Last of the Summer Wine (1973) s06e06 Episode Script

FOGGY: I understand the Co-op has some big reductions in winceyette pyjamas.
CLEGG: I could do with some big reductions in mine.
I think they must've been made for a gorilla.
Only a small gorilla.
COMPO: Nigel Hinchliffe's nose 'as turned septic.
All of it? Or just the bit that sticks out? I don't know.
Oh, he comes here with half a story.
'Ow do I know? Passing himself off as an expert on Nigel Hinchliffe's nose.
What's tha mean, 'only the bit that sticks out'? That's all there is to a nose.
The bit that sticks out.
Not necessarily.
Not if it's like the iceberg.
In which case two-thirds of the human nose could be under the surface.
Cobblers! No, don't scoff.
It sometimes feels like an iceberg.
Just imagine, the real work's going on underneath.
This bit that sticks out is just for resting yer spectacles on.
No, no, no, no.
No, no, there must be some biological reason.
No, what it's there for is so tha can nip it and make funny voices.
Yes Yes, that's it! Biologically it exists so you can squeeze it and make funny voices.
Are you coming? IN FUNNY VOICES Coming, Foggy.
Coming, Foggy.
Well, is that a view or is that a view? You mean you don't know? You've brought us all this way and you don't know if it's a view? On a clear day you can probably see the Humber Bridge.
All of it, or just the part you rest yer spectacles on? Norm! Why are you 'ittin' me with your 'at? Normy! Pick up the step that man, come on.
What day is it? Judging by those trousers, not early closing.
Haven't you got any better trousers? These ARE my better trousers! Norm, why's 'e draggin' me by the arm? With trousers like that, who'd drag you by the leg? How much money have you got? You mean altogether? Yes, altogether.
Well altogether Nowt! Where's your betting money? You can't touch me bettin' money.
AARRGH! OW! GERROFF! GERROFF! Where is it? In me wellie! In that case he's right y'know.
You CAN'T touch his betting money.
Cor dear, it don't 'alf make yer eyeballs 'eavy.
Suppose they dropped out? It wasn't THEM dropping out we were worried about.
Well, are you coming, Clegg? Think I'd rather wait out here.
What's the matter? He's such a red-hot salesman is Duggie, he's bound to sell me something.
Rubbish! It usually is.
DOOR BANG Come in, why don't you? 'Morning, Sidney.
Glad yer think so.
Don't touch anything.
Mending the old hairdryer, are we? I was, till some twonk came bargin' in.
You know what's wrong with this, there's a little screw missing.
I know a little screw's missing.
What d'you want? Oh, er, could we have 3 of your electric cups of tea please? Where's the rest of your squad? On their way.
I've never known such dawdlers.
Can't seem to get civilian legs into a military pace.
But the morning's not entirely wasted.
I've done a good job on renovating one of the town's scruffiest areas.
I've had a new pair of trousers installed on you-know-who.
CRASH OF CUPS That's right, go on, throw things about.
I've just 'ad some startlin' news.
You'll 'ave some startlin' news in a minute, yer great pair of tulips.
I'd like to know what news is so startlin' it could make you drop the cups.
I don't CRASH My God! Somebody's seen you with that Mrs Jessop! Who has? II mean they couldn't 'ave.
I mean what am I feelin' guilty for? I 'aven't been with 'er.
I knew this would 'appen! Nothin's 'appened, woman! I've been expectin' somethin' like this, ever since you started readin' Harold Robbins.
That's a terrible thing to say.
I don't read Harold Robbins.
Calm yourself Ivy.
The startling news wasn't about him.
It was about him.
'E's 'ad a trouser transplant! They've got 'im into a new pair.
Well it's about time too! I'm not superstitious But I've 'ad glimpses of things lurkin' under the surface of those trousers that'd make you shudder.
Oh I say! Aren't they smart.
Smart? I'll say they flamin' smart.
Pack that in! It's all right for thee.
Tha's not bein' strangled! Look, jeans are often a little tight at first.
Tight? I've 'ad bad ferret bites that 'ave caused me less trouble.
No wonder the younger generation are so rebellious! They look very hardwearing.
Hardwearin'? Yes, they're very 'ard to wear.
It's like 'avin' everything in plaster.
An' I mean EVERYTHING! Yes, well it's time you were strapped up a bit.
I must say it makes me feel much easier in me mind.
I think it's a great improvement.
Let's 'ave a cuppa tea, Sid.
I'll see if I can force it down.
Oh dear, oh dear! It's Mary Poppins! What've yer got there? I've no idea.
But Duggie told you what it is.
I wasn't listening.
You should've been.
What for? He wasn't listening to me.
I kept telling him I didn't want it, but he wasn't listening.
Who? Duggie at the second-hand shop.
Oh 'e'll sell owt will Duggie.
You're not jokin'! What'll I do with this? Least you can wear yours.
Listen, I'd sooner wear that anydaywhatever it is.
It's a metal detector.
I told you he'd sell me something! I told you, once you look at his eyes you're gone.
You've probably got a snip there.
It's based on the old mine detectors, y'know.
The things we used to use in the war.
Oh, it's just what I've always wanted, a mine detector! Of course they don't use 'em for detecting mines in peacetime, they use 'em for finding treasure.
Liable to be a lot of that 'ere? There's a lot of it everywhere.
Buried treasure? Yes.
Ha! You should be locked up! I can just see Captain Morgan and 'is pirates comin' up the canal desperate to bury their treasure .
.
somewhere near Huddersfield.
There's different kinds of treasure.
I can see all them pirates singin' their Yorkshire sea shanties.
Yo ho ho and a bottle of John Smiths! You shut up.
Now, you hold it like this.
Don't bother Foggy, I'll never be able to ride it.
No, no, y'don't ride it.
You put these headphones on.
Then you push it up and down like a vacuum cleaner.
Oh that really is exciting.
Going out where everyone can see you, put the earphones on and move that about like a vacuum cleaner.
Not exactly like a vacuum cleaner.
You hold it so.
A little way above the ground.
Then you advance with it slowly and you sweep.
Tha's been done, Cleggy.
It's not even a vacuum cleaner, that's gotta sweep with it.
The extended arm should move in a gentle circular motion.
Oh, yer mean like this? Ooh! I can't even do a V-sign in these trousers.
There's no room to manoeuvre.
It's bad enough climbin' into these things, but I don't know 'ow the 'ell I'll get anything out! Could we borrow a spoon, Sidney? What d'you want a spoon for? I want to lay it on the floor.
Oh! We usually lay OURS on the table! Do you think if I pleaded insanity I could get me money back? From Duggie? Not a chance.
You don't want your money back.
This is a very ingenious machine.
Many people do spoon tricks here? Not much interest nowadays.
I can understand that.
Don't put the earphones on.
Just hold them up so we all hear the noises they're making.
They're not making any noises.
I know they're not making any noises.
I knew it! They're broken! They're not, I haven't switched on.
Then what are you prattin' about for? You shut up, we want to hear this.
It's still broken.
You won't hear anything until I pass it over the metal spoon.
I don't think I can stand all this excitement.
Well go and sit down then.
In these 'ardboard trousers? I'm not doin' anything clever till I've learned to walk in 'em first.
Just keep out of the way.
Ready, Clegg? I think I'd rather go and look at Nigel Hinchliffe's septic nose.
You'll be all right.
All right, I'm ready.
When I pass the machine over the spoon, we should hear something.
Hey! I 'eard something! What are yer doing now? They've got a machine to find the screw missin' from yer hairdryer.
Yeah, well there's more than one screw missin' around 'ere.
That was nimble thinking, Sidney.
Brilliant.
Well done, Sid.
I get lots of practice.
The beauty of it is, it's true.
With this apparatus we'll soon find the screw.
'Aven't much luck with the spoon.
A minor adjustment and we'll soon have some sort of noise.
Ow, ooh God! Very good, Foggy.
And quick too! Let me have a bit of elbow room.
Give it 'ere.
I can manage.
You're framin' like a fairy.
Look, it's just an adjustment.
Let go a minute.
Don't interfere.
And I suppose yer've got a machine for pickin' up bits of crockery that used to be cups? I'll pick 'em up.
It would've been cheaper to buy a new hairdryer! If you'd like me to look at Keep your hands off! Oh Norm, Norm, don't let me laugh so much in these trousers.
You can always tell.
The more inefficient they are, manually, the quicker they fly off the handle at a hint of criticism.
Are you sure you're not holding it upside down? I KNOW I AM, IT'S BECAUSE.
It's because I want to make a small adjustment.
'Ey up! It's Nora Batty, my true love.
Oh my God, is 'e 'ere? Come 'ere, gal.
'Ave a look at that.
OOH! She 'ad thee out shoppin', Wal? Aye, she's 'ad me out shoppin'.
The fuss they make about a bit o' shoppin'.
I feel like a native porter.
White woman giving you hard time, Buana? Isn't she ever.
Ey, don't you know it's bad luck to put umbrella up indoors? Well? Aren't you goin' to get me a cup of coffee? I'm gonna get 'er a cup of coffee.
WAARGH! Now look! Great stupid fool! Rearin' up on people.
What's goin' on in 'ere now? Don't know what she's yarpin' for.
Your 'usband startled me.
Well it's more than 'e does to me! You expect it from 'im.
But I didn't expect it from .
.
your 'usband.
Rearin' up at me.
Oh, 'e did, did 'e? If there's any rearin' up to be done, you'll do it to me.
I was pickin' up the crockery.
You saw 'im, didn't yer? 'E reared up at me.
I was lookin' at 'is umbrella.
It's not an umbrella.
It's not as useful as an umbrella.
It's EXTREMELY useful.
I was standin' 'ere, mindin' my own business.
Oh, yer were? I was.
Well, there's a novelty for a start.
'ERE! Are you goin' to stand there .
.
and let me be insulted? Listen, what I want to know is, if it's not an umbrella, what is it? I thought we were goin' to 'ave a coffee.
Lettin' people insult yer wife! Yer don't deserve a coffee.
Do I 'ave to deserve everything? It's gonna be a long time between drinks if I 'ave to deserve 'em.
Ey up, Nora! Ignore 'im.
Yer gotta 'ave a word of encouragement.
I don't want encouragement from you.
Are you wonderin' why I 'aven't chased you round the cafe? Don't stop, ignore 'im.
No, 'ang on a minute.
I was wonderin' why 'e didn't chase you round t'caff for a bit.
Is it something .
.
we've said? No Wally.
I still find 'er as attractive as ever.
Stop shoutin' that in the street.
I just 'aven't got the 'ang of chasin' 'er in these trousers.
'E 'asn't got used to those trousers I can 'ear 'im! Whole damn street can 'ear 'im.
'Ere, Wal.
Would yer bring 'er back when I've me other trousers on? 'Ave I got to be humiliated in public? Well? Say something to 'im.
Go on! Say something! I've got a pair of brown corduroys you can 'ave.
They're in t'wardrobe.
Oh, ta.
Oh go on! There you are, just a loose wire, try it now.
Try it outside, I want no more accidents.
I assure you, nothing'll go wrong.
Out! It's a harmless instrument.
It's not the instrument I'm worried about, it's the driver! If you don't wish me to locate the screw.
Go and test it somewhere first then you can come and find the screw.
All right, come on, it's your detector.
When you're young and suggestible .
.
they warn you about loose women and sitting in drafts.
But nobody said a word about metal detectors.
What are you grinning at? I was just thinkin' about loose women and sittin' in drafts, just my cuppa tea.
You can come too, in case we need some support at the manual level.
I knew we'd be conscripted.
Stop moaning! You won't even have to do anything.
'Ey up! I'm beginnin' to like it.
You just leave the technical end to me.
I just need 2 witnesses to a successful demonstration.
Somebody's got to convince those people.
They must think I'm some kind of idiot.
Who's got something metallic? Haven't you brought something metallic? Didn't anybody think? Well, thee didn't for a start.
Leave one simple job to the rest of the team.
'Ey up! We're a team.
Guess who's captain.
Hold this a minute.
Is it dangerous? Of course not! That's what you said about that dog.
Just hold it while I open my purse.
'Ey up! Things must be serious if Foggy's openin' 'is purse.
We've been decimalized .
.
since tha were last in there.
You just stand there and practise your new trousers.
Right, here's 50p.
It's yours.
I don't want to buy it.
All right, 30p.
I don't want to take advantage of you, you've got a bargain.
Ey Norm, you've got a bargain.
Don't ask me to help you out of them trousers.
You're not goin' t'leave me in 'em.
Right, fall in men.
We need some softer ground.
This'll do nicely.
I should think so.
I'm not walkin' much further in these.
It's like walkin' through treacle.
Little flies do it all the time, 'specially when you've just washed yer windows.
Ideal terrain, dirt surface, no traffic to interrupt us.
Now, while I turn my back, I want you to bury this 50p under the surface.
Needn't make a meal of it.
No need to go 6ft down, just under the surface.
But somewhere where it doesn't show, then I'll locate it with the machine.
Here, you're the expert at throwing money down the drain.
I want it back.
Right! Proceed burial party.
Don't leave any visual traces.
Don't worry.
There won't be any visual traces.
I don't want to see where it is.
Oh you won't be able to see it.
Is he ready Clegg? Oh yes.
I think he's ready.
Right, headphones on.
Stand back, here I come.
When I pass this machine over the coin, I shall hear a high pitched sound.
If he passes the machine over the coin where it is now, we shall ALL hear a high pitched sound.
Well, it keeps him quiet.
It's very restful.
He's much easier to live with when he's connected to machinery.
Suits 'is personality.
You're right.
Thought I was onto something.
I feel I'm getting warmer.
It's not just the noise it makes, you get an instinct in your fingertips.
HORN BLOWS 'Ow can 'e find 50p? 'E can't even detect a flamin' Land Rover! But it's only a short-wheel-based Land Rover.
HORN HOOTS LOUDLY Get away! What's the matter now? I think I'm just getting something.
Aye, more than tha realises! Get off! I wish you wouldn't distract me.
What are you fretting about now? The next move is very important.
LONG HOOT Well, that move certainly looked important.
Huh! There's something very basic about the rural sense of humour.
Fetch the coin, we'd better make sure the machine's working.
Thank you.
Now, I'll just Oh funnyvery funny.
I were goin' t'bury it, but it were too painful in these trousers.
Clegg could've given you a hand.
Not on his trousers.
I draw the line at his trousers.
It's been a weird enough day already.
Look, stand back.
Now, when I pass the machine over the coin.
I should get a high pitched sound.
LOUD NOISE AARGH! It's like getting y'teeth filled.
Well, it works all right.
A little powerfully perhaps.
We'll lower the volume a bit.
Clegg, you bury the coin this time.
LOUD NOISE Well, it really works! You've got a snip of a machine Clegg, yer lucky devil.
How lucky can you get? Come on, let's go back to the cafe.
We'll show 'em! I'll do it, I'll do it! You are a complete novice.
It's my screw.
Stop tuggin' about! And mind those new cups.
I don't want any more breakages.
Oh very well, let him do it.
How will I know when it finds it? You'll know all right, Sidney, you'll know.
VERY LOUD NOISE Arrgh! CRASH OF CROCKERY Well, he found the screw then.
Oh yes, give the man his due.
He found the screw.
But 'e buried it again under bits of crockery.
See what a marvellous tool this is in skilled hands.
Think of all those bits of history waiting to be discovered.
LOUD NOISE Oh! I've got something! It looks like it's incurable.
Dig it up! It might be Roman! Norm, watch these trousers.
SOUNDS OF DIGGING AND GROANING Arghit's an old beer can.
Ingenious beggars, them Romans! It's Tetley's.
Gaius Julius Tetley! I like it.
Me too.
Let's go and 'ave one.