Seinfeld s06e05 Episode Script

Love seat is interesting.
Some guy thought: "If they won't sit closer to us why not just shorten the furniture?" My favorite furniture brand is the La-Z-Boy.
This is very flattering to the prospective customer, isn't it? Why not call it the half-conscious- deadbeat-with-no-job-home-all-day eating-Cheetos and-watching-TV recliner? And it goes back so far, that thing.
I mean, go to bed already.
It's over.
You're wiped.
So she got you to join a book club? I got a feeling I'm gonna be much smarter than you pretty soon.
Well, I think that statement alone reflects your burgeoning intelligence.
- What about this one? - No, I don't like that one.
- So, what's your first book? - Breakfast at Tiffany's.
Ninety pages.
- It's kind of old, isn't it? - They wanted a Truman Capote book.
Oh, sure, Truman Capote.
- He's a great writer.
- Oh, yeah.
- Ever read anything by him? - No.
You? No.
What about this one? Look at this.
This is it.
This is what I'm looking for.
Oh, yeah.
- Hey, what's going on? - New couch, baby.
New couch? Why? I love this couch.
The best part is it doesn't fold out so no one can sleep over.
Hello.
Hello.
Oh, let me get the door for you.
Be careful.
Wait till you see it.
It's perfect.
The guy told me it's one of a kind.
They stopped making it.
What are you doing with your old couch? The moving guys are taking it.
You want it? Yeah, I'll take it.
I'm sure they can deliver it to you.
Yes, they can.
- Hey, couch is coming.
- It's here.
All right.
Yeah.
You know, I'm excited about this, Jerry.
In a way, I feel like I'm getting a new couch.
Yeah, so do I.
You remember Poppie? - You mean from Poppie's restaurant? - Yeah, yeah.
Anyway, we're going into business together.
Remember my idea about the place where you make your own pizza? - What was that again? It's a pizza place where you make your own pie.
We give you the dough, the sauce, the cheese.
You pound it, slap it, you flip it up into the air put your toppings on, and you slide it into the oven.
That sounds good, huh? I can't wait to get me a fella and make my own pie.
What made you resurrect that old idea? Well, I happened to be eating at Poppie's when I told him the old idea and his eyes: Just lit up.
- You know, he wants to back it.
- I heard Poppie's was good.
Let's go.
I'm not going.
Didn't he get busted by the board of health? No, that was in the past, Jerry.
As it happens, New York magazine just judged his kitchen to be one of the cleanest in the city.
They got a duck there, you think you died and went to heaven.
I love duck.
Come on, come on.
You gotta order it two days in advance.
I'll call them, I'll order the duck for you.
Kramer, I Right there, guys.
That's perfect.
What do you think, Lainey? Well, I don't know.
I'll have to sit on it.
Oh, no, I don't want anyone sitting on it.
Sign here.
Excuse me.
I was wondering if it would be possible if you could you deliver the old couch to my apartment? - It's not very far.
- Sure.
Okay.
You got room in the truck for me? I think we can squeeze you in.
Oh, goody.
Okay.
Well I'll see you chumps later.
Did you offer those guys a drink? No.
Should I have? - What kind of a person are you? - I don't know.
Okay, Breakfast at Tiffany's.
So he puts the couch down and just as he's about to leave, he says, "Do you date moving men?" - You wanna know what I said? - I can't wait.
"I do now.
" - Clever.
- Is that something? - Is that something? - Yes, you're something.
So anyway, when they were in my house before I didn't offer them anything to drink.
Well, they're real men, Jerry.
They get sweaty.
So anyone sweaty in your house has to be offered a drink? Yes.
Would you apologize for me? Hello.
Jerry, so good to see you again.
Hello Poppie.
- This is Elaine.
- Nice to meet you, Poppie.
- Let me show you to your table.
- Okay.
Your duck is cooking as we speak.
It is so succulent, so succulent.
So Kramer told us all about your business venture together.
Your friend and I are gonna make a lot of money.
Of course, I already have a lot of money.
Poppie does very well.
Very well.
Well, your mother must be very proud of you.
My mother was taken from my house by the communists in the middle of the night when I was 10 years old.
She was sent to a slave-labor camp where she labored for 12 years.
Finally, they released her and she was on a boat to America to reunite with us.
But she was served some bad fish, and she died on the high seas.
So, what's good tonight? Boy, I'm really looking forward to this duck.
I've never had food ordered in advance before.
Could have stayed home and ordered pizza from Pokeno's.
Pokeno's? Oh, no.
You should never order pizza from Pokeno's.
- Why not? - The owner contributes money to those fanatical anti-abortion groups.
- So you won't eat the pizza? - No way.
- Really? - Yeah.
Well, what if Poppie felt the same way? Well, I guess I wouldn't eat here then.
Really? Yeah, that's right.
Well, perhaps we should inquire.
Poppie? Oh, Poppie? - Could I have a word? - Yes, Jerry.
I just checked your duck.
It is more succulent than even I had hoped.
Poppie, I was just curious.
Where do you stand on abortion? When my mother was abducted by the communists she was with a child.
- Oh, boy.
But the communists, they put an end to that.
So on this issue, there is no debate and no intelligent person can think differently.
Well, Poppie, I think differently.
And what gives you the right to do that? The Supreme Court gives me the right to do that! Let's go, Jerry.
Come on.
I heard that.
Let's go, Henry.
- We just got here.
- I'm with you, Poppie.
- Let's go.
- And I am not coming back! You're not welcome! Well, I'm certainly glad I brought it up.
Well, you should've seen it.
It was quite a scene over there.
- I'm sorry I missed it.
- Oh, you really missed something.
And I have to say it was pretty much all my fault.
So how's the book coming? - I say how's the book coming? - Oh, pretty good.
So, what's it about? - Well, it's about Holly Golightly.
- Holly Golightly.
- Yeah, she's quite a character.
- Haven't read a page, have you? - No.
- Big surprise.
I couldn't.
If it's not about sports, I find it very hard to concentrate.
You're not very bright, are you? No, I'm not.
I would like to be, but I'm not.
What am I gonna do? The book club meets in a few days.
Why don't you rent the movie? Why don't I rent the movie? You see? This is when I like you.
Now I'm relieved.
So how was the dinner last night? Oh, well Did you enjoy the duck? Oh, Elaine, I was just asking how dinner went last night.
- Oh, well - All right, what did you do to Poppie? - Nothing.
- Well, he's in the hospital.
And the cook says you put him there.
- What's wrong with him? - I don't know.
I'm gonna go and visit him later.
It would be nice if you got him something.
We should get him something.
Yeah, you're right.
Do you know I've been using the same bottle of shampoo for a year? And I shampoo every day.
So, what do you think of my conversation? Not much.
I would've invited you up but I don't have any furniture.
- You don't have any furniture? - No, I hate furniture.
I can't look at it.
Oh, I can understand that.
- A pretty good date, huh? - Yeah, no heavy lifting.
Anyway, Jerry and Elaine felt bad about what happened to you and wanted you to have this.
What's this? A bottle of wine and a five-alarm chili? They're trying to kill Poppie? - Why? - Don't they know I have a gastrointestinal disorder? If I would have any of this, I would die.
Then Poppie's no good to anyone.
This is a sick, sick joke on Poppie.
How could you be friends with those two? Well, we're not very close.
- They owe me for those ducks.
- Yeah.
- They're flown in from Newfoundland.
- They got good ducks there, huh? Very good ducks.
I'm in love! This is it, Jerry! This is it! He is such an incredible person.
He's real.
He's honest.
He's unpretentious.
Oh, I'm really lucky.
Did you tell him I was sorry about the drink? No.
I forgot.
The best part is, he doesn't play games.
You know? There are no games.
No games? What is the point of dating without games? How do you know if you're winning or losing? Well, all I know is he doesn't like games, and he doesn't play games.
You know, he has too much character and integrity.
And what is his stand on abortion? What? What is his stand on abortion? Well, I'm sure he's pro-choice.
How do you know? Because he Well He's just so good-looking.
Well, you should probably ask.
Because if he's gonna be coming over with those Pokeno's pizzas could be trouble.
I'd like to rent Breakfast at Tiffany's.
This is out.
Someone has it.
Out? Oh, no, I've I've been to four places.
You're the only ones with it.
Well, I could put it on reserve for you if you'd like.
Maybe we could call them and ask them to return it.
Sorry, we can't do that.
Well, maybe they're done with it.
I could go pick it up.
I don't think so.
It doesn't work that way.
Yes? Excuse me, are you Joe Temple? Yes.
Yes, you don't know me.
My name is George Costanza.
Did you happen to rent Breakfast at Tiffany's? - Hey.
- What's happening? Well, you know, Poppie's over at my place.
Tonight's the big night.
I'll make the first test pizza at the restaurant.
You got a regular Manhattan Project going on over there.
Anyway, he's about to leave.
He wants the duck money.
- Oh, okay.
Hi, Poppie.
- Hello.
Sorry about the gift.
I didn't know about your condition.
That's fine.
If you just give me my duck money, I'll be on my way.
Okay, I'll get it.
Why don't you sit down, Poppie, you're still recuperating.
Are you tired, Poppie? - No.
- Poppie, you really think people wanna make their own pizza? Kramer, did I ever tell you about my mother? - My mother - Here you go.
Anyway, I'm sorry again about the - The - The what? The - The The - Okay, Poppie.
So long, huh? I'll see you tonight.
Kramer, what is this? - What is what? - This puddle on my sofa! - What puddle? - That puddle! I don't know.
Is it.
.
? Could it.
.
? Could he have.
.
? It is! Poppie peed on my sofa! - Are you sure? - Well, what is it, then? My new sofa! Poppie peed on my new sofa! I'm sure it'll come out.
I don't care if it comes out.
I can't sit on that anymore.
- You're making too much of it.
- Yeah, you're right.
Just a natural human function.
Happens to be on my sofa instead of in the toilet, where it would normally be.
Right.
Well, anyway, the book club meets tomorrow, Mr.
Temple.
Well, I was gonna watch it with my daughter.
She likes Audrey Hepburn very much.
Yeah, she was a delicate flower.
Why didn't you just read the book? Well, as I say, the pinkeye made my vision quite blurry.
Remy.
This is George.
Would you mind if he watched Breakfast at Tiffany's with us? - Hi.
- Hi.
- I missed you.
- Oh, I missed you.
I don't remember the last time I felt this way.
Me either.
- I think about you all the time.
- You do? - Do you think about me? - Oh, yeah, all the time.
All the time.
Although recently I've been thinking about this friend of mine.
- What friend? - Oh, just this woman.
She got impregnated by her troglodytic half-brother and decided to have an abortion.
You know, someday we're gonna get enough people on the Supreme Court to change that law.
So anything to nosh? What did you want? Popcorn? Popcorn? Where do you think you are? A lot of people keep popcorn in the house.
Well, we don't.
You might wanna try it.
Makes the movie more enjoyable, that's all.
- Here's some nuts.
- Oh, nuts! Excellent! You know what I love? How there's two nuts named after people: Hazel and Filbert.
Can we watch the movie now, Daddy? Hey, let's turn off the lights, get some real movie atmosphere.
The lights are fine.
See? Everybody can do this.
Yeah.
No, no.
Use your wrist.
It's all in the wrist.
- Oh, yeah.
- Not too high! Very good.
That's very good.
All right, put a little sauce on here.
- Now some cheese.
- Not too much.
And cucumbers.
Hey, wait a second.
What is that? - It's cucumbers.
- No, no.
You can't put cucumbers on a pizza.
Why not? I like cucumbers.
That's not a pizza.
It will taste terrible.
But that's the idea.
Make your own pie.
Yes, but we cannot give the people the right to choose any topping they want.
Now, on this issue, there can be no debate.
What gives you the right to tell me how I make my pie? Because it's a pizza.
It's not a pizza till it comes out of the oven.
It's a pizza the moment you put your fists in the dough.
- No, it isn't! - Yes, it is! - I'm home.
- Hey, honey.
- Hi, Mom.
- Hi, baby.
Hello.
- Breakfast at Tiffany's? - Yeah.
I just came back from Angela's.
It's not looking very good for Duncan.
Oh, that's too bad.
The doctor thinks it's just a matter of time.
Joe.
Could you.
.
? Poor guy.
I hate to see him suffer like this.
- Yeah.
- You know, I'm sorry.
I hate to be one of those people but we're right in the middle of this thing.
I can't hear.
Who are you? This is George Costanza.
It's just very hard to follow, with all the talking.
I'll pause it, okay? Any more grape juice? So who is this guy? - He's in some book club.
- And what's he doing here? Cheating on his test.
So we watching the movie or are we still talking? Okay, come on, let's go.
What? Come on, you took my seat.
It's not your seat.
- I was sitting there.
Come on.
- You didn't save it.
I had the arm.
Joe.
What's the difference? I was very comfortable.
I've got my nuts here.
It's my couch.
All right, come on.
Come on, scootch over.
- Wait, it's my seat! - Stop being like a 2-year-old.
Look! Look what you did! You got grape juice all over our couch.
You ruined our couch! Joe.
- Oh, my God.
- You see? So are you gonna get a new couch? Well, I guess I have no choice.
- What, do you want your old couch? - I was hoping you'd offer.
- Yeah? - It's the movers.
- Okay.
- Who's that? - Your boyfriend.
He's taking it out.
- No, he's not my boyfriend.
Why? Take a guess.
Oh, really.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Hey, Carl, I also need you to go to Elaine's and bring my old couch back.
- Today? - Could you? - Sure.
Well, what are you doing with this couch? George is taking it.
Did you tell him it was peed on? He said he doesn't care.
He'll just turn the cushion over.
- I'm sorry you feel that way, Elaine.
- Yeah, me too.
- It's just too bad.
- Yeah, it is.
Well, I better get this couch back to Jerry's.
- Can I offer you anything to drink? - Yeah, sure.
- All I've got is grape juice.
- Throw it.
The couch! She didn't want the constraints of any relationship.
That's why she got rid of the cat.
The most important thing in Holly's life was her independence.
Well, not really.
After all, she did get together with George Peppard.
I mean, Fred.
George, Fred's gay.