The Middle s06e06 Episode Script

Since the dawn of time, there has been one truth about men if they can toss it, pass it, dribble it, or throw it, they will.
- Heads up.
- I'm open.
Knock it off, guys.
Stop throwing things in the house.
Why'd you buy fruit if you don't want us to throw it? I didn't buy it.
I took it from the Holiday Inn lobby when I stopped to use the bathroom.
Get open! Another son right over here! Oh, yeah.
Another spudsy check going straight into savings like the rest of them.
Now I know why it's so important to write down your goals because if I didn't have the visual of the Sue-mometer tracking my college savings, I could so easily have blown this at the pillow pet kiosk.
They have this cross-eyed dolphin that is the cutest thing you've ever seen.
Way to stay strong, Sue.
Yeah.
Hey, look alive.
Just trying to be a part of the family.
Okay, so, that's $78 spudsy money, $25 babysitting and hey! I found a dime! No.
It's a button.
But I needed a button! The year of Sue, baby! Oh, I am so proud of you, honey.
And every little bit helps.
Aah! Hey! You almost hit your sister.
Don't worry.
I'll get her next time.
Look alive.
Okay.
No.
Listen.
Cut it out, you guys.
You two are gonna break something.
No more throwing in the kitchen, all right? You know fruit ball never ends well.
Ahh! Aah! Ah! Oh, my God! Here! Here! Get some get something big! Get something! Here! Here! Here! Here! Here! Here! Aah! Good! Turn it off! Come on! Somebody get over here! So, Sue, I called you in because I was going through your records, and I found a little "uh-oh!" "Uh-oh"? Yeah.
Not to worry.
It's nothing.
It's just about you not getting into college.
Uh-oh.
Yeah.
I'm afraid you're short a P.
E.
credit to graduate.
But I shouldn't be short.
I did wrestlerettes.
Extracurricular sports count for one credit.
Oh, that's right.
I forgot you did wrestlerettes.
That would certainly give you your missing credit If it wasn't a pretend sport.
What do you mean, "pretend sport"? Why does cheerleading count, but not wrestlerettes? We do everything they do, and we do it in homemade uniforms in front of confused crowds.
Sue, I don't want you to get stressed out about this.
Every senior gets worried they're not gonna graduate.
Are you saying I'm not gonna graduate? Oh, no! Not without P.
E.
, no, won't.
But I'm applying to colleges.
There's a Sue-mometer.
I already planned how I'm gonna thank my parents on the top of my graduation cap.
Okay, now, don't you worry.
We'll get you all fixed up Unless we can't.
Okay.
Now, you're a couple months behind, but we can slip you out of study hall and slide you right into coach tink Babbit's P.
E.
class.
Really? That'll do it? I'll switch the classes and I'll get the credit and everything will be fine? Yep, not to worry.
Everything will be just fine.
Fingers crossed.
Oh.
I'm sorry.
I didn't know you wanted to die.
I'm gonna die anyway, so you might as well kill me.
I'm intrigued.
You can have one minute.
I broke dad's lawn mower.
I'll start writing your funeral song now.
Plug me back in! Look, I came to you because, of all the family, you're the most evil and conniving.
Ooh! Flattery! I'll give you 20 extra seconds.
Wait.
Why were you even near dad's lawn mower? I was gonna impress Cindy by driving it past her house.
Pbht.
Okay.
There's a lot of issues to deal with in that statement, but first let's deal with the lawn mower, then we'll circle back to your lack of game.
Go on.
Well, the lawn mower wouldn't start, so I opened the lid thing, smacked it with my fist like dad does, but when I did, I smacked the key out of my hand and down into the engine.
I could see it, so I poked around to see if I could fish it out, but I think I might have made things worse.
Easy.
Just blame the Glossners.
If only.
One of the things I jammed in there was a bookmark.
Aw, Brick, seriously? That's like the penguin leaving his umbrella.
I know.
Dad's gonna kill me.
He's already mad about the sink.
Add wrecking his lawn mower to the mix, and who knows what he's gonna do? Ooh.
Hang on.
Hang on.
I think I can help you.
I was saving this one for myself in case I ever got in trouble, but, uh, I'm crazy responsible now, so I'll never need it.
Here's what you're gonna do.
You take dad's wallet.
He'll go nuts looking for it, think somebody stole it.
Then, when he discovers the lawn mower and starts to get mad about it, you run in, say you found his wallet.
You're the big hero.
He can't get mad at you for the lawn mower.
You're welcome.
Now, uh, I'm gonna play you off.
Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
You're not gonna blow it with your whole "I'm lying" thing, are you? Oh, I outgrew that.
Now I just fart when I lie, but nobody notices.
Mm.
That Cindy's a lucky gal.
Well, we've still got a sink.
It's just down there.
The faucet lines and the lines to the dishwasher are busted.
Ugh, not the dishwasher.
I loved the dishwasher.
It's a huge job, Frankie.
I'm scared to start pulling threads here.
I start taking that counter apart, and next thing you know, the garage door won't open.
Okay, hear me out.
It's only a huge job If we fix it.
What are you talking about? Listen, if the sink is at all functional, we don't have to spend the money.
We'll just plug, patch, and work around what's broken.
Isn't that what we've been doing for the past 20 years? We're starting to run out of things to work around.
This sucks, Frankie.
No matter what kind of Frankie spin you put on it, it sucks.
No.
You know what sucks, Mike? That poor guy in Muncie who's just sitting in his recliner when the ground opens up and swallows his house.
Okay, yes, there's a hole where our sink used to be, but I'd rather have a sink hole in my house than my house in a sinkhole.
You sure? I'm kind of jealous he got to sit in his recliner.
Well, you will not believe what happened to me today.
Not if it's something good, we won't.
I met with my college counselor at lunch today, and she told me that wrestlerettes doesn't count for a P.
E.
credit because I "made it up.
" Well, you did kind of make it up.
Yeah, but everything was made up at some point soccer, rugby, golf.
Golf? What even is that? Wait.
Is she saying this is gonna delay your graduating? College or not, let me know.
It'll decide if I use copper or duct tape down here.
Oh, I am graduating.
I-I will go to P.
E.
I will do whatever it takes.
But if they give me any pushback, I will start throwing some serious sergeant-at-arms weight around.
Yep.
Sometimes it's good to be the kid nobody pays attention to.
Everyone thinks gym's an easy "A," all you got to do is show up and put on your shorts.
I mean, you do have to put on your shorts.
It's 10% of your grade.
But if you want an "A," you're gonna have to earn it earn it.
Don't you worry, Coach Babbit.
I will do whatever it takes.
Well, it's gonna take a lot.
We're right in the middle of our unit on tinikling.
What's tinikling? Ugh.
You're kidding, right? So long as you're coordinated, it should be no problem.
Okay, people, let's hustle! Okay, you can turn it off! Thanks, Nancy! No problem! You seen my wallet? - Oh, no.
- Oh, yes.
I can't find my wallet.
I checked my car, my desk.
I-it's not anywhere.
Are you sure you didn't go on one of your cleaning binges, where everything ends up in a different drawer? Oh, you got me.
Place looks amazing, doesn't it? It's really coming together.
Damn it.
All my credit cards are in there, my license.
I've had that wallet since I was a kid.
I love that wallet.
It's one of the only things I care about.
Oh I said "one of the only.
" Well, where did you have it last? That is the world's stupidest question.
If I knew, I'd have it.
Don't get mad at me.
I'm just trying to help.
Well, you're not helping.
This is nuts.
I don't lose stuff.
You're the one who loses stuff.
Hey, I don't lose things any more than anybody else.
Really? Where's the blue bag, Frankie? It's not lost.
We had it when we were at Disney World.
And it's around here somewhere.
Your keys, the checkbook, your sunglasses, the remote, the keys, the snack bag, your keys oh, and don't you say my car.
Did you not lose your car? Okay, you promised we weren't gonna bring that up again.
I admitted it was stupid, - but do we have to - I don't even care about that anymore.
- What I care about is my wallet.
- Do you want me to help you find your wallet? Whoa.
Getting pretty heated in there.
You're not gonna crack, are you? Are you kidding me? I've never felt so alive.
Mm.
This is a nightmare.
How does she expect us to be able to do this? One week to the final, ladies.
You got to make it through your entire routine, or you fail.
A snapped ankle is no excuse.
You can't tank tinikling, not on tink's time.
Heck, get in there! "Wow" us! Ugh! Oh! I thought I told you that's creepy! Slight snag with the plan.
I seem to have misplaced dad's wallet.
What are you talking about? Well, I hid it between the pages of "A Tale of Two Cities," but that was too obvious, so I moved it somewhere.
Long story short, "A Tale of Two Cities" still holds up, and I can't seem to find the wallet.
You've lost dad's wallet and you've read a book you already read before? Those are two of the dumbest things you've ever done, Brick.
Good news, though to make up for the wallet, I stole his car keys.
You did what?! Oh, I never should have wasted my plan on you! I should have given it to some kid from the Inner City who could have used it to make a better life for himself.
Guys, get in here! Breakfast! I'm losing my mind.
Now I can't find my keys.
Oh, no.
Did you check the sink hole? Really not something people should have to say.
Hey, hey, hey, hey! I told you not out of a glass, out of the carton.
My back is killing me from doing floor dishes.
We're using minimal dishes, people.
No unnecessary dishes! Breakfast! Move over.
I need to get to school.
No.
Hey, no skimming! Axl's skimming the top so he can get all the marshmallow charms.
He's gonna get all the luck.
We're drinking from a hose, Brick.
That ship has sailed.
I said move! I need to get there early so I can practice my tinikling so I can pass P.
E.
so I can get to college so I can be the generation that does better than my parents because apparently my entire future depends on whether I can jump through a couple of frickin' sticks! Ugh.
Gah.
Have you ever thought of asking to be the stick person instead of the dancing, tripping, falling person? Aah! Sorry! Ooh.
Sorry.
Really, really sorry.
Can I make one small request? Now that we're washing dishes in the tub, can we not have spaghetti? I told Brick to scrape them first.
What was he, raised in a barn? Ooh, dad, wait.
I need your help with my P.
E.
homework.
Can you do the other end of the sticks with mom? I'm on my way to mow the lawn.
We can't be the house with no sink and no yard, or we're treading into Glossner territory.
Nice try.
You haven't mowed the lawn in a week, and now all of a sudden, you have to do it? If I'm tinikling, you're tinikling.
Get down here.
Okay, so, it's twice on the ground, then once together, then the same again, then the next time, once on the ground, then together, then back to twice, and I dance through it.
- Got it? - This is P.
E.
now? What happened to singling out the weaklings and nailing them with a ball? All right, come on.
One, one, two.
One, one, two.
One, one no, two.
Mike, you got to feel the rhythm.
You're not feeling the rhythm.
Hey, you got me slapping sticks against the floor.
You get what you get.
Okay, now dad's going faster because he's getting mad.
I'm not getting mad.
Just go, Sue! Okay, okay, okay.
I'm going in.
Ohh.
Dah! Well, it's harder than it looks.
Oh, ho! Hoo! Hee! Stop being good at everything! Tell the sun to stop shining! Axl, dad's about to mow the lawn and I can't find his wallet or his keys.
Oh, God, why did I ever listen to you? Hey, stealing dad's wallet, then returning it to him to become a hero was a rock-solid plan.
If you can't pull that off, that's on you.
I should never have done this.
I'm not cut out for a life of crime.
I don't have your deviousness.
Or my good looks, but let's not start naming everything, or we'll be here all day.
Okay, where did you have them last? Why do people ask that? If I knew, I'd have them.
Hey! Dad's wallet! All this time, I thought it was my wallet.
But wait I don't have a wallet.
I'd like a wallet, but I wouldn't keep it in this pocket 'cause I'd forget about it, so I would put it in this pocket.
Oh! Keys! Brick, get in here now! - Uh-oh.
- Show time.
You're on.
Now, uh, remember whatever happens in there, you and me Do not know each other.
Brick, you want to explain what this was doing in my lawn mower and why it's not working now? Looks like somebody who was told not to touch it I found your wallet.
- What? You're kidding? - Hey! I've been looking everywhere for this.
Where'd you find it? By the mailbox In the grass.
I know everyone else kind of gave up, but I stuck with it 'cause I knew how important it was to you, dad.
Huh.
It was just laying there in the grass, huh? Yes.
Yes, it was.
Huh.
Well Well, thanks, Brick.
I was just about to cancel all these credit cards.
No problem, dad.
Oh, and I found your keys, too.
Wait.
You found my keys, too? Yes.
Yes, I did.
Where'd you find them? Well, I Brick, don't answer that! For the love of God, dad, stop asking him questions.
I just mean the point is you got them back, so, uh, who cares about anything else, right? Hmm.
Well, let me check to see if everything is still here.
Ah! The credit card that's making payments on the other two credit cards still here.
That's good.
Oh, come on.
This is the picture you have of me? I look so happy.
You got to get a newer picture.
Oh, hilarious.
You have a blockbuster card.
Hey, get out of my wallet.
Uh, Mike, why is there a picture of Jeannie Phillips behind mine? We used to go out.
Yeah, I know in high school.
- What?! - Classic.
Let's see! - Really? - Come on.
Get out of my stuff.
Whoa, dad.
Hot.
Really fills out a Jean vest.
Hmm? I can't believe you've had another woman against your butt cheek for all these years.
To think every time I've taken money out of his wallet, there was another mom lurking in there.
Look, it doesn't mean anything other than I'm too lazy to clean out my wallet.
I'm with you, dad.
It's good to have a backup.
Look, you should take it out, Mike.
That's what people do.
What if you got in an accident and they're looking through your wallet and they're like, "which one is his wife?" "I don't know.
Which one is she?" Who do you want picking you up from the hospital? Nobody.
Just let me die in peace.
Hey, dad, where's the picture of me? You got mom, other mom, Axl, Brick, Axl and Brick, and limestone, the dead quarry cat? Huh.
Why do you have a "Reservoir Dogs" ticket stub? B-because it's it's meaningful to me, okay? I'm below a stub?! Hey, he has a punch card to the good ice cream store.
You never let us go to the gelato barn because you say it's too expensive.
He's one punch away from a leaning tower of pistachio.
Enough, all of you! Stay out of my stuff.
A man's wallet is private.
Don't mess with that.
That's our will.
This is the death napkin?! - I don't want to see it.
- I want to see it.
Hey! That's not for you guys.
That napkin's for the lawyers.
Wait.
The death napkin's from Chi-Chi's? Hmm, I expected it from somewhere with a little more gravitas.
Come on! Let me see! You guys are gonna kick it soon, and since I'll be in charge, I don't want any surprises.
There's no money.
Surprise! Can we just put the scary napkin away? We are children.
We're not supposed to be seeing this.
I want to see it! I want to know what I'll get! Mom said this is not for us.
Mom's not in charge anymore! She's dead! - Okay.
- Hey.
No.
Axl.
Hey, knock it off.
Why is this still here? Whose job was it to shower with the big cereal bowl this morning? No.
This is horrible.
Now there's no will.
What did it say? It doesn't really matter what it said about me.
I imagine it was gonna be revised anyway to reflect that I'm the finder of the wallet.
Okay, all of you, take it down a notch.
Your mom and I aren't going anywhere.
Unfortunately, we have longevity on both sides.
But what if, you guys? What if? You have to make another will.
Without a will, there will be nothing but fighting and accusations, and eventually, the three of us will stop speaking to each other.
And years will go by, a-a-and our children won't even know their cousins.
And we'll spend holidays apart.
I'll be with my husband and children, and Axl will be across town with his family, each wondering if the other is having a merry Christmas, but each too proud to pick up the phone.
And Brick, who refuses to choose sides, will be eating Christmas dinner all by himself at a Perkins Restaurant, being served by a waitress who feels sorry for him.
You have to make a will, a specific, detailed, who-gets-what, or it'll tear us apart.
I've seen it before.
Look at Casey Kasem's family.
Wait.
Why am I the one being pitied by a waitress? She's the one working on Christmas.
My God, can we start this not-talking thing now? You see how he treats us? Can you imagine if he gets to decide if I get aunt opal's purple cow creamer that you already promised me? Sue, that thing broke years ago.
You say it broke, but did you see it break? Or is Axl looting from the estate already? Doesn't matter.
What matters is I found dad's wallet.
Oh, no.
I see what you're doing.
You're trying to get on dad's good side so you'll get more of the inheritance.
Well, maybe he'd be interested to know he didn't lose his wallet 'cause you took it in the first place! Is that true? - No.
- Don't lie.
Don't you dare lie right now! - It was Axl's idea! - Ah! - He masterminded the whole thing! - I have ideas, yes.
Did I act on them? No! My brain does not think that way! - He's the one who did it! - All right, you want a will? Fine.
You got it.
We'll make a will.
"The last will and testament of Michael and Frances Heck.
" So, what do you guys want? - I'm good.
- Nothing I want.
I can't think of anything off the top of my head.
Well, I guess that's the good thing about not having anything anybody wants there's no fighting Not like that Casey Kasem's family.
And would we like to be somewhere between Casey Kasem's family and people who do their dishes in the shower? Sure.
There's room for improvement.
But maybe we are leaving our kids something good the ability to pull together in tough times.
And that's something you can't put on a napkin.
Okay, Heck, you're up! And remember your routine had better be mastered mastered.
And when I say "mastered," I mean you better bring it bring it.
I stay out too late Got nothing in my brain That's what people say, mm-mm That's what people say, mm-mm I go on too many dates But I can't make 'em stay At least that's what people say I, I, I, I shake it off, I shake it off Heck, you blew my socks off.
"B" plus! All right! Moving on to our next unit gymnastics.
- Sync and Corrections by peterbrito -