Rules of Engagement s06e05 Episode Script

So, Russell, what is the latest with you and Liz? One day you're into it, the next you want a divorce.
It's been a real roller-coaster of who-gives-a-crap.
Listen, I think I can make this marriage work.
I mean, I can't keep chasing teenagers forever.
In five or ten years, it might start to look pathetic.
Yes, only time will tell.
I'm gonna leave Audrey a voicemail.
How do you know she won't pick up? Oh, I can't tell you that.
It's a guy secret.
I already know how to pee in the kitchen sink.
You know what, just tell her.
I mean, she eats like a horse, and, uh, she always wants to do it.
She's the closest thing to a guy that relationship's got.
All right.
There's this phone app called shy-dial.
Shy-dial! Which will automatically send your calls to the other person's voicemail.
Your phone never even rings.
I get credit for calling Audrey without having to talk to her.
You actually go out of your way to avoid a conversation with your spouse? Well, that's not new.
But now technology has finally caught up with me.
Oh, hey, Audrey, went to voicemail again.
I know you wanted to discuss paint colors for the baby's room, which I was really looking forward to.
Um Argh! Frustrating! - Shy-dial.
- Shy-dial! Voicemail? Never even heard it ring.
Jeff: One.
Audrey: Several thousand.
But I am gaining.
Ah, Mr.
and Mrs.
Dunbar.
- How was the shopping excursion? - Thorough.
We hit every boy's department on fifth Avenue.
We even went to a store called saks where you should shop because you need one.
A stinging rebuke from a man holding a purse.
Go try on that striped top we picked out, darling.
We'll give Timmy a little fashion show.
Well done, Mrs.
Dunbar.
You've transformed a rotting he-goat into a domesticated one-woman man.
Oh, you know, Tim, I've come to realize that I'm the one with needs no one man can fully satisfy.
You've got mail.
It seems as though I've got mail.
Face it, my spicy man of the east.
Something yummy passed between us during that kiss, and it wasn't just my sucret.
Mrs.
Dunbar, I think you'll find that that was, in fact, a misunderstanding.
Then why can't I stop thinking about your hot vindaloo in my welcoming tandoor oven? Well, thank you for ethnically tailoring that filthy metaphor.
Ah, look who's back.
These pants are kinda itchy.
Well, my pants are getting all itchy just checking you out, you're so hot.
Well, handsome men, I'm off to the spa for some deforestation.
'Scuse me.
Hi.
Uh I need to return this jacket.
Okay.
And, uh, why are we returning it? Well, I, uh, decided I didn't want it.
Let's just leave it at that.
Well, I have to put down a reason.
Fine.
If you must know, I was teased.
You know made fun of? Why? It's a classic blue blazer.
Yes.
Yes, but people said things like "lame jacket," and "here comes Captain Dandy of the S.
S.
Fancy boy.
" And then some joke about seamen which I don't wanna tell you because I know I'll just wreck it.
Okay.
Wow.
- Um, what's your name? - Adam.
- Hey, Adam.
Chris.
- Hey.
And I gotta say, I don't get it.
If anything, this jacket's too conservative for you.
Do me a favor.
Try this one.
You could carry off a much more fashion-forward look.
- Oh, nice! - I don't know.
There's no way I could wear this in front of the guys.
And my fiancée.
Why do you give them so much power? You look awesome in this.
Damn it, Chris, when you're right, you're right.
I called you from the paint store.
When you called me back, it went to my voicemail again.
Finally I just had to pick a paint color myself.
So irritating.
How do you think I feel? I didn't even get to weigh in.
Are we a team, or not? All right, I gotta get to work, but there are plenty more baby furniture decisions - you can be a part of.
- Okay.
I will call to discuss.
You leave your phone on, you.
Thanks for coming to support me, Chris.
Wow.
Good luck.
Pfft.
Who needs luck when you're dressed like a superstar? You rock, buddy.
New jacket? Yes, thanks to my new friend Chris.
And it's awesome.
Anyway, Chris and I are gonna go sit over there now, and be nice to each other.
'Cause that's what real friends do.
What the hell just happened? I kind of spaced out in the middle but I think Adam bought a new lady safari jacket And he may have named it Chris.
Did you see that? Your confidence took away their power to make fun of you.
Yes, yes.
Hold on.
Oh, hey, Jeff.
Uh-huh.
Okay.
They took some of the power away.
What'd he say? He he wanted to know when I needed to be back at the bird show at Busch gardens.
You don't have to take that.
Come on.
Hey, it's the maitre D at the rainforest cafe.
Seriously? Like you have a leg to stand on criticizing anyone's appearance.
I mean, call off the search I found Waldo.
What are you laughing at, optimus primate? Sears roebuck called and wants its $90 suit back.
Apparently there's a teacher from 1970 who needs to get to work.
That's all right.
They've already been served.
Let's go, Adam.
Where the hell is Jeff? He promised we'd go look at cribs today.
You guys are moving? No.
Cribs.
For the baby.
Oh, 'cause, you know, it also means Yes, yes.
I get it.
You're young.
All right, well, see you later.
Bye.
Voicemail?In? Oh, darn it, I missed you again.
Uh, anyway, I stopped by a bar to catch the game, but you mentioned shopping for baby stuff, which sounds fun, too.
What to do? Well, baby's due in five months.
Game's on now, so I guess that solved itself, huh? What what the hell is wrong with this thing? Hey, Timmy.
Mrs.
Bingham, hello.
Um I was hoping to ask your advice regarding a matter of utmost delicacy.
Uh, well, I-I was gonna go check out some cribs, but You're thinking of moving? Uh, for the the baby.
Oh.
You see, it also has another Yes, yes.
It has two meanings.
Okay.
What's going on? Well, um, Liz, of, uh, "Russell and Liz" Recently began making advances toward me.
Oh, my God.
Uh Well, obviously, Timmy, you just have to tell her to back off.
Well, Mrs.
Bingham, I've tried, but she's clearly in the grips of an obsession.
My lips, I'm afraid, once tasted, are a highly addictive opiate.
Once you go brown, you keep comin' around.
Isn't that the ups slogan? All right.
Okay.
Well, um I think it's clear, now you need to say something to Russell.
Yes, quite right.
No point in putting it off any further, I suppose.
He texted me earlier, and I shy-dialed him back so I could avoid having to speak to him.
You did what? Shy-dialed.
It's this app that sends your calls to voicemail so you don't have to talk to people.
You son of a bitch.
I was impressed with you back there, Adam.
Standing up to your narrow-minded friends.
Ah, couldn't have done it without you, dude.
Well, wait till they check out your latest look.
Amazing.
I'm not that sold.
I'm a suit With shorts.
It's actually a culotte.
Dude, I know it's cool out.
That's why I'm worried about wearing the shorts.
Plus, you know, man, it's pretty steep.
Can you really put a price on looking your best? In six months, you're gonna see this look all over town.
Look, I know my friends are gonna find something to make fun of, 'kay? They're clever that way.
Screw those guys.
Plus, I'll be there to shut 'em up.
You have not steered me wrong yet, Christo.
And I never will.
Bam! Oh, no, Jeff, straight to voicemail again.
And I really needed to reach you.
Remember my friend Betsy from college? Remember that thing you always hoped would happen with the three of us? Well, she stopped by, we opened a bottle of wine, and it might actually happen if we can find you.
Get home as fast as you can.
Threesome? Threesome.
I need my check.
- Sure, just a second.
- No, I need it right now.
My wife is offering a threesome with her hot college friend.
- Go! It's covered! - Thanks, man.
Clear the way, he's got a threesome! Threesome comin' through! All right, go on! Mr.
Dunbar? Mr.
Dunbar? Hello, Timothy.
Where's Mr.
Dunbar? He sent me a text to meet him here.
Ooh, that was me.
I stole his phone.
You'll never guess what I've got on under this coat.
Lots of layers? Maybe something with a drawstring that has a stubborn knot in it? Nothing.
Nada.
Except, of course, my spanx.
Mrs.
Dunbar, what of your husband? Oh, please.
He can't keep up with me.
I've been grinding the poor guy down to a nub.
Now come on.
If you don't waste time with foreplay, you'll be in and out like seal team six.
I'm so sorry.
Was Osama your guy? No, of course not.
Either way, it's not a deal-breaker.
Timmy.
Timmy, you here? Tim Liz.
Hello, Russell.
What's going on here? I came back to look for my phone, and you're standing here in the dark? I stole your phone and came to your office on the chance that you might come looking for it uh, so we could Do it on your desk.
Well, that makes Total sense, yeah! Let's do it! Audrey, I'm here.
Audrey? Betsy? So you started without me? That's all right.
I'm not, I'm not mad.
Audrey, Audrey.
Where is she? Gee, I don't know, Jeff.
Why don't you shy-dial her? I'm getting a strong feeling that, uh Betsy's not actually in there.
But I owe it to myself to at least check.
- What's my name? - Mommy! - What's my name? - Mommy! Oh, wait, mommy, my back's giving out.
Just, uh, you know, maybe you get on top? Of course, lover.
Not too bouncy, though, I'm still burping up that Turkey chili from dinner.
Okay, now I got a better idea.
I'm gonna stand up, 'kay? So wait, you slide over here Ahh! What, Jeff? See, it didn't go to voicemail.
I uninstalled the shy-dial.
Well, good for you.
That fixes everything.
You're still mad.
Look, it's not like I don't like talking to you, it's just that sometimes you drag me into things that aren't that interesting, like, uh, paint colors, or how your day was.
Uh, how many times have you talked my leg off about the stupid mets bullpen? Or that the meat-lovers' pizza went up by a dollar? That was a slap in the face.
They know that we're meat-lovers.
They have us over a barrel.
Yes, we've had this conversation, and never once have I cared about it.
But I pretended to, because that's what you do in a marriage.
You pretend to care.
You know, back when we were first married I pretended all the time.
I guess I just got lazy.
That's on me.
So, uh, tell me stuff.
Go ahead.
- No, you don't have to.
- I insist.
Tell me about your day.
And as far as you know, I will care.
All right.
I'll take it.
Well, uh, for starters, I think today I found us a beautiful crib.
With a baby on the way, I don't think it's the right time to move.
So, given the circumstances, Liz and I have agreed to get a divorce.
Circumstances being that she tried to nail Timmy, but then nailed you with Timmy underneath your desk.
It was right there in front of my face.
That's too bad.
You were just starting to like being married.
I tried.
But the whole thing was a joke.
I mean, come on, it was never gonna work.
Mere inches from my face.
What's going on? Why are you dressed like a gay four-year-old? Where are they holding the Willy Wonka auditions? Mock all you want.
When Chris gets here, he's gonna shove it in your face.
Please don't phrase it that way.
Oh, wow, he should actually be here by now.
He's pretty eager to back me up.
Oh Chris called.
Hmm.
Hey, Adam, listen, something came up today, and I'm kind of busy, so I'll probably just see you around.
Good luck with the clothes.
Thank you, shy-dial.
Whoa, that is fierce! Told ya, dude.
Cash or charge? Hey, listen, this thing that happened today, it's still nagging at me.
Well, you wanna talk about it some more? I do.
This threesome with Betsy Forget it.
That is never, never gonna happen.
Oh, interesting.
I only heard two "never"s.
That's one less than before.
It's pretty pathetic, but if you wanna hang your hopes on that, then knock yourself out.
He got one less "never"!