Home Improvement s06e08 Episode Script

Does everybody know what time it is? - Tool Time! - That's right.
Binford Tools is proud to present Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor! Thank you.
Thank you, everybody.
Welcome to Tool Time.
I am Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor.
Of course, you all know my assistant, Al Borland.
Thank you.
Well, it's autumn and we all know what that means.
The days grow shorter and Al grows wider.
Autumn leaves are falling off the trees and that means more work in your yard.
I don't know about you, but when I was a kid, raking leaves, worst job.
Every Saturday, my mom: "Get out there and rake leaves.
And get your brother out of that bag!" The only fun we had when I was a kid was you'd be able to burn them in big piles.
We can't do that now, it's not good for the environment.
- Not at all.
- But there are fine tools that can help you clean up leaves more effectively.
- Let's look at some of them.
- OK.
Here we've got the Binford 6100 hand-held electric blower.
That's a lot of fun, blowing the leaves in your neighbor's yard.
But if he catches you, you still gotta put them in a bag.
Well, then what we have here is the 6100 Mulch 'n Vac.
This will vacuum your leaves and mulch them at the same time.
As nice as that machine is, - you know what I've always wondered? - Why everybody likes Al? No.
Why you can't use the same technology, but instead of sucking them off the ground, suck them off the trees.
Well, as long as you keep wondering, no one will get hurt.
You'd think by now you'd know me better than that.
You're right.
Heidi, bring out whatever ridiculous thing Tim souped up today.
Bring it out, Heidi.
Here you go, Tim.
Thank you, Heidi.
It's amazing what you can build with a Binford blower, an old VW motor and a surplus weather balloon.
- Have you tested this? - This will be the first time.
Well, it works.
Nobody got hurt.
Let's give Tim a big hand.
Wow.
Look at all the stuff in the refrigerator.
Chicken, potato salad, three different kinds of pie.
Eat that and die.
Why, did you make it? That food is for your aunts.
- What do we get? - You get to clean your rooms, so they have a decent place to stay.
How come we get thrown out of our rooms every time they come? Well, you can bunk with your aunts and watch them pluck facial hair.
Why can't they just shave like Grandma? You're not old enough.
You know Grandma still uses a straight edge? - What are we doing? - Talking about sleeping arrangements.
I get her.
- Sleeping arrangements for the weekend.
- We'll have a lot of fun.
The Taylor men sleeping outside, barbequing every meal.
We'll test Binford's new Outdoor Adventure series camping equipment.
It'll be a great time, guys.
- Aren't we gonna freeze? - The weak ones will.
We got Binford's new thermal-lined sleeping bags.
We're gonna have a lot of fun, guys.
I'm really excited about my sisters coming.
- Me, too.
- Yeah.
That's why you are sleeping outside? I'm sleeping outside so the boys and I stay out of your way while you guys plan this 50th anniversary party for your parents.
- Your sisters are great.
- Yeah, they are.
If you like whacked-out, self-absorbed, neurotic women.
Which I do! Well, they are kind of neurotic, especially when they argue.
Robin doesn't argue.
She's the fun one.
- Robin's not coming.
- She's also the smart one.
- You suppose it's too late to cancel? - I'm kidding.
- It'll be great.
Don't worry.
- It will.
I'll just do what I always do.
I'll be the sensible, positive one - who keeps it from falling apart.
- Know what you need? - A stiff drink.
- That and a battle plan.
A battle plan! - A battle plan.
- No, listen.
You're from a military family.
You gotta take control.
Be forceful.
If they get out of line you have them drop and do 20.
I could be forceful.
After all, I am a colonel's daughter.
That's the attitude.
Be forceful.
Take command.
- OK.
Tim.
- All right.
Yeah? I want you to have this area vacuumed by 1800 hours.
- What do you guys think? - Wow.
This tent is huge.
Even when you're roughing it you gotta leave room for some of your basic comforts.
Dad, you got a TV and an Oriental rug in here.
You got everything but a bathroom.
Au contraire.
Say hello to the throne away from home.
Binford's little camper amigo.
Comes fully equipped with a changeable bag.
I think I'll say hello to real plumbing one last time.
Wait a minute.
Randy, come back here.
Your aunts are here.
- There here! - Hello, here he is! Look at you.
Oh, I can't believe it.
He's a dead man.
- Where is he? I can't see him? - They're nightmares.
They've swallowed him whole.
Come on, say hello.
I'll be right behind you.
Aw, not Mark! How can it be? No! Uh, uh, uh, uh.
Wait.
We're not gonna let you get away.
Where's Tim? - What is that? - It's supposed to repel mosquitoes.
I hope it also repels aunts.
Come here, you.
If you want to keep me away you should have gone with a welding mask.
- Hi, there.
- Hi.
Skinny.
I can't believe I bought this fattening food and everybody's on a diet.
Linda, you look fantastic.
How much weight have you lost since the divorce? Two hundred pounds.
'Course, 170 of that was husband.
No, really, how did you lose all the weight? I went to this psychic nutritionist.
She told me something that changed my life.
- What did she say? - "Linda, you're too damn fat.
" Psychics are just a little kooky for me.
I weigh my food.
Oh, ho.
Well, this is good.
Now that we've settled all the food issues, we can scarf down the salads and get to work on planning this party.
I'm gonna share the chicken Caesar with Jill.
- Who's sharing my Cobb salad? - I forgot to order that.
Typical.
Everybody always forgets about Carrie.
You did the same thing at the cottage last summer.
You were at the cottage last summer? Come on, come on.
Wow.
That's the biggest piece of meat I've ever seen.
Yeah? You haven't seen my piece yet.
Hold on.
- You're gonna eat that whole thing? - Yeah.
We're gonna need a bigger bag for the throne.
All right.
Let's start off by talking about the centerpieces.
Oh! I know what Mom and Dad would simply love.
- Tulips.
- Tulips.
Fabulous idea.
No, not according to my aromatherapist.
She says they give off negative energy.
You have an aromatherapist and a psychic nutritionist? Uh-huh.
Yeah.
They're in the same building as my cat's hypnotist.
Carrie, what about the guest list? Yeah, I got it right here.
There's a total of 125 people.
That includes all of Mom's friends and the one guy who's still talking to Dad.
Now, wait a minute.
There were only supposed to be 120 people.
I mean, it worked out perfectly.
Ten tables of 12.
OK.
So now we'll have five tables of 12 and five tables of 13.
- Perfect.
- Oh, no, no, no, no.
You cannot have 13 people at a table for 12.
You can if you believe you can.
What is that supposed to mean? Well, I believe that we should talk about something we can agree on.
What about the photo album we're making? - Sure.
- Anybody got any pictures? I found a picture of you when you were a kid.
Oh, look, here's one of me and Ted on our wedding day.
Here's another one of you and Ted.
Linda, when did you have dark curly hair? Never.
Here, let me see that.
Well, that's not me.
That's Tracy sitting on my husband's lap.
What were you doing, sitting on my husband's lap? Well, he's not your husband anymore.
And he wasn't your husband when I was dating him.
So, you see.
It all worked out.
Oh, well.
Were you dating him while I was dating him? What's the difference? Yeah, it was a long time ago.
It was only, what, a few times? Wait a second.
You knew about this? Hold on, excuse me.
How come everyone knew that Tracy was dating Ted except me? I didn't know, but nobody ever tells Carrie anything.
Jill, if you knew about this why didn't you tell me? Because Tracy swore me to secrecy, and you know how I am with secrets.
Once it goes in the vault it never comes out.
Hey, guys, I need some meat tenderizer.
Say, how's the party planning going? Well, you know, I don't know.
I just found out that Tracy was dating Ted.
Oh, yeah.
Remember when you guys went to the Portuguese restaurant? He had the shellfish.
He was sick for a week.
Remember that? - Who told you about it? - Big blabbermouth.
How can so much noise come out of one nose? Maybe if we close it.
No, then the noise would just come out of his mouth.
What if we close his nose and his mouth? I think that's called murder.
I could hear him from all the way upstairs.
- Scary, isn't it? - How do you live with it? Watch and learn.
- We'll be back after these messages.
- Tim, Tim! - Honey, honey.
- What? What! - I need to talk to you.
- Oh.
Can you do it outside so we can get some sleep? Yeah.
Why did you have to wake up the boys? Tim, this is a disaster.
We haven't done one thing about Mom and Dad's party.
If I don't get them to stop fighting it's never gonna happen.
OK, OK.
You do what I do to stop my brothers from fighting.
- What's that? - Crack open a six pack, roll up a wet towel, and snap each other on the butt raising a welt you can be proud of.
I don't think that's gonna work on my sisters.
Too bad.
They got some great targets.
- Tim.
- All right, all right.
You gotta lay down the law with these girls, all right? It's our house.
You tell them nobody's allowed to fight in this house.
Except you and me.
All right.
I'm gonna give 'em one last chance.
And if any of them give me any lip, I'm gonna tell Mommy and Daddy.
Now, I want you all to just forget about last night.
This is a brand new day.
We're gonna put aside our differences and think about Mom and Dad.
Now, I want to begin with a group hug.
- Aw, OK.
- Come on.
- Come on.
- OK.
Oh.
Isn't this nice? We're bonding.
Oh, good.
I got something that will bond to your ribs.
I cooked your breakfast.
Belgian waffles, six different kinds of breakfast meats.
Thank you, Tim.
You've been away from animal products, but I think it's time to come home to hot links.
How do you eat those things? I like to wrap mine in bacon.
A little Canadian bacon outside.
Pig-in-a-blanket wearing a parka.
Don't load up.
I got a surprise for you.
- OK, everybody, let's get to work.
- OK.
Now, does anybody know a good place in San Antonio where we can have a party? I know a wonderful place right around the corner from me, Clancy's.
Every chicken breast is exactly 3.
5 ounces.
I don't even need to bring my scale.
You know what? I've got a better idea.
The last time I was at the Riverwalk I found this great new Korean restaurant.
Oh, yeah.
That ought to bring back some nice war memories for Dad.
OK, girls.
Cajun patties.
You'll love them.
I guarantee it.
We have to make a decision.
I say for the music we should go with the Hank Pfefferman Five.
- I love Hank Pfefferman.
- I hate Hank Pfefferman.
You are saying that because you know that I love him.
- No, I'm not.
- Can't we agree about something? Four different kinds of hot sauce.
Say hello to your lower intestines.
Why am I the only one who's never heard of Hank Pfefferman? Thank your lucky stars.
He stinks.
Says who, your cat's piano teacher? How do you teach a cat to play the piano? You can't.
Your idiot sister made that up.
- Now I'm an idiot? - You were always an idiot.
Stop it.
Stop it! You are all insane.
And I'm insane for listening to this.
I'm sick of all this fighting.
I'm sick of playing referee.
When there is no party for Mom and Dad you can tell them why.
Jill? Well, what's wrong with her? I don't know.
She's always so sensible.
You'd think she'd try a little harder with family here.
Excuse me.
Excuse me.
My wife has been up all night worrying because you hens won't stop bickering.
She drives herself nuts and how do you thank her? Argue about a cat playing a piano and Hank Fahrvegnugen! You know what? I'm sick of this too.
From now on, you're no longer welcome at my sausage bar.
- Hi, Jill.
- Hi, Delores, how are you? I've been better.
Some jerk just left me a four cent tip.
- People can be so rude.
- The joke's on him.
His veggie burger was made out of pork.
What can I get for you? How about a cup of tea? Well, hi ho, Jill.
Hi, Wilson, how are you? Well, I came over here to get away from the flank steak fumes which are permeating my backyard.
Here you go, Jill.
Thank you.
Oh, Delores, can I get a cup of your superlative mocha java? Mocha java.
Mr.
Fancy! Oh, Jill, so what brings you over here to the Copper Kettle? I've been driving around all morning.
I blew up and stormed out of my own house 'cause I couldn't stand to be around my sisters another minute.
I think you can go home now.
As I was leaving the house I saw them pulling away in a cab.
Great.
We're supposed to be planning this very important event in my parents' lives and my sisters bail.
I don't know why I'm surprised.
They get to be crazy.
I have to be the sensible one.
Well, it can be quite a burden.
Know what it's like to have everybody come with their problems, and expect you to solve them? You know, Jill, I realize it isn't easy.
A lot of people think it's a picnic for me to stand by the fence and offer up a quotation for every situation.
I mean, what am I, a library? Here we go.
For Mr.
Fancy a cup of our finest.
- Good.
- Well, the crazy people have it easy.
I mean, they don't care what people think.
They lose control, they say whatever pops into their heads.
- Mmm.
- Yeah.
It's us sensible people who suffer.
So, we have to learn to fight back.
How? By doing what you did today.
- What did I do? - You lost control.
You said the first thing that popped into your head and you didn't care what anybody thought.
Congratulations, Jill.
You are a nut.
- I am, aren't I? - Oh, certifiable.
Thank you, Wilson.
Hey, Dad, here's a perfect picture for the cover of the album, Grandma and Grandpa on their wedding day.
That's your mother and me.
Oh, yeah.
The church is on fire.
- Hi.
- Hi, guys.
- Hi, Mom.
- I feel a lot better.
I'm ready to start planning the party.
What are you doing? - Planning the party.
- Your photo album's almost done.
And we booked the band.
I talked to Hank's wife, Faye Pfefferman.
She drives the bus, the Pfeffermobile.
I can't believe it.
You guys are so sweet.
- Hi, we're back! - Hi! - I thought you went home.
- Home? No.
We went to the florist to get some prices and ideas.
- In a cab? - You had the Nomad.
They're not gonna fit in the Healey.
And if you think I'm letting them take my Mustang, I don't think so.
Listen, Jill, after you left Tim was kind enough to point out to us - we were behaving like idiots.
- I pointed that out.
It had a lot more impact coming from a guy snapping a wet towel.
Hey, is everybody ready to plan this party? - Let's do it.
- We'll stay here as long as it takes.
- I love you guys.
- Oh! Well, I guess we know what this means.
The meat fest continues.
Wait.
Wait a minute.
I could marinate a skirt steak.
How about that? How about a pork barbeque? Or pork bar? It'll be "hams across America".
We'll be right back after these messages from Binford Tools.
Honey.
Honey, honey, wake up.
You're not on Tool Time.
Oh.
It's too bad.
It was a great Gadget Corner.
We made a machine that shaved Al's back.
I have something I want to say to you.
What you did today meant a lot to me.
I know how much your sisters mean to you.
Yeah.
I was afraid if I lost my relationship with my sisters there would be a big emotional void in my life.
- Voids.
- But now I realize that there can never be a void, as long as I have you.
I just have one question.
What am I doing laying out here in the grass?