Married with Children s06e06 Episode Script

Do we have the munchies? Well, how does a nice salami, goat cheese peanut butter and crayfish sandwich sound? Now, I wonder where we could dig one of those up.
Well, lookie here.
Look out below.
Something's missing.
Here's your ice cream, Mom.
Tabaki and clam.
That's the missing ingredient.
Well, it's not for me, it's for the baby.
What's she carrying in there, a chain-smoking otter? Damn, they always put the clams on the bottom.
Oh, Mom, we saw something very interesting on the way home today.
We saw some pregnant women coming out of the supermarket and they were pushing carts filled with that - Oh, God, what do you call it? - Groceries.
Yeah.
So we'd like to see exactly where Dr.
Spock says that pregnant women can't feed anyone named Bud or Kelly.
I think it's page 15.
Hey, don't pull that with us.
Bud can read, you know.
Can't I enjoy the motherhood experience without you two children yapping at my heels? Well, I say that the born have rights too.
Bud and I are one girl who has had enough.
- Now feed us.
- All right, you little ingrates.
The two of you may share a spoon of my tabaki ice cream.
Yeah, I don't want any tabaki ice cream.
I still have my pride.
I'm not putting anything that disgusting in my Hey, dog food.
I remember this brand.
It's got extra horse.
- Hey, well, why isn't Buck eating any? - He hasn't eaten for three days.
The poor guy.
Well, here.
To your health.
Harriet, Ricky, David.
I have a little announcement.
We're gonna have to start tightening our belts.
We can still keep the help, can't we, Papa? Sure, just keep eating that dog food, oblivious to the problems of the world.
But from now on, I'm gonna need every nickel we got around here.
Al, you haven't said anything to the baby.
I'm sorry.
Get a job.
Anyway, mall employees are no longer allowed to park in the free parking lot.
I have to park on the street two blocks away where the city has thoughtfully installed new one-hour parking meters.
Yep, I guess they figured that parking for free and working for a shoe store was arousing too much jealousy.
Gee, I sense a keen "remember when" speech coming.
Remember when you could park on the street for free in this country? Am I the only one that senses that, slowly but surely our freedoms are being taken away? The freedom to park.
The freedom not to fasten your seat belt.
To not have to worry about having a working muffler.
Back then, you knew a man was coming by the black smoke belching out the back of his American car as he tossed beer cans and french-fry packages out the window.
Now how's a man supposed to have fun? By being with his family? I weep for this country.
That's very touching, honey.
Now rub my feet.
Peg, I wouldn't rub your feet if a genie popped out of them.
But be warned about this, I don't wanna hear about anybody's problems.
Nothing is going to get me off this couch.
Dad, I think Buck is sick.
My baby? What's the matter with my hairy man? We've been married for 20 years and that's just starting to bother you now? I was talking about the dog, Brunhilde.
Well, what's wrong with him? I don't know, he hasn't eaten in days.
Well, I'm running low on foodstuffs, so maybe you guys could go out Hey, there's a new pet shop in the mall.
Why don't we go down and see if we can get Buck a different dog food.
On your way back, could you stop at Ox Kebab and bring me back a John Madden with the works.
Did your mother say something? - Who knows.
- Who cares anyway.
Who cares.
So they have all this time for the dog and none for me.
Does that mean I rank below an animal? Yeah.
These are frail times for us both.
You know, I tell you, by the way they act you'd think that we were unpleasant to be around.
By the way, did you bring the gas tablets? Well, didn't you bring any for you? I got boxes of that stuff at home.
Jefferson eats it like candy.
He's having a sympathetic pregnancy.
It's the cutest thing.
Well nobody better pull my finger.
Did you finish painting the nursery, honey? I couldn't.
Every time I'd go up the ladder, I'd have to go pee.
Then I'd sit there and nothing would happen.
Look, my feet are all swollen.
They're big as tubs.
I just wanna cry.
I'm just so happy.
God, he's good at this.
Tell me about it.
He felt his baby kick before I did.
Yeah, I did.
Is Al feeling anything? Well, just the pride any man would feel who has to ask his son for an allowance.
My uterus hurts.
Wow, he is good at this.
You know, I just think it's beautiful how your husband shares your pain.
It is.
He's a wonderful man.
I am.
Touch me, Marcie, I wanna feel your warmth.
Good news, Dad, the D'Arcys are here.
Kids, take a good long look.
This is worth a thousand condom commercials.
All right, let's feed Buck, unless they've already eaten him.
- Rub my belly.
- Rub my belly.
Rub my belly.
Kids, don't look back.
We'll all be salt.
Come on, Buck.
We got you some new food.
Look, cat parts.
You can taste the meow.
Come on, boy.
Tell Daddy what's wrong.
Tell me.
- AI? - What, boy? It's me, you Milk Dud.
Well, look, I wanna know right this minute why your feet aren't swollen and you never complain about your breasts.
Yeah, Daddy, why? Well, Peg, if you don't have them, they can't hurt.
Tell them, Marcie.
Kids, I know what will be good for Buck: A nice ride in the fresh air.
- Yeah.
- Come on, let's go.
- Come on, boy.
- I'd like to go out into the fresh air.
- Did your mother say something? - Who knows.
- Who cares anyway.
- Come on.
Gee, what if they love Buck more than me? Oh, well, that's just impossible.
You ought to see Buck, Peg, with his head sticking out the window just like you used to do.
Well, I'll tell you one thing, I'm glad he's not my husband.
I know I haven't treated you like I should but it doesn't mean I don't care about you.
Things will change from now on.
You know I always loved you.
I don't know what's wrong with him, Peg.
Well, maybe he wants both my pillows.
Comfy, boy? You want Mommy's robe? Okay, Dad, look.
We got Buck a hot-water bottle and some new doggy toys.
Well, did you get my tushy loofa? No.
Now, listen.
Good news.
Buck's vet says there's nothing wrong with him.
He thinks he might feel neglected with the baby coming and all.
Look, kids, let's cheer Buck up.
Get on the bed.
- Okay.
- Okay.
Now, let's all make funny faces to Buck.
- Okay.
- Okay.
If I don't get some attention real soon, I'm leaving.
Come on, boy.
Well, I mean it.
I'll go.
Hey, I got a good idea.
Let's go downstairs and get us some dog food, show Buck how it's done.
- I like that stuff.
It's good, really.
- Come on, boy.
- Let's go and get some grub.
- Now, wait a minute.
I need some attention.
I'm pregnant.
All right, fine, then I'm leaving.
If you love that dog so much, just Just go to him when you need to know Oh, well, it doesn't matter, because I'm leaving.
Did Mom say something? - I don't think so.
- Mom? Who's that? And that's why I came home to Wanker County.
I'm just so happy to be here.
I needed to be around some normal people, Cousin Eb.
And since when do we talk when a man's got his bag on? Now, what were you gonna say? Well, what I wanted to say was that I thought a saw fly dive right into your feedbag.
What do you think the rotten meat's in there for? In case they're not serving anything at the embassy party you'd like.
Clever bon mot, Cousin Peggy.
So where's Mom? She's over at Stumptown for the Festival of the Big'uns.
- Where's Dad? - Oh, you know your pa.
We keep telling him it's okay to come down, Ma's gone but he's saving all his courage for a real run.
Well, I better go say hi.
I was always his favourite.
He'll be glad to see me.
Hi, Dad.
I'm here.
It's Peggy.
Well, he must have thought you were your ma.
He threw down her fork.
And her knife.
Well, I wanna be comforted.
I had a long bus trip and all I had to eat was my lunch and the lunches of the elderly who dozed off near me.
And I left home because I just wasn't getting enough attention.
So now that I'm here, I wanna be loved.
If you can do it for a hen named Charo, you can do it for me.
Listen to that tongue.
You can still shrivel a man like a three-hour bath.
Well, don't fret, Cousin Peggy.
I called a family meeting.
We're gonna take good Wanker-care of you.
It's Possum Boy! Oh, Possum Boy.
How have you been? I got run over by one of them new Mustang cars today.
So you still like to lay down in the roads in the afternoon? Heck, you never grow out of that kind of stuff.
I love the scent of the hot tar the hypnotic spell of the headlights bearing down on me and the feeling of flight when you go bouncing off that grill.
I'll tell you, you city folk can keep your Disneyland because there, when the ride's over you don't wake up in a ditch next to your breakfast.
Only in America.
Hey, it's Young Kit and his new bride.
Hi there.
Cousin Effie.
Why, you got married again.
That's the fifth time, isn't it? Well, they keep dying on me.
That's why, this time, I married a young'un.
Come on, sweetie.
Ain't he spry? He's still got all his teeth too.
Show her, honey.
I may have to chew his food but when it comes to loving, thank God he's got six brothers.
Peggy, I hear tell you're from the city.
You got any pictures of breasts? Well, what particular species were you looking for? Is this a family reunion or is this a family reunion? Now, get us something to eat.
Me? Well, I'm pregnant.
I came down here so you could take care of me.
Well, don't you worry, Cousin Peggy, we're gonna take care of you like we take care of all our expectant women.
See that, Cousin Peggy? You're looking better already.
Well, who wouldn't after building a table, changing the oil in the tractor and listening to the old guy pass gas to the tune of "Dixie.
" Now, when do I get something to eat around here? Hey, is that a car passing by? Gosh.
Well, who was that? If we knew, we wouldn't be shooting at him.
All right, I've had just about enough.
Now, I want someone to rub my feet or stroke my hair, or at least give me a stinking sympathy pain or two.
Sympathy pain.
Hear that, Possum? Boy, the city's taken the Wanker out of you, cousin.
That rich city man you married has done spoiled you.
That's what happens when you marry one of them professional men.
I don't care how good you are, no man deserves $3.
50 an hour.
It promotes those high-toned ways.
Ain't nothing but sin in the city, anyways.
I say if you're gonna gyrate naked on tables for money you should do it for the family.
- Hear, hear.
- Hear, hear.
Now, look, I just travelled 200 miles and 100 years back in time to come and be with you people.
The least you can do is give me something to eat.
- How about some bacon? - Oh, yes, please.
You know where the hog pen is.
Come on, Buck, open the hangar.
Look, Daddy likes it.
Now you try.
It's no use.
I mean, it can't be the dog food.
Dad's been gobbling it up for days and he's healthier than he's ever been.
Right, Dad? Well, I'm finally home.
You went out today, Mom? I've been gone for a week.
Didn't you get my note? I left it on the refrigerator.
Now, why would we go in there? Well, it doesn't matter.
Anyway, I learned two things.
One, trying to hike your skirt up to get a ride doesn't do much for you when you're six months pregnant.
And two, this is where I belong, with my family that loves me.
You really didn't notice I was gone? Of course we noticed you were gone.
How could we miss you, Mom? Was she really gone? Never mind.
Thanks, kids.
It's good to be home.
Now, let's say we celebrate by doing something as a family.
Hey, that's a good idea.
We've been cooped up in here for days.
What's say we get some fresh air? Who'll throw me the Frisbee? - I'll throw it.
- Good.
Oh, it's a happy Daddy, it's a happy Daddy.
Well, it's good to be home again and see things are back to normal.
You know, I just wish someone around here would appreciate me and know what I'm going through.
Just one lousy, stinking sympathy pain would be enough.
But I guess that's my fate, to bear my burden alone.
Alone? Look at these nipples.
My paws are bloated.
They k eep shoving food in my face, when all I need is a hug.
God, I just wanna cry.
Boy, your paws are as big as tubs.
Yours too.
Mom.
Mom.
Mom.
Come quick.
Dad's chasing the D'Arcys' car down the street.