Big Bang Theory s06e05 Episode Script

Oh, hey, Stuart, I got you a little souvenir from my trip to space.
Well, Howard, that's very nice of you.
Yeah, maybe.
Open it first.
It's my official NASA portrait.
"To Stuart, your comic book store is out of this world.
Just like the guy in this picture was.
" For the record, he also thinks the Walgreens and the dry cleaners are out of this world.
That's not true.
At the Walgreens, I was "over the moon" for their store-brand antacids.
Hey, Stuart, I see you're getting ready for your Halloween party.
Yeah, it's my annual attempt to meet women.
Ninth time's the charm.
Would you like me to help? I do have a certain je ne sais quois when it comes to soirees.
Thanks, but I can't afford je ne sais quois.
How much for just quois? You know, you don't worry about money.
I'll take care of everything.
Really? Yeah, you'll love it.
Ain't no party like a Koothra-party.
But you know what wasn't a party? That hotel in Kazakhstan they put you up in before the launch.
I mean, it's your last night on Earth.
You'd think you'd get one porn channel.
Have you noticed that Howard can take any topic and use it to remind you that he went to space? Interesting hypothesis.
Let's apply the scientific method, perform an experiment.
Okay.
Hey, Howard, any thoughts on where we should get dinner? Anywhere but the Space Station.
On a good day, dinner was a bag full of meat loaf.
But, hey, you don't go there for the food, you go there for the view.
It's fascinating.
Let me see if I can duplicate the result.
Howard, I've always thought the lemon was an underrated fruit.
Care to weigh in? Not really.
Oh, well.
You know, people say the Soyuz capsule was a lemon.
But, hey, that baby got me to space and back.
Our whole universe was in a hot, dense state Then nearly 14 billion years ago expansion started Wait! The Earth began to cool The autotrophs began to drool, Neanderthals developed tools We built the Wall We built the pyramids Math, Science, History, unraveling the mystery That all started with a big bang Bang! Ladies night at the Cheesecake Factory.
Does it get any better than this? I hope so.
Question.
Do you think your husband's fondness for turtlenecks is an expression of longing for his missing foreskin? It's not getting any better.
Uch.
It's Leonard.
He wants to go costume shopping later.
I thought you liked Halloween.
I do, it's just he wants to go to that party at the comic book store.
A lot of the guys that hang out there are kind of creepy.
Like my husband? And my boyfriend? I'm, I'm sorry, Amy.
You were saying something about Howard's foreskin? Nice try, but you have to go to that party 'cause we're going.
Yeah, I'm gonna go.
It's just not my idea of a good time.
Leonard does thing he doesn't like to make you happy.
Yeah, he's my boyfriend.
Isn't that, like, his job? Then what's your job? Letting him make me happy.
I just think in relationships you get back what you put into them.
That's not always true.
Last night I gave Sheldon my best come-hither look, and he responded by explaining how wheat came to be cultivated.
I guess I could probably try a little harder.
You could start by taking an interest in his work.
Yeah, that's kind of a problem.
Why? Not really clear on what he does.
He's an experimental physicist.
Yeah, I'm not really clear on what that means.
He takes hypotheses and designs protocols to determine their accuracy.
Yeah, you're really just making it worse.
What kind of tea would you like? I think I'm gonna try green tea mixed with lemon zinger.
Two tea bags in one cup? You're not at a rave.
So, listen, Sheldon, I was thinking, since this is gonna be our first Halloween party as boyfriend and girlfriend, I thought it might be fun for us to go in a couples costume.
I couldn't agree more.
Really? I find that inconsistent with everything I know about you.
Oh, oh, on the contrary.
Couples costumes are one of the few benefits of being in a relationship.
Now imagine this: you and I entering Stuart's party and all eyes turn to see America's most beloved and glamorous couple.
Yeah? R2-D2 and C-3PO! Dibs on 3PO.
Sheldon, when I said couples costume, I meant like Romeo and Juliet or Cinderella and Prince Charming, not two robots from some silly movie I don't even like.
Okay! I'm gonna let that slide because I know you're hopped up on tea bags.
I make compromises for you all the time.
Just this once, can't we find something that we're both happy with? Fine.
How about one of the most beguiling and influential couples of the 20th century? Hewlett and Packard.
Dibs on Hewlett.
What, you want to be Hewlett? Anybody home? Hey-hey-hey, what are you doing here? I just thought I'd stop by and say hello.
Oh, what a nice surprise.
Oh.
I don't think you've ever seen my lab before.
No, I know.
It's long overdue.
So, what ya doing? Better not be building a robot girlfriend.
No.
Although Howard was making some real strides in that area until he met Bernadette.
You're kidding.
Nope.
Now the Lisatronic 3000 just sits in a box waiting for the phone to ring.
Ooh! What's going on in here? Oh, no, no, no, don't look in there.
What, is it secret? No, it's a nitrogen laser.
It'll cook your eyeball like a soft-boiled egg.
Oh.
You might want to put a sign on it.
Sign right there.
Ah.
"Danger," sure, sure.
Yeah.
What's, what's that? Uh, that is an integrated ion trap and time-of-flight mass spectrometer.
Wow.
High-techie-techie.
What's this little box? That is a pencil sharpener.
Ooh, low-techie-techie.
So, what are you working on right now? It's actually pretty neat.
Yeah? Yeah.
It's a front-projected holographic display combined with laser-based finger tracking.
Here, I'll show you.
We'll just put this pencil over here.
Sharp.
Thanks to the machine we saw earlier.
Very good.
And then a laser will map the reflective surface and voilà.
Wow.
That is amazing.
You know, there's a foundational idea in string theory that the whole universe may be a hologram.
What do you mean? Oh! Wow.
Uh-huh.
Well, the holographic principle suggests that what we all experience every day in three dimensions may really just be information on a surface located at the farthest reaches of our cosmos.
So it's possible that our lives are really just acting out a painting on the largest canvas in the universe.
Hmm.
What? Sometimes I forget how smart you are.
You should visit more often.
What are you doing? Take off your clothes.
What? Here? Now? Yeah.
You got a problem with that? No, no.
It's kind of crazy.
I've never fooled around in the lab before.
Really? Never? No.
I did have a shot with the Lisatronic, but the extension cord wasn't long enough.
Before I forget, I'd like your opinion on the menus I've prepared for the Halloween party.
The theme is "food that goes bump in the night.
" "Creature from the Black Forest Ham Lagoon.
" On Sesame seed Bunzillas.
"Night of the Living Garlic Bread"? It's funny because "bread" sounds like "dead".
I'm sorry, but these are just ordinary foods with the names bent into tortured puns.
The dishes themselves are in no way Halloweenie.
Ooh, Hallow-weenies! That's a good one.
They'll pair nicely with my "Draculoni and Cheese.
" How do I do it?! That reminds me, I was thinking about wearing my NASA jumpsuit as a costume.
But then I realized everyone would be, like, "Where's your costume? Why are you wearing your work clothes, you nut?" Hello, boys.
What are you smiling at? Nothing.
You know where's there's a lot of nothing.
Space.
Boy, it's nice to sleep in a bed with gravity again.
Did I tell you about the night my retainer floated out of my mouth and into the air lock? Yeah, you mentioned it once or twice.
So, here we are, just a couple of young newlyweds.
What to do? What to do to you? Astronaut Wolowitz, reporting for booty.
Preparing thrusters.
We have liftoff.
Are we clear to jettison that nightgown? Okay, we need to talk.
What? Howie, I know you went to space.
I'm incredibly proud of you.
But you might want to try and not bring it up every minute.
I don't talk about it every minute.
Tonight at dinner you went on about it for an hour straight.
What was I supposed to talk about? We were eating at Johnny Rockets.
I'm just saying, people are getting a little tired of it.
So, I did this amazing thing and I'm never allowed to mention it? Of course you can.
But maybe a good rule would be to wait for people to bring it up.
Okay, no problem.
It won't happen again.
I love you.
I love you, too.
I can't tell you how many times I dreamed I was in bed here with you when I was you know.
What, I can't even point? So, basically, this is what's called mag-lev technology.
It uses very powerful electromagnets to create a force strong enough to overcome gravity.
Here, you hold this.
Whoa! That's heavy.
Yeah.
Oh, uh, you don't have on any jewelry, do you? No.
Why? A grad student forgot to take out one of his piercings.
Now he's on a transplant list waiting for a nipple his size.
Now watch this.
Whoa! That is very cool.
Sometimes I like to turn this on and pretend I'm the super villain Magneto.
It's getting a little less cool, Leonard.
But what I really am is a very smart scientist who understands the mechanics of the universe and is wearing the sexy black underwear you bought him.
There we go.
So, I thought the photo booth for the party could either be creepy like a mummy's tomb, or they also have the Tardis from Doctor Who.
A Tardis makes no sense.
It's a time machine from a science-fiction show.
It has nothing to do with Halloween.
That being said, if you don't get a Tardis, you stink and your party stinks.
Do you have a preference? I don't care.
Get the Tardis.
Yes! This party just became a major rager.
Oh, by the way, can I borrow your bullwhip and fedora? Yeah, sure, whatever.
I was thinking of dressing up as Indiana Jones' mocha-skinned love child.
"Indian" Jones.
Clever.
What's wrong with you? Nothing.
Oh, Howard, I've got a party to plan.
Don't make me pull it out of you.
Okay, here it is.
Bernadette said you guys are all sick of me talking about my trip to space.
Is that true? No.
Yes.
We seem to have different approaches here.
I was going for helpful honesty.
I have no idea what you're doing.
It's called being nice.
Okay.
If you think being nice will get him to shut up, I'll try it.
You know what, guys? Never mind.
I just won't talk about the greatest achievement of my life ever again.
Look at that, the problem solved itself.
Hello, boys.
What if we were to go as dinner table favorites salt and pepper? You know salt makes me retain water and my cousin William was ground to death in a pepper factory accident.
How about Raggedy Ann and Andy? I loved them growing up.
No, I don't think so.
Those dolls represent three things I do not care for: clowns, children and raggediness.
I think it's a lost cause.
No.
There are certain things that say to the world, "I have a boyfriend, and he's not made up.
" Matching costumes, hickeys and sex tapes.
Pick one.
What's a hickey? How do I look? Fine.
Uh-oh, is someone a little blue? Come on, Howie, that's like the funniest thing I've ever said in my life.
What do you say? You ready to go? To tell you the truth, I'm not really in the mood.
What are you talking about? It'll be fun.
All your friends'll be there.
Yeah, some friends.
They all think I'm boring.
Maybe you should go without me.
No, if I'm there alone, people might think I'm just a really short person from Avatar.
I'm sorry.
I just don't want to go.
Hey, I just spent the last three hours coloring myself blue.
I'm gonna be washing paint out of my Smurf for a month! Fine.
Two weeks ago I was an astronaut.
Yeah, well, now you're a Smurf.
Keep walking.
Oh, my God, you guys look adorable! Thanks, so do you.
Slutty cop? No, sexy cop.
Slutty cop only came with a skirt and two badges.
And Albert Einstein? Ja, und later she's going to arrest me for goink fashter zen da shpeed of light.
I thought we said in the car, no accents? Sorry, Officer.
Hello! It's a great party! Thank you! The monster foods, they're really fun.
Oh, yes, thank you.
I like to think of fun things like that because I'm fun.
I'm not clinically depressed at all.
Sheldon, get in here! I should've picked hickey.
Hey, hey, look at you guys! I'm Raggedy Ann, and he's Raggedy C-3PO.
It was a compromise.
I lost.
Can you believe Stuart's walking around taking credit for this party? Who cares? What do you mean "who cares"? Look at what I pulled off here.
The deejay's on fire, there's a Tardis photo booth in the back room, and, oh, my God, the food! Stuart wanted Kraft Draculoni and cheese.
You're right, the party's fantastic.
Please, tell me more.
I haven't heard enough about it all week because hearing about that never gets old! Is this about the space thing again? Well, I'm not allowed to talk about it, but since you brought it up, I went to space! Space, space, space! Space, space, space! Whoa, Drinky Smurf.
Can I talk to you for a second? Great, now I'm in trouble.
You happy?! You, out! You are being very rude! No, I'm not.
They're all being rude.
And you're being rude.
Me? What did I do? "Oh, Howie "stop talking about space so much.
Nobody likes it.
" I don't sound like that.
You're my wife.
You're supposed to be on my side.
I'm always on your side.
Then why are you trying to take this away from me? Being an astronaut is the coolest thing I'm ever gonna do.
If I stop talking about it, then I'm just Just what? Just plain old Howard Wolowitz again.
Plain old Howard Wolowitz is the best guy I know.
You're just saying that.
No, I'm not.
I married him.
On purpose.
Come here.
I love you.
I love you, too.
Nothing to see here.
Just sexy police business.
Just explaining the theory of relativity.
Twice.
Hey, what you watching? I don't know.
Raj sent me some video of Buzz Aldrin.
Here you go.
It's a Milky Way.
The Milky Way's a galaxy in space.
I've been in space.
Here's a Mars bar.
I'm an astronaut.
And this one's a Moon Pie.
I walked on the Moon.
What have you done? Okay, I get it.