Married with Children s06e05 Episode Script

Hear ye, hear ye.
I am now officially opening the weekly Bundy baby meeting which we all look forward to so much.
Dinner time! Just kidding.
I love you, Peg.
Just kidding.
That was your Daddy.
I know he doesn't sound like much, but he brings in the big bucks.
Now we shall begin with the traditional salutation.
- Hail, baby.
- Hail, baby.
The baby is not fooled.
- Hail, baby! - Hail, baby! Good.
Very good.
The secretary can read the minutes from our last baby meeting.
You must forgive Kel, Mom.
But she might just come to life if you say: - "I just got paid and I wanna get" - That's enough.
Now, Bud, I am promoting you to temporary secretary.
You may read your sister's minutes.
I'm truly honoured.
Hail, baby.
"I can no longer write down the insane bellowing of what used to be my mother.
This baby is a curse to us all.
Wait, I am supposed to rise and give a 'Hail, baby.
' There, I've done it.
I feel cheaper than I've ever felt, and that's saying something.
" Hail, baby.
I will now read the minutes.
Hail, baby? You will say 10 "Hail, babys" in the privacy of your own room.
And now we will hear from the treasurer.
According to my research, it takes $780,000 to raise a baby from birth through college.
Thankfully, since I sold a shoe last week I am proud to announce that we're now just short $780,000.
Thank you very much.
Hail, baby.
You'll never guess where we went.
To a store called the Sharper Infant.
Everything for the upwardly mobile baby.
Their motto is: "Don't believe the father you really can afford it.
" That's right.
Nothing's too good for your children.
Well, I didn't mean you two.
I will be so happy when this kid is older than we are.
Then maybe we'll get some attention.
Al, we're gonna talk.
So could you go sit next to Jefferson or the dog or something? Hey, this is my house.
I sit where I want to.
Look at the catalogue.
Nursing bras.
And they're sexy! I'm gonna sit over there now.
Hey, Buck, any room for me over there, boy? Please don't, I just ate.
You should've seen this place.
Nothing but "pregnoids.
" It's been six months since I've seen a woman with a waist.
Yeah.
Women are never sexier than when they're pregnant.
- You know what I'd do as president? - What? I'd get me a big empty state no one's using you know, a state like Idaho.
Then I'd get every pregnant woman in the country I'd stick them into a doughnut truck and I'd convoy them to Boise.
Since nobody cares anything about Idaho I'd change the name to "Pregnaho.
" He must be talking about his Idaho plan again.
Oh, Marcie, there's so many things I want.
I mean, look at this baby bedroom set.
I've just gotta have this.
Oh, Peggy, that's $10,000.
Do you think Al can afford it? Well, what's it to me? - Let's go get one.
- Well, actually I'm not buying new furniture for the baby.
My daughter will inherit all the precious heirlooms that were passed on to me.
Including a beautiful baby desk in hot pink with a ruffle.
Well, what if your baby's a boy? Then let his father get him something.
Oh, my desk.
I used to have this little tea service.
And at my desk I would hold teas for all my imaginary friends.
There was Jennifer, the most popular girl in the school.
Well, she would never really be my friend, but at my desk she'd drink four or five cups of my tea.
She'd have to.
I'd make her.
Then there was Robert, the cutest guy in the school.
Normally he'd just throw his milk in my face, but not at my desk.
Oh, I could see him now.
Kissing my 4-year-old feet.
Lick them, baby.
Lick them, lick them like a dog.
Oh, the times I would have at my little desk with my little chair and my little potty where I'd shove imaginary Jennifer's face every day.
Yeah, new stuff is fine but how can you put a price tag on memories like those? Well, I see since your pregnancy you've stopped taking your little pills, haven't you? - So now we got Pregnaho.
- Yeah.
And we got "PMSachusetts.
" But where we live is called "Breast Virginia.
" That's mean, Al.
She's got you shaking like a Frenchman in a thunderstorm.
Oh, yeah? Yeah, well, last month I stopped paying for her storage unit took the money and went to the track.
Does that sound like a man afraid of his wife? Jefferson, can I have the keys to the storage unit? Watch me con my way out of this one.
What storage unit? The storage unit where I keep my precious, irreplaceable baby furniture.
Good night, sweet prince.
Can I have the keys? I want to show Peggy.
I love you so very deeply.
What have you done to my baby furniture which means more to me than five of you? And you didn't want them to come over.
I was wrong.
You let them auction off my baby furniture? My memories? My life? And there's the windup and the pitch.
That's out of the park.
Now.
I am going to go and get my furniture back.
I want you to remain on the floor and think about what you've done.
Peggy and I are gonna go to the storage company and get a list of people who bought my heirlooms.
- Well, why me? - Because when I get back I want to strip him of every ounce of human dignity.
And only you can teach me how.
Yeah, she's the best.
She debased me.
You're making me blush.
You know, it's true.
When we were married, he was so cute.
He demanded three meals a day, clean clothes, and pillows.
It took me three long days.
But, baby, look at him now.
You can get up now, Jefferson.
She told me not to.
Hear ye, hear ye.
I call the third weekly Bundy anti-baby meeting to order.
If we may begin, we should don our ceremonial hats.
Set sail, baby.
Now we may begin.
The secretary may read the minutes from our last meeting.
"After feeding Mom into a doughnut coma and setting pudding traps, should she awaken we officially booed the baby and began the meeting.
Dad, my Daddy once again wept with shame at his involvement in the pregnancy.
" I tell you, I didn't know what hit me.
"And then Daddy said, 'I tell you, I didn't know what hit me.
' Bud, my brother, recited from the Bible, quoting the story of Moses.
He suggested we place the baby in a basket with a couple of quarters and a blanket and float it down the Ohio River, verily, to Cleveland.
" Set sail, baby.
"Then we had a two-to-one vote to replace our Mom with a huge-hootered Oriental woman who had no vocal chords, no uterus but can fry a steak like a Texan.
Then Mommy woke up and wanted to know what we were laughing at.
We said, 'Bud.
' He trolled up the stairs in a little huff and the three of us laughed at him until dawn.
That was the beginning of our anti-Bud meeting.
" - Hey.
- Now, now, Bud.
Hold on.
She's only kidding you.
Only kidding.
Sit down.
What's wrong with you? Don't you know how he feels? All right, now, let's get on with the new business.
Has anyone come up with a new name for the baby? Shark Bait.
Hemlock.
Piscopo.
- That's a low blow.
- Dad, that's really mean.
I'd like some water.
Why don't you get it yourself? Marcie told me not to move.
Now, kids, I want you to take a good look over there and you tell me what that teaches you.
- Nothing.
- No.
It is that this is the thing can happen if you let pregnasaurs rule the earth.
Now, we've got one in our very home.
Are we going to let our own great red pregzilla do this to us? No.
Are they going to find us with our legs up in the air? Well, I can't speak for Kelly, but they won't find me like that.
Yeah, right.
Like I've never seen you like that before whenever Pebbles Flintstone wears a leopard mini-dress.
Now, now, hold it, now! Now, kids, we're not out here to attack each other.
We're here to attack the baby.
- All right, I'm sorry.
- I'm sorry.
Look, it's my blanket.
Mr.
Edwin Johansson? Indeed.
Sir, I understand that you recently attended an auction where you purchased my old baby blanket which was knitted by my Gamma Judy.
Which I used to comfort myself and to suffocate my imaginary friend Jennifer.
I can see that it means a great deal to you by the way that it houses your collection of broken glass and mucous.
But I must have it back at any price.
A hundred grand.
How about a chop to the Adam's apple? Easy, Marcie.
Let me handle this.
Now look, Al.
I mean, Edwin.
I wonder how I could've made a mistake like that.
I have here a gift certificate for a free pair of women's shoes.
I dared to dream it and now it comes true.
Peggy, I feel guilty.
I can't have you spend your coupons on me.
Oh, Marcie.
Don't worry about it.
I've got thousands of these.
I steal them out of the cash register when Al's not looking.
So, what do you say, Edwin? Make it five $500 worth of shoes and we've got a deal.
Five hundred dollars? Oh, Marcie, I give away more than that at Halloween.
Kids just love them.
Give me this blanket.
Tell me, sir how has society turned its back on you? The plant close down? The farm went under? What? Can I help you get a job? I already have a job.
School teacher.
Demand 340.
- And what else do we want? - Love and affection.
No.
We said it had to be something we all wanted.
I know, how about clean clothes? - Yes.
- Yes.
Where does it say because a woman is pregnant she can't take 18 years worth of socks dump them in a machine and push a button? We're being had, I tell you.
And who says she can't get the wasps off the roof? Right.
If there were pies up there, you'd have to get a gun and shoot her down.
I want clean, dry sheets.
Well, you know, because it gets humid in my room.
Yes, dancing with a rubber woman can make any room a jungle.
Look at him.
He's probably thinking up ways to make it up to Marcie.
Yeah.
It is kind of sweet when you think about it.
Play it again, Magic Balladeer.
- I'm Topsy.
- I'm Mopsy.
- We're twins.
We're your biggest fans.
- We're twins.
We're your biggest fans.
What a crummy fantasy.
Yeah, I know, but my wife's mad at me.
It's hard to concentrate.
Hey, here's a little something I know you girls have been wanting to ask me.
Do you wanna dance Under the moonlight? I know.
I know.
He must be in great pain.
Okay, so we're agreed.
We show this list to your mother and we hold firm to our demands.
Rights of the born.
Can I get a "Whoa, born"? Whoa, born! Oh, I think you know what you have to do for backstage passes.
I can't stand to see him torturing himself like this.
Let's throw him out in the street.
- Mrs.
Garcia? - Yes.
You'll be glad to know that this is the last stop on an arduous journey to recover the lost furniture of my childhood.
What? My desk.
My little desk.
Do you mind? While my friend is paddling down the river of insanity perhaps we could talk.
Chicken.
May I? Oh, please do.
We keep it out for intruders.
Anyway, it's about this desk.
You see, my friend would really like to buy it.
It means a lot to her.
And over here is where imaginary Jennifer would sit.
I bet she'd like some nice, scalding tea in her face.
- What do you think, Jorge? - Mom.
Anyway, we don't have any money.
But we have a $1000 worth of shoe coupons.
You see, in this country my husband is a very powerful man.
He's a shoe salesman.
Really? In my country, shoe salesmen are laughed at by beggars and the feeble.
Our countries are very much alike.
Do we have a deal? Well, I am very touched by your offer and by your friend's insanity but to my family, this desk is a symbol of America.
It is the very first thing that we bought in this country.
And we wanted to pass it down to generation and generation in our family as a symbol of hope and freedom.
For, although we are not Americans, our children can be.
All that highfalutin talk about hope and freedom sure didn't last through the threat of calling Immigration.
You're a mighty sick woman, Marcie.
Well, maybe so, maybe so.
But I'm a sick woman with a desk.
Where's Jefferson? He's out in the backyard singing "Tiny Bubbles" to Buck but that's not important.
Me and the kids have something to say to you and all pregnoids like you.
Tell them, kids.
What? - We love you, Mommy.
- We love you, Mommy.
You should've heard the things Dad was saying about you and the baby.
Yeah.
He was gonna make you do the laundry.
Yeah.
He made us wear these hats.
That's untrue.
That's untrue.
Well, I handled my husband.
What are you gonna do? Al, what are you doing in my fantasy? I don't know.
Last thing I remember a frying pan bounced off my head.
But don't mind me I'm on my way to my own fantasy.
Girls there's a Porsche in my fantasy.
Hey.