Seinfeld s06e06 Episode Script

I never figured out why they make these bizarre toilet seats.
You know? Like those clear Lucite ones with all the coins in it? It's a lovely tribute to our past president.
It's not bad enough Lincoln got shot in the head, we gotta drop our pants and sit on it too.
It's just incomprehensible that you would buy a thing like this.
You install it on your toilet seat.
And this says what about you? I can't afford to throw money down the toilet, but look how close I am.
I cannot believe Lindsay's seeing you after that Breakfast at Tiffany's thing.
I think she finds my stupidity charming.
- As we all do.
- Yeah.
Anyway, she's having some kind of a family lunch.
I'll swing by after.
- So you gonna meet the mother? - I'll zip in.
"How do you do?" - Zip out.
She'll love me.
- You're good with the mothers.
You know, I'm better with the mothers than I am with the daughters.
- Maybe you should date the mothers.
- If I could talk to the mothers and have sex with the daughters, then I'd really have something going.
- You've got something going.
- Yeah.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- You got a hammer? - What do you need a hammer for? I got this new poster, 3-D art.
Computers generate it.
- Yeah, I wanna see that.
Bring it over.
- I don't have it now.
I gotta pick it up at Mr.
Pitt's.
Elaine was framing stuff for him so she did me a favor.
Wanna take a ride? - No, I don't think so.
- George, you wanna go for a ride? - No.
- Oh, come on! Could you wait until the man finishes.
.
? All right, I've had it with you two.
Hey, guess what? Remember that woman you saw me with? She used to be an Olympic gymnast.
- A gymnast? - Yeah.
She's Romanian.
She won a silver at the '84 Olympics.
A gymnast, Jerry.
Think of the flexibility.
That sex will melt your face.
- Yeah, well, I think I'm bailing.
- Bailing? Kramer, there's always a price to pay for just a sexual dalliance.
Jerry, you should pay that price.
She's Romanian.
What will I talk to her about? Ceausescu? Ch What? Gymnast? I can't believe it.
You didn't tell me she was a gymnast.
What is this? I'm putting my shirt back on.
Back on? What was it doing off? I take it off when I go to the You know, to the office.
What for? Frees me up, no encumbrances.
- Unbuttoned or all the way off? - All the way, baby.
Of course.
Again? Kramer, if you keep getting these attacks you should see the doctor and have it checked out.
Yeah, yeah.
- You always take the shirt off? - Always.
I tell you, knowing you is like going into the jungle.
I never know what I'm gonna find next, and I'm real scared.
Elaine, I need you to proofread this report for my meeting with the Poland Creek bottled-water people.
- What meeting? - I told you.
I sit on the board of trustees for Morgan Springs and we're trying to acquire Poland Creek.
Are you using a fountain pen? - Yes.
- They smear.
Under no circumstances is ink to be used in this office.
All right, I'll use a pencil, Mr.
Pitt.
- Elaine.
- Come in.
Come in.
Yeah.
Hi, right there.
Yeah.
- That's not it.
- Kramer, it's that - There she blows.
- Kramer? Kramer, could you do this at home? I don't think - I've got work to do, okay? - These are nice corners.
Elaine, did I hear.
.
? This is very odd.
Yeah, it's 3-D art.
Computers generate them, big computers.
Yes, I've heard about these.
How do they work? You blur your eyes like you're staring straight through the picture and you keep your eyes unfocused.
Then Yeah! - I don't see it.
- It's a spaceship surrounded by planets, asteroids.
- I still don't see it.
Okay.
Kramer, that's enough.
Mr.
Pitt has got work to do.
You ever dream in 3-D? It's like the boogeyman is coming right at you.
- A spaceship, where? - Right in here.
Just keep your eyes unfocused.
- Oh, Mama.
- Kramer, what's wrong? - Mama.
- Kramer, are you okay? I think I got to go to the doctor.
Oh, Mama! How long does it usually take? George, it is so nice to finally meet you.
And I'm sorry we've kept Lindsay so long.
- Mother.
- No, no, not at all.
I have always felt that the most important thing in the world is spending time with family.
Are you and your family close? Very close.
Almost painfully close.
Mother, I'm gonna walk Nana and Aunt Phyllis to the elevator.
George, do you mind waiting one more minute? Mind? Why would I mind? I would love to wait.
Nana, nice to see you.
Nana! Aunt Phyllis, always a pleasure, what a pleasure.
Hey, let's do this again real soon.
I had fun.
- Can I offer you anything to eat? - No, I'm fine.
- Let me help you with these dishes.
- George, you don't have to.
No, I know I don't have to, I want to.
George, you are such a gentleman.
I'd argue if I could, Mrs.
Enright.
Here we go.
All right.
Mrs.
Enright! Mrs.
Enright! Look, there's a spaceship.
That is so cool.
Where is it? - Right here.
- I'm looking there! - No, no, unfocus.
- I am unfocused! Hello? Oh, yeah.
Okay, fine.
He'll be right down.
Car's here to pick you up and take you to the meeting.
Meeting? The Poland Creek merger.
- Why don't you go for me? - How can I go? All they're gonna do is read the report.
Mr.
Pitt, I do not think that is just such a good idea.
Oh, damn this thing! So Ceausescu, he must have been some dictator.
Yes, he was not shy about dictating.
He must have been dictating first thing in the morning.
- I want a cup of coffee and a muffin.
- And you could not refuse.
No, you'd have to be crazy.
- He was a very bad dictator.
- Yes.
Very bad.
Very, very bad.
So let me get this straight.
You find yourself in the kitchen.
You see an éclair in the receptacle and you think to yourself: "What the hell, I'll just eat some trash.
" No, no, no.
It was not trash.
- Was it in the trash? - Yes.
Then it was trash.
It wasn't down in.
It was sort of on top.
- But it was in the cylinder.
- Above the rim.
Adjacent to refuse is refuse.
It was on a magazine, and it still had the doily on.
- Was it eaten? - One little bite.
Well, that's garbage.
But I know who took the bite.
It was her aunt.
You, my friend, have crossed the line that divides man and bum.
You are now a bum.
Hey.
What's with you? I got a stone.
- What stone? - A kidney stone.
What is that, anyway? It's a stony mineral concretion formed abnormally in the kidney.
And this jagged shard of calcium pushes its way through the ureter into the bladder.
It's forced out through the urine.
Boy, that's gotta hurt.
Our shareholders have given basic approval for the merger, including the stock swap.
The stock swap.
Let's swap some stock.
If you'll just give this to Mr.
Pitt and tell him that we expect to be in full-scale production by the spring.
All right.
Hey, you guys, what's the name of the new company gonna be? - Moland Spring.
- Moland? - Yes.
We combined Morgan and Poland.
Yeah, I know, but Moland? I wouldn't drink anything called Moland.
But it was Mr.
Pitt's idea.
Well, what's in a name? I mean, water is water, right? We've got to do something about that name.
No, Lindsay, it was not in the garbage.
It was above the garbage.
Hovering like an angel.
Of course I know your aunt bit it.
I kissed her goodbye.
Listen, can I tell you something else? In my family we used to eat out of the garbage all the time.
It was no big thing.
That's right.
Okay.
Bye-bye.
I'm back in.
She gave me a second chance.
- Good for you.
- Yes.
Good for me.
You know what you should do now? Get her flowers, smooth it out.
Yes.
Flowers.
I will get her flowers.
I will go to the florist.
Behold, the games of the '84 Olympiad.
- Katya's silver-medal performance.
- Kramer, you're still on this? I've seen gymnasts.
I know what they do.
- It's not gonna make any difference.
- Jerry, what is your problem? Kramer, you know, guys like you with no conscience don't know what it's like for guys like me.
I'm in the unfortunate position of having to consider people's feelings.
All right, Jerry, are you familiar with the Kama Sutra? - No.
- Tantric yoga.
- No.
- Jerry, you stand on the threshold to the magical world of sensual delights that most men dare not dream of.
Boy, you can really talk some trash.
I guess that's better than eating it.
All right, why don't we just watch the tape, huh? - Did you pass your stone yet? - Not yet.
But the suspense is killing me.
- Hey, that's her.
- Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah, that's her.
Look at the height, Jerry, the extension.
Watch the tuck, handstand, half turn giant into a straddle, back into another handstand nice kip, reverse hecht.
Nice leg extension.
Good form.
Here comes the big dismount.
Look at the rotation.
Full in, double back, and she sticks the landing.
Perhaps you'd like to keep the tape.
I'll take that as a yes.
Well, here we are.
Yes, we are here.
How did you stay on that beam like that? It's only this wide.
I can balance myself in any position.
It is amazing, after years of training, how one can contort one's body.
Of course, it is only useful in gymnastics.
Oh, boy.
I couldn't believe it.
I thought I was entering a magical world of sensual delights.
It was just so ordinary.
There was nothing gymnastic about it.
What did you think she was going to do? You know, I mean I don't know.
No, what? - Obviously, I prefer not mention any - Did you think she was gonna take some of that chalk and - I really don't wanna get into it.
- Oh, come on.
One thing.
- You know, any kind of specifics.
One thing.
What? Well, frankly, I thought, you know, I was gonna be like the apparatus.
You mean like the uneven parallel bars? - Again, I don't feel like - The balance beam? - Could we stop? - Not the pommel horse.
Let's just drop it.
So let me ask you this.
How long would you say I have to put in now because of, you know, last night? - I don't know, at least three weeks.
- Oh, great.
Jerry, that is such small potatoes.
I think that I may have single-handedly put the kibosh on the big water merger.
- Between Poland and Morgan? Yeah.
Started a big name controversy.
Kramer.
The stone.
What happened? Did you pass the stone? No, I tried to do a reverse hecht off my couch, and I didn't make it.
You call this coffee? Hey! What the hell was that? - I'm terribly sorry.
- Clean that up! Oh, sure.
Of course.
Could you hold these for just a second? Here you go.
Don't worry about a thing.
It's gonna be fine.
Here we go.
Look at this shine.
Look at this sparkle.
Mrs.
Enright! Mrs.
Enright! Mrs.
Enright! Lindsay, I had accidentally spilled coffee on the gentleman's windshield.
Why would I do that? I have a job.
Well, did she see a squeegee? You're not gonna make a dime without a squeegee.
That's right.
Just tell your mother it was all a big misunderstanding.
You won't regret it.
Okay, I'll see you later.
Bye-bye.
Strike two.
- You think I'm going down? - You're behind in the count.
- Hey, what are you doing later? - Going out with Katya, thanks to you.
Well, you know, maybe you should try again.
You know what happens the first time.
People are a little shy, a little reticent.
If I do it again, that extends my payment book another two weeks.
- Where are you going? - The circus.
One of her old Olympic teammates is an acrobat.
- I don't even feel like going out.
- Jerry, it's your obligation, come on.
Yeah, well, if I gotta go and spend time with this girl you're coming with me, Dr.
Cyclops.
- No, I don't wanna go to the circus.
- Yeah? Well, you're going.
But I'm afraid of clowns.
I didn't send you over there to complain about the name.
I couldn't help it.
Moland Springs? I like the name Moland.
I picked it out.
After all those months of negotiating.
- Well, I'm so sorry.
- Well, I'm going riding.
I haven't been on Jenny for three days.
All because of this blasted painting.
- Elaine? - Oh, sorry.
Hello.
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
So, Jerry, you're enjoying the circus? Greatest show on earth.
My father used to take me to the circus.
When the elephants came by, he would scream curses at them blaming them for all the ills of society.
Well, they certainly take up a lot of space.
- Misha.
- Katya.
Misha, this is Jerry.
Yes, the comedian.
Oh, yes.
Yes, I'll tell him.
Yes, thank you.
Hold on, hold on.
Mr.
Pitt? I think I'm on to something.
Mr.
Pitt, the board of directors is on the phone.
They've called an emergency meeting.
You need to be there to discuss the merger.
You said keep your eyes out of focus, which is misleading.
You want deep focus.
Yes, hi, okay.
Fine.
Yeah.
Hold on just a second.
Let me just Yeah, I've got it Yeah, he'll be there.
Mr.
Pitt, you have got to stop staring at that poster! I see something that could be a spaceship.
Is it round? Is it pointed? No! You don't see it, and you're never gonna see it! Mr.
Pitt, you have to meet with the shareholders.
You have to leave now.
Do you hear me? Do you hear me? My goodness.
What's happened to me? - When's the meeting? - In about 20 minutes.
Do I have time to change? - No.
- Well, excuse me.
I better get straight over there.
- Mr.
Pitt - Yes? - There's a - Is that ink? No.
Well, here we are.
Do you wanna come in? My mother's having a little party.
- Maybe I could just use the bathroom.
- Sure.
Ladies and gentlemen, may I direct your attention to the center ring where the incomparable Misha will balance 10 stories above the circus floor on a wire no wider than a human thumb.
It is time.
Break a leg.
- Show biz.
- Ladies and gentlemen the incomparable Misha! Those capes are really coming back.
Sorry I took so long.
They've got one of those 3-D art posters in there.
It's mesmerizing.
What is that sound? It is horrible.
Anybody see that poster in there? That is weird, wild stuff, huh? I have been accused of wrongdoing but these false accusations will not deter us.
We will annex Poland by the spring at any cost! And our stock will rise high.
The doctor said Misha is going to be all right.
I must go and be with Misha now.
- I don't want you to come with me.
- Why not? It has been three days since our night together.
Misha said that was all the time I needed to put in.
- Really? - In my country they speak of a man so virile, so potent that to spend a night with such a man is to enter a world of sensual delights most women dare not dream of.
This man is known as the comedian.
You may tell jokes, Mr.
Jerry Seinfeld, but you are no comedian.