Mike & Molly s06e05 Episode Script

So, when are the girls coming back? Not for another half hour.
They did the hot yoga today? No, that's on Wednesdays.
Today is Vinyasa yoga.
It's less about sweat and more about the flow of movement.
It's the key to everything.
You got to keep moving.
Ain't that the truth? You're back early.
Something awful happened.
Hey, don't feel bad.
They shouldn't have you bending and squatting in a room that quiet.
No.
Our instructor died.
Seriously? Right in the middle of class.
Kara was teaching us Tree Pose when she went down like a redwood.
As she was falling, some clown in the back of the room yelled out, "Timber"" I didn't know she was dead, all right? I just still can't believe it.
I've been taking her class for ten years.
That's terrible.
Well, was she an older broad? She was three years younger than me.
Eh.
Too young.
Way too young.
Gah, it's crazy.
I mean, she-she was a vegan, worked out every day, didn't smoke, didn't drink Didn't shave.
Let's just say her final Tree Pose had a couple of nests in it.
So, uh, how you doing? And if it helps, I-I thought "timber" was funny.
Thank you.
It just makes you realize that you got to make every moment count.
You have to really appreciate the people you love in this world.
Yeah.
So, you want to go upstairs? Ew, no, Mike! Okay, I misread the signal.
Namaste.
La, la-ba-dee-da La, la-ba-dee-da For the first time in my life I see love I see love For the first time in my life I see love Boy, I just can't get over what happened yesterday.
I know, neither can I.
And the more I think about it, the more I have to wonder shouldn't that yoga studio give us a refund for that class? Victoria, the woman just died.
So, I should call in a few days? Well, that's what I'm doing.
Hey.
How'd you sleep? I didn't.
Here.
Stickers? Yeah.
You each have your own color.
I want you both to go through the house and mark anything you want after I die.
What? Look, it's the best way to divide my stuff up, and that way you can kickback, relax, and enjoy the funeral I planned.
There's gonna be a calypso band.
Okay, we're not doing this.
Well, why not? Because no one is dying.
You're perfectly healthy, Mom.
Yeah, so was Kara, and she went downward-facing dead, right in front of us.
Eight minutes into a $30 class.
Come on, it'll be a fun game.
I'll set the timer for 20 minutes, and you each get one steal.
No.
Victoria and I are not picking through your things like a couple of vultures.
Are earrings one sticker or two? Two, they should be two.
Apparently this woman ate healthy, she exercised, and it still didn't do a damn bit of good.
I mean, there has got to be a lesson in there somewhere.
I'll have an apple fritter.
Uh, no, he will not.
Yes, I will.
Not on my watch.
Then close your eyes.
All right, Samuel, bring him his deep-fried death warrant.
That warrant was signed long before I got here.
I can't believe you.
Every time some health nut dies, you take it as a starter pistol to stuff your face.
Have you not heard a word I said? When your number is up, your number is up, and I am not going to go hungry into that good night.
So, it's all luck? Diet and exercise have nothing to do with it? You remember my old, Greek landlady, Mrs.
Something-dopo-dopolous, okay? She lived to be 103, okay? The only time she took her cigarette out of her mouth was to take a swig of ouzo.
Yeah, but look what it did to her.
Her face looked like a Fruit Roll-Up with a mustache.
The point is, okay, she lived life on her terms.
Died with a smile on her face, and a cigarette in her throat hole.
Come on, don't do it, Mike.
You know in your gut that it's wrong.
Are you kidding? My gut's been planning this for weeks.
Well, just know that every fritter that you eat, that's gonna be less time with your beautiful wife and your future children.
Tell us about our daddy, Uncle Carl.
Did he love us? Oh, yes, child.
Almost as much as he loved fritters.
Well, why do all my unborn children sound like Michael Jackson? 'Cause you weren't around to raise them right.
Yeah, they had to rely on the numerous lovers that Molly took in her grief after your death.
One apple fritter, served without judgment or liability.
All right, but I'm gonna spend those extra years making your life miserable.
You won't regret it.
Although you would have died happy Ah! Hey, who's banging around down here? Me.
You finally making that still you've been threatening to build? No, I'm trying to get into this damn thing.
Well, don't you have a key? Yeah.
I just thought it would be more fun to spend 20 minutes trying to open it with a freaking hammer.
All right, don't sass me.
Give me the hammer.
What's in here, anyway? Ugh, who can remember? Old savings bonds? Insurance policy? It's just one stupid piece of the jigsaw puzzle that is my life.
Well, you don't have to sort through all this stuff now.
Yes, I do.
You have no idea how hard things are gonna be when I'm gone.
I got to be honest.
Things aren't that easy when you're here.
I was completely blindsided when your father died.
Gah, I had to plan a funeral, figure out bank accounts, bills, all while balling my eyes out.
I don't want you girls to have to go through all that.
Okay.
So, it's decided.
You'll live forever.
I'll see what I can do.
All right, let's crack this clam open.
See what kind of legacy you're leaving us.
Oh.
Hey.
Oh, Polaroids? Ugh.
Boy, your father sure knew how to frame a shot.
Boy, it feels weird being in a lawyer's office without a bottle of clean urine in my purse.
Yeah, if you're gonna keep those in the fridge, could you please label them? Just so you know, once we finish with the will, there's just a few loose ends we got to tie up.
Power of attorney, end of life issues.
Mainly, which one of you is gonna pull the plug.
Mom, neither one of us is gonna pull the plug I'll do it.
Victoria.
Nobody is going to pull the plug.
She's our mother, not your curling iron.
I guess just working with the dead makes me more comfortable with, like, getting them there.
Mama's little Kevorkian.
So, that's settled, you'll kill Mom? But we should come up with a safe word, so I know when to do it.
If I'm saying words, don't do it.
And, Molly, before we go in there, there's something I want you to have, and I don't want an argument.
I told you I didn't want to do this when Oh, ooh! Grandma's ring! You two always had a special bond, Ah and I know she'd want you to have it.
Oh, I don't know what to say.
Just say you'll keep it.
Of course, forever.
Thank you.
Oh, and Victoria, you're getting the house.
Okay.
What? What do you think happens when we die? It's fourth and goal.
Can this wait? You know what, remind me to never be vulnerable in front of you again.
All right, fine.
What's bothering you, princess? Do you believe in heaven? I believe that there's a quiet, peaceful place that we all go, and today I was hoping that was the living room.
Sorry.
It's just that last night in bed, Joyce told me she didn't believe.
Threw me for a loop.
Could have knocked me over with the feather we were using.
You know when you tell me these things, I can't look at Joyce for three days, right? It's not like I'm a religious man.
I'm just saying, why not pretend to believe, just in case? Hedge your bets.
Well, don't you think that God knows if you're full of crap? I don't know, I think he would appreciate that I got a system.
Well, I guess when I think about it, I mean, I do rub the Buddha's belly when I leave a Chinese restaurant.
I even tried on a yarmulke once at a flea market.
Not a good look on me.
I need a hat with a bill.
Hello.
Victoria.
Hey.
Joyce.
Guess who Mom's leaving the house to, and I'll give you a hint.
I'm getting a stupid ring! Listen, I don't have to justify my decision to you.
Because you can't; it's lunacy.
Wait a minute, what does she have on you? I don't know what I have on her, but I know what I'm getting from her.
Yeah? Meet me in the driveway.
I got something for you, too.
Hey, hey, hey, stop fighting.
Look, it's my decision, so deal with it.
Come on, Mom, let's go to the kitchen.
Let her cool off.
Just so that there's no confusion, are the appliances coming with the house? Yeah, it comes with the driveway, too.
I'll meet you there in ten minutes! Now's probably not the time, but I thought I was getting that ring.
What? Whoa! No, no, no, no.
All right, come on, don't If this is my mom's way of making me pull that plug, I'm gonna yank that cord like I'm starting a lawn mower.
Well, maybe your mom figured that, you know, since we're getting my mom's house, you don't need two.
She knows I'm never gonna live in that hell hole.
Hey, that was my childhood home.
I got a lot of good memories there.
Name one.
All right, you made your point.
It just doesn't make any sense.
I was always the good daughter.
I mean, I was home by curfew.
I got straight A's.
I was captain of the color guard.
You don't still have that uniform, do you? It was-it was itchy wool pants and a poncho.
What color was the poncho? Ick.
I don't know.
I mean, Victoria was always way worse than I was.
I mean, she was out all night, crazy boyfriends, drugs.
One time a guy crawling out of her window bumped into a guy crawling in.
They-they got in a fistfight right there on the roof.
Look, I get what you're saying about your mom.
It doesn't make any sense.
It's almost like she's rewarding Victoria for being a screw-up.
Oh my Ow.
Yes.
That's it.
That's it! That is exactly why my mom is giving the house to Victoria.
Oh, she's a screw-up.
Oh, my You know, my mom knows that she might not be there to bail her out, but at least Ding-Dong will have a place to live.
Yeah.
You think? What else could it be? I mean, look at me.
I'm a smart, strong, independent woman.
I mean, I've kind of got it all together.
So, her giving Victoria the house is her way of saying that you're a better person? Hey, I didn't say that.
Mom did.
All right, come on, don't All right.
Okay.
I never really thought I liked karaoke, but I am really good at it.
Okay, that wasn't karaoke.
That was you, a jukebox, and a bar full of angry people.
Oh, hello.
Hello.
Good night.
Good night.
Good night.
I just want you to know Oh, boy.
that I'm okay with Mom's decision.
Well, thank you.
So am I.
Because I get it now, and it's not your fault that you're the "screw-up"" Excuse me? I mean, I was, I think, a tough act to follow.
You know, and that couldn't have been easy, and maybe that's why you're easy.
Easy like Sunday morning.
Okay, okay, okay, all right.
Okay, my little songbird, let's go.
Up here.
I just wanted to tell her, I know why Mom did what she did.
Okay.
And why is that? Don't make me say it.
All right, I'm gonna say it.
Oh, God.
Because I'm the good daughter, and you're the mess.
Mm.
I see.
So I'm the screw-up? Only in Mom's eyes.
You know, it's just a little confusing because I'm not the daughter who quit her job.
Or has a mountain of credit card debt because of a shopping addiction.
Are you listening to this? I lived it.
And you know what, Mol, for your information, all my credit cards are paid off, and I have enough money to put a down payment on any house in this neighborhood, even if I wasn't already getting one.
And, at the moment, I am sober and you're the mess.
Hold on.
Hold on a minute.
Are you saying you don't have any credit card debt, like, any? Never have, never will.
So, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go upstairs and see how my stocks did today.
Do we have any stocks? Aw.
Oh, what are you doing down here? I thought you'd be sleeping it off.
I did.
It's almost noon.
Oh, I guess I was sleeping it off, too.
Oh, just a heads up, there's another bin of Polaroids over there somewhere.
I think it's labeled "Mom's Box.
" Oh, you know what, actually, I was looking for this.
Oh.
My old Underwood.
Oh, boy, I hauled this thing all over the globe when I was pushing peanuts for Pan Am.
You know, I saved all those letters you wrote to us.
Ironically, they're also in something labeled "Mom's Box"" I'm gonna let the grandkids sort that out.
You had a very unique way of describing the world.
I think those letters are probably part of the reason I wanted to become a writer.
You never told me that.
Yeah.
Look, about the house, I-I get it, I-I know why you're not giving it to me.
You do? Yeah, because I'm the screw-up, and Victoria's the together one, and she's gonna take better care of the house than I would.
No, she's not.
She's gonna sell it before I'm cold in the ground.
Well, wait a minute, if you know that, then why are you giving it to her? Is this 'cause she has stocks? I'm giving it to her, so you'll have no choice but to get the hell out.
You want me to leave? Of course, I do.
I want you to spread your wings, see the world, live your life but not until mine's over.
'Cause I can't imagine this house without you.
That is the sweetest, and and most dysfunctional thing you've ever said to me.
Thanks.
Boy, I thought Mike and his mom had a messed up relationship.
Yeah, but they let it all out.
We keep ours hidden, like civilized people.
Yeah.
Okay, say you lose a limb, you think it's waiting for you up in heaven? Yeah, I'm sure they got a whole basket of them.
Need a leg, take a leg.
What about this, say I die, Molly remarries, now who gets her up there, me or the squirrely bastard who moved in on my grieving widow? Oh, I never even thought about that.
My first wife Bunny's gonna be up there.
Joyce sees her, she'll rip the halo right off her head.
If she's not already with Molly's dad.
It's been 30 years.
He's got to have another broad up there by now.
I mean, he's in heaven, he's not dead.
I guess we'll just have to prepare for anything.
Well, if I go first, I'll try to send you a sign, give you the lay of the land.
Like haunt me? No, like a a yellow butterfly landing on your nose.
Wh-what is that gonna tell me? That I'm still here with you.
Yeah, whatever.
You be a ladybug.
I-I like ladybugs.
I'm not being a ladybug.
It's an eagle or nothing.
Okay.