Rules of Engagement s06e07 Episode Script

Hey.
How about I trade you my wheat toast for your bacon? Pass.
Hey! You should have taken the trade.
Hey, ease up on those flapjacks, Tim.
I'll take them.
You gotta save room.
I'm taking you to the executive dining room for lunch today.
Oh, yes.
Don't get too excited.
Sir, it's just that whenever you do something nice for me, you always have an ulterior motive.
What? When? What define "always.
" Every single time.
Oh, yeah, what about that time I went on vacation, and I let you use my apartment for a week? It was very generous of me.
You smelled a gas leak and sent me in as a canary.
I ended up in the hospital.
Oh, yeah.
The hospital.
Where you get an adjustable bed and all the Jell-O you can eat.
You even had that fun old guy as a roommate.
Yes.
He was fun.
Until 4:00 A.
M.
, when he died.
Not quietly, I might add.
What's wrong with these pancakes? Oh.
They're multigrain, sir.
Yuck.
You know I thought you had earned lunch in the fancy dining room, but forget it.
You're actually serious about this? Yes.
I know I'm not always the greatest guy, but I'm trying to make up for it here.
If you don't wanna go, fine, but all I can do is try.
Well, sir, perhaps I misjudged the situation.
- No, no, no, no, no.
- Lunch sounds lovely.
And I'm sorry I assumed you had an ulterior motive.
Yeah.
Okay, here's my ulterior motive.
See this hot waitress over there? I'm gonna try to nail her, and you're gonna help me.
You know At a certain point, the blame is not entirely on you.
Rules of engagement 6x07 "the chair" wow.
So that's the new chair.
So what do you think? It's horrible.
I was asking Jen.
I think I speak for everyone.
You have been against this chair ever since I showed it to you on the website.
That's not true.
I say we get six more and make our own tilt-a-whirl.
I like it.
It's kinda funky.
- Thank you, Jen.
- Hey.
What do you think? Hey, what are you gonna do with the crate? Just put it in the dumpster.
In fact, you guys can take it down for me.
Once we get rid of that crate We're stuck with this piece of crap forever.
Liked it when I saw it online.
Love it even more now.
I hate it.
Hey, instead of getting rid of this, can I have it? Why? Pfft.
Build a fort, yo.
You know you're an adult, right? Oh, no, it's not for me.
It's for Jen's nephew Logan.
Right.
- It is.
- Okay.
And is Logan here with us right now? He's real, okay? We're babysitting him tomorrow, and he'd love it if I had a fort.
Fine, I hope that "Logan" enjoys it.
He's real.
Sure.
- He is! - Sure.
Well, if you hate it, why did you buy it? It looked totally different on the website.
It had all these cool graphics and music and Now that it's here, it's Oh, God, look at it! Well, is it at least comfortable? It is not.
I can barely hear anything in this stupid dome.
Well, can you return it? Oh, what, and let Jeff think he's right? No.
I gotta figure out a way to get rid of it without that conniving weasel thinking he won.
You guys have a different relationship than Adam and I.
I know.
It's sweet.
You're in love.
But it all leads to the same place.
I been working this waitress for awhile, but she won't give me the time of day.
It's 12:30.
May I go now? No.
Here's the play.
You're Mowgli, an Iraqi street urchin that I rescued from the war.
Why? 'Cause I'm a great guy.
That's what I do.
And how plausible is that, sir? I'm wearing a suit.
And you're welcome for that.
Remember, that suit's for wearing, not eating.
Oh, I didn't see you there.
I was too busy mentoring the disadvantaged.
I don't think we've formally met.
I'm Russell Dunbar.
Yes, Dunbar, whose name is on the building.
Yawn.
Ha ha.
Wow.
I'm Gwen.
Are you ready to order? You know what? Some people find excessive wealth to be a burden, but not me.
It gives me a chance to take on projects.
Like this little guy.
Look at him! He's a cutie.
All dressed up to eat.
I'll give you guys another minute.
Okay.
Why do I feel like I'm doing all the work here? Uck.
You know, Jeff, I was thinking Even though I really love the chair, I just can't really enjoy it that much knowing how much you hate it.
Really? Yeah.
So I'm just gonna pack it up and return it.
Whoa, whoaAre you gonna need the crate for that? You can still make a fort out of pillows and blankets.
That's bush league, bro! Why don't you guys go get the crate, and we will go get you some beers.
Something doesn't feel right.
Well, you are kinda jerking Logan around.
Audrey caved way too easy.
She said it's because you don't like it.
Yeah.
But I hate most stuff.
That's never stopped her from buying anything anyone sells.
Unless She doesn't like the chair.
But she says she loves the chair.
Well, of course she's not gonna come out and admit she hates it.
I'd destroy her.
Wait a minute.
You hate the chair, and she's sending it back You won.
That was just a battle.
I wanna win the war.
What war? Marriage.
Marriage isn't gonna be like this for me and Jen.
Sure, it will.
Uh, hey, uh, I was just thinking, you know, what kind of selfish animal is gonna make a wife return something that she loves so much? Oh, um I appreciate that, honey, but I'm okay sending it back.
I'm confused, because I know that you love it so.
OhI do.
All right, well, I'm not gonna ruin that.
You love this chair.
Damn it, I love you.
I'm gonna learn to love it.
Uh Honey, you really don't have to No, no, no.
This chair is a monument to our love.
And it will stay right here for the rest of our lives.
In fact, if you go before me I'll bury you in it.
Come on, I'm flailing here.
I need you to play up the refugee angle.
Sir, do you honestly think this woman believes I'm a refugee? No.
'Cause you're not selling it.
Here she comes.
Eat with your hands or something.
Is everything all right here? It's great with me.
But I think Mowgli here is a little afraid of my soft-shell crab.
He thinks it's one of his angry eight-armed gods or something.
Arr! It's not.
It's just a crab.
Mmm! It's good.
No thunder, no light Oh, my God.
He's choking! Do you know the heimlich maneuver? Yes Sir, are you all right? I - Do you know mouth-to-mouth? UhhThis is not my day.
Adam? I'm down here.
Ha.
Don't worry.
Going to bed soon.
Well, it's morning already.
You've been doing this all night.
Well, the loss of sleep is gonna be worth it when you see the crown moldings in here.
All right, I'm gonna go get some breakfast.
You want me to bring you back something? Sure.
I'll take a hot glue gun and some miniature curtains.
So then I restored Mr.
Dunbar's breathing, and, uhHe was fine.
What were you thinking? - Heimlich and mouth-to-mouth too? You had two cracks at not helping.
What's going on? Timmy saved Russell's life.
Why? I know, I know.
The upshot was that Gwen, the comely waitress, thought I was quite heroic.
I'm taking her to dinner tonight.
Is that the one Russell was hitting on? The very same.
You know, saving Mr.
Dunbar's life was neither here nor there, but stealing the woman he's trying to bed is remarkably satisfying.
Huh.
Human resources wants to see me.
To pick up some sort of accolade or commendation, no doubt.
A sexual harassment complaintAgainst me? But that's absurd! Who would make such a Hey, Phyllis.
Sorry I'm late.
You.
Hello, Mr.
Patel.
Okay.
Let's get started.
Phyllis, would you mind Leaving the door open? I don't feel safe around the predator.
So have you figured out why Jeff wants to keep the chair? No.
I quickly ruled out he was just being considerate.
He obviously knows I don't like the chair, and he's trying to torture me.
I really don't think Adam and I are gonna end up Of course you are.
Just accept it.
So what now? So we move the chair into the baby's room.
After a while, Jeff will forget about it, and I can sneak it down to the storage locker.
Well, it's probably for the best.
That thing would scare the hell out of the baby.
Oh, hey, aud.
H What did you do? Well, I asked myself, "why would Audrey hide the chair "in the baby's room? It must be because I said I don't like it.
" That thought just made my heart sink.
You love this chair.
You should be able to sit in it all the time.
Come on.
Thank you.
Hot wing? Yes? Would you like a hot wing? Chili peppers and spices.
They're spicy? You got that from the word spices, didn't you? No, thanks.
Had a late lunch.
Fine.
More for me.
What? Nothing.
I gotta say, this chair's growing on me.
What? Really growing on me.
Now, Mr.
Dunbar claims you put your lips on his for roughly 20 seconds.
Because he had passed out.
Well, Phyllis, as you've warned me before, that does not make it okay.
- It was mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.
Tell me how does saving someone's life bring about charges of sexual harassment? I understand your concerns, because I've met Mr.
Dunbar.
But I'm legally required to go through this process.
Now, he also claims that you came up behind him, put your arms around him, and made several thrusts.
He was like an animal.
It was the heimlich maneuver.
You know what? I am not going to sit here and entertain this nonsense.
I have somewhere to be.
Oh, really? Where? To go on a date with a certain waitress who works for this very company? Oh, I get it.
Very, very clever, Mr.
Dunbar.
On this occasion, I'm afraid this will not fly.
Oh, really? Phyllis, correct me if I'm wrong, but according to paragraph 9, subsection 4 of the company handbook You mean the Dunbar clause.
Yes, thanks for the shout out.
As long as there's an open harassment complaint against an employee, they are forbidden from interoffice relations.
Technically, that is correct.
Amen, sister.
You disgust me.
Ooh! That certainly wasn't the vibe you were putting out yesterday.
Check it out.
I finished the fort.
It took a while, but I think it was worth taking a vacation day for.
Whew! Pretty sweet, huh? It's great, honey, but I have bad news.
My brother called, and Logan's sick.
He's not coming.
I see.
And Logan Had your brother call you instead of calling me himself? - I'm really sorry.
- No, no.
It's okay.
Guess it was just a waste of time.
No, it wasn't! In fact, maybe you and I should spend some time in there together.
Honey, there's kind of a no girls allowed policy.
Well, what if that girl is me having sex with you? Okay.
Maybe I can waive the policy just this once.
Obviously, there's no basis for a complaint here.
But clearly, the two of you have a very dysfunctional relationship.
- Judge-y! I would recommend that Mr.
Patel be transferred to another department.
Well, that seems a little rash.
Can you put that in writing? I'll give you a few minutes to discuss.
Okay.
Don't worry.
I'm not gonna transfer you anywhere.
We're gonna work this out.
I have no desire to work this out.
You and I are through.
Good-bye.
Don't go.
Excuse me? Don't go.
I'm sorry.
Are you saying "oil can"? Don't go.
Why? - Because I - NeedYou.
Really? Okay.
I'll stay under one condition.
I want you to thank me for saving your life.
Haven't I already thanked you? No.
Actually, you accused me of rape.
Wow.
You really hear what you wanna hear.
- Good-bye.
- Ah Thank you.
For what? Saving my life.
You're welcome, sir.
Okay.
That's done.
Now, let me take you out for a nice dinner, somewhere fancy.
Is that really the reason? You want to make it up to me? You want me to tell you now orWhen we get there? Okay, look, I, uh I haven't been completely honest with you.
There's something I need to confess about the chair.
Really? And what is that? I just don't think it works.
- Is that right? - Yes.
Well, I can't say that I'm surprised.
Hopefully, you learned a little something.
Oh, I did, and, uh, I think I fixed the problem.
What did you do? Well, when you moved it out here, I realized it didn't look right.
It needed a friend.
Plus, you said it's growing on you, right? I did say that.
Besides, I thought you'd get jealous staring at me in my chair.
Same day delivery? That couldn't have been cheap.
Oh, it was not! But it was worth it just to see the look on your face.
I knew Fort Sex would be awesome.
It's pretty hot in here.
Yeah, it is.
No.
I mean I'm boiling.
Oh.
I'll open the curtains.
- No, I-I have to get out of here.
I can't.
The door's stuck! Okay, move move over.
Just let me try.
I can't! We're in a box! I knew I should never have waived the no girls allowed policy.
Can you change the channel? - What? - Uhh! What? Can you please change the channel? Hold on.
I'm getting another call.
Oh Never was a Logan, was there? - No - No, no, no!