Home Improvement s06e07 Episode Script

Does everybody know what time it is? Tool Time! That's right.
Binford Tools is proud to present Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Thank you, Heidi.
Nice crisp autumn afternoon.
Thank you.
I am Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor.
And you all know my assistant, Al "Autumn Boy" Borland.
Well, continuing wall treatment week here on Tool Time, Al and I are doing our salute to wallpaper removal.
How you get rid of your wallpaper depends on what kind you have.
Now, strippable wallpaper is the easiest to remove.
Al's gonna strip now, so those of you with weaker stomachs look away.
You simply pry up a corner and pull down in a Whoa! Oh.
By the way, Happy Halloween, Al.
That was not funny.
Well, apparently the audience laughed for no reason.
There's other ways to remove wallpaper.
That's right.
Electrical steamers, chemical stripping solutions Or my favorite.
Just tear the house down and start all over again.
For the chemical method you use a simple garden sprayer and scoring tool.
- Tim, would you like to do the honors? - Yes, I would.
OK.
Right here you start.
You want to score the wallpaper in a crisscross fashion.
Like this.
All right? Take your chemical sprayer, filled with stripping compound and soak the wallpaper.
Like this - There's no pressure in there, Al.
- There is.
I checked this morning.
You ask a guy to do a job You are the master, Al.
You know, Al, if you're gonna scare The Tool Man you gotta do a better job.
I don't know.
We'll see.
OK, guys, what do you want for dinner? Actually, Brad and I were gonna take care of that tonight.
Wait a minute.
My sons are volunteering to cook dinner? We've already got something in the microwave.
- Vegetarian lasagna.
- Oh! You're not only cooking it, you're cooking something healthy? We haven't started it yet.
Why don't you see if we put enough cheese on it? Sure.
You're so beautiful.
I love you.
I hate you! - Gotcha.
- I hate when you scare me like that.
And yet, we love it.
Well, you've burst the skull again, honey.
You're supposed to poke holes in a severed head before you nuke it.
Brad and Randy nearly gave me a heart attack with that disgusting thing.
They didn't wait for me? Tim, this isn't funny.
They put a rubber tarantula in Mark's underwear, and pumped slime through every slat in Wilson's fence.
- They didn't wait for me? - What are we gonna do about them? Well, what any good parents would do.
Scare the daylights out of them.
"An eye for an eye" is not my idea of good parenting.
I know this is your area and you're the expert here, but let me explain a little about the psychology of Halloween.
This should be good.
Just go with me for a minute.
When a child puts a severed head, real or otherwise, in an oven, they're not doing that to scare you.
They're doing that to reach out.
They're saying, "Mom and Dad, I love you.
Please, please, scare me.
" It would really mean a lot to you if I went along with this, wouldn't it? It's not for me.
It's for the children.
- Can I help you? - I hope so.
My name is Clifford Warren.
I'm in town for a funeral at the Pleasant Lake Mortuary.
Lovely facility.
You need directions or something? I was on my way and I just happened to pass by my old house and I was wondering if I could just stop in and take a look at the place.
You used to live here or something? Oh, yes, with my brother, until the, uh Well, you know.
- What? - The incident! What incident? Guys, what do you think of my chicken? - Yah! - We're thinking of wearing - Who are you? - I'm Clifford Warren.
He was just about to tell us about some incident - that happened when he lived here.
- No incident happened here.
This is a normal American home with normal Americans.
Whatever you say.
Yes, does that crazy man Wilson still live next door? We don't know.
We don't talk to our neighbors.
I think it's about time you left, Mr.
Clifford whatever.
Uh, before I go could I please take a look at the basement? The basement? That's my room.
Oh.
I am sorry.
Well, Clifford, it was nice to meet you.
I'm sure you have other things to do.
You might try getting some sun! Geez, what was that about? It was 25 years ago.
It's no big deal.
Why did Clifford want to see the basement? He probably wanted to take a look at the new furnace I put in.
That was weird.
What do you think that was about? Randy, Randy, Randy, don't you get it? Of course I get it.
What have I got? We put the head in the microwave so Mom and Dad thought of something to get us back with.
I don't know.
Clifford seemed pretty believable.
I've got to admit he was pretty real.
But I still think this is a total set-up.
Easy for you to say.
You're not the one sleeping in the basement.
The guy said he knew Wilson.
Let's talk to Wilson.
If Wilson says he's never heard of him we know it's a scam.
If it isn't I'm switching rooms with Mark.
- Come on in, Larry.
- How did I do? You gave me the creeps and I thought the story up.
Me, too.
I don't know whether to write the check to Clifford or Larry.
Oh, make it out to my other name, "cash".
- Hey, you must be Mark, right? - Yes.
Yeah, I heard about the arachnid in your unmentionables.
Don't worry.
We're gonna get your brothers good.
- Cool.
- All right.
Professional opinion.
- OK.
- How do you like my costume? Well, professionally, it's kind of cheesy.
- Cheesy? - But cheesy is in this year.
I'll tell you what.
I got cheesier stuff out in the van.
I'll bring some clothes in, try them on and take back what you don't use.
- What a guy, what a guy.
Yeah.
- OK.
- Thanks.
- Thank you.
Hey.
Cool fake mucus.
Oh.
Actually, uh, I'm fighting a cold.
Head of monkey, brain of cat, eye of weasel, tail of rat, juice of mugwort, mastic, myrrh, all within the pot I stir.
What's that smell? I'm making a mugwort-based witch's brew.
You boys want a slug? No, thanks.
I'm trying to cut back on my mugwort.
If you boys are here to help me clean my fence you're a bit late.
Sorry we slimed you, Wilson.
Oh, fortunately, it was a water-based slime.
It hosed right off.
Um, listen, have you by chance ever heard of a guy named Clifford Warren? Clifford Warren? - Who wants to know? - You're saying you've heard of him? Unfortunately, I have.
Well, then, you know all about the The incident.
Yes, your parents finally told you.
Yeah, they told us everything about the incident.
Horrible thing, that incident.
One of the worst incidents of all time.
For years that night has haunted me.
The night that Clifford came home on Halloween and discovered that his brother Ezekiel was missing.
And I don't think we'll ever know for sure whether Ezekiel ran away or Clifford murdered him.
- Murdered him? - You did know about that, Randy? No, of course I did.
It's just every time I hear it, it's so shocking.
Clifford swore that he was innocent, but he was so appalled at the accusations that he actually went insane.
And now he's locked up in a mental institution for life.
- Clifford's out.
- He stopped by our house.
He wanted to see our basement.
Randy, Randy, isn't your bedroom in the basement? - This is way too weird.
- That's what people said at the time.
Would you boys like to see a newspaper clipping I saved about the incident? - Yeah.
- Go on in the house.
I'll just put the cauldron on simmer.
Needs more monkey head.
- This is Clifford.
- This is his brother, Ezekiel.
The one he murdered.
Yeah, right.
Mark, you gotta believe me.
The body might be buried in the basement.
By the way, do you want to switch rooms? Forget it.
You guys are just trying to scare me.
I got it! - No, don't get the door.
- Don't get it! - It's just Al.
- Hey, guys.
Happy Halloween.
Good one.
So, anyway, I stopped by to pick up my head.
- Yeah, it's on the kitchen counter.
- All right.
Great.
OK.
You know we're gonna be using this for our annual marathon scare-a-thon.
Whooooo! Eileen's going to take out the cranium and put in melon balls.
Hey, look, there's an old picture of Larry.
Who's Larry? That's your dad's Halloween guy.
No, that's Clifford Warren.
That wasn't what he was calling himself when your dad brought him by Tool Time.
I cannot believe we just fell for this.
- We're idiots.
- It was all set up.
And we're idiots.
Oh, I feel like I just messed up a little Halloween prank.
Just a teeny one.
Mom and Dad wanted us to think there was a homicidal maniac trying to get us.
That's a good one.
Now we gotta think of something just as good to get back at them.
Well, you're Tim's sons.
I'm sure you inherited the torture chromosome.
Bye-bye.
- Hey, Al.
- Yeah? How would you like to help us do this prank on our parents? Well, I wouldn't feel so bad about scaring your dad again, but no, I wouldn't feel right scaring your mom.
Really? Even after what she said about you? What did she say about me? Oh, I believe she referred to your little Halloween party as "the marathon yawn-a-thon".
Jill said that? - That's what I heard.
You, Brad? - I heard her say that.
She also said your mom doesn't bob for apples.
She bobs for ham hocks.
I'm in! - All right.
- Yeah! Tim? Jill? You better get downstairs.
Whoa.
- What are you doing here? - I came to pick up my head.
- What's the matter? - Well, it-it's Randy.
He's really scared.
All right! He keeps babbling something about a murderer coming to get him.
- All right! - I knew this was a bad idea.
It's stupid to scare your own kid.
Stupid, stupid, stupid.
That woman misses the whole point about Halloween.
Wait a minute.
Randy's really scared.
He-he's talking about wanting to come over to my house.
- Are you serious? - Would I lie to you? - Oh, ow! - All right, they look like real tears.
They are.
You just poked me in the eye.
Randy, honey.
Honey, everything is OK.
I don't know, Mom.
He's really scared about this Clifford guy.
- What are you crying about? - I'm not staying here.
Clifford's gonna come back.
He'll kill all of us.
Honey, he's not.
This was just a stupid joke we played on you to scare you.
I didn't want to, but your mom wanted to.
- You guys really made this up? - No! I mean, yes.
He did.
Look, look, I swear.
It is just a big mistake.
I am so sorry, sweetheart.
- It's all over.
- Not unless you're just saying this so we won't be scared of Clifford.
I want to go home with Al where it's safe.
Come on, Randy.
You heard your parents.
There is no such person as Larry.
Yeah, come on.
Listen to Al.
There's no such Larry? You mean, as in like "Halloween Larry"? No, as in Clifford, Clifford the murderer! Halloween guy? Murderer? What difference does it make? I'm really scared.
The difference is, Al just blew your stupid little joke.
But we almost had you! We did, didn't we? We got you guys! We didn't, we're all Man, I'm a Halloween washout.
I'm a third-rate prankster.
Don't flatter yourself.
Listen, we'll just call a truce.
- We all had our fun.
- Not as much fun as we had.
Well, how's that? Well, scaring your kids is easy, but scaring your parents is huge.
I'll never forget the look on your face.
"It's OK, sweetheart, it was just a joke.
We made it all up.
" OK, Mark should be back from Brian's party around 10:00.
We'll call you when we're leaving Al's.
We might be kind of late 'cause I'm thinking of raising a little bit of hell.
You sure you'll be OK by yourselves? I don't know, Mommy.
What if I get scared? Yeah, what if the murderer comes to get us? Tell him not to make a mess.
Right.
One candy bar for the spaceman.
And seven for the cute little lion cub.
- Hi.
- Oh, hi.
Great costume.
Brad, look, it's our old friend, Clifford.
Mind if I come in? It's starting to rain.
Yeah, come on in Larry.
Coming in to look for your brother's dead body? - Ooh, scary.
- Your parents shortchanged me.
I want the rest of my money.
Where are they? They're at Al's party, but we'll tell them and they'll get back to you.
Oh, sure.
Yeah, right.
I want my hundred bucks now.
- Well, we don't have it.
- Yeah, see.
Everybody thinks they can kick me around just because I'm the "Halloween guy".
Well, Halloween guys have got feelings, you know? Right now, I don't know, this Halloween guy's feeling kind of angry.
You know what might make you feel better? A granola bar.
Cash.
Well, we don't have it.
OK, OK, um Don't Mom and Dad keep some money for emergencies in the house? Sir, I believe it's up in the attic, so we'll go get it right now.
You remember where it's hidden? Yeah, I think it's in one of Dad's old cigar boxes.
Man, what is this stuff? I can't see a thing.
I don't know.
Maybe Dad left the window open and the warm air and cold air mixed and made fog.
Wow.
I just remembered something from Earth Science! Hey, yes! - I found the cigar box.
- Yes.
Rats! - Let's get out of here.
- Hold on.
I see another cigar box over here.
Which I don't think we need to explore at this point.
Hey, boys, is that you? Dad? Mom? You know, if I'm not mistaken, I think Daddy's scared his little boys.
We got you good.
Happy Halloween.
Thanks a lot, Larry.
Come on up here.
Listen, I gotta congratulate you people.
I mean, in all my years I have never seen a family go to such sick lengths to torture each other on Halloween.
- You should see us at Christmas.
- Yeah! - Why don't we go to Al's party? - No reason why we can't all go.
Great.
That might be a reason.
- Come on, Dad, the joke's over.
- I didn't do this.
Larry, did you? Wish I had.
It's a nice touch.
It's shut.
We're locked in.
No worries.
I'm the Tool Man.
I'll get it open.
How long you gonna leave them up there? Long enough to let them know that Al Borland can prank with the best of them.
Actually, you know, maybe I should let them down now before Tim does something stupid.
- There we go.
- Don't wipe him off.
Don't wipe him off.
- We like it.
- Stop it.
In five.
But we almost had you, huh? We almost had Oh, I'm a Hollywood wash - Well, you're that too.
- You're that too.
I'm a Halloween # Hollywood #