over the allotted mileage.
I'll call the company, talk them out of it.
I'm good at that.
Help me carry the body.
Okay! Okay! Okay! Okay! - Here, kitty, kitty.
- Okay.
Okay.
Okay.
Here, kitty, kitty.
That looks like the good stuff.
Pure vegetable.
No particulants.
Triple-strained.
And we have a steady supply.
No more hustling fast-food joints.
What? I'm trying to figure out what that little girl's doing in there.
- She's naked.
- It's a boy.
He's trying to blow himself.
So barter? Fiona, go get the shake.
Look who's got a spring in her step.
- I make things happen.
- Yeah, with my stolen cooking oil.
With my wits.
With my moxie.
Whatever you can say about Nathalie Nancy Botwin Newman Price, wife, mother, lover, drug dealer, good or bad, I get shit done.
You two! Don't fucking move!