Roseanne s06e07 Episode Script

Hey, David, you shouldn't be doing your homework in front of the TV.
I'm not doing homework.
Oh, good.
I'm writing Darlene a letter.
I've called her 5 times today and she hasn't called me back.
That's nice.
When you're done, go to the store for me And get me some milk and bread and peanut butter.
Oh yeah, and if they have any left, get a life.
I have a life.
No, you don't.
All you do is sit here on the couch.
You don't get any exercise.
You just eat and sleep, which would be fine if we were raising you for veal.
It's just that right now i'm having a really hard time with Darlene.
No, no.
Right now you're having a really hard time with me.
I want you to be like a normal kid.
Get out there And start doing all the things your peers are pressuring you into doing.
Okay, I promise.
But right now I have to straighten out Darlene.
It's kind of personal if you don't mind.
No, I don't mind.
"Dear Darlene, I really, really miss you.
"it really, really hurts me when you don't call.
"I know you're very busy, but if you don't mind" See, I was gonna get really tough after that.
I was tougher than this in my wedding vows.
Okay, here, David.
Take this down.
Dear Darlene, I am tired of your crap.
You are selfish, moody and most of all, ungrateful.
She's not ungrateful.
Trust me, i've known her longer than you.
And then you gotta finish up with something That'll really, really get her.
I could tell her she's just like you.
That'll kill her.
Both of us with one shot.
Guess who I found at the train station.
Darlene.
Hi! Wow.
What are you doing here? Mrs.
Conner thought it would be fun to surprise you.
Darlene, we really, really miss you And it really makes us feel really really bad when you don't call.
Thanks for coming.
Hey, Darlene.
She's not moving back here, is she? No, we would never let David's girlfriend move into the house.
Good.
Uh, David, would you come help me put my stuff away? Yeah.
I'll be right there.
Mrs.
Conner, can I have that back, please? No, David, i'm afraid not.
Because, you see, I own you now.
What do you want from me.
I just want you to keep your promise.
Get out in the world.
Quit laying there on the couch, 'cause Dan and I might not always be there to turn you every half hour.
Okay.
And I want you to start sticking up for yourself around Darlene.
Don't let her push you around all the time.
[Darlene.]
David, come help me unpack.
No, no! I can't help you! No, you can help her unpack.
Oh.
Okay.
Hey, have you seen my October cosmo? No, but let me help you look for it.
Nope, it's not in the sports section.
What are you doing downstairs? What's the matter with your bathroom? D.
J.
's been in there for, like, an hour.
He's just like you, Dan.
Why don't you run a newspaper up to him.
He's got the door locked, and it's, like, the third time today.
Maybe I ought to go up there.
Trust me, I don't think this is a time that a boy needs his mother.
What are you talkin' about? Um, I think I know What she's talkin' about.
And I think you know what she's talkin' about If you just think about it for a minute.
Yeah.
D.
J.
's finally got a friend that's not imaginary.
Oh, my god.
You don't know! He could just be brushin' his teeth Or, you know, uh, Maybe he's compulsively washing his hands, OrUh, maybe it's somethin' totally harmless Like chronic diarrhea.
Trust me, he goes in that room 'cause it's the only one with a lock on it.
And he's in there for, like, an hour at a time.
Which either means he's really, really good at it Or really, really bad at it.
Oh, my god! Well, I don't want you to give him any grief about this Because you could traumatize him And turn him into a serial killer or somethin'.
Well, don't worry.
How much damage can you do With only one free hand? You know, guys This doesn't have to be a bad thing.
Very natural.
It'sNot like we all didn't do it.
Oh, my god.
Get outta here.
I'm goin'.
He's too young for this Isn't he, Dan? Maybe he's gifted.
But lookit.
He still drinks his juice Out of a little batman cup.
He's my baby.
Well, from now on when your baby's bad, I guess we can't send him up to his room.
Well, we ought to be able to handle this okay.
I mean, you know, It's just masturbation.
That's great about your short story.
Why didn't you tell me you got an "A"? Never seen one before.
I didn't know what it was.
Darlene, you don't have to hold back all the good stuff that's happening to you.
I mean, good--good stuff's happening to me, too.
Really? I--I mean, that's great.
Like what? Well, uh I got some as.
You did? Yeah.
I got an "A" in art, in history, And, uh, in gym.
And I got a "B" in social studies.
I got a B-plus in english.
I got a-- a "B" in math.
I got a B-minus in biology.
I got a-- a "B" in music.
And a "b" in geometry.
Jeez, David, how many classes are you taking? A lot.
I'm--i'm really into school this year.
As a matter of fact, i'm gonna be doin' Some art for the yearbook, too.
Whoa! You must be really busy.
Sounds like you're doin' really great.
Yeah.
It's so great to see you.
[door closes.]
Hey, David! What the hell's going on? What do you mean? Well, your math teacher came by the restaurant today And says you haven't been at school for two weeks.
What you been doing? Nothin.
' Well, you know, if you wanna Mope around this house all depressed and down, There's nothing I can do about it, But i'm damn sure not gonna let you drop out of school And screw up your life like you're one of my own kids.
I'll start going, and i'll make up the work.
Yeah, you bet you will, And there'll be somebody standing over your shoulder To make sure that you do that.
So you better hope that Dan doesn't nod off and crush you.
Okay, i'll do it.
David.
I lied, okay? I can't believe you just embarrassed him like that.
He didn't want me to know he was skipping school.
Oh, yeah, I know how strict you are on that kinda thing.
Well, he just got done telling me how happy he is.
And you bought that? No, but at least I didn't throw it back in his face and humiliate him.
Yeah, I have to do everything around here! Dinner's ready! [Dan.]
D.
J.
, you wash your hands? God, I hope so.
So, what happened, D.
J.
? I thought you were gonna eat over at your friend George's house? I got mad at him, So I came home and played by myself.
Count to 10.
Jackie said you had a story published in the school's literary journal.
Yeah.
So what happens in it? Oh, it's not a narrative.
Nothing happens.
Look, I don't think you'd get it.
Uh, well, gee, Darlene, Don't you be 'shamed to showing your brain around me and pa.
Every mama dreams of the day her youngin' will outlearn her.
[slowly.]
course we's never much for your books and such.
All right, fine.
The story's from the point of view of an old woman, And she's looking at a picture of herself when she was a kid.
Never mind.
You can read it.
What are you talking about? Nothing.
Getting your story published isn't nothing.
Just drop it, Dan.
Your story's getting published? Where? In the school journal, but it's no big deal.
It's just 'cause i'm friends with the editor.
Did you hear that, honey? She's got a friend.
Shut up.
I have lots of friends.
She has lots of friends.
Well, i've got an idea.
Let's talk about D.
J.
's school.
Yeah, I hear he got caught playing with his instrument in band.
I'm not in band, stupid! Okay, next subject.
Dan How was work? Well, today was a special one for me.
It was the 179th day in a row Where I did exactly the same thing.
Well, D.
J.
over here is well on his way to shattering that record.
I wanna hear more about how great school is.
I don't want to talk about school.
What's the matter? You don't think I can take it? Tell us about the old lady in the story.
I would, uh, like to talk about, uh Jackie's pregnancy.
Yeah, let's talk about Jackie's pregnancy.
Yeah.
Well, she has to go to the bathroom a lot now because, uh Right now, the fetus, it's really pressing on thebladder.
Well, that would explain the glow.
I don't understand why nobody wants to talk about Darlene.
I mean, nothing's happening in our lives.
She's at least doing stuff.
I mean, she didn't do anything in high school.
All she did was hang out with Boy, you sure are a quick one, pa.
Who told you I got caught Playing with my instrument in band? So, it's pressing right up against the bladder, huh? Gee, Dan, I hate this.
Can't we keep him a little boy a little bit longer? Put him in a freezer and just take him out on the holidays? Freezer's full, hon.
Let's just put this lock on and get out of here.
Aw, look at his little dinosaur sheets.
Aw.
Oh, no.
Oh! He's using my cosmo.
That makes me like his dealer.
And a Montgomery Ward catalog Opened to the "young miss" section.
A resourceful young lad.
D.
J.
! Whoa! Roseanne! I was sleepwalking again.
What are we doing up here? Think he bought it? I can't, Roseanne.
I don't know what to tell him.
[sighs.]
Well, didn't you ever have this talk with your parents? Yeah.
My mom said-- [pounds on table.]
"you all right in there?" And I said, "i'll--i'll be right out!" Well, he thinks we're spying on him, Dan, So he thinks he's doing something bad.
You want him to think that, Dan? Dan? Why me? Because it's your turn.
I talked to the girls after they got their periods.
I talked to the girls after they got their periods.
I mean I talked to the girls about their periods.
All right, i'll do it.
Good.
And you know, Dan, if you handle it right, Then maybe he will come to us and feel comfortable later If he has, you know, an questions about sex.
And that would be good? I don't why I bother to come home! I don't know why either.
You can feel sorry for me in chicago.
You know what, David? If it'll make you happy, I'll try not to think about you at all in chicago! [turns tv on.]
Ah.
To be young and in love.
Well, i'll handle this one.
You go find D.
J.
Oh, man! So, uh, David, You wanna tell me what you and Darlene are fighting about? Not really.
Well, don't you wanna hear what I have to say? Sure, i'll have a seat.
You know, David, I think that someplace in your head You think darlene's gonna start hating school and come back home, But that's not gonna happen.
She's happy there.
[turns tv off.]
David, are you listening to me? You can't depend on Darlene for your happiness, you know? You gotta get out there and find out what it is you really want to do in life.
Make sure it doesn't annoy me.
And then go for it.
I have no idea how to communicate, uh With a kid that doesn't yell back.
Don't you have anything obnoxious to say? [turns tv on.]
Well, that's a start.
[sighs.]
hey! Uh, don't mind me.
I was just gonna Get something.
Oh.
Hey, Deej, um I think that you and me need to talk about some stuff.
I'm justI'm [stammers.]
i'm just not It's just [sighs.]
what i'm trying to say is Look, is there anything you feel like asking me about? No.
Good.
Good.
Very good.
Great.
Okay, look, D.
J Look, buddy, I know you're really embarrassed right now.
I just want you to know that What you've been doing, It's just a part of growing up.
So are you proud of me? Well, yeah, but not for this.
Uh The point is i'm not upset with you.
This is something that everybody does.
Really? Yeah.
Okay.
Okay.
Do you do it? Like I said, D.
J.
, everybody does it.
How much do you do it? Look, Deej, the funny thing about this is Even though it's okay and everybody does it, There's nothing wrong with it Nobody ever ever talks about it.
Let's go, Darlene! This bus is moving out! Oh, by the way, D.
J.
asked me to bring over my back issues of Mademoiselle.
He said it's for some school project.
It's more like a home project.
No need to send 'em back.
This is really great.
Yeah.
I'm gonna miss you.
[Darlene.]
well, i'll call you as soon as I get back to school.
If you have the time.
No pressure.
[chuckles.]
well, call me as soon as you get there, No matter if you have the time or not.
Big pressure.
Hey.
Need any money? Yeah! Me, too.
Have a safe trip.
D.
J.
! Darlene's leaving! [D.
J.
.]
good! [Darlene.]
bye.
[door closes.]
Well, David It looks like you and Darlene patched up your problems After that little talk we had.
No, no, no! Your happiness is thanks enough.
I was thinking about what you said to me, About my not being happy and that I should do something about it.
Wow.
You really listened to me? You are getting weirder and weirder.
I talked to my mom in Michigan last night, And I told her i'm gonna go live with her.
What? I didn't mean that you had to leave.
I know.
You've been great to me.
But as long as I live here, I'm just gonna be dependent on Darlene.
Yeah, but I mean you can't go back there, David.
You remember how mean your mom was to you? Well, she's trying to change.
WellShe says she's trying to change.
Honey.
Don't "honey" me, Dan! Does Darlene know about this? No, I was gonna call her as soon as I got to Michigan.
If I told her now, she'd just try to talk me out of it.
Well, sure she would because she cares about you.
She doesn't wanna see you screw up your life.
That's enough, Roseanne.
No, Dan, that is not enough! It's not enough 'til he changes his mind.
I didn't mean to make you mad, I just can't stay here.
Well, you know you'll always have a home if you need one.
Thanks.
What'd you make him leave for? We can't stop him from going back to his mom.
But you know how his mom is, Dan.
She's not gonna change.
She's not gonna get any better.
Then he knows he can come back.
We just keep losing 'em.
This one's not even ours.
Come here and give your mommy a hug.
Uh-uh! Where you going? Dad told me not to say.
I can't believe this.
Well, he said he was gonna move back to Michigan.
He wanted to tell you himself, But I just thought you should know.
Well, did he say why he was leaving? He said he felt too dependent on you living here.
Where would he get a stupid idea like that? Oh, well, frankly From your father.
What if this means that I never see him again? This really sucks, mom.