Roseanne s06e06 Episode Script

What's that? Dead guy.
Nancy, this is an eating establishment.
Are you crazy? You can't tie up a whole table for four.
He doesn't look very realistic.
Next year i'm springing for a real dead guy.
Well, he looks pretty good to me, Roseanne.
He looks like he died in his sleep.
Give me that knife.
Yes, here at the lunch box, The customer is always right.
Hey, wait.
You're not Leon.
Well Spiders, blood, corpses.
You know, charmed as I am by all your accoutrement, I still feel the need to remove the fake vomit.
Oh, it's wet.
Well, that plastic stuff never fools anybody.
You mean this is-- No.
We just doctored up some of the loose meat.
What did you do to it to make it look like that? Surprisingly little.
Have you decided what you're wearing to dan's lodge party? Well, we were thinkin' that you and me and Dan and Roseanne Would go as the cleaver family.
Oh, yeah, look at this.
I'm beaver cleaver.
And Dan gets to be June cleaver, And you can be ward, and I get to be wally.
I don't know, you guys.
I kinda already had something else in mind.
Oh, my god, you're not going to shave your head And go as that stop-the-insanity woman again, are you? No, but I don't think I should Spend the whole evening with you guys.
I don't think Dan would have a good time.
What are you talking about? I don't think Dan likes me very much.
Well, of course he does.
Look, i'm very sensitive to these things.
I know when someone doesn't like me.
Does it look something like this? When I tell Dan that you said that, He is going to come over here And set everything straight.
He's going to hug you so hard That you're going to be leaking silicone for days.
Then you think he really does like me? Yes, already.
Everybody likes you.
God, you're so annoying.
[telephone rings.]
Lunch box.
Oh.
Hi, Darlene.
Hey, if this is about you not coming home for Halloween, You better have a damn good excuse.
Well, I was in a horrible accident, And i'm just a head.
And? Something came up.
There's this Halloween party here, And the thing is this guy asked me to go with him, And i'm thinking about going.
This isn't like a date or nothin' is it? No, it's no big deal.
Just please don't tell David.
Well, gee, I don't know.
Come on.
It'll be like our little secret, ok? Ok, fine, i'll do this for you, But you remember us when i'm about 80 And I need help getting your dad into his truss.
Hey, mom, thanks for being there.
Yeah, well, it was my shift.
Ok, bye.
Bye.
I cannot believe what Darlene just told me.
She's cheating on David.
I never thought this would happen.
We're like girlfriends.
Well, at least the waiting is over, And I survived my annual Roseanne prank.
Can you imagine the shock When I sat down at my desk, only to discover-- Ooh, oogie, boogie, woogie, boogie, boogie.
[scoffs.]
frankly, Roseanne, I'm disappointed.
What's that? Ah, that's my pranks, dirty tricks, And flat-out mean stuff I plan to do to my loved ones list.
Let's see--David, David, David.
Aha.
Well, you may want to wear a helmet to bed.
Have you figured out what your costume's gonna be For the lodge party? I'm not going.
I mean, if Darlene were gonna be here, I'd give it a try But she called and said that she has to Study for a test on Halloween night.
Well, yeah.
Well, you know, that's school for you.
It's either a test or something else.
So i'm not gonna do anything.
Oh, but, David, You can't not do anything.
This is Halloween.
It's the one night a year Where you're supposed to break all the rules.
And you're a conner now.
I just cannot allow you to sit here at home And be good and nice and well-behaved.
People will begin to talk.
[door slams.]
Hi, honey.
I'm home.
Grr.
Ow! I told you to get salted crackers.
David: i'll be outside.
Ow! Well, what have we here, my pet, Your little prank list? Yes, but you shall never see it.
I'm putting it in the vault.
I'm coming in after it.
Ha ha ho.
Gimme, gimme! Dan? Yes? You should have been at the diner today.
The weirdest thing happened.
Like, right out of the blue, Nancy comes up with this thing where She thinks that you don't like her.
You do so! I'm sorry, Roseanne.
She's the most superficial person I've ever met.
But that's just her facade.
She's rude and selfish.
I know, but inside she's just a scared little girl.
And I know who's scaring her-- A raging bitch on the outside.
That is no fair, Dan.
You know all your dumb, stupid, idiot friends that I hate? I like them.
Hey, Roseanne, I pretend to like Nancy.
Well, then you suck at it, 'cause she's onto you.
Nancy's aware of other people? You're gonna go in there tomorrow, Dan, And you're gonna tell her that you like her, And then you're gonna give her a great big old hug.
Well, then, I'd just have to come home And peel off all my skin.
I'm serious, Dan.
You've got to do it.
Or else it's gonna be two hugs And a nice little poem.
Roseanne, i'm not gonna tell her I like her Because I don't like her.
Well, I know, But that's why you have to go down there And tell her that you like her.
You never tell people that you like that you like them.
The only people that you ever tell that you like Are the people you actually don't like.
Ok, i'll do it.
Really? Course not.
The only things you have to say you're gonna do Are things you have no intention of doing.
So, uh, Dan said that all Nancy ever talks about Is herself.
Well, Roseanne, it is kind of true.
No, it isn't.
What else does she talk about? I don't know.
I never listen to her.
I just saw the saddest thing.
Oh, what is it, Nance? See that old lady over there? The bent gray one? I see her.
I have that same dress.
What was I thinking? I hate it when dan's right.
So what did Dan think about all of us Going as the cleaver family? Oh, he thought it was really cool.
And he thought of a way to make it funnier, too.
It seems as though June, ok, is so mangled That it's take ward, wally, and the beaver To carry what's left of her around in a mason jar.
Wait a minute.
If Dan is going as June, That means he's not part of the group.
I was right.
He hates me.
No, that's not true, Nance.
No, he likes you, Nancy.
It's just, you know, He's not that comfortable in high heels.
Look, if the two of you can't be honest with me about it, Maybe you don't like me, either.
No, we like you, Nancy.
I mean, maybe not right now, But, you know, other times.
Well, if you hate me so much, Maybe I shouldn't work here anymore.
Leon's been wanting to buy my share.
Maybe I should just sell.
Gotcha.
AhHa ha ha.
The whole thing's a prank me and sis here worked up To make you think that us and Dan don't like you.
Ha ha ha ha.
Boo! So Dan does like me, And he's going to come here and hug me? Oh, wellI mean he--he wants to, But i'm just too jealous to let him, you know.
So, instead he's going to pull, Like, this great all-time prank on you.
On me, really? Oh, oh, yeah.
Huge.
It'll be huge.
Really embarrassing, too.
Feel better? I am so touched, I could cry.
Back in a sec.
I love to watch myself cry.
Is Dan playing a trick on Nancy? He is now.
Hi, Mrs.
Conner.
Hi, Jackie.
Hi, guys.
Who's the skirt with David? Huh, nice rack.
Hello, David.
Hello, david's little friend.
This is sally knopp.
She's on the Halloween dance committee, And she asked me to draw some posters.
So we came here Where you areTo work.
'cause, uh 'cause that's what we're doing Workin'.
I knew you'd be here.
Can we get some pop, please? Well, he says that they're working.
Oh, yeah.
Right.
Well, you've gotta feel really guilty.
You're the one that told David To do something for Halloween.
I didn't know he was going to do her.
Well, what did you think he was gonna do? I don't know.
I just didn't think it was fair, you know, Him sittin' there all alone.
I want him to have some fun.
Darlene's goin' out with some other guy.
How the hell was I supposed to know He could get a date with a normal girl? You should have seen me.
I looked so sad.
I'm so excited about Dan's prank.
I can't wait to see how I look surprised.
[telephone rings.]
David, here's your drink.
Here, sally.
[ring.]
Oh, sorry.
Lunch box.
Hey, mom.
Oh, hiUh, caller.
It's Darlene.
Oh.
Uh, listen, I just made a decision about something.
And I wanted to talk to somebody who'd understand.
When I thought about goin' out With that other guy it made me realize How much I love David.
I would just feel too guilty dating anybody else.
Yeah, yeah, that guilt'll really eat you up.
You know, mom, I think it's really cool The way we can talk to each other now.
Well, yeah, good.
I hope you remember this, For, you know, in case you ever Get, like, in a big fight or anything.
Do me a favor.
Keep an eye on David.
Make sure he's happy.
Yeah, happy.
Ok, sure.
Will do.
All right.
Talk to you later.
Well? Well, Darlene says She's not gonna go out with this other guy after all Because she just realized how much she loved David.
Oh, and now david's with another girl.
And you're the one that pushed him into it.
Man, i'd hate to be in your shoes right now.
You know, I hope your baby Doesn't grow really long fingernails, 'cause sometimes they like to hang on on their way out.
Well, you know, Dan, i've been thinking, And I got way too mad last night, And I was really a pain.
And i'm sorry, And blah, blah, blah-- love, Roseanne.
No way.
Whatever you want, I ain't doing it.
Why, Dan, your suspicion truly hurts me.
After I was so nice to you, too.
Gee, I wonder what you can do To make it up to me.
I know! You can play a prank on Nancy.
God beat me to it.
Dan, if you don't play a prank on Nancy To show her that we all like her, She might sell her shares of the restaurant to Leon, And then he would be my boss again.
And this affects me how? Maybe you forgot what i'm like When I work for Leon.
[whistles.]
Don't care for that.
[giggling.]
What the hell is that? Hey! You think you would at least ask Before you go gettin' into my cheese puffs.
Maybe they were for dinner.
Sorry.
Do you want me to go out and get some more? No.
Don't bother.
I'll just have to make chicken now or something.
You done with your posters? Well, yeah, but now we're working on costumes.
See, we're going to the Halloween dance together As Romeo and Juliet.
Six months after the suicide.
Do you want to stay for dinner? We're not having dinner.
I think i'm just gonna go.
Aww Call me later? Yeah.
Promise.
Gee, do you like her? Gee, do you have to cheat on my daughter Using my couch and my cheese puffs as your wooing tools? I'm not cheating on Darlene.
Sally's a friend.
You're the one who's making me Go out on Halloween.
Yeah, but I didn't know you were Gonna go out as a horny teenager.
I'm telling Darlene.
You can't.
Yeah, hey, mothers report back About cheating boyfriends, David.
It's in the bible.
Try reading it.
Come on, i'm just going to the Halloween dance with her.
Besides, Darlene bailed on me.
Well, she had that test.
All right, Mrs.
Conner, fine.
Go ahead and tell her.
But if you do, i'll know that you lied About me being a part of the family 'cause you'd never screw over one of your own kids.
D.
J.
, come here! Excuse me.
D.
J.
, you know that girl in your class That you hate and that you call the warthog? What did I ask her to do? To kiss me.
And did she kiss you? Yes.
And did I have any reason at all for doing so? No.
You can go play.
So, you were saying? [banging.]
Does this bother you? Yeah.
Good! How's this? It's ok, but it's not Nearly as good as the sound I can make With this pan and a kid's head.
Aah! Aah! Aah! Hey, hey, did you do that for Halloween, 'cause it looks pretty good.
Do what? Wear them glasses.
Cut the crap, lady.
All right, everybody do as I say and you won't get hurt.
Put your hands on your head.
Ohh.
The great big robber gonna scare me With his itty-bitty gun.
I said put your hands on your head, lady.
I know, but you didn't say "baldy says" first.
I'm serious! And stop looking at my face.
i'm looking, i'm looking i'm memorizing everything Roseanne! What are you doing? Isn't it obvious? I'm getting a prank pulled on me.
I'm being robbed by daddy warbucks.
Shut up! Everyone, give me your money and jewelry, And you, open the register.
Ok, but there's not a lot of money in there, So I guess i'll have to give you The keys to my house, too.
You know, it's 714 Delaware Street.
Lady, this guy's serious.
Oh, well, then i'd better give him my wedding ring, too.
Roseanne, that really wasn't a prank! Oh, please.
It reeks of Dan.
Wrong! That's dan's prank.
Show her, sam.
Is there really any point in doing this now? I mean I'm a little upset.
Show her! Oh, no, my god There's something wrong with this meat.
I'm gonna be sick.
Ohh Aah! Aah! Ah ha ha.
Are you serious? Why didn't you tell me? I did! I gave him my wedding ring.
Would you please call the police, And i'll try to see where he went.
Ah ha ha ha! Ah ha ha ha.
I knew it.
I told you I knew it.
All along I knew it.
Stupe-nagle.
Not bad.
Not bad? It was great.
Yawn.
See you at work, Dan.
I got a delivery to make.
Good one, Dan.
Ha ha ha ha.
Ha ha ha! Stupe-nagle? So I hope you have Nancy's prank all ready.
Yeah, I do.
Yeah? And i'm keeping it right here.
[whistles.]
Heh heh heh heh! That ain't no prank.
Well, it fooled you, So it's bound to mystify her.
That's all she's getting, Roseanne.
I ain't gonna waste no killer prank on Nancy.
She's not worth it.
I don't like her.
Oh, man.
Hey, Nancy, wait.
You don't understand.
You know, Dan-- Oh, my god! Ohh Oh, I get it.
It's my prank.
You should go look at your face And see how surprised it looks.
Go, go.
Look, he's still going.
You really do like me, and I like you-- Aah! Eww! I hope this fake stuff washes off.
[whimpering.]
Ha.
You're funny, Dan.
Ha ha ha.
Come on, i'll take you to the emergency room.
Man, i'm never going to the hospital on Halloween again.
Oh, come on, Dan, When else can you get your nose set by a ninja turtle? You went too far this time, Roseanne.
You really embarrassed me.
What's this? [gasps.]
David brought that girl over here again? They're not in the living room.
They better not be down in his room.
Wait a minute-- oh, man.
Don't go down there all crazy and everything.
Surprise! Darlene, you're home! Darlene, we didn't know you were coming home.
Why are you guys acting so weird? Did I interrupt some sort of creepy sex thing? Uh, yes.
Come back tomorrow.
Well, I just came to see David.
Is he downstairs? Ohh! This is David.
He's going as your dad.
He's just trying to get the nose right.
David's with that Sally girl.
What Sally girl? Uh, sally girl, you know, That's one of those a new kids' expression For a guy's friend.
You know, like homeboy.
Yeah.
Right now, David's downstairs Hangin' with his Sally girl Mike.
No, he's not.
Sally's his new girlfriend.
They were kissing on the couch for, like, a million hours, And then they went downstairs.
Don't move.
All right, young man.
Who taught you to tell the truth? Sally: aah! Stop it! You're hurting her! You whore! Darlene! You tramp! You slut! Aah! Aah! Aah! Happy Halloween.
Sucker! Sucker! Sucker! [everyone laughing.]
Shut up, all of you! You scared the hell out of me.
Pranks are supposed to be funny.
I'm sorry, Mrs.
Conner.
It was my idea.
I just wanted to be part of the family.
Oh, well, then I guess i'm proud of you.
Now, give me that head.
Come on, we'll go over to jackie's.
[demonic laughter.]
oh, yeah [demonic laughter.]
oh, yeah [demonic laughter.]