Mike & Molly s06e06 Episode Script

1 (sighs) Hi.
Did you have a good day, darling? No, I did not.
It is a free-for-all out there.
The homeless are brawling with the runaways.
The pickpockets are fighting with the jaywalkers.
Even the hookers are surly, and they're paid to be nice.
You know what that is? Mercury is in retrograde.
What the hell does that mean? You're gonna have to ask Joyce.
All I know is I can't touch her till the new moon.
Well, thanks for the heads up.
What's for dinner? Gals have been out all day.
You're on your own.
Again?! Yep.
I went with a handful of peanuts and a can of beets.
Remind me of that tomorrow if you hear me freaking out in the bathroom.
You know, I never said a word when Molly was writing her book and I had to fend for myself.
Like an animal.
Like an animal! But I can't remember the last time she's written anything.
Keeps saying she's gotta recharge her batteries.
I'm starting to think that's code for: "You're on your own, chump.
" What code? That's literally what Joyce said to me on her way out.
(Molly and Joyce and Victoria laughing) I don't believe you! Hey, honey.
Ah, look who's back.
I'm glad you're here.
What would be the coolest thing for the Flynn girls to come home with? Dinner.
MOLLY: Nope! Ta-da! (laughing) Where did that come from? 34th and Flynn.
Now it's just 34th.
(laughing) Ah, I'm glad you guys had a good time vandalizing the city that I work all day to protect.
We did.
Thank you for your service.
(chuckling) Did you get any writing done? As a matter of fact, no.
I tried, I failed, I drank, but tomorrow's another day, or the day after that.
You can't really rush these things.
Can't you? What? Well, if you hit another wall with your writing tomorrow, maybe, instead of running around town with the good time girls, you could, I don't know, put a hot meal on the table for your husband, when he gets home.
Did you actually say what I think you just said? I did.
Do you have any idea how insulting that is? All right, it came out wrong, but don't listen to my words, listen to what I'm saying.
What are you saying? I'm hungry! So you want your little woman to hop to in the kitchen.
Look, it has nothing to do with the fact that she's a woman.
If I was married to a man, I'd expect the same thing.
Ah! If I were married to a man, I'd expect that he could survive one night on his own.
It's been more than one night.
Poor thing! Look at you withering away.
Again, that's not what I'm saying.
Well, then, what are you saying? Yeah! Yeah.
Vince, help me out here.
I'm not part of this.
I had a handful of peanuts for dinner, and I'm very happy.
La, la-ba-dee-da La, la-ba-dee-da For the first time in my life I see love I see love For the first time in my life I see love Everything okay over there? (grunts) I'm fine.
You're not fine.
You been picking at your pants all day.
What is it, jock itch? Ringworm? Chapped crack? Molly didn't get a chance to get the laundry done, so I am wearing a swimsuit for underwear.
You told me you didn't own a swimsuit.
I am not going to the water park with you, Carl! She's at home all day, doing nothing, and I gotta go to work with my testicles in a net.
You-you-you can't do laundry? Do you see a washer or dryer in the squad car? She's at home, she should do it.
Yeah, say that too loud, and those testicles will be out of the net and dangling from her rearview mirror.
That's not what I meant.
Wh-When did everybody get so touchy? Uh, late '60s, early '70s.
The war of the sexes is over, baby.
SAMUEL: Yeah, he's right.
All men have left now are higher wages, a monopoly on running corporations, and control of women's reproductive rights.
This is not a man-woman thing.
This is a husband-wife thing, okay? When Molly was writing her book with my mom, I was a team player.
I happily threw a load of wash in.
Happily? Hey, I wasn't Mary Poppins, but I got it done.
But she hasn't written anything in over two weeks.
At what point do I get to say something? You? Never.
Not because you don't have a point, but because you lack the vocabulary to say it in a tactful way.
Eh, it's a very sensitive issue, and you're about as delicate as a rhino on roller skates.
Yeah, I was picturing a bear on a beach ball, but I think we saying the same thing.
SAMUEL: Yeah, yeah.
Oh! One of my barnacles is tangled in the net.
How's the writing going? So far, all I've written is three pages of S's.
I fell asleep on the keyboard.
Is the story about a snake? Yeah.
You know what the sequel's called? Shhh Sweetie, maybe you need a little break from the writing.
You know, get some fresh air in that cigar bar up the street.
You can bring your laptop.
Maybe you'll pass out and write another story.
No! Do not do this to me again.
What? Is it so wrong for a mother to want to spend happy hour with her two daughters? Every day? Yes.
Uh, even if I wanted to, I got all this laundry to do.
If you do that, you're saying Mike's right.
Well, if I don't do that, I gotta keep wearing these bike shorts for underwear! Look, if all you're worried about is laundry, we can do that, no problem, and still enjoy mother-daughter mudslides.
We can? Absolutely! I got a system for getting it done quickly and painlessly.
Vince! What, i-is there a new moon? Hey, I'm home! Wow! Somebody has been working on her creases! Thanks for noticing.
Hope you don't mind, I went with a Swedish cuff.
Very versatile with one simple flip, it can take you from the couch to the conference room.
Where's Molly? Ah, she went out for drinks with Joyce and Victoria.
And she pawned the laundry off on you? Are you kidding? I love doing this.
Ironing is very Zen.
The wrinkles are your problem, the iron is your solution and your hand is well, well, your hand.
You know what this is? This is a deliberate "screw you," from Molly, to me.
I'm sensing a lot of anger from you.
Trust your senses.
Boy, if anyone needs to iron, it's you.
Five minutes in, your blood pressure drops, your heart rate slows, huh? Come on take a vacation.
You really want to put that in my hand right now? Suit yourself.
See ya on the other side.
Om (inhales deeply) Om (sighs) (groans) Mm-mm, not good.
(Molly, Joyce and Victoria talking and laughing) MOLLY: Hey! Aloha! Oh! What's that stench? It's my dinner.
Lentils, the saddest of the soups.
I hope you guys had fun! JOYCE: Oh! We had a blast! Molly won a trivia contest, I came in third in the limbo, and Victoria placed first in the wet coconut bra contest.
I can't take all the credit.
They did most of the work.
And I'm eating a can of crap that's been here since I moved in.
Guess we're all winners tonight! Well, no one's forcing you to eat old soup.
There's always peanuts and beets.
(all laughing) Did you do anything productive today? I guess you didn't see that the laundry got done.
Oh, yeah.
I saw Vince did a real nice job with what you were supposed to do.
What I was supposed to do? (gasps) All right, Coconuts, that's our cue.
Good, 'cause the fumes from that Porta Potti soup are getting to me.
Hey, that stink is my dinner! That I had to make myself.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I didn't realize that my job was to cook you dinner and be the perfect little wife.
Well, if it was your job, you'd probably be fired.
What? You heard me.
I'm taking my sad, stinky soup to-go.
(snorts) (brightly): Good morning.
What's going on? Breakfast in bed for the king of the castle.
(giggles) Coffee, eggs over medium, fresh-squeezed juice and I removed the pulp with a strainer, because your perfect little wife knows how angry you get when things aren't just so.
All right, what'd you do to it? Spit in the orange juice, wipe the toast on the floor? Nonsense.
Why would I ever do such a thing, husband? Knock it off.
Have I done something to displease you, husband? Quit calling me husband it's creepy.
Do you prefer master? All right, okay.
I see what you're doing.
You're trying to make me feel guilty for what I said last night.
If you say so.
The man is always right.
But here's something you didn't factor in to your little plan.
Probably not.
Yeah.
I'm hungry.
And guess what? I don't feel bad! I feel good that there's a breakfast in front of me.
How's that make you feel? Well, how do I know how I feel if you haven't told me how I feel? (giggles) Fine.
If that is the way you want to play it, let the games begin.
Mmm, cinnamon toast.
Mmm, you probably buttered this with your shoe, but it's going down sweet.
(laughs) You're smart.
I'm glad you're enjoying it.
And just know that when you're finished, I'll be here ready to make love.
Well, that sounds good to me.
And just like this breakfast, if you don't think I'm gonna enjoy it, you are wrong.
Be with you in a minute.
So what did Stepford Molly pack you for lunch? (chuckles) Shaved roast beef on a hoagie, Mmm.
Fuji apples sliced and skinned ooh.
Plus, Rice Krispie Treat.
Did she use Fruity Pebbles? She yabb-dabba-did.
And this somehow is supposed to make you miserable? Uh, this is a mind game she's playing.
Unfortunately for her, this mind don't play it.
So you're gonna outsmart her by undersmarting her.
Pretty smart, huh? You-you did it.
I mean, you finally broke that wild horse.
You got everything you wanted.
Yeah.
(chuckles) Is something wrong with it? (sighs softly) I don't know how she did it.
What? This is a loveless sandwich.
It tastes of spite in every bite.
Well, now you're just being picky.
Do you want food and sex or do you want love? Oh.
Ah.
"Have an amazing day, husband.
" Wow.
She hates me.
Hey, w-what are you doing on the couch? Shouldn't you be packing Mike's pipe with poison tobacco? No, I'm done with all that.
Mike saw right through me.
Turns out giving him all the food and sex he wanted didn't upset him.
Played me like a cheap carnival game.
Yeah, I know how you feel.
I once lost six games of tic-tac-toe to a chicken.
It's not exactly the same Th Well, yeah, it's exactly the same thing.
Hey, you mind if I set up shop here? Or is that gonna mess with your writing mojo? No, I'm just writing a stupid snake story.
All I got right now is dialogue.
Well, you know what might help with your creative constipation? A little iron in your diet.
Come on, Vince, cut the act.
No one likes ironing.
If you say so.
(humming) Do you really enjoy that? I sure do.
And you know what the icing on the cake is? The look on your mother's face when she opens her closet and sees rows of freshly-pressed blouses, pants and age-inappropriate halter tops.
So you and Botox are the reason she has no wrinkles.
The man behind the woman.
And when I need my hair dyed, she's the woman behind the man.
We each pitch in where we need to.
Yeah, you try not to keep score, but you always do.
Right now, I'm way in front.
Mikey, what a surprise! Hungry or you need my toilet? (chuckles) Can't a son just come by and check up on his mother? Sit down.
I'll warm up some lasagna for you.
Oh, you don't have to do that.
Corner piece if you got it.
Yeah.
I know my boy.
Yeah, you do.
Can I get you a beer? Yeah, that'd be nice.
A cold beer after a long day at work.
Yeah, here you go.
See? How hard is this? What are you talking about? Nothing.
I just appreciate the effort.
I'm happy someone's happy to make me happy.
Of course.
You work hard.
You deserve a beer and a hot meal.
Careful who you say that around.
Who, your wife? What, she thinks she's too good to crack open a beer for my boy? It's not that she thinks she's too good to Let me tell you something.
Waiting on you should be the biggest pleasure of her day.
That's a little much.
Nothing's too much for you.
Boy, I tell you, I'd spoil you rotten if we were married.
You know what, Mom, I'm-I'm not as hungry as I thought.
In fact, my stomach just turned.
Really? You don't want anything? Be more than happy to run a hot bath for you.
No, no, uh, like I said, I just came in here to check on you and (chuckles) I should really run very, very far away.
That girl will never appreciate how much I do for her.
Mol, you out here? Under the car.
Why? You're not cutting my brake lines, are you? No.
Although I could.
There are online courses that'll teach you just about anything.
Just to be clear, you didn't, right? No.
Though I did change your oil and swap out your filter and top off all your fluids.
Molly, you didn't have to do that.
I mean, it's totally cool that you did.
But you didn't have to.
I know.
I wanted to.
I felt like pitching in, and I know car stuff is not the most obvious choice, but hey, Vince likes ironing.
Well, I gotta say, you're a lot cuter than the guy at Valvoline.
Cheaper, too.
I work for dinner.
Well, have you tried my famous stinky lentil soup? I have.
Then we should go out.
Yeah, we should.
I'll get my coat.
I am gonna see if I can figure out where all these extra parts go.
Or not.
Hey.
Hey.
Look at you.
Writing again.
Kind of.
I'm on a mechanics' forum.
Apparently some of the parts I threw away were pretty important.
I wouldn't drive the car over 40 till I get this figured out.
My little Pep Girl.
(sniffs) Hey, is that dinner I smell? It is.
You're amazing.
I made a pork loin.
You take off that shirt.
I'm not wasting two hours and a can of Shout wrestling pig juice out of that.
Say what you want, but my mother hit the jackpot when she married that one.
(chuckles) We all did.
Think he knows anything about cars?