Last of the Summer Wine (1973) s06e05 Episode Script

COMPO YAWNS And they think black holes are only to be found in deep space! I must say, the concept of a hole in space, confuses me enormously.
But so did the instructions on me electric blanket.
And THAT works, so I suppose God knows what He's doing.
Electric blanket? Yer great Jessie! Why didn't yer put a warm brick in it, like everybody else? That's a good idea - next time you open your mouth put a warm brick in it.
I 'ad a ferret once, what could carry eggs in its mouth.
You've led a really useful life, haven't you? Aye.
'E bit the milkman.
What bit the milkman? The ferret what could carry eggs.
Practically full-time in the dairy business, wasn't it? I wonder what life's like in Nora Batty's bedroom.
Another hectic day in the struggle for existence? If yer mean the dustbins, I've seen to 'em.
Is that it? Two flamin' dustbins, and yer in for early retirement? Why do yer only equate efficiency with somebody runnin' up and down? That'll be the day, when I see somebody runnin' up and down.
No, I tell a lie - There was that time when yer sat on me hotplate.
Funny! Yes, I thought so.
It was afterwards when I remembered where yer brains were, I realised I might've shown more sympathy.
Sympathy? When've you ever shown me sympathy? You say that to me? Me, who's nursed you all these years through thick and gettin' thicker? I'm the only veteran of the Second World War who's never made love with the lights on.
Yer should've married some little idiot who was afraid of the dark.
Huh! NOW she tells me! 'Ow's it goin' then, Sid? Better for seein' you - I thought I was depressed 'till you walked in.
It's our Nora, she can't do wi' me 'angin' about doin' nowt.
I know.
I've never seen anybody more bitter against unemployment - for me.
Packin' you off on errands, is she? Aye.
Knowin' Nora, separation can't be all that bad.
It's not leavin' 'er I mind - it's me pigeons.
She sends me out on errand, it breaks me routine.
She knows I like to talk to me pigeons two hours a day.
What about? Well, what do you talk to 'em about? I'm askin'.
OTHER pigeons! Yer gotta keep 'em aware of competition.
And now she's sendin' me off to a furniture sale at auction rooms.
Lettin' 'em out again before they're cured.
'Ow do, Wal? 'Ow do, Compo? 'Ow do? That's the spirit, Wally - look on the bright side! She's sendin' me off to an auction.
Why doesn't she just divorce you, like anybody normal? That sly little Nora - I bet she's 'ouseworkin' up there, dust all round 'er wrinkled stockings.
Hey, Wal What's life like in your bedroom? I'd sooner be with me pigeons.
Will you stop making an exhibition of yourself and pay for three teas? II can't find me money.
I've got 'oles in me linin'.
It's 'oly linin's, I've got.
God, isn't it pathetic - the length some people go to, to avoid paying for three teas.
Who's payin' then? Oh look, my shoelace is undone.
Good job I spotted that - y'can come a nasty cropper tripping over.
Well, that's two down, one to go.
It's easier to pay than go through all that.
Right, it's exhaustin' goin' through my pockets.
Is that why you went through other people's in school? Me? You and Chunky Wigglesworth.
I remember Chunky Wigglesworth.
I remember Chunky Wigglesworth - He used to grab great chunks of yer trousers very carelessly.
Remember him? He was famous for sitting on people at playtime.
Aye, 'ad to get married to that lass of Postlewaite's.
Well there it is you see - start off by sitting on a few people What's 'e doin' these days? 'E's a dentist in Macclesfield.
My God! I hope he's washed his hands.
Get your great boot off my furniture! Just adjusting me shoelace, madam.
Yer stand there lettin' this lot trample over the furniture.
'E's not 'urtin' it.
And not improvin' it neither.
I gotta get t'auction rooms.
Ta-ra, Wal.
Get out! Go on, make people feel welcome.
Oh, we know 'ow champion you are at makin' folk welcome - when 'ave you ever been pleasant to a customer? I'm waitin' for one I like.
You're always rude.
Me? Yes, you.
When do I not make people welcome? What happens every time our family pays us a visit? Your family? I thought we were talkin' about people.
There you are - see what the attitude is? They all know.
They all try to be friendly.
Can't stand Eddie.
When 'e's 'ere, 'e does everything possible to make you feel at 'ome.
I AM AT 'OME! Cheeky beggar.
Oh, y'know what I mean.
Eddie's always cheerful, famous in the family for bein' funny.
So 'ow come 'is wife's gone grey? I feel sorry for that little woman.
Oh we know you feel sorry for her.
I caught yer last Christmas feelin' sorry with 'er in the cupboard! We were lookin' for roller skates, I wanted to show 'er me old skates.
SMASHING Wait! Before we do anythin', I gotta call at my place for summat.
If we're going walking, let's go - why call at your place? I need a clean 'andkerchief.
Ever since I've known you, you've needed a clean handkerchief.
See? What did I tell thee! What's he up to? Well, there's only one way to find out.
You can't believe a word that he says.
There's one word he says that I tend to believe.
There was no need for him to use that word - I didn't intend to catch his shin with me stick.
You expect anybody that scruffy to be impervious to pain - it's clean people you expect to be sensitive.
He's got a cheek complaining about my use of the walking stick.
There's nobody more capable on the stick than an ex-drill instructor.
Oh! I beg your pardon! It's the wasps, y'know.
Sex maniac! Nearly ready! Nearly ready for what? Ta-da! Valentino lives! Aw! I only changed me jacket.
I'm still trying to work out what it is you've changed it for.
It's a blazer.
Does it light up in the dark? Not too flash, is it? Heavens no! Whatever gave you that idea? I knew you'd start bein' comical.
If anyone's dressed for comical.
You're the one that's always complainin' about me not gettin' dressed up.
So, let that be a lesson to you.
All right, all right - I'll take it off.
Oh there's no need, not for us.
Sure? Well, yes Well, I'm pretty certain I'm sure.
Couldn't y'just cover it up with something? Like six feet of earth.
I mean, like a raincoat.
I ain't got one.
He'll lend you his.
I'll lend you mine.
You don't like it, do yer? Tell him.
You tell him.
I'm askin' both of yer.
Wellerit's different.
Look me in the eye and tell me the truth.
The truth? It's terrible.
Well, not exactly terrible.
What then? Wellalmost terrible.
Well, if he had the right trousers and if it fit him better round here A gusset in the back? Stop maulin' me! Better already.
Just shorten the arms a bit and you'd lookyou'd look terrible! I want to know what he's up to - what's going on in that tiny mind? Whatever it is, it's covered with solid brilliantine.
Smells like a gipsy violinist.
I just wanted to do meself up a bit.
You don't have to go mad - why not start gently with yer trouser zip? It's done up.
I thought your zip had gone.
It has, I'm usin' a safety pin! I think that's the bravest thing I've ever heard.
Thank you, Norman.
But what's it all in aid of? I just want me photo took.
Vain little thing! You had it taken at school.
This may be worth encouraging, perhaps he wants a passport photo.
Perhaps he'll apply for a passport and leave us all for a while.
What do I want a passport for? I'm not going anywhere.
You could at least think about it.
You might like foreign travel - you could go ferreting in Mongolia.
But I'd 'ave to learn the language.
Well, if you can't speak ferret now, yer never will.
What's he looking for? Oh.
.
happiness, good fortune - especially with his saftey pin.
I'm lookin' for me camera.
The trouble with you is, you don't search in a methodical manner.
I don't lose things in a methodical manner.
Wading in, scattering bits everywhere, same as at meal times.
I got a little Instamatic 'ere.
Yes, well we know all about that - but, at the moment, thank God, it's secure behind a saftey pin.
'Ere it is, come on, let's go.
Where to? Next door.
Isn't that Nora Batty's? That's right.
Well you didn't think I wanted me photo took in 'ere? I mean look at it! It's disgraceful.
I've always 'ad this terrible desire to 'ave me photo took in Nora Batty's.
Who's goin' to work the camera? You know I'd like to, but if it's got more than two moving parts, I'll only get me finger fast.
All yer gotta do is press this 'ere.
That's what they told me on me wedding night.
I never did get the hang of it.
Oh, give it to me.
We might only get one shot, don't want no fluffin'.
I can operate a simple camera! I was trained on the Bren gun.
That's a professional trigger finger.
Aye! An' 'ere's two more to go with it! I'm standing here talking to your wellie.
And my advice is, don't disturb Nora.
She's all alone.
She's been designed that way.
It'll make 'er day! I bring a little colour into 'er life! Yer will in that blazer.
Yer like an overdressed zebra.
Ooops! Hey up, Nora! It's only me, come to put an end to your loneliness.
This is romance knockin' on your door.
Get away! I don't want no advances from people in funny trousers.
It's only me! Get off me steps! We're all right - she's in a good mood.
She's what? I can read 'er like a book.
My God! It's not something I'd want to read in bed.
Don't stand down there you two, come up 'ere - we'll all press the bell together.
Who's he talking to? Can't be talking to us d'you think? Who is he anyway? Never seen him before.
I never get any 'elp from you two.
I'll be back, Nora.
You're weird! Yer can't kid me! I know you've got a lot of passion inside that pinny.
By heck! She's like Margaret Lockwood! It's just like 'avin' yer own Wicked Lady livin' next door.
Ohsorry.
You two weren't much 'elp.
He's very steady under fire.
I tell yer, she's not in a bad mood.
It looked like a bad mood to me.
For Nora, that's a good day! She came at you with a mop.
Precisely.
Very precisely.
Which I could soon teach you to sidestep - it's one of the elementary moves in Basic Bayonet.
I know 'ow to sidestep.
Then why didn't you? 'Ave you never 'eard of sexual foreplay? You mean all that stuff she was doing with the mop was a sort of courtship dance? Of course it is! Isn't nature wonderful? For all the world you might've thought she was trying to flatten you.
I know what she's doin'.
Are you saying she's encouraging you? 'Course she is, the darlin'.
Rubbish! Listen, Noddy! When it comes to ferrets and women, I know 'ow to 'andle them.
I just hope you never get them confusedthe thought of Nora Batty let loose down a rabbit hole Norm, listen, when she's usin' 'er mop, she's just playin'.
It's just when I go too far, she belts me with the yard brush.
His love life is pure poetry.
Why d'you bother? Yer mean yer don't know? When you look at that woman, she doesn't send your pulse racin'? Only for cover.
She frightens me and I've tackled the Goering Division.
Yer should see 'er by moonlight, comin' back from bingo.
She always gets dolled up for bingo, most women do.
I'd be quite 'appy to be the plaything for a bunch of bingo lovers.
Watch that camera.
I am watching the camera - good God, man, I'm not a novice when it comes to precision instruments.
Oh, you dozy great prong! Did you feel it? Did you feel that earth tremour? It went right under my boots.
A sort of quiver.
It may be that I'm quicker to feel these things than a civilian.
I didn't just drop it - no, it was decision time.
I needed to have my hands free to save you from the earthquake.
What earthquake? Ah, fortunately, it didn't develop.
Which sounds a fairly accurate diagnosis of this camera.
Oh give it to me, it'll be all rightthey always rattle a bit, it'll be all right.
Very good for a camera - wallop! A prawn bouncin' it on the floor.
We'll find out by taking a photo.
No, I've already had one taken.
There's not much film left.
Taken on me wedding day.
We ought to try it, 'specially as I took the trouble to drop it safely away from the earthquake.
I'll try the camera.
They photographed me with me wife and then with the bridesmaids, the rest of the day was boring too.
Where's he gone now? Where are you going now? Next door.
Why are you going there again? I'm goin' to 'ave me photo took - in Nora's bedroom! I think he means it! I do mean it! But that's ridiculous! That's what they said about climbin' Mount Everest.
He's right y'know - it must be one of the few unexplored places left.
See, Norman understands.
It's a sort of ambition, to 'ave this photo to 'and round the pub.
An' say, hey, that's me in Nora's bedroom.
But she'll never let you near! I know it's not goin'to be easy.
But I just want to be able to crack this one spectacular achievement.
It makes you proud to be English - you'll stick a Union Jack on her? I know I've not done much with me life - except enjoy it.
I mean, when 'ave I ever got down to something that makes people gasp and nudge each other? Well, there was her who used to drive the dumper for McAlpines.
Oh 'er! Nono, me mind's made up - I'm goin' to 'ave me photo took.
Then we shan't stand in your way.
No, no.
Great! That's what friends are for.
Right, definitely.
'Course I shall need some 'elp.
And I was gCOME BACK 'ERE! Yer rotten devils! Norm, Norm! 'Ang on a minute! We don't wish to be rude, stranger but Personally, I've no objection to being rude.
All we need is What's this "we"? .
.
is to knock on Nora's door.
That's a damn reckless thing to suggest to anybody, knocking on Nora Batty's door.
All we need is a reasonable story for gettin' in the 'ouse.
What kind of story will get us into the house? Well, we know Wally isn't at 'ome, so, we'll say we've come to see Wally.
She'll say 'e's not in, so we'll say, "Thank you, we'll wait.
" Get off me steps! You heard, she said, "Get off me steps!" She always does.
Take off yer dozy lot! No, I tell a lie - sometimes she says, "Take off yer dozy lot!" Come on.
Go on, ring the bell.
He means you.
Oh no, I saw him, he was talking to you.
Go on.
I hate messing about with anything electrical.
Listen, I've got the 'ard bit - I've gotta get into Nora's bedroom.
True, compared to that risk, what can possibly happen to me? Get off me steps! Tormentin' a respectable married woman! Urrgh! I see tha stockings are wrinkled.
There 'e goes again! Talkin' legs - he's always talkin' legs! I think 'e's sick.
I'm sick of them stockings - that is no way to treat Margaret Lockwood's legs.
Something always goes wrong when I touch anything electrical.
I wouldn't mind but I was raising me cap at the time.
You feel such a fool raising yer cap to a yard brush.
I 'ope this thing still works.
It doesn't matter really, she's not going to let you over her doorstep, let alone her bedroom.
Whose bedroom? Nora Batty's.
Whatever for? You might well ask! It's just a challenge.
You mean like the last war? Well, like some of the bad bits of it anyway.
It's just an ambition.
What's up wi' you then? It's that bit o' furniture I bought at the auction room.
I tried to shift it on me own, but I couldn't move it very far.
How far? Just off me foot.
What I really need is someone to give me 'elp to carry it.
Exactly what is this furniture? A wardrobe for our Nora's bedroom.
And you don't mind smuggling him into your wife's bedroom? What kind of world is it coming to if a fella can't do a little favour for 'is mates? Very tolerant.
'E's 'elpin' t'carry wardrobe.
Yes, but will be be able to carry it with him inside? 'Course tha will.
Three great hulkin' blokes likeer Well, two great hulkin' blokes likeer - of course yer will! There's only one way to find out.
Just remember which way up tha's carryin' me.
Just lie down.
Make a noise like a coat hanger.
Y'know, there's something very satisfying about locking him in a dark, confined place.
Why didn't we think of it before? Well, what about the danger of not being able to breathe? Oh, are you worried about that? Aren't you? Not really.
No, it might make us puff and pant a bit, carrying him up the hill, but we'll still be able to breathe.
I meant HIM! Oh, him.
Think HE'LL be able to breathe? I don't doubt it, he'll do anything for spite.
Can yer breathe? 'Course I can.
Stop putting ideas in his head - take your end.
'E's goin' to be 'eavy.
Yes, you're probably right I think a little lubrication is indicated.
Right, ready when you are.
Well, come on then! What's 'appenin'? What're yer doin' up there? 'Oldin' a meetin'? All together now! Come on! Where are yer? It's about time! Get in step! Yer gotta get the rhythm! Oh, dear! Thanks for the lift, Albert.
Yer welcome.
I tell yer, I'm pig sick of bein' in 'ere.
What are yer doin'? Careful! I'm all of a 'eap! I've even got me wellies in me mouth.
We're nearly there.
About time! Turn your end round.
Y'don't think I'm 'avin' THAT in me 'ouse do yer? But Nora! Take it back to the auction room! Can't we just put it inside? Not in my 'ouse! Stop pushin'! Take it down them stairs! Bloody 'ell! Who said that? I did.
I did.
I did.
Go on! Get out of it! Yer bloody great.
I don't know what the world's coming to.
You never used to hear language like that in a wardrobe.
What did 'e say? I think he's trying to tell us he's finished with photography.
Come in.