Last of the Summer Wine (1973) s06e08 Episode Script

It'll be good to get away for Christmas.
I'm enjoying it already.
The only thing worse than Christmas is goin' away for it! You'll love it once we're there and that's an ORDER! As a matter of fact, I've found us a real snip.
Depart Platform 2 at 0940 hours.
I hope he's ready! I WARNED him to be ready.
'You be packed and ready' I said and left a list of what to take.
You saw me - I've done all the staff work.
He's only had to get out of bed and get his gear ready.
You know what he's going to find tricky, don't you? I TOLD him what to pack.
It's not the packing, it's the getting out of bed! He wouldn't, would he? No answer.
Give him a CHANCE to answer it.
How long's it take him? It's not Bleinheim Palace.
Y'can't expect him to rush it.
A knock usually means they've come to cut his electric off.
This operation's been carefully planned, y'know.
Try the door, twist the handle.
I'll twist HIS handle if he throws my schedule out! It's locked.
Funny! Doesn't sound like him.
Well if it's not locked, it's stuck.
That sounds more like him.
'Hey up!' Break me door, why don't yer! Your MOTHER'S door used to stick.
Not 'er BEDROOM door 'er bedroom door opened like SILK.
I thought that was your Auntie Gladys.
No! She just helped out sometimes.
Oh! What are y'doing in there? I live 'ere, you great tulip! He's in the bedroom - I knew it, he's just got up! I 'aven't just got up! I'm ready I've been ready for an hour! Nearly an hour.
About 5 minutes! It's this holiday excitement - I couldn't sleep either! I kept thinking, 'Oh goody, we're off in the morning!' What are y'doing still in the bedroom? I'm collecting me ferrets.
Wally's gonna take care of 'em.
Ferrets in the bedroom? We're gonna miss all these local customs.
That's one I CERTAINLY intend to miss.
Love knows no boundaries, Foggy.
I know - But FERRETS in the BEDROOM? I've seen goldfish on sideboards on embroidered doilies at the mathematical centre of highly polished sideboards! I've seen budgies hopping around the contours of married ladies where even HUSBANDS would fear to tread! Don't worry! Daddy won't be long.
He's not dressed yet! 'Course I am! What d'y'think these are? We've often wondered it's been the subject of endless debate.
But we can agree now they're NOT suitable for going away with ME! Is 'e gonna be fussy all the 'oliday? Hey, Norm! Did tha get these for Christmas? Yes.
I thought you'd got a new suit? I've packed me new suit.
Tha needn't think I were wearin' it on a scruffy train! I like to relax when I travel.
How are WE to relax with you in THAT state? Can we put him in the guard's van? It's a freedom 'oliday, tha said! Miles away from it all.
No rules, self-catering - do as you please.
That's what tha said! You can take it free and easy when you get there.
We'll have to cover him up with something.
Like what? It's true! You're goin' then? Just for a few days.
How few? You'll not be back for Christmas? There's no point in goin' if you're back for Christmas.
We shan't be back for Christmas.
I 'ope 'e's not just sayin' that! No! Tha'll 'ave to manage without me this time.
Tha'll miss the excitement under the mistletoe.
Which mistletoe? 'Old me ferrets! THIS mistletoe.
OOOHHH! Put that woman down - We've a train to catch! OOOHHH! It's passion, it is! Should he be doing that while the train's in the station? It's not fair, 'e caught me at a disadvantage.
'Ow can yer struggle when you daren't let go of 'is ferrets? That'll 'ave to last yer till after Christmas! Goin' away for Christmas then? The family occasion of the year.
I dunno 'ow yer can do it, goin' away for Christmas.
It's not as if I 'aven't tried.
Is that all y'can say when y'catch someone kissin' yer wife? It's Christmas, woman! So, what if it is? You don't go round kissin' everybody.
YOU don't kiss me at Christmas.
Listen, I 'ave to be pleasant to all your relatives.
Enough's enough! Merry Christmas, Wally, Mind me ferrets.
I will, you KNOW I will.
I don't mind ferrets for Christmas.
Oh, Wally.
Before you go, will you be using your motor bike coat? No 'e won't! 'E'll be stayin' indoors to ENJOY 'iself with 'is family.
No I won't! I'll be stayin' indoors to enjoy meself with me family! Here Hello, Sidney, we're all ready.
Which one's got the kitchen sink? It's self-catering, we can't go empty handed.
I don't think anyone can accuse us of being empty handed.
Tell you what, 'ave a cuppa before I run yer to station.
Very kind of you, Sidney.
Least I can do.
It's good to help someone get away, I feel like the Scarlet Pimpernel! Where'ser? Him? He's sulking! He's dawdling behind.
Oh, my God, the midget Haystacks! What's 'e laughin' at me for? Nobody's laughing at YOU, it's all in your mind.
Why should anyone laugh at YOU? Don't forget we've to reorder some There, SHE'S at it now! I'm not wearin' this! No, no - Keep it on, it suits you.
NOBODY'S laughing at you.
How's it look, Norm? Well, it looks sort of weatherproof.
Nobody's laughin' at yer.
Why should anyone be laughin' at you? THEY are! THEY'RE laughin'! No, it's an all-weather coat - German Generals used to wear them.
That's why they lost! It's your luggage they'll be laughin' at.
Ho! Ho! Ho! What's wrong wi' me luggage? It looks like fish and chips - TWICE! I've told yer, me new suit's in there! We'll say we're taking him away for Christmas! We take ONE every Christmas! We'd ALL love to spend it with 'im! Would you Ivy? Under this? Git in that kitchen! CLAAATTER! OOOOH! THUUUMP! What are your plans for Christmas, Sid? AIIEE! None o' THAT! The house'll be full of 'er relatives.
What about Boxin' Day? MY relatives! Well, keep yer chins up! AAAAH! Don't go to pieces.
I'll try! It'ser, gone quiet! Is he all right, d'you think? Shouldn't you go and see? You don't interrupt our lass when she's busy! Y'can't keep 'old of 'im in that coat! Y'think you've got 'old of 'im and all you've got is a bit of coat! And suddenly 'e comes at yer from another angle! Which angle? Never you mind which angle! I don't care what they say about Christmas it's not all bad! What were you doing in there? Nothin' much! I can't keep me balance in this coat! It ruins all me best moves! Not ALL! Looks like we're goin' Norm! Charming! You'll be sorry if it turns out I'm an eccentric millionaire.
By 'eck! It's warm in 'ere.
Keep it on! It's like a greenhouse in 'ere! Well, sit down and try to keep your roots covered.
Warm in 'ere missus! Eh? Thank you, driver! We can manage now.
DRIVER? Don't worry - Sometimes he gets ideas above his station - Not THIS station.
HOI! HEY! Terribly sorry! I AM sorry! Somebody must have nudged me arm Yes, that's it - Some fool must have nudged me arm.
This one must be yours.
Look at the state of this! And this! Shut up! Don't tell ME to shut up! I didn't! I 'eard! I 'eard 'im! I was telling HIM to shut up! Charmin'! Comes in 'ere an' shreds yer paper.
And tells yer to shut up! That's MY page 'e's given yer! Well, thank you Driver - We can manage now! People come in here and wrap their papers round your rod! Hey you! Hey! Watch it! We're goin' away for Christmas.
Really! You won't be needing that! Oh, well! If she don't mind, I don't! Come on! Behave yourself, will you? We take him away every year for a few days it gives his nurse a rest! He's lying! I'm an eccentric millionaire! Just a few days by the sea - we take a little cottage.
'We take a little cottage, you know' - OUCH! It's quite remote and very peaceful.
I had a cousin like that! She painted butterflies.
Not on paper, I mean REAL butterflies! We're taking this friend this year as well.
It's just "inches from the sea" - No walking, miles to the water.
Just "inches from the sea".
We want platform 5.
Oh John! Thank God! Where have you been? Oh, this isn't mine.
Really? OH noumerI'm not the sort to go arounderWhat must you think? Erit's his! What I can't stand about travelling is strangers who start conversations with you.
Come back you! I've never seen that man before in my life! 'E come in 'ere flashin' 'is mistletoe an' interferin' with these gents newspapers.
Yeah! That's right! 'E's the one! You've been interfering with my wife! No, no, no! That's right! 'E did it! 'E's the one! Does 'e know yer train's signalled? Don't worry! E'll be comin' fast any second now! I'll say this for Foggy - 'E soon gets to know people! This is somewhere I've never been before! The end of the world! I want a quiet Christmas - I had enough excitement in that waiting-room! Where am I gonna use my mistletoe round 'ere? It's not THAT kind of Christmas! NOW 'e tells me! Which way? This way! How far? Not to worry! We'll pick up a lift.
What from? Well, if you're going to look for difficulties! Listen Noddy, the only vehicle we're likely to see around here is a REINDEER.
Down there.
Merry Christmas! Happy New Year! Look at the view! This is going to be our best Christmas ever! Just the 3 of us, the elements and all this space.
Space? We're runnin' out of space! It's like livin' on top of somebody's wardrobe! I wonder if Argentina's claiming this lot? How're we gonna get out for a drink? You don't think I'm a complete fool? No, but I'll give yer full marks for trying! We'll be alright in the cottage.
There's transport provided for guests - Can I pick 'em, or can I pick 'em? What a situation! It's exhilarating, isn't it? I must say the air's fresh and what a lot there is of it! Just look at that view! Marvellous, man! It's for nothing! Just look! One big wave and we'll land up in 'Olland! We're not gonna sink, are we? Of course it won't sink! It's not! Well say something! Tell us it's not! Of course not - Ours is a COTTAGE It says so in the brochure - "Beechview Holiday Cottage".
Wow! I thought for a moment I know! Me 'eart sank to me wellies! Bet it didn't stay long down there! Look at it! What idiot's gonna pay for a thing like that? Just imagine! Some poor twonks comin' all this way lookin' forward to their 'olidays! I love that sentry box! It's not a sentry box! It's aportable facility! I'll always think of it as a sentry box! Where are you going, that man? I'm GOING to use the sentry box! Well get a move on! We've still got our place to find! YUK! What'a wrong with him? Don't ask me! He just went 'YUK!' He's no business going 'YUK!' YUK! YUK! There must be some mistake! There is! It's thee! Just think! I could've been at 'ome now full of plum duff! Warmin' me 'ands on Nora Batty! Well, alright - so there's not a lot of glossy top show.
That's true! There's NOT a lot of glossy top show! HELP! KNOCK! You must admit it's a compact little place.
Let m'out! It has every facility.
AAARRRGH! Don't panic! I would if I were you! I'd panic! You must admit, it's a compact little place! Oh aye! Fits like a glove! It's very snug in 'ere! We'll be alright! TTTRRRZZZPPP! Yes, we are - IF we adopt the right attitude! Collect some driftwood - Get a cozy fire going! Things'll look quite different! They certainly do, when yer upside down in a loo.
The key should be under the mat It says so in the brochure.
Don't just give in - Dig down a bit! AlrightAlright AlrightALRIGHT! So! There doesn't appear to be a key.
Ow! Stop it! Stop, stop! Cafe closed then? Yeah! Don't care if I never see another turkey.
Which reminds me - How is she? We're doin' last minute shoppin' now.
A've yer time for this? I'll make time! It's supposed to be Christmas! Merry Christmas! Merry Christmas! How come you escaped last minute shoppin'? Well What's yer secret? I 'aven't escaped! I'm waitin' for our lass - I was ordered to meet 'er 'ere! Me too! Yer lead a clean life - work 'ard, an' still y'end up doin' last minute shoppin'! If I 'ad my time over again I'd be a 'ippy - I really would! A female bus conductress? That's a clippy! Oh, is it? By gum, yer 'ad me wonderin' for a minute.
Foggy knew what 'e was doin'! I suppose 'e's bound to be right sometime! Goin' away for Christmas, 'e got it right that time, didn't 'e? You think you know people; that you've got mates then they go missin' just when y'need them! It's a tactless time of year to go off enjoyin' yerself.
Come on! We're not stayin' 'ere all day.
And YOU'VE still got presents to get for your Donald's family.
He can't stand their Donald's family Which means you 'ave to spend TWICE as much to conceal it.
It needs so much thought, buyin' for people yer don't like.
What did y'get 'im? Oh, 'e's no trouble! Scarf and gloves! I used to spend more, but y'get disheartened No matter what y'dress 'im in 'e still looks an undersized idiot! Pinin' for 'is pigeons! What did y'give 'im? A wide birth, if 'e's bought me another fancy nightie! Does 'e? I keep tellin' 'im I'd rather 'ave a cardigan! Come on! Absent friends - Lucky swine.
See if you can find a loose window.
Never mind - I've found one! Well done, Foggy very smooth! It's not as easy as it looks! You have to know where to pull! Oh, of course! But who's climbin' in? Funny you should say that.
Funny you should say that.
Justjustjust a minute! Why me? Because you're dressed for it! Your costume's made for crawling through scruffy places that's the one! Now steady! STEADY! Hey up! This end needs decoratin'! At this end too if you ask me! OOOOH! CRASH! BANG! He moves like a shadow, doesn't 'e? Go through and see if you can open the door.
Hey up! It smells damp in 'ere! It's near the sea! A bit too near! We'll soon get a fire going! Look at that view! No walking What about the boozer? We've got transport here.
I don't book these things without a lot of thought.
These things aren't accidents this is forward planning.
How many holiday cottages offer the use of a vehicle? A lifeboat.
Well, that's even better! My God! What kind of tides are there if we need a lifeboat? RATTLE What's wrong with this? It's not a lifeboat! It's here for our convenience! We'd be safer sailing in THIS convenience.
Look at the woodwork - That's craftsmanship! We'll really be able to sail now - Get after the big stuff! How big? Or nip to the village for provisions.
Nip? You call that a nip? Or laze abouton the water! Come along that man! Get thet door open! Come on! Get it open! Open it, will you? It don't open properly! Where is 'e? I'm under here! Go and collect driftwood, I'll get a fire going.
Go on! Now, give the chimney a good poke out.
Hey! It's a bit wobbly! It's a bit wobbly! It's just a bit springy - You'll get the hang of it! Get on with it! 'Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way Oh what fun it is to ride on a one-horse open sleigh! AAAIIIEEE! Just what we needed - A sunshine roof! Look who's dropped in! Mother was right - There IS a Father Christmas! In this case, so FAR, and no FARTHER! Hello, Santa! Just fill my stocking and move on! You great dozy prong! 'Great dozy prong!' That's not Father Christmas talk! Are you alright? Dunno, Norm.
Would you check my bits and pieces? We'll check your pieces - As for your 'bits', you're on your own! My God! He's crippled for life! I am Norm! I'm crippled for life! Of course your not! Never mind, it's all in a good clause! Life wouldn't be the same if I couldn't chase Nora Batty! All the magic would go out of my life if I couldn't chase 'er! I must check m'legs are mobile.
Just watching this brings me out in a sweat! Yes, it DOES seem warmer.
When Foggy gets a fire going, he REALLY gets one going! Can we go 'ome now? No! I'll tell you what we'll do we'll go home.
No! By boat! Dammit, we've paid for the use of the boat! Come on! Give me a hand.
Let's see if we can pull 'er free.
Come on! All together! Right: 1,2,3 HEAVE! Inoutinout.