The King of Queens s06e05 Episode Script

Hey, there are the boys! Hi.
How's it goin'? Man, am i glad to see Some real flesh-And-Blood humans.
alone on the couch Can do strange things to a man.
Right.
Absolutely.
I'm gonna grab a beer.
Make a phone call.
God, i love friday afternoons.
I feel like an artist And the weekend that lies ahead, that's my canvas.
So, what've you got planned? A lot of naps.
How about you? Actually, i told o'boyle i'd work a half day tomorrow.
You volunteered to work on a saturday? Loser! Hey.
Kelly's got the kids this weekend, And going to work beats sitting at home in my apartment Listening to the echo Of what a family used to sound like.
Loser.
Anyway, i should get rolling.
Hey.
Deacon.
Hey, carrie.
Come here.
Come on.
Ah! Oh, yeah! That's the good stuff.
All right, get on out of here, you big lug.
Go on.
Right, uh see ya.
Do you have to hit on him Right in front of me? Shh.
They're getting back together.
Who? Who? Who do you think? Van halen? Deacon and kelly.
What're you talking about? He didn't say anything about it.
Because he doesn't know about it yet.
I just had lunch with kelly in the city, And she said she's done finding herself, Learning who kelly is, blah, blah, blah, And she is ready to come home, So when she drops the kids off sunday night, She's gonna tell him she wants to stay.
My god.
That's great.
Great? Come on! It's fantastic! It is! They finally get their family back together.
Man, seeing those kids Pack up their little underoos every weekend, That was rough.
Yeah.
You know who had it rough? You and me, pal.
Hanging out with all those other couples the last 2 years.
I hated one more than the next.
Remember the pernworths? Oh.
"Doug, wanna see my radio-Controlled boat?" Bbblttt! No! No! God.
So, why is kelly waiting Till sunday night to tell him? She's gotta take the kids To visit her mother upstate.
Maybe i should go over there and tell him myself.
What?! You can't do that.
Why not? Because it's between deacon and kelly.
It's a private thing.
Meanwhile, deacon's gotta be miserable for the whole weekend? It's 2 days.
Let me paint a picture for you, ok? Tonight he's lonely.
He drinks himself to sleep holding a lit cigarette.
He wakes up in the morning dead! He doesn't drink or smoke.
Ah, ok.
But he shaves, right? So he's crying while he's shaving.
Then cuts his throat! Dead! That's not gonna happen.
He's eating a sandwich- Doug! Carrie, i'm serious.
Look, i mean the guy's been a wreck, ok? We got a chance to help him out here.
Why let him suffer? All right.
You know what? You wanna go tell your friend the good news, go tell him.
All right.
I'll do it tomorrow.
Traffic's brutal right now.
Coming.
Howdy-Doo! Hey, man.
What you doin' here? Just doin' the saturday errands.
Thought i'd come over here, See if i could lift your spirits.
Although your spirits seem pretty lifted.
Yup.
Got a little company coming over in a few minutes.
Oh, yeah? Who? Oh, you're not gonna believe it, man.
This morning i had a pickup At the airport marriott, right? So i'm standing in the lobby, waiting, And i glance over, and there, checking in, Smiling at me, is this crazy hot stewardess.
So we start talking.
You know, whatever, whatever.
And she's, like, "Oh, i just got transferred "To the european route.
"I'm going to london tomorrow And i won't be back for at least a year.
" And i'm, like, "that's cool.
That's cool.
So, uh, how you gonna spend your last day here?" And she says- Get this- "Any suggestions?" Ha ha ha! I mean, i'm in my delivery uniform, She's in her stewardess uniform.
It was like the first scene in a porno.
So, long story short, We're going to the met game this afternoon, And then afterwards she's cooking me dinner Here, in my apartment.
It's on, baby! Ha ha ha ha! Huh! It's-It's wild, doug.
I've been through such hell, And then today, out of nowhere, A little somethin'- Somethin' from the man upstairs.
And this somethin'- Somethin' Is definitely leavin' the country tomorrow? Yeah.
Why? Ooh.
Bye.
How'd it go? Great.
Stopped off at the walgreen's, And you'll be happy to know Somebody's nose hairs will not survive the night.
No, how'd it go at deacon's? Oh, that.
Uh, i decided not to tell him after all.
You didn't tell him? Nah.
All right, i need some kind of cheese to step forward.
Well, what happened? Why'd you change your mind? I don't know.
I was thinking about what you said, you know, About how it's really kelly's place to tell him.
That was quite persuasive.
Sometimes your shrill tone masks a very good point.
Doug, i just got off the phone with kelly, And she liked the idea of, you know, You going over there And setting the table for her.
All righty, then i'll set a kick-Ass table First thing tomorrow morning.
Doug, come on.
I don't understand.
Why'd you change your mind? You're the one who didn't want your friend To be miserable all weekend.
He's hangin' in there.
Doug! Hey! Me again.
Hey, what's goin' on? You got a sec 'cause, uh, actually, I do want to talk to you after all.
Ok, i think we're getting food at the game 'Cause that lunch meat in your fridge has seen better days.
Oh, hi.
All right.
Ah, douglas, just the man i want to see.
Perhaps you could help me finish up my crossword puzzle.
Not right now, arthur.
But i'm tantalizingly close.
The final clue is "i dream of jeannie star larry blank.
" Hagman.
That's what i thought, but apparently The first 3 letters are b, x, x.
Anything? Will you please- I- I got something on my mind here.
Then don't you think you should talk about it, son? Maybe you're right.
You got a second? Of course.
Today i was over at- Time's up! Marvelous gag, isn't it? Learned that from an old army buddy.
Anyway you know deacon and kelly have been separated for a couple years now, right? Well, kelly's finally ready to get back together, But deacon doesn't know that yet.
And i went over there today to tell him that, But i didn't.
Why not? Well don't say anything to carrie, But it turns out deacon met this stewardess Who's leaving the country for good tomorrow, And he's got a chance to, you know, Be with her tonight.
Suddenly this story turns erotic and fascinating.
So i figured after all he's been through, He deserves a night like that.
But if i tell him about kelly coming back, He's gonna feel too guilty to go through with it.
So i didn't say anything.
But now i'm just struggling with whether or not I made the right decision.
What do you think? The girl's a stewardess, you say? Yes, and smoking hot.
Aren't they all? Not really, no.
Well, fret not, my boy.
Your instincts were right on the money.
You think so? Absolutely.
If deacon is in the dark About his wife's desire to reconcile, There are no moral chains around him.
He's free to frolic With a sensuous stranger tonight And rekindle The flames of matrimony tomorrow.
As long as he changes his sheets, It's a fairy tale ending! Thanks, arthur.
That really makes me feel a lot better.
That's what i do! Hello, darling.
Hi, daddy.
Ooh, a pink box.
Are we being treated to some delicious baked goods? No.
Sorry.
It's a cake for deacon and kelly.
I wanted to get them a little something For getting back together.
Had them spell out "true love" In those little candy hearts.
Kind of silly, eh? Oh, god! I'm a monster! Huh? I'm an accomplice to something terrible.
I should just paint a scarlet "a" on myself.
"A" for adultery! Then after this incident passes, I suppose it could stand for arthur.
That worked out well.
Hi, honey.
Hi.
Whatcha doing? Just watching the met game.
Oh.
Can i get you anything? Coffee, tea, Maybe a complimentary headset? Uh-Oh.
Yeah.
I heard about the stewardess, And you're gonna wish your exits Were here and here, 'Cause i'm about to kick your ass.
That's funny.
Ow! What is wrong with you?! Arthur! Oh, don't blame him.
This isn't his fault.
Why did he even tell you? An hour ago, he agreed with me.
Because, as you pointed out many times, He's insane.
But at least he has a shred of decency in him, unlike you.
Will you let me explain? Please explain to me how you casually decided To help your best friend cheat on his wife.
First of all, it wasn't casual.
It was a very difficult decision.
Oh, i'm glad you chewed on it Before you came down on the side of adultery.
Second of all, it's not adultery, Because they're not back together.
She's coming back.
He wants her back.
So basically, they are back together.
But they're not actually back together Until deacon knows they're back together, Which is supposed to happen sunday night.
Just because we found out in advance Doesn't give us the right To travel back in time And change their destiny.
Carrie, you don't mess with the fabric of time.
If there's one thing we learned in back to the future, It's that.
This is your explanation?! You rang, douglas? Nothing.
Forget it.
While i'm up here, Maybe we can put our heads together And finish up this crossword.
Get out! Who are you calling? I'm not calling anybody.
You're calling deacon To stop this unholy thing Before it happens.
He's not home.
They're at the met game.
Oh, so that's why you were watching the met game, To spy on your handiwork.
You got it.
Yeah.
It's a deep fly ball, Way back, sailing high over the couple Humping in the bleachers.
You know what? You are going over there after the game.
No, i am not.
Doug, i don't understand you.
What's going on with you? You could be destroying a marriage here.
It's not gonna hurt the marriage.
She's leaving the country for good tomorrow.
She'll be out of deacon's life Before kelly walks back in.
We don't have the right to travel back in time- Will you stop with that already? There's no time travel involved here, ok? Just have the guts to admit That this is about you wanting your best friend To bang a stewardess.
Fine.
I admit it.
After what kelly's put him through, I think he deserves this, and you know what? Letting it happen is my gift to him.
This is your idea of a gift? Yeah.
A gift to celebrate the end Of a horrible 2 years.
Did you get him a gift? No.
Ok, so deacon getting his wife back, His kids, That's not enough of a gift.
He needs more of a gift than that.
They're different kinds of gifts.
That's why you get more than one gift for christmas.
For god's sake, carrie, jewish people Give 8 gifts for hanukkah.
Oh, ok.
So according to your logic, Would it be ok if deacon slept With 7 other women tonight? No, 'cause he's not jewish.
The stupidest conversation I've ever had.
No.
The stupidest conversation i've ever had, And besides, kelly's been with a million guys Since she left him.
Excuse me.
She's been with exactly 2 guys, And she only slept with one of them.
He was an orthodontist.
What the hell does that have to do with anything? Just that she regretted it.
It was weird.
The guy cried or something.
I don't know.
The point is that when that happened, She didn't know what was gonna happen With her and deacon, ok? Today is the day before they're getting back together.
So if the sex goes past midnight, It'll be the same day.
The sex probably won't go past midnight.
Don't be so sure.
Some people can actually pull that off.
Oh, i see all the guns are out now! You can insult me all you want.
I'm still not going over there and telling him.
I'm just not.
All right.
Look, doug, ok.
I admit that deacon being with this girl tonight Probably won't destroy their marriage, And, yes, maybe in some way, He probably does deserve it.
But i just feel Like not telling deacon about kelly Is just wrong.
Honey, it's wrong, And i know in your heart You know that, too.
I don't know.
Maybe.
Come on, honey.
After the game, we'll go over there, And we'll tell him, all right? All right, fine.
Ok, good.
I'll bet he thanks you.
Oh, yeah.
I expect to get a very hearty handshake.
When's the game over? I don't know.
A couple hours at least.
Doug? What? It's raining.
So? It's raining! There's an abbott and costello movie on.
"Due to today's rain, The game will be completed tomorrow as a doubleheader.
" Oh, my god! They're probably at his apartment right now.
She's probably unpinning her little wings As we speak.
He doesn't even realize the mummy's right behind him.
Doug! I hope we're not too late.
Yeah, me, too.
Can you hear the doorbell from the bedroom? I don't know.
Well, what do you think? I don't know.
It's been a while Since we had a slumber party.
All right, just use your key.
I don't have a key.
Oh, don't give me that.
I know you guys swapped house keys, Like, 5 years ago.
Oh, right.
My "please burst in if i'm ever nailing a stewardess" key.
Right.
Just open it.
I don't think they're here.
Do you think they're in the bedroom, You know, doing it? How the hell should i know? Check it out! Doug.
Hello? Deac? Hot stewardess? Ha ha ha! I'm sorry.
But i've never seen anyone run so fast From a little rain.
This shirt is suede.
It's $60, baby.
Actually, i'm not sorry The game got rained out.
Gives us more time for dinner And whatnot.
I like the sound of whatnot.
Ha ha ha.
How's it going? What were you doing in there? I heard that the met game got rained out, So i came over here To close your windows.
Ok, once again, what were you doing in there? Actually, i need to talk to you a second alone.
Why don't i just wait inside? Thanks.
Don't be scared.
The white woman coming out of the bathroom Will be my wife.
Right.
Ok.
Hi.
I'm melanie.
Wow.
So that's pretty much it.
Kelly's coming back tomorrow.
She loves you, and she wants to stay married.
Yeah, that's it.
That's the whole deal right there.
Great news, huh, deac? Deac, you there, buddy? I love my wife.
The fact that she's coming back Is the best news I could ever hope to get.
That being said, You realize you told me At the worst possible time, Don't you? Yes.
Yes, i do.
Then why the hell did you tell me now?! I'm sorry.
Carrie made me.
The only worse time you could've picked Is if you waited another half hour And popped out from under the covers.
I fought for you! I fought for you, And i told her you've been through hell And you deserve this, And then she said some stuff, And here we are.
Oh, man.
So what are you gonna do? I don't know.
I can't even think straight.
In my mind, i'm seeing my family All back together for christmas, Except instead of a tree, We're decorating a naked stewardess.
Deac, that is a million-Dollar idea.
Hey.
Did you guys have your talk? Yeah.
Oh.
Oh, what? Nothing.
I was just in there with melanie, And, uh, she ain't ugly, That's for darn tootin'.
What are you saying? I shouldn't have told him? No, no.
You did the right thing.
Definitely.
You definitely did the right thing, Although she could not be nicer.
She actually gave me some free coupons for an upgrade.
What the hell is she doing to me? I don't know.
What the hell are you doing to him?! Nothing, nothing, nothing.
I'm just thinking.
They still are technically separated, And kelly did have her thing With the orthodontist.
She slept with dr.
Gottleib?! Kind of.
It was not a big deal.
Listen, deacon, you're an adult.
You're capable of making your own decisions.
We should have never interfered.
Just do what feels right, ok? Come on, babe.
We were never here.
The last 5 minutes never happened.
You're just getting back from the met game.
The mets won.
You've got a beautiful woman In your apartment waiting for you.
And go.
Oh, are these your kids? They're adorable.
Aw, crap.
You know, deacon, I actually think this time apart Was the best possible thing for us, Don't you? We both got out there And got to live a little.
I had my experiences, You had yours.
By the way, can you take kirby To his appointment at dr.
Gottleib's On thursday? We're gonna need a new mirror.