Seinfeld s06e07 Episode Script

Car names are so stupid, aren't they? No baron has ever owned a LeBaron.
Or the Ford LTD.
LTD.
Limited.
It's a limited edition.
What did they make, Yes, it's limited to the number we can sell.
Or when they try and mangle a positive word into a car name.
You know how they'll do that? The Integra.
Oh, integrity? No, Integra.
The Supra or the Impreza.
Yeah? Well, I hope it's not a "lemona.
" Or you'll be hearing from my "lawya.
" So, George, you sure I can't show you any other cars? I don't think so, Vic.
Done my homework.
'89 Volvo.
That's the car for me.
It's the one I want.
I got a LeBaron convertible right here.
N.
I.
, not interested.
Got a few more miles on it, but the previous owner was Jon Voight.
Jon Voight? Okay, Tim, you're welcome.
- Was that Tim Whatley? - Yes, it was.
He wanted your address.
You, my friend, are gonna be invited to his night-before-Thanksgiving party.
He's got that great apartment on 77th Street and they overlook where they inflate all those huge balloons for the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade.
I have always had a big crush on Tim.
Why can't he ask me out? He's a dentist.
You don't wanna go out with a dentist.
- Why? - He'll always be criticizing your brushing technique.
It'll drive you crazy.
Away from the gums.
New car! Hey! Did you get the Volvo? No, I decided to go with an '89 LeBaron.
A LeBaron? I thought Consumer said Volvo was the car.
What consumer? I'm the consumer.
Seems like a strange choice.
Well, maybe so.
But it was good enough for Mr.
Jon Voight.
- Jon Voight? The actor? - That's right.
He just happened to be the previous owner of the vehicle.
You bought a car because it belonged to Jon Voight? No.
No.
I think "yes, yes.
" You like the idea of telling people you're driving Jon Voight's car.
All right, maybe I do.
So what? I've never even seen him in a car.
I mean, look at his movies.
No cars.
Deliverance, canoe.
Midnight Cowboy, boots.
Runaway Train runaway train.
Hey.
Jerry, you know that shoe repair place at the end of the block? If they don't get business, they'll shut down and make way for one of those gourmet coffee or cookie stores.
- I like coffee.
- I like cookies.
Well, of course you do.
And you know why? Because you're a bunch of yuppies.
It's your "go, go" corporate-takeover lifestyles that are driving out these mom-and-pop stores and destroying the fabric of this neighborhood.
Well, what's so great about a mom-and-pop store? If my mom and pop ran a store, I wouldn't shop there.
Hey, Bucambo they've been in the neighborhood for 48 years.
Now, come on, Jerry, you gotta have shoes in need of a cobbler.
I really don't wear the kind of shoes that have to be cobbled.
Well, what about sneakers? They'll clean them.
They do complete detailing.
- All right.
Take them.
- Yeah, yeah.
Kramer, without you, we'd be out of business.
These belong to my neighbor, Jerry Seinfeld, the comedian.
- So many sneakers.
- Well, he's got a Peter Pan complex.
They'll be ready a week from Thursday.
Oh, well, no rush.
- What's the matter? - I keep getting these nosebleeds.
- Lie down.
And put your head back.
- Oh, yeah.
- Hey, what's with your ceiling? - What? You got wires sticking out every which way.
It looks dangerous.
You should call an electrician.
You know, in the 48 years we've been here I don't think we've ever called an electrician.
Well, you should.
This place could blow any minute.
- Elaine.
- Yes, Mr.
Pitt? Have you gotten all the salt off those pretzels yet? No.
I'm still working on it.
What in blazes are you listening to? Artie Shaw, "Honeysuckle Jump.
" That was Artie Shaw, "Honeysuckle Jump.
" Elaine, how did you know that? My father used to have a huge collection of big-band records.
Congratulations to Wayne Hopper for identifying it.
By doing so, he becomes our seventh person to man the Woody Woodpecker balloon in the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade.
There are only three spots left.
When we come back, you'll have three more chances to win a spot holding a rope under Woody Woodpecker.
Could you identify the next song? Could you? Could you? Why would you wanna hold the ropes from the Woody Woodpecker balloon? My father was a stern man.
He forbade us to participate in any activities that he thought were associated with the common man.
The Thanksgiving Day Parade was first on the list.
All right.
Okay.
I'll do the best I can.
Here we go for the next spot under the balloon.
If you know the name of this next song, call 555-BAND.
Well, Elaine? Do you know it? What song is it? - Will you shut up? I can't hear! - I'm sorry.
Oh, I've got it! It's "Next Stop, Pottersville.
" Goody! Yes, yes! "Next Stop, Pottersville.
" You are a genius.
You'll love this car, even if you don't like Jon Voight.
I like Jon Voight.
Just seems like a strange reason to buy a car because he might have driven it.
What do you mean, "might"? - You don't think he really owned it? - I don't know.
Why would the guy make up something like that? Of all the names he could pick, why settle on Jon Voight? Don't you see, that's the genius of it.
If he had said Liam Neeson, you'd know he's making it up.
Liam Neeson? How are you comparing Liam Neeson with Jon Voight? Jerry, we're talking about Joe Buck.
If you can play Joe Buck, Oskar Schindler's a cakewalk.
Oh, look at this.
I stepped in gum.
You're not getting in my car with gummy shoes.
All right.
I'll change my shoes.
Liam Neeson.
You know he's not American.
Let me get a clean pair.
Everybody's talking at me I can't hear a word they're saying Just driving round In Jon Voight's car Kramer! Hey, where's all my sneakers? - You said take them.
- Not all of them.
Well, obviously, there was a miscommunication.
Obviously.
So, what am I supposed to wear? - Jerry, I left you a pair right here.
- Where? Come on.
You're not looking.
Here.
There.
Put on those boots.
I can't wear these.
- Well, why not? - They're uncomfortable.
Come on here.
Try them on.
Where did you get those? I worked a club in Dallas one time, and they couldn't pay me so they gave me these.
I can't wear these.
They look ridiculous.
You look like a cowboy.
I don't wanna be a cowboy.
Oh, stop it.
You know Tim the dentist? I got an invitation to his Thanksgiving eve party.
- Yeah? I got one too.
- Oh, yeah? - What? - No.
Nothing.
- No, what is it? - No, it's just that I didn't get one.
You didn't get one? But he called me up and asked for yours and Elaine's addresses.
I'm sure that means I'm invited.
Not necessarily.
Why would you call someone for addresses if you're not invited to the party? That's the genius of it.
I'm calling Elaine.
See if she can find out anything from Tim Whatley.
Hey, I got Jon Voight's LeBaron.
Boss.
Four thousand dollars! We can't afford that.
Well, you have to do something about it because it's in violation of the building code.
Otherwise, they're gonna close you up.
Supposing we can't pay for it? Then I have to report you.
Otherwise, I lose my license.
Sorry.
Forty-eight years, Mom.
And now we have to close.
All because of that idiot and his bloody nose.
Afternoon, Mom.
Afternoon, Pop.
You know you got a crack in the sidewalk? You ought to get that fixed.
- So? - Come on, put the top up.
- It's November.
- I feel alive, Jerry.
Let's check out the glove box.
Pencil.
Hey, you don't think.
.
? Sure.
That's Jon Voight's pencil.
With Jon Voight's teeth marks.
Owner's manual.
You know what? This car was owned by Jon Voight.
You see? I told you.
Except Jon is spelled with an "H.
" - J-O-H-N.
- So? Doesn't Jon Voight spell his name J-O-N? - So, what are you saying? - Nothing.
I'm sure Jon probably misspelled his own name.
I know sometimes I spell Jerry with a G.
And an I.
- Get out of the car! - What? That's right, you heard me.
Get out.
You're ruining this whole experience.
Oh, look.
There's Gregory Peck's bicycle.
- Get out! - And Barbara Mandrell's skateboard.
Get out! Hey, cowboy.
Where's your horse? Yeah, you better run.
- Did they take anything? - They didn't touch me.
I tripped because of these stupid cowboy boots.
Well, anyway, again, I'm sorry about throwing you out of the car.
- You really seemed to enjoy it.
- It was kind of fun.
You know, maybe his name really is J-O-H-N but he changed it to J-O-N for show business.
Well, you know, J-O-N is a lot zippier.
Yeah, that's possible.
How would you find out something like that? Wait a minute.
What am I thinking? I've got the entire Yankee organization at my disposal.
- He'll dispose of it.
- That's right.
See you later.
So, Jerome, I did a little snooping around for you.
What'd you find out, Lois? Well, I talked to Tim Whatley.
Yeah? And I asked him, "Should Jerry bring anything?" Subtle.
And he said, "Why would Jerry bring anything?" All right, but let me ask you this.
Which word did he emphasize? Did he say, "Why would Jerry bring anything?" Or, "Why would Jerry bring anything?" Did he emphasize "Jerry" or "bring"? I think he emphasized "would.
" Know what? The hell with this party.
I don't wanna go to begin with.
- Hey.
- Hey.
So where's my sneakers? - That's what I wanna know.
- What do you mean? Well, I saw Mom and Pop this morning but when I went by the store on my way home, the place was empty.
Everything is gone.
Mom and Pop vanished.
- So all my sneakers are gone? - I'm afraid so.
And that's just the tip of the iceberg.
I've been asking around.
They didn't even have any kids.
Mom and Pop aren't even a mom and pop? It was all an act, Jerry.
They conned us, and they scored bigtime.
So Mom and Pop's plan was to move into the neighborhood establish trust for 48 years and then run off with Jerry's sneakers? Apparently.
All right.
That's enough of this.
- Where you going? - I gotta go to the Dixieland Deli to pick up Mr.
Pitt's security pass for the parade.
Why does he wanna hold a rope underneath Woody Woodpecker in the Thanksgiving Day Parade? He finds his laugh intoxicating.
So, George, what kind of promotional events are we talking about? - Well I think we need more special days at the stadium.
You know, like Joe Pepitone Day or Jon Voight Day.
- Jon Voight? The actor? I make a motion that we have no more of these meetings that have been initiated by George Costanza.
I suppose if I had suggested Liam Neeson Day you'd all be patting me on the back.
I guessed Stan Herman's "Boomtown Blues.
" - What did you guess? - It was "Next Stop, Pottersville.
" Everybody knows that.
You know when they're giving out the passes? After the music.
Oh, man.
Taxi! Taxi.
Hey! Jon Voight! Jon Voight! Hey, listen.
Can I ask you something? Listen.
Do you.
.
? Wait - No Jon Voight Day, huh? - No.
Now I'll always have this doubt about the car.
- What, your jaw still hurts? - Yeah, it's all swollen.
I think I chipped a tooth when I fell yesterday.
- Have somebody look at it.
- I'm calling dentists all day.
Nobody working the day before Thanksgiving.
- You going to the party? - No.
I don't know if I'm invited.
- There'll be lots of dentists there.
- Yeah, you're right.
You don't wanna suffer all weekend.
Yeah, I gotta see a dentist.
This is killing me.
Well, I'll take a chance.
We'll go together.
Maybe I'll just meet you there.
- You don't wanna go with me? - Jerry for all I know, this guy went out of his way to not invite you.
How am I gonna feel if I show up with an uninvited, unwelcome intruder? The way I feel when I go places with you? - Hey.
- Hey.
Did you find my sneakers yet? No.
But I ran into somebody you might be interested in.
A Mr.
Jon Voight, the actor.
Jon Voight, are you kidding me?! Did you talk to him? He was a little standoffish.
What, you didn't ask him about the car? I couldn't.
His cab pulled away.
But he did make an impression on me.
- Look.
- What? His tooth marks.
He bit me.
- Jon Voight bit you? - What is he, a vampire? No, it's justifiable.
He thought I was going for his wallet.
- He left perfect imprints.
- That he did.
You've got that pencil with the bite marks on it? We get a trained eye to match them, and we'll see if you're driving his car.
Oh, please.
Wait a minute.
Wait, it's not that stupid.
No, it's stupid.
Why? Why is it impossible? I mean, they're both bite marks.
So you're showing up at that party with a chewed-up pencil and Kramer's gnarled arm? - It's worth a shot.
- Yeah.
Kramer, you wanna go to the party together? Jerry, look, come on, I'm an invited guest.
I can't be aiding and abetting some party crasher.
Excuse me, dentist? Dentist? Dentist? Are you a dentist? Are you a dentist? These are the balloons? Big deal.
All I see is Woody Woodpecker.
You got a problem with Woody Woodpecker? Yeah.
What is he, some sort of an instigator? That's right.
He's a troublemaker.
Hey, did you get my message? What? I can't hear a word you're saying.
I was stuck at the Dixieland Deli all day.
My head is still ringing.
Where's Tim? What's that, the Empire State Building? What? I can't hear you! Elaine, would you marry me? Wh.
.
? I told you, I can't hear a word.
All right.
Forget it.
- Hey, Tim, how you doing? - George.
Kramer, how you doing? Watch Watch the arm.
Listen, we don't wanna bother you.
We know you're busy.
- No, it's okay, what is it? - Let me show you something.
- Take a look.
- I'm gonna get going.
Let me take down your number.
- Hey, is that Jerry Seinfeld? - Hey, he didn't come with us.
- Tim, the pencil.
- Jerry.
- Hey, Tim.
- Jerry.
I didn't think you'd show.
Did you say, "Jerry, I didn't think you'd show" or "Jerry, I didn't think you'd show.
" - Elaine, hi.
- Tim.
I'm really glad you came.
- What? - I'm really glad you came.
Listen, Elaine, I've been wanting to ask you would you like to go out with me New Year's Eve? Thanks.
What? What? Let me ask you something.
Could you tell if teeth marks on somebody's arm matched teeth marks on a pencil? - It's possible.
- Roll up your sleeve.
Somebody bit you? Well, not just someone.
Jon Voight.
- Jon Voight bit you? - Yeah, yeah.
The pencil.
Get the pencil out of your mouth! You're destroying Jon Voight's teeth marks.
- That's Jon Voight's pencil? - That's right.
And I got his whole car downstairs.
Are you the one you bought his LeBaron convertible? - Yes! Yes! - Yes! Yes, I'm the one.
- So you know Jon Voight? - Yes.
I went to dental school with him.
- Jon Voight, the actor? - No.
The periodontist.
Can't this wait until Monday? Come by my office.
- Just a quick peek.
I'm in agony.
- All right.
Sit down.
It's this one here in the back.
You popped Woody Woodpecker! Hey, who invited you anyway? You're a troublemaker.
Looks like Woody Woodpecker is running out of air.
In fact, he's collapsing.
Those kids look pretty disappointed.
Especially that big kid up in the front.
How old is he? - Hello.
- Hello, is this Jerry Seinfeld? - Yes, it is.
- You don't know me but a really strange thing happened.
I was at a garage sale, and this old couple sold me used sneakers they claimed belonged to Jerry Seinfeld, the comedian.
Could I have the address to that garage sale? Okay, thank you very much.
I found Mom and Pop.
They're selling my sneakers.
- Where are they? - Parsippany, New Jersey.
Let's go.
- My car's in the shop.
- How are we getting to Parsippany? Jerry these nosebleeds are starting again.
Maybe we should get you to a hospital.
I ain't going to no Bellevue.
Look at me, I'm falling apart here.
The marching band is a perfect example of taking something bad and making it difficult too.
I mean, why does the band have to march? We're not moving.
Maybe if they hold still, we could all leave.
Is that why they do it? People try and get away.
"No, you don't.
I'm right with you.
Right with you, buddy.
" The human urge to wave at total strangers just moving by is very strong, isn't it? Parades and ocean liners and those little trains that go through amusement parks.
It's always that bittersweet, kind of hello-goodbye combination wave, isn't it? Just: I've never seen these people before in my life and they're leaving.